Is this some clear cut BS or what?

[Justanaverageguy]

 

Ironically, she was always jealous/suspicious of my female friends as well. But these are girls I've known 15 years, theyre more like sisters at this point. I also never hid if/when I was hanging out with them.

 

Now the bigger question. DO I CALL THIS DUDE OUT?

 

There is nothing ironic about her jealousy issues. From my experience people who are overtly jealous or suspicious about their partners friends or even just them going out without them are normally the ones who are cheaters. Why .... because generally speaking people project the way they would act onto others. They are the type of person who would fool around and cheat if given the opportunity and the type of person who has poor boundaries and perhaps even "standby" guys. So there for they are very jealous when their partner is in the type of situations with members of the opposite sex where they themselves would do something improper. They think that you, will act the same way they do. Its a massive red flag for any person I date.

 

Also regarding calling the dude out. Don't bother - you will just boost his ego and fan the flames. The thing about affairs is .... most of the attraction comes from the thrill of it not being allowed. If you cut her lose and just show you no longer interested in her or who she see's it will have a much larger affect. The best and most telling thing you can do is cut her lose immediately and then never contact either of them again.

[road]

You know why your GF could not pick up the phone all those times.

 

 

Dump her.

[Space Ritual]

Now the bigger question. DO I CALL THIS DUDE OUT?

 

 

Why, was he in a committed relationship with you? No , she was.

 

He will just laugh at you and make you look worse than you already look by putting up with her antics and not dumping her. You are going to become a laughing stock if you just put up with some guy banging your GF and ramble on about "Trust". If it wasn't Steve it would be somebody else. Get rid of her, dude. WTF are you doing?

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah just so it's clear, I never forbade her from hanging out with the guy or threatened punishment if she did. i just wanted everything to be on the level. Evidently that was too much to ask. Appreciate all your comments.

 

 

No no no no no no no.

 

You are her bf, not her Dad!

 

WTF is this?

 

No wonder you got a rebellious kid on your hands! NOT that it excuses her, but seriously OP.........

 

You don't get to "forbid" things with an adult partner or "punish" them after.

 

That's mindset and framework is abusive.

 

She's an equal partner to you or she isn't one at all.

Not a child you can dictate terms to.

Either she respects your wishes because she cares about you, not because you "forbid" things and "punish" her, or you dump her.

 

You are not her parent!

[aliveagain]

Dude, what kind of girlfriend makes up a BS storey about going to a bar by herself? A girlfriend who has arranged to meet another man. What kind of girlfriend goes out with someone you work with alone and than goes to his house at 2:00 am in the morning to watch a movie? Why did it take her 15, 20, 30 minutes to respond to your texts, I guess she was busy. What kind of girlfriend has to lie to you about it before it happens? A girlfriend that is about to cheat on you.

 

Come on, if she's already lying and setting up private meetings with other men this early in your relationship how you going to survive long term? Your issue isn't the snake you work with your issue is your lying cheating girlfriend. Her idea of exclusive is different than yours. Other people know because she was seen, your the one being judged. The two of them are the only ones that know the truth, not a good position to be in when we are talking about your girlfriend and another man. All I know is if I bring a woman into my home at 2:00 in the morning, it's not to watch a movie.

[lolablue17]

N After this major lie here though, it's clear to me that there is(and probably was) some impropriety going on.

 

Gave her a chance, what more can I say.

 

What??!! You give her a chance? Why are you doing it to yourself? Do you wish to become the joke of town?

 

What do you mean by "some impropriety going on"? Seriously man, do you realy believe that they were just watching a movie? You're insane.

 

Why do you belive that? because of a testimony of a serial liar? It's the bible of every liar - "I'll admit something small, and through that i'll try to get a way with my bigger crimes". I just can't believe you trust her word.

[Justanaverageguy]

What??!! You give her a chance? Why are you doing it to yourself? Do you wish to become the joke of town?

