My girlfriend's not excited about us but still loves me alot. What do i do?

[Mbe15]

Girlfriend and I recently started LDR 2 months ago, before that we met while studying abroad at the same university. She is still there for 3 weeks. I finished last semester and we've been close and in love since we first met in August last year. She told me she isn't excited about our relationship. This came after she said we're different because of our lives/ experiences. She thinks it could separate us or maybe not. She's confused. she's had a weird life & says I can't connect to her as her close friends are wrecked up people like her and they get each other. I said being with someone different will help her move on from the bad experiences.

She doesn't want to hurt me as I don't "deserve it" she feels "she's not into it" with her being super busy. She added "I'm selfish & I feel like a b**ch. I feel stuck/trapped/pressured to find time for something i don't really want to do. It's horrible to say but I feel horrible trying to be happy with you like this when I'm not. "

 

She get's super stressed with college and work. I've helped her in her spare time which she's grateful for, but because she's busy she doesn't want to think about someone else too as she feels she's drifting away from me and she doesn't know how to stop it. She thinks it'll be better when she isn't stressed with college. She wants a real relationship with me or try to. this can't happen until graduation in 8 months. I asked how'd it be different together. she said we'd see each other at least weekly with her happy but doesn't see the point when we're not together as she ended with she might not be made for LDR as she's always pushing people away when she doesn't want to. She said our problem is solely her fault that's she's ruining our great relationship.

 

She added She loves me a lot & she wants us to have the chance to be together but not in a LDR, which is obvious. She doesn't know because of the difference thing if we're meant to be and she thinks that's why she's not into it .She wants to force herself to do more but can't understand why she can't and can barely remember us being together.

Her problem in her word: "twisted me wants to be in a unhealthy relationship where it's complicated to be with the other. When everything is okay I just end up being bored because I can have what i want...such an awful thing to say once again but it's true. It was the same with my ex. I only started to really love him when he left. it's quite pathetic too. I adored him but I didn't feel passion because our relationship was too simple."

 

Her first relationship was eventful and twisted. She got raped at first and had drama and was doing the chasing, it was messed up. I know this first relationship 6 years ago has screwed her since. I've discovered her relationships have ended since because of this. She's not used to being with someone who loves her so much. When we first started she told me, I was the first person she's been able to let into her life in 3 years.

To wrap it up she wants space for a week to think over everything and get advice from her two close friends. I know one really well. She told me she doesn't want to break up. She's confused. I'm not convinced we need more distance as everything was good with our us until her work piled up and all this truly started. I feel added distance would drive us apart. She also suggested we don't talk as much until we see each other in 2 months, which I won't let happen. I gave her advice and she said I am right and thanked me for not giving up on her and I'm a great guy. I don't want to break up with her, that's the thing. I know she's a great girl and I want a future with her as everything is fine when we're together its the distance. I know if she doesn't change her behaviour I'll get sick of her. Thank you for reading this. I basically want to solve this, but what do I do? I'm not sure how I go from here. I'm confused and really sad, I feel like I've basically lost her and can't do anything. She told me she knows when we're together it'll be fine and it'll be like we were never apart.

[GemmaUK]

I think you need to stop smothering her and attempting to control her.

 

 

If she wants space and wants to talk less and you 'won't let that happen' she will very soon be out of your life completely.

 

 

You posted 'If she doesn't change her behaviour I'll get sick of her'

How did she react when you told her this?

[Mbe15]

I think you need to stop smothering her and attempting to control her.

 

 

If she wants space and wants to talk less and you 'won't let that happen' she will very soon be out of your life completely.

 

 

You posted 'If she doesn't change her behaviour I'll get sick of her'

How did she react when you told her this?

 

I didn't think I was trying to control her, I guess I want to help her, but maybe I should cut contact for a bit. But how do I reapproach this topic after leaving her own. How long do I give her space? It's hard as I feel if I give her space I've lost her but I know I'll probably loose her if I don't.

When I said that she said nothing as in was with something else she said if she'll be more into it after college is done and she went of course, you know I am when im stressed.

[OnlyHonesty]

I didn't think I was trying to control her, I guess I want to help her, but maybe I should cut contact for a bit. But how do I reapproach this topic after leaving her own. How long do I give her space? It's hard as I feel if I give her space I've lost her but I know I'll probably loose her if I don't.

When I said that she said nothing as in was with something else she said if she'll be more into it after college is done and she went of course, you know I am when im stressed.

 

 

She is not relationship material and it will not last. You are trying to be her knight in shining armour but she is used to the opposite, drama, aloofness, a bit of bad boy and more that I doubt you want to hear.

