Was my ex boyfriend emotionally abusive towards me?

[jennybrookes]

Well, now my ex boyfriend. I broke up with him yesterday because of the way he treated me. I am wondering if any of his characteristics towards me make him emotionally abusive? For example, he would constantly put me down and tell me I was doing things wrong, tell me he didn't like the way I dress, or my hair, one time he said 'you go from a 3 to an 8, sometimes you look awful and sometimes you look beautiful'.

 

I remember on one occasion I was wearing a hoodie, and he made some comment on how it looked too small for me. I didn't really take any notice, and I took it off before we went to bed that night. The next morning I could not find it ANYWHERE, and about a month later he just happened to find it down the back of his bed, where I had looked previously and it had not been there. I sometimes wonder if he hid it on purpose. He also rang me once and said we would go on a date soon (which was a very rare thing for him to do for me), and he told me to 'dress nice', and 'not wear a hoodie or my boots'.

 

He also had seem to withdraw contact with me sometimes, and whenever I brought it up, he would say things like 'you're being stupid, what the hell is wrong with you', and make me out to be crazy and that nothing was his fault. He had also started to only see me when it suited him, even if he was not busy. For example, he went on holiday the other day and a few days before I asked him if I would see him before he left, and he replied with 'yeah maybe'. Obviously I took that as him not really being interested in seeing me so I didn't want to ask again. Then, I saw him on a night out a few days before he left, and he said 'Why haven't you been to see me?' and started to make me feel guilty like it was my fault, but I didn't think he was too bothered about seeing me which is why I didn't want to ask.

 

I would generally feel shocked eventually when he would be sweet and attentive towards me and would cherish those moments a lot. When we first got together, he was very full on and sweet would say things about our future, and how he's 'so glad I'm finally here', etc. Recently he had also started getting very teary out of no where, and say things like 'please don't ever leave me'.

 

Also on one occasion he said to me 'you don't offer me anything, and none of my ex's have ever made me feel that way'. He also used to say I was 'dull', and 'boring' (in a joking manor, still hurt though), and once in an argument said I had 'no character, no conversation'. It made me feel so terrible about myself, and I would often wonder why he wanted to be with me if he felt like that.

 

He also got jealous and used to tell me 'not to kiss any boys', or 'not get with anyone else', even though there was nothing to suggest that I had or ever would do that, and I told him this on many occasions that I would never do that. He also told me that if I quit my job he would leave me, obviously it was in a 'jokey' way, but it was still unnecessary. He also has a habit of constantly looking at his ex's profiles online and liking a certain girls picture constantly. Obviously seeing him paying attention to a very attractive girl (even just online) made me feel so terrible about myself and not good enough. I confronted him about it once and he said something like, 'chill, it's not like I'm getting with other girls'.

 

Does it seem that I was being abused emotionally, even if in a subtle but not necessarily major way way? Did I do the right thing to break up? I miss him a lot and didn't necessarily break up with him in the best of ways (an angry impulsive text and blocking his number after seeing something that pushed me over the edge). I just feel remorseful, but I am wondering if it was the right thing to do, if he abused me emotionally?

 

Edit: When I first got with him, someone I know of told me about when he was with his ex girlfriend, one night they went out and fell out over something. Apparently this lead to him taking her house keys off her and not letting her go home, even though she was crying and wanted to leave. When I first got told of this, I asked him about it and he furiously denied it and I believed him. When I started to realize the other day what he was actually like, I remembered that story and asked the girl who told me about it again. I don't really know her that well, and she has absolutely no reason to make it up. This again makes him seem to be a controlling person.

Edited April 6, 2015 by jennybrookes

[GemmaUK]

Well, now my ex boyfriend. I broke up with him yesterday because of the way he treated me. I am wondering if any of his characteristics towards me make him emotionally abusive? For example, he would constantly put me down

 

 

Hi,

 

 

I did read your whole post but only actually needed to read this far to give you a reply.

Yes, he was emotionally abusive towards you.

 

 

Don't unblock him and get him off any social media that you have.

 

 

No one should treat you that way in a relationship.

 

 

If you have a kindle and are willing to spare a couple of hours to do some reading get a freebie kindle book called The Jealousy Game by Mandy White.

 

 

Your ex is in there, albeit not to the end of the book but it'll give you an idea of how any future with him could pan out. You have no idea what else he is capable of so it's better to be safe than sorry.

[GemmaUK]

Just to add: Don't feel bad about ending it by text at all.

 

 

I did exactly the same with a my abusive ex after 7 months together and it was my only sure fire way to do it. I had tried face to face and over the phone but he put on all the charm and apologised blah blah and talked me around.

 

 

I simply didn't want to have any correspondence the final time so a text was perfect.

[jennybrookes]

Just to add: Don't feel bad about ending it by text at all.

 

 

I did exactly the same with a my abusive ex after 7 months together and it was my only sure fire way to do it. I had tried face to face and over the phone but he put on all the charm and apologised blah blah and talked me around.

 

 

I simply didn't want to have any correspondence the final time so a text was perfect.

 

True! But I feel even if I did try to end it in a more mature way and gave him a chance to reply, he wouldn't even bother trying to stop me from ending it. He would probably tell me I'm being stupid and let me do it!

[GemmaUK]

True! But I feel even if I did try to end it in a more mature way and gave him a chance to reply, he wouldn't even bother trying to stop me from ending it. He would probably tell me I'm being stupid and let me do it!

 

 

That would be a good thing.

You have done it now and by text - don't think anything further of ending it that way.

 

 

Just keep away from him and make sure your family and friends know the situation also.

[spiderowl]

After reading only the first paragraph, I could see he was trying to demoralise you and make you feel as if you needed his validation to do anything. Having read the rest, the guy is very controlling. He is also dismissive of your feelings. He accuses you rather than accepts any responsibility for his own behaviour. He is not kind to you and sounds like he was cruel to his previous partner.

 

I know it must really hurt that you've finished with someone you were hoping would be a true love, but sadly he is not the right guy for you. If you start of with someone who is denigrating you, it can only get worse after the 'honeymoon' period is over.

 

I would say it doesn't matter how you broke up with someone who treated you badly. In fact it may be the safest way to deal with this guy. Stay close to family and friends and let them know why you broke up with him. That way, they can keep an eye out for your safety.

 

I know you will still grieve the loss of a love, despite everything, but remind yourself how it wouldn't have got any better and hopefully, soon, you will feel you can look outwards to a new future with a wonderful guy. xx

[siochana]

Guess what?

 

I was in an abusive relationship for almost three years and I didnt realise I had been seriously abused until after it ended. Then, through a horrendously painful process I began to understand what had happened to me. Two years later, the pain and the anger and letting it happen to me are still with me.

 

Point is this: lots of people who are being abused don't realize it. In fact, I would say most based on my readings.

 

You seem to have realised. Good. The sooner you get out of this, the sooner you can go through the pain and move on.

 

Good luck sweetheart.

[freelo]

Yes. He was extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative towards you. Never again let such a toxic person be in your life. You deserve way better.

[jen1447]

I'll add my voice to what everyone else has said - yes, he was abusive. Period.

 

If you need a spokesperson to deal with him from this point forward, say so here and we'll exchange info and get it done. I'll destroy him.

 

Well done cutting it off.