Decisiontomake Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I want him to contact me. I don't want him to contact me. I'm strong and totally realizing he was not the man for me. I'm weak and want him to call and say he'll be the man for me. I want to message him. I won't message him. Trying to get out my stream of pendulum swinging thoughts. I know there's others here that will get it. I need to get a grip - figure out my separation from my H and move forward with where that's taking us. And I need to let my AP go. Both emotional hard and draining decisions. Thanks for listening. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Oh boy! You are me! I go back and forth with emotions like that too. I'm 7 weeks no contact and I'm doing it for me. It hurts too much to talk to him. Husband and I deciding on separating but money is a big factor as we are not rich! Money does help a lot! It's hard but you can do it...stay busy... I'm taking my 14 year old out for dinner and movie tonight to keep my mind busy..... Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Give yourself all the time you need to heal. It's a long hard arse road back from hell. Letting go is hard. I'm still in the process, but I pray I'm getting closer to the end so I can finally move on and be free and happy, fully happy. Affairs take such a dark turn in our lives. They turn us against ourselves. I have literally loathed myself for 15 months. I'm a wonderful person. I'm fun. I'm smart. I'm kind. I'm a good mother and partner. I lost sight of my good qualities after my affair. Remember who you really are as you work towards healing and mending your heart and life. Stay the course. Stay NC. Keep your chin up high. You can do it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 For what it's worth, you're not alone. I feel totally the same way. Tried it all. NC, LC. I just can't do it perfectly. Pendulum, yes. But I have stopped seeing him. I celebrate small success each day. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Decision, I was thinking about you last night and saw your post this morning. You are dangerously close to getting sucked back in. Please don't! This is the ONLY way out, as painful and awful as it is. Give yourself plenty of time to recoup before you action separating from your H. Your perspective on this may change. In terms of healing, ask yourself what you've learned from this - good and bad. What advice would you give a good friend going through the same thing? xAP was not good for you Decision, never was, never would be. You'll see that one day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I want him to contact me. I don't want him to contact me. I'm strong and totally realizing he was not the man for me. I'm weak and want him to call and say he'll be the man for me. I want to message him. I won't message him. Trying to get out my stream of pendulum swinging thoughts. I know there's others here that will get it. I need to get a grip - figure out my separation from my H and move forward with where that's taking us. And I need to let my AP go. Both emotional hard and draining decisions. Thanks for listening. It gets easier, sometimes. What helped me was avoiding parts of town and certain events to make sure even distance from afar was not possible. Some people say that's a bit extreme, but considering the feelings of an AP it has been worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 I just love this site and thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to y post. I had a good IC session yesterday. She wants me to "think" differently - ie stop and change my thoughts on him/it. I do have a great life on the whole - good kids, great support network (real and virtual lol) and so I'm going to carry on journaling, work on the thought patterns and take it a step at a time. For right now im good. I'll take that! Thank you again x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I just love this site and thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to y post. I had a good IC session yesterday. She wants me to "think" differently - ie stop and change my thoughts on him/it. I do have a great life on the whole - good kids, great support network (real and virtual lol) and so I'm going to carry on journaling, work on the thought patterns and take it a step at a time. For right now im good. I'll take that! Thank you again x I've always liked your user name. Now its time to do it. Make a decision. I know you say MM is out of your life, but really he isn't. WHY? Because you haven't made a decision. Husband, AP, husband, AP maybe alone. Making a decision will set you on a clear path. Not making a decision has lead you to this mess your in. Had you made a decision about your marriage and husband your path would have one direction now, forward. With the failure of you affair the pull back towards you marriage and husband will get stronger, as you once said "I just want my husband to hold me, but I won't do that to him" or something along those lines. Be strong, make a decision and live with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 MAybe just do one thing at a time. These topics are very emotionally charged. Its asking alot of yourself to do both at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 I've always liked your user name. Now its time to do it. Make a decision. I know you say MM is out of your life, but really he isn't. WHY? Because you haven't made a decision. Husband, AP, husband, AP maybe alone. Making a decision will set you on a clear path. Not making a decision has lead you to this mess your in. Had you made a decision about your marriage and husband your path would have one direction now, forward. With the failure of you affair the pull back towards you marriage and husband will get stronger, as you once said "I just want my husband to hold me, but I won't do that to him" or something along those lines. Be strong, make a decision and live with it. Totally hear you on this. