My guy friend hurt my feelings

[amkxoxo]

So I met this guy, lets call him James, through a girl friend of mine. We got along good, and a bunch of us all started going out together in a group of friends. I kind of had a crush on him for a while, but then I saw his true colors and realized he wasn't for me. I deserved way better than what his immature ways could offer me. We are both 23, and I am over party guys who just want to drink and get attention.

 

We are still friends, but its more of a thing where we only talk or see each other when we need something or our friends are going out and we go with them. I am so relieved and glad that I no longer feel attraction to him. I am positive that James' good guy best friend, lets call him Tony, likes me a lot. Tony and I text a lot, but I keep it very friendly and casual. I have made it clear in a nonchalant way that I only want to be his friend. I don't like Tony that way.

 

Back to James and I. James and I tease each other a lot. He seems to like to tease me a lot and I go at him with my sarcasm. It brings him joy to see me get irritated. One recent time when we went out to a bar with our group, he brought a new attractive guy friend with him. I started up conversation with this new guy, while James was off talking to others. I was flirting a little with this new guy and it was harmless. Suddenly James comes over and wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his side. It was a very flirty move to me. It seemed very purposeful, like he was trying to stop me from talking to his buddy. I was angry but hid it with a smile in front of the new guy. I also couldn't believe that James would do this in front of Tony, who likes me. I would put my hands on a guy that my best girl friend had a crush on.

 

Recently James texted me "hey so I think your cousin is really cute"

 

I was so taken back by this and then it made me angry. For one, who doesn't speak to someone and then reaches out just to comment on my family member. Two, he doesn't even know my cousin and she has a boyfriend. Three, in a million years she wouldn't be interested in him.

 

James then told me he saw a picture of us together on social media and meant to tell me earlier that he thought she was attractive.

 

When I told James that my cousin had a boyfriend, he teasingly replied that her boyfriend doesn't tell her how pretty she is, and he could. I was so insulted at this point.

 

My cousin and her boyfriend met because they both work with special needs children. I then told James that my cousin's boyfriend doesn't have to tell her she is pretty, she knows it everyday while they are both giving their time to children in need.

 

I knew that would stump him. He then said how "well I guess her boyfriend wins then"

 

I am so insulted. My cousin is a pretty girl and I have struggled my whole life to keep up with the praise she gets from her parents about how gorgeous she is. I have always felt second fiddle to her.

 

My parents think I am pretty but they don't need to brag to people about it or tell me about it all the time. I wasn't raised to need the praise. I am so angry that my guy friend was rude enough to reach out to me just to tell me this. Did he think I was going to immediately be like "Oh yeah let me set you up with her?"

 

I'm very hurt over this

Edited April 6, 2015 by amkxoxo

[badpenny]

I'll be totally honest with you, I truly, really don't know what your problem is, unless you're insanely jealous of your cousin. You say this guy is not for you, yet you feel insulted by his comments.

 

That smacks of jealousy.

 

I think you need to sort some issues out here, myself.....

[Methodical]

I kind of had a crush on him for a while, but then I saw his true colors and realized he wasn't for me. I deserved way better than what his immature ways could offer me. We are both 23, and I am over party guys who just want to drink and get attention.

 

You said James is immature. His mentality isn't going to change anytime soon and he certainly isn't going to treat you any better or with more respect as a friend than he did as a BF or the phase where you had a crush on him.

 

You told Tony you don't like him "that way," which was the right thing to do if you aren't interested. You keep your hands to yourself because that is also the right thing to do, not because you don't want to offend James.

 

You feel second fiddle to your cousin and have always struggled to keep up with the praise she gets from her parents. You say you have been raised to not need praise, but deep down you crave the same praise she gets, otherwise you wouldn't have struggled. Then James added fuel to the fire because you feel his actions were disrespectful. (Btw, the way you handled James and the praise you gave your cousin does show a level of maturity above James' comprehension.)