 

Yet again I am surprised at the sheer lack of logic another guy is showing. You are absolutely wasting your time and you do not excite her. She holds lust, excitement and drama higher values than love, respect and stability. Many women confuse lust and the honey moon period with being love.

 

She is telling you part of this to ease her own conscience but you need to act on it. Perhaps your self esteem is clouding your judgement because if that were me, I wouldn't spend another second around her. Mark my words and remember them, if you continue with her, she will dump you and will likely cheat on you if she has not done so already.

 

I suggest you try to find out why you would invest in non relationship material, why you are trying to save a damaged woman (that's the job of therapy) and why you are allowing someone to treat you this way. You are a man, not a doormat!

[d0nnivain]

Two things jump out at me.

 

 

First & most importantly, she does not want an LDR. Now that you are not at the same school, you can't change this.

 

 

Second, she's a broken bird. You are not qualified to "fix" her or even help her. She doesn't want your help.

 

 

For your own sanity, recognize that circumstances have driven you apart & walk away with your head held high. She will forever be the exotic girl you dated during your semester abroad but she's not your happily ever after forever person.

[Mbe15]

She said maybe she isn't cut our for long distance but she was the one who begged me to give it a chance in the first place so that's why it was a little bit of a shock. I know she has a little bit of a stubborn persona.

 

I gave her the chance to break up with me if that's how she felt and she said I don't want to break up with you I'm just letting you know how I feel. So why didn't she break up with me then?

[badpenny]

Because you're safe. You're reliable. You're a comfort if she needs a shoulder. You're a good OPTION.

 

Seriously, fall off her radar, and go AWOL.

This isn't going to work.

Her heart's not completely in it, and she's not all that into you, but likes the security of having a guy to keep around 'just in case'...

 

I'm sorry, but you honestly need to grab the bull by the horns, and end this.

[ExpatInItaly]

She said maybe she isn't cut our for long distance but she was the one who begged me to give it a chance in the first place so that's why it was a little bit of a shock. I know she has a little bit of a stubborn persona.

 

I gave her the chance to break up with me if that's how she felt and she said I don't want to break up with you I'm just letting you know how I feel. So why didn't she break up with me then?

 

Because she likes having you as an option, a Plan B. Don't allow her to put you in that position. Why would you tolerate that?

[Mbe15]

So I talked with my girlfriend to find out what is happening and this is what came out of it:

 

 

She told me she needs a week to think. I told her if it's her way of breaking up to say it. She told me to chill, I don't want to leave you, I just need time to think. She's talked to one friend and is planning to talk to her other friend soon. I told her I'd like to work it out together; sooner than later.(my friends in a LDR told me we should work on it together not alone and I told my girlfriend but she just wants time alone) She told me "At this point I don't want to work on this, I want you to let me breathe. (probably the assignments) I know she's not cheating as I pretty much know her schedule with class times, dinner time, study time, the friends she always hangs out with and when they do as they're my friends too. If she's told me several times she doesn't want to break up than what is she doing? I know I'll be a mess and stressed for a week about this (I told her and she went you think that is going to make it better by pressuring me) What do I do for the week, I already have thought about it, it's been on my mind nonstop. Can I get advice that doesn't involve breaking up but what is going through her mind and what she could be thinking and what I do during this time?

 

 

She also has told me this before if this makes a difference that I can be needy by wanting to talk daily (sometimes when she doesn't want if she's in a bad mood) which I don't see how that's needy when you love someone and want to check in. She told me to "back off a little," I thought I kinda did but I guess not as I wanted to make some brief communication daily. I just remembered a month ago when we had a little fight about communication that if I didn't back off it'd probably cause her to want to break up.

[TMichaels]

So the girlfriend says: "At this point I don't want to work on this, I want you to let me breathe."

 

 

Boyfriend decides: (It's probably her [school] assignments)

 

 

Then boyfriend says: I know she's not cheating as I pretty much know her schedule with class times, dinner time, study time, the friends she always hangs out with and when they do...

 

 

If that's not bad enough, boyfriend goes on to say: "She also has told me this before... that I can be needy by wanting to talk daily (sometimes when she doesn't want if she's in a bad mood) which I don't see how that's needy when you love someone and want to check in. She told me to "back off a little," I thought I kinda did but I guess not as I wanted to make some brief communication daily. I just remembered a month ago when we had a little fight about communication that if I didn't back off it'd probably cause her to want to break up."

 

 

Geez oh Pete, Mbe15... How much LOUDER does this girl have to yell before you get it through your head?

 

As another poster already pointed out, you're smothering the girl -- no wonder she wants "space" -- and if you don't stop it, she's going to tell you to take a hike.