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Totally hear you on this. Thank you Making a decision doesn't mean it is the right one. If you followed my story here, you would know I came here in a situation where I was deciding if I would try again with my ex wife (fWW). We had been doing this FWB kinda thing but our lives were in limbo. Sneaking around, hiding our relationship from our kids, family and friends was exciting I must admit, but it wasn't fair to either of us, namely her because her intentions were sooo very clear. I made the decision to give it 100%. Along the way, I second guessed, maybe even regreted it. When things got hard I wanted to run. I've stayed the course. Its not perfect but its getting better everyday. I don't expect perfect, I no longer see her as perfect, as I did before her affair, I no longer see her as a cheater. I see her as a beautiful but flawed woman doing her best. When you have that, its it all you can ask for? Point is, you love your husband, I have never doubted that when you write about him. You got side tracked but could never break free of him. Doesn't that at least deserve 100% to see where it goes? Maybe it won't be the right decision, but you would know for sure that it wasn't something outside of the two of you that it failed. Edited February 21, 2015 by DKT3 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Making a decision doesn't mean it is the right one. If you followed my story here, you would know I came here in a situation where I was deciding if I would try again with my ex wife (fWW). We had been doing this FWB kinda thing but our lives were in limbo. Sneaking around, hiding our relationship from our kids, family and friends was exciting I must admit, but it wasn't fair to either of us, namely her because her intentions were sooo very clear. I made the decision to give it 100%. Along the way, I second guessed, maybe even regreted it. When things got hard I wanted to run. I've stayed the course. Its not perfect but its getting better everyday. I don't expect perfect, I no longer see her as perfect, as I did before her affair, I no longer see her as a cheater. I see her as a beautiful but flawed woman doing her best. When you have that, its it all you can ask for? Point is, you love your husband, I have never doubted that when you write about him. You got side tracked but could never break free of him. Doesn't that at least deserve 100% to see where it goes? Maybe it won't be the right decision, but you would know for sure that it wasn't something outside of the two of you that it failed. I do love my husband yes. But that's not always enough. And I love him enough to not even suggest a return to our M until I've worked out what I want and can commit that I would never stray again. As much as I have to discipline myself not to reach out to him, I do that so I'm not just using him as a familiar comfort blanket. I'll get there in terms of the work I need to do but I'll protect him at all costs while that's happening. Contradictory I know given that I've had an A. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 A little over a week here too. It would have been a month had I stopped contacting. Its a tough inner battle. Maybe stay seperated from AP and husband until you can get your self sorted. Hopefully your in IC so you don't have to figure it all out on your own. Wishing you peace. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) I do love my husband yes. But that's not always enough. And I love him enough to not even suggest a return to our M until I've worked out what I want and can commit that I would never stray again. As much as I have to discipline myself not to reach out to him, I do that so I'm not just using him as a familiar comfort blanket. I'll get there in terms of the work I need to do but I'll protect him at all costs while that's happening. Contradictory I know given that I've had an A. Then release him. We both know that he is still thinking this is driven by his affair (if memory serves me), he still thinks this is the wedge. Tell him the truth and release him. Allow him to move on truly. No half truth or hiding. Tell him your in love with another man. Its beyond unfair to keep him on the hook while you work thru this. Maybe he will wait anyways, but shouldn't that be his decision? Good luck Edited February 22, 2015 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Be strong and patient Dtm. It has been one week, congrats on that, you can make it into a month (and of course more) of NC this time. We don't have total control over our hearts, of our