 

James isn't going to change anytime soon so the only way to avoid the anger, insult and hurt that he is causing is by avoiding and separating yourself from him.

[Diezel]

So what you are saying is you secretly still like James, despite his immaturity. Which is why you felt "insulted" when he was talking about your cousin.

[amkxoxo]

Deep down I think I do somewhat want some praise, but I think my aunt and uncle give it to my cousin because she needs it. I don't need it, I just want it. I grew up always feeling overlooked, though I wasn't. My aunt would always shove my cousin in the lime light and my cousin is a bit self absorbed, where I am less. My cousin has to brag about a funny thing that happened to her the other day or how she is doing great in school. I was always smarter than her and I don't have to brag about my funny stories, I have accomplishments that far outweigh her.

 

My aunt will make comments how my cousin looks like a model, and my aunt just eats it up and my cousin gets a big head over it. One time my aunt was bragging to me how my cousin looks like a model in this outfit she was wearing, then she looks at me and goes "Oh and your so pretty too, you have such a beautiful face."

 

Way to make me feel special. Second fiddle like I said. My aunt doesn't do it to be mean. She doesn't even realize. I know my aunt loves me. She has done sweet things for me throughout my life and I consider myself very close to her.

 

My cousin is a nice person. She is smart and she loves her job. I just have always felt that she was made to be more important than me. My aunt and uncle want everyone to love her. I graduated college and did decently well. I picked up a full time job where I make enough money to live in a nice apartment by myself. I don't brag about that. Its fact.

 

My cousin went to college before me and graduated. She then worked two different jobs for a few years, then decided she was going to go back to school to get the same degree she already has in something else, which to me is a waste of time. My cousin left her serious boyfriend who she lived with for a guy she met in her new college and she moved back in with my aunt and uncle.

 

They know I am doing better than her. I think they are shocked I make a decent pay and can live on my own. I meet well educated men who take me out and treat me well. My uncle has always wanted that for my cousin. They talk her up to have that, but when it all goes downhill, then the truth comes out. They made her last relationship look so good, then when my cousin left him, they all started saying how they has issues and he wasn't all great like we thought. They want better for her. They talk her up to be better than she is. I wasn't raised to be this way. I'm proud of what I have, and yes sometimes I like attention and want attention, who doesn't?

 

I am not a perfect person. I have made mistakes. I have hurt people. I have been hurt by people. But in my mind it isn't hard to be a good person. Why James is making these choices. It also shocks me that Tony is okay with what James did. James came over and put his arm around my shoulder, my waist, and my neck many times that night. I kept telling him to stop, and I was serious. James just thought I was kidding because we tease each other a lot.

 

If my ex saw that I kept telling James to stop putting his arms on me, he would have eventually punched him in the face. Tony sits back and lets it happen and is still best friend with him, even though he likes me. Its a very strange scenario. Makes me see James as even more unattractive as I did before. It also establishes that I don't like Tony, as he sat by and let it happen. What James said more hurt me because it struck a nerve as something I have dealt with all growing up. How I look and how I feel compared to my cousin. I have been trying to gain in more self confidence about myself. Its been a goal of mine. I struggled with my weight throughout my older life too and I am now smaller and happier since I have been trying to live a healthy lifestyle. But if James said something about my weight it would have killed me too.

 

I am staying single because its easier than dealing with stupid situations and people. I'm a lot happier by myself.

Edited April 7, 2015 by amkxoxo

[stillafool]

If your cousin is as beautiful as everyone says she is I don't see how she would want more praise. I believe her Mom goes on and on about how pretty she is because she is proud to have a gorgeous daughter. Go figure, but some parents take great pride in that.

 

If you no longer care about James why do you care that he's interested in your cousin? James may think you two are just friends and would set him up with your cousin. In reading further I see there is alot of insecurity surrounding your cousin. Maybe it would be best for you both that you not hang out with her given your current feelings about her.

