Blu72 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Instead of a verbal slap, let me offer you these three scenarios: 1) You reach out and he's not available. You leave a message, or you text him and he doesn't respond or you send an email with no response. You're stuck waiting. Every time your phone goes off, your heart leaps. Then it falls again when it isn't him. 2) You reach out and he does answer. Either he returns the call and is friendly but a little distant, texts back for a little while then stops or responds to your email. Now what? Do you start hoping for more? Hoping he'll express a desire to see you and spend time with you? And when he doesn't, how does that make you feel. 3) You reach out and he responds and he's excited to hear from you. He wants to see you. You spend time together again. And then, it's time for him to go home. And you know where he's headed. As the high starts wearing off, the low starts to settle in. When will you see him again? Will things change this time? Can you call him if you really need him? My point is in none of these scenarios do you win. In fact in all, you end up disappointed - one way or another. You can reach out. But will it really change anything? If the situation doesn't change and he still has two women in his life, it's not enough for you. So, reaching out is a temporary "high" which actually compounds your problem. It sets you back. Stops you from healing and most of all, destroys your fragile self-esteem that you've just built up from four weeks of contact. Don't do it. Pick you. Put yourself first and stay healthy. Hugs. I know its hard. Sorry! GG Excellent post GG. Best intervention for not reaching out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Am feeling so much better today! A "strong" day for sure, so I wanted to share. You were all my cheerleaders/interveners yesterday and I am incredibly grateful! I'm sure I'll have moments again, but for now, here's to staying strong! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Not feeling as strong today - dammit! So want to communicate with him. I won't act on it - am just sharing. It feels that the longer the NC continues - will be 5 weeks this coming Monday, the longest by far that we have had NC in 3 years - that the reality is setting in that this really is done. And that's making me sad. Irrational yes, because I know it should be done for my own good/happiness, but we know that emotions and rationale rarely match. I'm insightful enough to understand that, but it doesn't remove the pain of the emotion. Anyway, am just getting it out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Not feeling as strong today - dammit! So want to communicate with him. I won't act on it - am just sharing. It feels that the longer the NC continues - will be 5 weeks this coming Monday, the longest by far that we have had NC in 3 years - that the reality is setting in that this really is done. And that's making me sad. Irrational yes, because I know it should be done for my own good/happiness, but we know that emotions and rationale rarely match. I'm insightful enough to understand that, but it doesn't remove the pain of the emotion. Anyway, am just getting it out there. Don't do it! I did it and I regret it. I was almost over it then wanted to entice him back. He just made me feel stupid and pathetic and ignored me. It hurts to open the door again. You're doing so well already you do t want to start over! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 My exMM doesn't live in the same Country as me. We had a 3 year A by seeing each other every couple of months when he was here. It's been 5 weeks NC, and a little over two months since I saw him. I know he'll be back here soon, and to be honest it's killing me! I want him to reach out so that I know he simply can't be here without contacting me, but I know what that will open up - it's a ridiculous cycle that I'm well out of. But then if he doesn't reach out, the reality that we're really done on all levels will hit me, and I'll feel that rejection all over again. I'm just venting as I don't know who else to say this to :-( Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 And we'll just say the same things, too - won't we? Venting is good. It's great. it's absolutely what you should do. But you know what you should NOT do. And that's establish any form of contact, or make any attempt to see/speak to him. Simple stuff. Damned hard, I know, but nothing could be simpler. Just - don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 How and who decided to go NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 On the last night of his last trip we sat and spoke about "what now" and as usual he was just full of the angst of not being able to leave his M. Once he'd left, we emailed and in on he said that as much as he cared for me, he wasn't going to leave his family, and he had to stop giving me the glimmer of hope that that would be the case. So it was his decision ultimately. Logically it is the right one, and 70% of the time I'd say I'm ok with it. I just can't get my logical and emotional brain to balance! Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I don't know, you seem to have come so far, and even though it still hurts so much, do you really want to start over ? I mean he has point blank told you he's not leaving his wife, what can he offer you at this point? Btw, mine point blank told me the same too. I broke it off because from that point on, I could no longer say how can you, how could you, don't you, will you..... Because he had just answered my questions and anything I endured at that point was my own fault. No more future (faking) no more ( false ) hope. Nothing left but severe pain for me if we continued. Really, really try and think about it. Hugs and strength to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 Thanks Cinnimon. Yes, I have come a long way over both my M and my A over this past 12 months. Hurts like a mofo tho ;-). Thanks for the hugs x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Accepting that it's really over is the hardest part. I ended my affair because there is no future unless I want to stay the OW. I know it's for the best and I know he will miss me badly also but as time goes by and we both stay away it hurts more because you realize it's really over but accepting that is also the most important realization in moving on. The heart has to catch up to the mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 as time goes by and we both stay away it hurts more because you realize it's really over but accepting that is also the most important realization in moving on.QUOTE] Totally! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 So I had a bit of a crisis with my teenage daughter over the last 24 hours. It made me realize that I wouldn't have been able to turn to my exAP because I would have not wanted him to know that I'm not perfect. That I'd worry he'd think I'm a bad parent. It so showed me how I had manipulated myself into what he needed rather than what I needed. I'll be 7 weeks NC on Monday and I do still miss him and am cut up with thoughts of him being here BUT it's getting easier. Just thought I'd share. Hope everyone is hanging in there x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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