feelings and emotions. All those mental aspects they can be very volatile. Don't beat yourself too much if it's not totally as you want it to be. Certainly don't give up because of it, it really, really is not worth it. What you can control however is something more tangible, more physical, and that is your action. Make your body your own barrier from breaching the NC. Delay, procrastinate, do other thing, run away, knock your head, start a new thread (again), do whatever necessary whenever you are tempted to break NC. Over times, coupled with much efforts (reading, reflecting, counselling), you will want less and less. From desiring the whole of him, to only the good part of him, to only the good part irregardless of him, to just a vague memory that won't adversely affect you anymore. So always be patient, you'll get there eventually. Btw don't get back with your H, keep on separated, keep on protecting him, or in better words, doing no harm on him. No contradictory there if the affair is not concurrently going on. Also, imo the only good situation to get back, this is where we'll perhaps differ, is when both sides know everything, admit everything, and ready for everything each other want. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Am posting here so that I don't do it. But boy do I want to. Missing him like crazy today - totally an emotional reaction and I can pinpoint the triggers, but still it hurts like a mofo! I know we're done. I know I want/deserve more. I know it wouldn't have worked. I know. I know. I know. Most days I'm strong - remembering what a great life I have and how great that will be when I have healed myself, and am ready to have a relationship with someone to whom I am there everything, and they mine. But, like I said, I am hurting today. Virtual slaps my way please? Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Do not do it or you'll end up where I am, NOWHERE and hurting more then ever! I'm so proud of you for your 4 wks! Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You've totally got this. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Instead of a verbal slap, let me offer you these three scenarios: 1) You reach out and he's not available. You leave a message, or you text him and he doesn't respond or you send an email with no response. You're stuck waiting. Every time your phone goes off, your heart leaps. Then it falls again when it isn't him. 2) You reach out and he does answer. Either he returns the call and is friendly but a little distant, texts back for a little while then stops or responds to your email. Now what? Do you start hoping for more? Hoping he'll express a desire to see you and spend time with you? And when he doesn't, how does that make you feel. 3) You reach out and he responds and he's excited to hear from you. He wants to see you. You spend time together again. And then, it's time for him to go home. And you know where he's headed. As the high starts wearing off, the low starts to settle in. When will you see him again? Will things change this time? Can you call him if you really need him? My point is in none of these scenarios do you win. In fact in all, you end up disappointed - one way or another. You can reach out. But will it really change anything? If the situation doesn't change and he still has two women in his life, it's not enough for you. So, reaching out is a temporary "high" which actually compounds your problem. It sets you back. Stops you from healing and most of all, destroys your fragile self-esteem that you've just built up from four weeks of contact. Don't do it. Pick you. Put yourself first and stay healthy. Hugs. I know its hard. Sorry! GG 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Nooo - don't do it! You'll feel crappier than you do right now. Georgia is right on the money. You've come so far. Go out and get a manicure or massage (which will also tie up your hands so you can't text or email!). Tomorrow will be better. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Don't do it, you'll just be back on the hamster wheel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You feel bad now, but you'll feel worse once you do it. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Thank you all so much for the intervention! Was the strongest urge I have had today by far. Georgia - thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed response. I had been making a list of the likely outcomes before reading the thread, so we were on the same page. I know there is nothing more left to say. I know I said it all. I know nothing is going to change. And, yes I would have hated myself for doing it. So thank you, thank you, thank you to all! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Glad you didn't give into the urges! Be proud of yourself and tomorrow go celebrate, really go shopping or have a massage. You deserve to treat yourself well! Adding onto GG's list #4 - He could be a mean ass.hole and say hurtful things to you, therefore making you feel pain and anguish. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Yeah...don't do it Take it from one who did...got 1.) and then blocked Has made me feel lower than when NC was first initiated. Link to post Share on other sites
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