Edited April 7, 2015 by stillafool

[anika99]

I think it's kind of odd that you are somewhat jealous of the love and praise your aunt and uncle give your cousin. Like you think they should have the same adoration for you that they have for their daughter, but you are not their daughter. I'm sure they love you too but they will never feel exactly the same about you as they do their daughter. Are you wanting more attention from them or do you wish your own parents would praise you and brag about you the way your aunt and uncle do for their daughter?

 

 

I'm not sure why you are angry at James. Sounds like he was just being who he is and you have already said he is immature and not someone you want to be with. I don't think he meant to hurt your feelings with his comments about your cousin. He thinks you two are just friends and that he can talk about such things with you. It sounds like this either coming from some long term issues you've had with your cousin or do you still secretly have a crush on James.

[kendahke]

I am so insulted. My cousin is a pretty girl and I have struggled my whole life to keep up with the praise she gets from her parents about how gorgeous she is. I have always felt second fiddle to her.

 

I think that this is more the reason why you're choosing to twist this into something hurtful. James is yet one more person fawning over your cousin and you feel your worth gets discounted as a result.

 

I dont' see anything that James did to warrant you blowing this out of proportion the way you have, other than your jealousy concerning your cousin and the attention she gets.

[kendahke]

Deep down I think I do somewhat want some praise, but I think my aunt and uncle give it to my cousin because she needs it.

My aunt would always shove my cousin in the lime light and my cousin is a bit self absorbed, where I am less.

 

My aunt will make comments how my cousin looks like a model, and my aunt just eats it up and my cousin gets a big head over it. One time my aunt was bragging to me how my cousin looks like a model in this outfit she was wearing, then she looks at me and goes "Oh and your so pretty too, you have such a beautiful face."

 

Way to make me feel special. Second fiddle like I said. My aunt doesn't do it to be mean. She doesn't even realize. I know my aunt loves me. She has done sweet things for me throughout my life and I consider myself very close to her.

 

Um.. your aunt is your cousin's mother. Of course she's going to hold her in a higher esteem than you--that's her child. She is proud of her daughter's looks and apparently puts great store in them for whatever reason--and she is free to do that.

 

What you do or don't need, really, isn't the point here. Your nose is out of joint because your aunt acts like a doting, loving mother to her child and not you, but you aren't her child. You have your own parents who can do that, but they've chosen not to take that path with you. They dote on you in other ways, and that's good, too, since you're accomplished in your own right in other areas of your life.

[kendahke]

My cousin is a nice person. She is smart and she loves her job. I just have always felt that she was made to be more important than me. My aunt and uncle want everyone to love her. I graduated college and did decently well. I picked up a full time job where I make enough money to live in a nice apartment by myself. I don't brag about that. Its fact.

 

Who besides you is discounting your accomplishments in comparison to your cousin?

 

My cousin went to college before me and graduated. She then worked two different jobs for a few years, then decided she was going to go back to school to get the same degree she already has in something else, which to me is a waste of time. My cousin left her serious boyfriend who she lived with for a guy she met in her new college and she moved back in with my aunt and uncle.

 

Again, I'm failing to see why all of this running your cousin down in the street matters. So what if she moved back home to pursue additional education? How you think about it really doesn't matter since none of it impacts or concerns you. As long as her parents are fine with supporting her endeavors, you really don't have anything to say about it. You don't say that they're looking to you with their hands out for money to help them support her, so other than jealousy, I see nothing here to warrant your reaction.

 

They know I am doing better than her. I think they are shocked I make a decent pay and can live on my own. I meet well educated men who take me out and treat me well. My uncle has always wanted that for my cousin. They talk her up to have that, but when it all goes downhill, then the truth comes out. They made her last relationship look so good, then when my cousin left him, they all started saying how they has issues and he wasn't all great like we thought. They want better for her. They talk her up to be better than she is. I wasn't raised to be this way. I'm proud of what I have, and yes sometimes I like attention and want attention, who doesn't?