 

You wanted to know what to do with yourself while she's thinking it over? Well, do some deep thinking of your own about why you have such deep-seated trust and insecurity issues 'cause they're not healthy and they're messing up your relationship BIG TIME.

 

Don't give me some BS about "because you love her." I'm sure your parents love you too, but if they were in your face 24/7 or keeping track of your every move and then giving you grief about it, I'm sure you'd be just as annoyed and irritated as your girlfriend.

 

STOP DOING IT!

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Mbe15]

Geez oh Pete, Mbe15... How much LOUDER does this girl have to yell before you get it through your head?

 

As another poster already pointed out, you're smothering the girl -- no wonder she wants "space" -- and if you don't stop it, she's going to tell you to take a hike.

 

You wanted to know what to do with yourself while she's thinking it over? Well, do some deep thinking of your own about why you have such deep-seated trust and insecurity issues 'cause they're not healthy and they're messing up your relationship BIG TIME.

 

Don't give me some BS about "because you love her." I'm sure your parents love you too, but if they were in your face 24/7 or keeping track of your every move and then giving you grief about it, I'm sure you'd be just as annoyed and irritated as your girlfriend.

 

STOP DOING IT!

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

TMichaels thank you. You're comment made a heaps of thoughts click. She's told me many times to back off a little, etc and I've ignored most of them until now when she's fed up. I didn't think I was clingy by wanting to talk, I wouldn't think (much) attention would be bad. Maybe since she's been single for a long time she wants some alone time.

 

I'm now confused as she told me this isn't my fault its her problem she's feeling this way as I'm doing a lot to try. I know I need to clean up my act. she kept telling me she enjoys receiving my messages and especially loves getting morning message as I was going to tone those down a month ago so she didn't get bored but she said don't. All the problems and the increase of work and lack of spare time lately has probably made this worse as I haven't increased or decreased my communication. up until a month ago she "loved" talking to me and always was talking and needing me. I guess now she wants some time to herself as she hasn't had any and my level of communication has finally taken its toll. Good grief I hope this can be saved, is it too late?

 

As I'm going to give her space how bad would it be to ask one of her friends how's she going or what's she is thinking so I can get a heads up of what to expect?

Edited April 7, 2015 by Mbe15

[ExpatInItaly]

TMichaels thank you. You're comment made a heaps of thoughts click. She's told me many times to back off a little, etc and I've ignored most of them until now when she's fed up. I didn't think I was clingy by wanting to talk, I wouldn't think (much) attention would be bad. Maybe since she's been single for a long time she wants some alone time.

 

I'm now confused as she told me this isn't my fault its her problem she's feeling this way as I'm doing a lot to try. I know I need to clean up my act. she kept telling me she enjoys receiving my messages and especially loves getting morning message as I was going to tone those down a month ago so she didn't get bored but she said don't. All the problems and the increase of work and lack of spare time lately has probably made this worse as I haven't increased or decreased my communication. up until a month ago she "loved" talking to me and always was talking and needing me. I guess now she wants some time to herself as she hasn't had any and my level of communication has finally taken its toll. Good grief I hope this can be saved, is it too late?

 

As I'm going to give her space how bad would it be to ask one of her friends how's she going or what's she is thinking so I can get a heads up of what to expect?

 

Do NOT ask her friends what's going on with her. Listen to her, and back the heck off. You're driving her away and checking in with her friends will make it so much worse.

 

As pointed out, you need to take this time to reflect. Ask yourself what is behind the insecurity and neediness. Think about whether or not you two are really compatible. If you're the type who appreciates lots of contact and communication and she isn't, you may be looking at a deeper incompatibility .

[Mbe15]

Do NOT ask her friends what's going on with her. Listen to her, and back the heck off. You're driving her away and checking in with her friends will make it so much worse.

 

As pointed out, you need to take this time to reflect. Ask yourself what is behind the insecurity and neediness. Think about whether or not you two are really compatible. If you're the type who appreciates lots of contact and communication and she isn't, you may be looking at a deeper incompatibility .

 

 

I spoke to a friend and she said the exact the same thing it would be a bad idea. This forum has made it click how I've played a big role into driving her away by giving her too much attention. I guess I felt with the distance I needed to give her more attention.

 

 

The thing is I want to tell her now how I've stuffed up and realised what I've done but I need to respect her request as she won't be able to trust me I guess if I don't respect her requests. Or would it be wise to own up to my part sooner than later before it may be too late even though she keeps saying she's not looking to break up. Also as she said it's wasn't my fault and she still has issues she needs to workout but my "neediness" has probably caused to feel she is growing apart from me as she told me the more you keep wanting to talk all the time the less I want to talk, it's reverse psychology, she put it.