 

I think what he meant was that before this incident he previously had some reservations about her relationship with this guy - but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now after this he realizes she took advantage of that trust and this was likely not an isolated incident.

 

I don't think he is in any doubt he needs to drop her like a hot potato .... at least I hope not.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Redhead14]

Alright, so my girlfriend of about 8 months did something last night I don't think I'm going to be able to accept. Girl gets out of work at 8PM, we text, she lets me know she's going to the bar by herself to grab a drink. I've never known her to go to the bar by herself to grab a drink, I found it strange that she was doing this, so I protested a little bit. After that she said "fine" she changed her mind, and was just going to go home. I was still a little suspicious that she wasn't being completely honest with me so I swung by the bar just to see if she was there. She wasn't. She texts me again a few minutes later, lets me know she's back at her place and is just going to stay in for the night.

 

So I head into work. 9PM.

 

2AM rolls around and I get a call from a buddy of mine who lets me know that he just randomly saw my girlfriend and "Steve"(guy we work with) walking into Steve's house. Now my girlfriend is 22. Steve is 33. She really wants to believe that Steve is her friend. Needless to say, I've been somewhat suspicious of him in the past, but she's mentioned him before, doesn't act shady when the three of us are in the break room together, doesn't hide that she talks to him, etc. And outside of very minor inquiries into their relationship like "you don't think it's strange that a 33 year old man wants a 22 year old as a friend?", I've generally been pretty tolerant to the couple times they've hung out.

 

So having this information I text her...

 

Me: "hey you still up, anything going on?"

(....25 minute radio silence)

Girlfriend: "sorry I was taking a nap"

Me: "oh you're at home?"

Girlfriend: "yeah just laying in bed"

Me: "oh did you do anything tonight"

(.....15 minute radio silence)

Girlfriend: "No just been at home watching TV"

Me: "oh must be nice"

Girlfriend: "are you getting out of work at 4AM or 5AM tonight"

me: "5AM, why"

(...30 minute radio silence)

 

So I spend the remaining 2 hours of my shift in absolute fury.

 

After I got out of work, I called her up, she picked up right away, wide awake, and I asked her again if she went anywhere/did anything that night to which she replied "No, after I got out of work I had to drop the car off for my mom and then Steve drove me home, been home ever since." She didn't even mention the bar situation let alone the fact she clearly went to Steve's house. So I drive to her house (she's outside smoking a cigarette and her hair was damp for some reason) and I called her out, let her know that I knew she was lying, and wanted to know why she was lying. She denied everything at first but then admitted that she went to Steve's house for a few hours to watch a movie. When I asked her why she didn't just tell me that, she said because she didn't want me to get upset. We sat in silence for a while, she apologized, swore nothing happened, and reiterated that they were "just friends."

 

I'm still not convinced. Don't think I can be. Any input?

 

she said because she didn't want me to get upset -- what else doesn't she tell you because she doesn't want you to get upset?

 

And, why would she be so upfront about Steve in the past and now hiding it?

 

It's true she can and should be friends with whomever she chooses, however, she should be upfront about it all the time.

[Spectre]

No no no no no no no.

 

You are her bf, not her Dad!

 

WTF is this?

 

No wonder you got a rebellious kid on your hands! NOT that it excuses her, but seriously OP.........

 

You don't get to "forbid" things with an adult partner or "punish" them after.

 

That's mindset and framework is abusive.

 

She's an equal partner to you or she isn't one at all.

Not a child you can dictate terms to.

Either she respects your wishes because she cares about you, not because you "forbid" things and "punish" her, or you dump her.

 

You are not her parent!

 

Uhh...sorry, I'm struggling here. Left kind of speechless. You realize the guy just said he never tried to forbid her or anything like that So why did you need to go on a rant about how she is not his child, when he just flat out said he wasn't treating her like one?

 

I mean, I would like to think maybe you misread, but you frickin BOLDED the part of him saying that. So I'm all kinds of confused. It surely can't be because he said he never forbade her you felt the need he had no right to forbid her even if he wanted to..since that is NOT what he said. He didn't say "I never forbade her, though I could of if I wanted". He simply pointed out he never tried to forbid her to do these things.