 

But none of that has anything to do with you, your worth or your accomplishments. Nothing at all.

 

I am not a perfect person. I have made mistakes. I have hurt people. I have been hurt by people.

 

That's non sequitur. We're all human and prone to mistakes and imperfection.

 

But in my mind it isn't hard to be a good person.

 

Who is not being a "good person"? Note: A good person doesn't seethe with jealousy over how a cousin is being treated by her own parents, as if they owed the seether more than they owe their own child.

 

Why James is making these choices. It also shocks me that Tony is okay with what James did.

 

Perhaps because like me and others here, we dont' see what the issue is outside of your jealousy.

 

If my ex saw that I kept telling James to stop putting his arms on me, he would have eventually punched him in the face. Tony sits back and lets it happen and is still best friend with him, even though he likes me.

 

Tony is not your man or your ex, he has no emotional investment in you. You're a girl who's friends with his boy who has rebuffed his attention. He has probably seen you and James kid around in the past and saw nothing untoward happening. It was only untoward because you were trying to talk to his friend he brought to the gathering and James was c-blocking you.

 

Its a very strange scenario. Makes me see James as even more unattractive as I did before. It also establishes that I don't like Tony, as he sat by and let it happen.

 

Tony owed you nothing. He's not your man.

 

What James said more hurt me because it struck a nerve as something I have dealt with all growing up. How I look and how I feel compared to my cousin. I have been trying to gain in more self confidence about myself. Its been a goal of mine. I struggled with my weight throughout my older life too and I am now smaller and happier since I have been trying to live a healthy lifestyle. But if James said something about my weight it would have killed me too.

 

So now we get to it. It might be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist about this because it is causing you to engage in some really unhealthy thinking about what you feel is owed you in terms of attention and consideration. Your worth, to you, hangs on what you look like instead of the total of who you are.

[amkxoxo]

I feel like you all are misunderstanding how my aunt "dotes" on my cousin. If my cousin takes a nice picture, my aunt has to show it to everyone who walks i the door saying hoe she looks like a model and making other agree with her. My aunt will sometimes jump in pictures with my cousin and her friends while throwing the camera at me who gets no pictures with her only cousin, because I don't matter. My aunt is the one when we were younger and my grandparents would bring us gifts, my aunt would make sure she got there with her kids first so they could scope out what they wanted and then she would insist on helping my grandmother hand out the gifts to then give her kids the better gifts and my brother and I got whatever was leftover. My parents are not like this. My parents are fair people and they raised my brother and I to be fair people. Or even two years ago. My grandfather was turning 85 and my aunt was throwing a small family party. My grandfather insisted that we share the birthday since mine is two days after his. My mother brought me a cake and my aunt made my grandfather a cake. When we got there no one really even spoke my my birthday and when it was time to do cake, my aunt insisted we only do cake for my grandfather since it was his party and not for me, even though my grandfather wanted to share it with me. My mother was so hurt over this. My aunt didn't tell some distant family member it was my birthday too and many of them came up to me and told me they had no idea and they were so sorry they didn't bring me anything. I guarantee if it was one of her kids and not me, she would have had made sure everyone knew whose birthday it was.

 