[drifter777]

Not so much COMPLETELY alright with it, but you gotta have trust in a relationship. If the girls up front with me about her male friends I don't have to invent a problem where there isn't one. After this major lie here though, it's clear to me that there is(and probably was) some impropriety going on.

 

Gave her a chance, what more can I say.

 

Ironically, she was always jealous/suspicious of my female friends as well. But these are girls I've known 15 years, theyre more like sisters at this point. I also never hid if/when I was hanging out with them.

 

Now the bigger question. DO I CALL THIS DUDE OUT?

So are you saying you're going to accept all this and give her another chance? I don't care one way or another I just want to understand.

 

Why would you give this guy any grief? Your girlfriend gave him easy, no-strings sex and you want to blame him? Not smart - most guys would do the same thing. It's your girlfriend that let him in...

[Friskyone4u]

Don't make a fool of yourself calling this other guy. He will laugh at you . Your girlfriend lied to you to go have sex with him and he has probably been after that for a while and so has she. And you gave her all the role she needed .

Women in committed relationships don't hang out with male friends alone in their apartments after drinking.

If your put up with this there is no advice anyone here can give you. The group will be here when she does it again . She is a confirmed liar and stop making excuses for her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Uhh...sorry, I'm struggling here. Left kind of speechless. You realize the guy just said he never tried to forbid her or anything like that So why did you need to go on a rant about how she is not his child, when he just flat out said he wasn't treating her like one?

 

I mean, I would like to think maybe you misread, but you frickin BOLDED the part of him saying that. So I'm all kinds of confused. It surely can't be because he said he never forbade her you felt the need he had no right to forbid her even if he wanted to..since that is NOT what he said. He didn't say "I never forbade her, though I could of if I wanted". He simply pointed out he never tried to forbid her to do these things.

 

Yes, I misread the part I bolded.

 

Been a long, lond tired ****ing week.

 

Good thing OP isn't an arsehole.

[Spectre]

Don't make a fool of yourself calling this other guy. He will laugh at you . Your girlfriend lied to you to go have sex with him and he has probably been after that for a while and so has she. And you gave her all the role she needed .

Women in committed relationships don't hang out with male friends alone in their apartments after drinking.

If your put up with this there is no advice anyone here can give you. The group will be here when she does it again . She is a confirmed liar and stop making excuses for her.

 

To be honest, I'd laugh right back in the face of this guy if he laughed. Since, why is he laughing? Nothing really to brag about that he got to sleep with some skanky chick. I'd feel super depressed, like "damn, I could of been ANY random dude this trash picked up on the street".

 

It's this weird thing where scummy guys feel good about themselves for hooking up with shady females.

[sfranklin]

I'm going to ignore some of the comments from people here that clearly have the reading comprehension skills of a 5 year old and simply give an update on my situation. I sat her down and explained to her that even if she didn't do anything with the guy, she completely lost my trust and continuing an exclusive relationship at this point would be worthless. I added that if we continued I would likely feel compelled to police her activities and scrutinize everything she says/does which would suck for both of us. I also ended up telling steve I hold no resentment towards him as it was her decision to lie and do whatever she did at his house and to feel free not to sneak around anymore.

 

Another one bites the dust.

[Spectre]

I'm going to ignore some of the comments from people here that clearly have the reading comprehension skills of a 5 year old and simply give an update on my situation. I sat her down and explained to her that even if she didn't do anything with the guy, she completely lost my trust and continuing an exclusive relationship at this point would be worthless. I added that if we continued I would likely feel compelled to police her activities and scrutinize everything she says/does which would suck for both of us. I also ended up telling steve I hold no resentment towards him as it was her decision to lie and do whatever she did at his house and to feel free not to sneak around anymore.

 

Another one bites the dust.

 

You did the right thing. How did she handle it?