I think some of it is jealousy to make her kids over my brother and I. I was always smart and my brother is so much like my grandfather. Its threatening to her. My grandmother died back over ten years ago. My grandfather always said that out of everyone I look just like her. My girl cousin does not. I think this drives my aunt crazy. She has pictures of my cousin in her house now, and she puts little wallet pictures of my grandmother next to them to almost try and be like "look at how similar they look", though they look nothing alike. If one of my cousins looked like my grandmother or grandfather, I wouldn't see it in a negative way. My brother and I are very close with my grandfather. We talk with him a lot and I think we are closer than my aunts kids. My aunt knows this and always has to push her kids more. If I go to breakfast with my grandfather, a week later my cousin suddenly calls him to go to breakfast. If my brother goes to lunch with him, suddenly a week later my guy cousins are taking him out to lunch and my aunt boasts about it like her kids had to best time with him. I don't go out with my grandfather to make someone mad or jealous, I do it because I love him and its the right thing to do. I just don't know why it has to be a competition. Why can't we all support each other and be proud of each other. I am not saying my cousin has never been proud of me. I have done singing my whole life. She has been to almost every recital, but my aunt has to sit afterwards and tell us all my cousins accomplishments for the last three months to make up for my one accomplishment.

[Diezel]

So this really isn't about what James said.

 

I see.

[badpenny]

amkxoxo, I think you need to take a step back and really look at this whole shebang objectively.

Because as far as I can tell, (according to your thread history) this is the second thread in which your cousin has been a prominent feature, and I get the feeling that everything which entails your cousin, leaves you with a crushing inferiority complex.

Every time you mention her it is with anger, envy and resentment that her parents, or specifically I think, her mother, praises her to high heaven.

On the one hand you are scathing about some qualities you believe you perceive, that she somehow manages to hide from others, or fool others into believing she doesn't have; on the other hand, you wish you had a better relationship with her...

I think that's because you want some of what she has, and you believe that by being super close to her, it may rub off on you....

It's almost like you wish you WERE her.

 

This is extremely sad; seeking approval from others actually makes us feel much worse.

Wanting to be loved, liked, wanted, admired and approved of, actually works in the totally opposite way, to the way we wish it would.

 

Really, I think you need to be completely open with your therapist, and OWN your issue.

 

This is not your cousin's problem.

Neither is it James's or Tony's.

 

THis is fairly and squarely, very definitely, your own huge problem.

And you need to sort it, before it absolutely engulfs you and destroys who you are, with the desire to be who you are not.

[anika99]

So this isn't about James or about your cousin, it's about your aunt?

[amkxoxo]

I am used to my aunts actions and my cousins. Sometimes they bother me, but I love them because they are my family and it is the way that it is. I have gotten over it as time has passed. I was trying to explain to people who I had some insecurities with my cousin.

 

It is about what James said, because what he said was inappropriate and shallow. He doesn't know my cousin. He doesn't even know me really well. How would he like it if I went up to him as a friend and said how hot I think his work buddies are really attractive and that I want to get with them? I don't think he would think I was a nice girl with good moral values. Its one thing to go out to a bar and hit on girls. I don't know these girls and you are free to do what you want. Its another thing to text me at random and all you say is "Oh hey I think your cousin is really cute." That is rude and hurtful. I do not like him anymore, but the fact of the matter is that I did use to like him, him telling me he finds my family member attractive and not me is hurtful. Last time we went out he had his arms on me multiple times. But he wants to do the same thing with my cousin, my family. And then to have the audacity to tell me that he could treat her better than he current boyfriend. Who says that? She is taken. She isn't leaving her boyfriend for you, someone she doesn't even know. The only reason I put up that nice picture with my cousin was because at the time my cousin was fighting for her life in the hospital and they weren't sure if she was going to be okay. But all he cares about is that I have a hot cousin.

[Diezel]

Just sounds like you are mad because James isn't giving you the attention anymore and has shifted onto your cousin instead. The same cousin that your aunt pushes on everyone.

[anika99]

I don't think you are over the behavior of your aunt and your insecure feelings about your cousin. If you were over those things then what James said would not have triggered you.

 

 

I would have no problem with a male friend telling me he thought some other girl I knew was hot, unless I had some romantic interest in him and the thought of him with another girl made me jealous. Or if I was so insecure that I needed every man I know to be attracted to me even though I'm not interested in them and don't want them. Your feelings about this are about you, not James.

[kendahke]

You seem to have a really weird understanding of where your interests ends and your aunt's begin with her children.

 

I guarantee if it was one of her kids and not me, she would have had made sure everyone knew whose birthday it was.

 

well, yeah... because she birthed her own children and she would do that because her loyalty to her children come before those of her sister's children. Duh.

 

Your problem is that your mother doesn't stand up to her sister. She could just have easily told family about your birthday, but she didn't. Your aunt can do no more than what others allow her to get away with. Period.

 

All of this is a competition because you are joining in to the competition. I mean, so what if your cousins go out with your grandfather a week after you or your brother do? Their his grand children, too. I"m sure he enjoys their company just as much as he enjoys yours and your brother. You seem to be the one begrudging an old man the company of his progeny.

 

James texting you what he said is not rude and hurtful--you are making an issue out of it because you're feeling that you're not good enough as who you are and feel eclipsed by your cousin because of your dealings with your aunt and her children. Saying someone's cousin is cute or hot isn't him saying "dang, I want to smash your cousin--think you can hook us up?" I'd agree with you had he said that--but he didn't.

[applej4]

I'll be totally honest with you, I truly, really don't know what your problem is, unless you're insanely jealous of your cousin. You say this guy is not for you, yet you feel insulted by his comments.

 

That smacks of jealousy.

 

I think you need to sort some issues out here, myself.....

 

I agree. OP I also think you have feelings for this guy and you're disappointed something hasn't happened. I mean to spend so much time thinking about and writing novel-length posts about some minor random comment he made.....I don't see why you're insulted.

[SpiralOut]

Ah. So your aunt is one of those people. I cannot help but wonder if she is competing with her sister, and her behaviour isn't really about you - no matter how much it might feel like it is.

 

 

I don't think James said or did anything wrong. If he knew your family history and he said that then yeah it would be insensitive. But he didn't know anything.

[todreaminblue]

I really think this is a drama you dotn need to think about or grow and nurture into a full fledged anxiety.....

 

i dont feel you are really truthful with what you want or need...and its causing problems for you

 

 

i know you say you dont need attention...but everyone actually does...not many people like the life of a hermit.....humans live in families for a reason...humans create families fro a reason and part of it is to feel a belonging......to feel loved and needed...ultimately desired by another......its human nature.....to want to feel a connection....attention is part of that connection....i find it curious you are talking about your aunt and a cousin......a lot...and not your immediate family..theres competitiveness there quite distinct competition it seems........and your feelings for james are quite obvious ......and he knows it...thats why he teases you..which could be the whole entire scenario with the cousin..he is teasing you and you are reacting and bouncing off him.......deb

[applej4]

It is about what James said, because what he said was inappropriate and shallow. He doesn't know my cousin. He doesn't even know me really well. How would he like it if I went up to him as a friend and said how hot I think his work buddies are really attractive and that I want to get with them?

OP - you really aren't making sense. If James is just a friend, why do you care who he thinks is attractive? There most likely a lot of women he finds attractive - SO WHAT? And frankly, your issues with your cousin and your aunt are YOUR problem, not his. Watch out - James might start to think your actions are strange and distance himself. Meanwhile, suggest you see a professional therapist to sort things out because clearly you're not going to listen to what anyone here tells you.

[whichwayisup]

Take a day or two and let advice that's been given sink in. Do some thinking and see if it applies, maybe things will make more sense then. We all can be objective, we're not in your situation so it's easier to us to see what you may not be seeing yet.

 

I don't think your friend meant to come off as a jerk at all. He was just being himself, a guy who thought your cousin (it could have been a friend and I think your reaction would have been different?) was cute and told you so. When you get together with your friends, don't you notice other guys and think/say, 'wow, he's hot, handsome, cute'? Your guy friend feels comfortable around you, you two are buddies not a romantic couple so please don't be mad at him, he didn't say that to hurt your feelings. you have your own issues and insecurities here that have nothing to do with him.