Holmes85 Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) *Ex Gets In Contact With Me Indirectly For those of you who don't know, here's a quick recap of my relationship without going into too much detail: I was in a relationship for 2 years with my (now Ex) Girlfriend. During the last month or two I started to notice that she doesn't seem all that exciting to spend the time with me as much she used to. I also suspected that their might be someone else who she is insisted in pursuing a relationship with, given her behavior with me. Eventually she broke up with me, persisted on being friends, but I denied the offer to remain friends. 3 Weeks into the breakup, through a third source I came to find out that she's going out with someone else, which also validated my suspision further and within a month they were already in the relationship. She reached out to me during the first month of NC and gave another shot and tried her best to be friends with me, but I denied her again and this time I made it clear that I no longer want to be a part of her life anymore. 3 Months of NC and her brother messages me asking how I am and also said that "she is saying Hi to me", I ignored the "Hi" text from her and proceeded with some other topic he was discussing with me. (It seems to me like she might have went out of her way to say to her brother to say hello from her to me, when she could have just kept quite knowing that her brother was talking to me at that time, at least this is what I would have done, if I don't have interest in further contact). The next 2 months were complete silent till her brother wished me Merry Christmas and asked if I was dating someone else and gave me a few updates on whats happening on his end. I personally never message him, whenever he does message me, I keep it nice & short and don't inquire anything about her. Now just 2 weeks ago, her brother messaged me again asked me how I am and then immediately went to ask if I am dating someone else or I am not interested in anyone at the moment. I found it quite blunt and straight to the point that after saying hello he proceeded directly to ask me this question, which made me think that maybe it's my Ex who is trying to keep tabs on me through him. I replied that there is someone interested in pursuing a relationship with me (and there is), but for now I want some "me" time. Then he proceeded with other talks and then asked me if I still talk to "her", to which I replied that we have not been in contact since last summer (which made me think that how is this possible that he doesn't know whether I talk to her or not, I mean c'mon it can't be that he's totally clueless). I think I have a good idea of what's happening behind the scenes, but I think it would be a good idea to ask opinions here, I would love to hear your take on this. I have a feeling that all this time she has been keeping tabs on me through her brother, but the big question here is, you ended the relationship with me due to petty reasons, you are with someone else within 3 weeks, you made the decision to breakup, you have a Boyfriend now, it's been 10 months since the breakup, why would they be interested in asking questions like if I'm dating someone else, whether it be her brother or her? Edited April 6, 2015 by Holmes85 ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 They usually come crawling out of the woodwork when excitement of the new relationship fades or when rough patches in life come. Why are you keeping in contact with her inner circle ? Next time politely ask him not to mention her in your conversations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Guilt comes to mind. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 They usually come crawling out of the woodwork when excitement of the new relationship fades or when rough patches in life come. Why are you keeping in contact with her inner circle ? Next time politely ask him not to mention her in your conversations. I am not in contact with her inner circle as much, we simply talk once in 3 Months or not at all. I never contact the "inner circle" he contacts me. My replies are short and to the point. This time he even apologized for bringing this up. Why would an Ex Girlfriends brother would be interested in knowing whether I've a girlfriend or not, seems completely out of order to me, which made me think that it might not be him asking me this and the fact that when he asked if I still talk to her, also seemed pointless to me, I mean c'mon he's her brother, how can he not know whether we talk or not. I also agree that the shine from the new BF has worn off or there is trouble in the paradise, which is probably the reason of those indirect contacts. jen1447 Guilt comes to mind. It's a shame that she felt little to none when she broke up with me. All in all I personally as a dumper never go around asking whether my Ex has a boyfriend or not, nor do I go out of my way to say hello or ask my siblings to ask questions like these, once I am done, I am done for good, the reason is I've exhausted every option in the relationship. If she's feeling guilt, that's something she has to live with for the rest of her life. It was a choice she made, now she has to live with the consequences. It's funny how some dumpers end the relationship due to petty reasons and quickly enter into a new one and feel on the top of the world and when things go south (which let's be honest, in life they always do), they start looking what they had and never appreciated and then the guilt creeps in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Jen hit the nail on the head. It's guilt. I mean, you find out about three weeks after your break up that she's seeing someone else. Just a mere 21 days. But, that's when YOU found out. Chances are it probably started right after your break up. She probably had an emotional affair with this dude while she was with you and when she couldn't put it off any longer, she pulled the trigger on your relationship to pursue this other guy further. But, she tried to keep this new relationship under wraps as long as she could to make it not look like she dumped you for someone else and save a little face. So, she's had time to think on it and she knows she did you wrong. She's feeling guilty and she wants you to be with someone too so she can ease that guilt and say to herself, "Oh look! I'm in a new relationship and happy, he's in a new relationship and happy! All is right in the universe!" Then, she'll probably contact you for this "friendship". Personally, if it were me, the next time her brother contacts you and asks you if your seeing anyone; and even if you are in a new relationship and are complete happy with this girl, I would tell him, "No dude, I'm not. To be honest, your sister messed me up pretty bad and I have a hard time trusting women. It's going to be a long time before I'm healed from what she did." Chances are she'll be looking over his shoulder and reading what you wrote. Let her hang onto that guilt. Let it teach her that you can't treat people the way she treated you and expect people to be okay with it. Is it underhanded and sneaky? Sure! But, so is using her brother to pry into your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) Chi townD, You are correct about everything. There is no woman on this planet who is merely going to go out on a date with a guy they just met, especially 3 weeks into the breakup, the chances of her emotionally cheating way before is correct. Since I didn't knew what actually happened, I tried to reason with her and wanted to know what influenced her decision, her reasons were pretty pathetic. - It feels like you are just a friend to me (despite of being in a relationship for 2 years) - It's not you, its me - You did nothing wrong, my feelings changed - Why don't you remain friends with me, who knows my feelings might come back (what a classic!) Once I found out and confronted her, she even went ahead and said "He's not the reason for what I did". I even caught her in her own lying, I asked her what were your feeling about me during the last month, she said "I still had feelings for you then" I said "so within 3 weeks they changed?" she replied "no they didn't change in 3 weeks....I'm sorry I don't wanna talk about this?" and also "Of course I feel bad for what I did, but thats life". After hearing every pathetic thing she had to say, I told her no thanks to be friends, thanks for the memories, don't want to be a part of your life anymore, bye. She responded with "you have a big heart, don't change yourself for anyone, I hope you find someone...." and all that B.S. Also a friend of mine who is in contact with her told me about 2 weeks ago that she has quoted "love doesn't hurt, expectations do" on her facebook (trouble in the paradise?), I told him not to give me any further information regarding her anymore. Facts are facts, she was emotionally cheating on me before the breakup, she was treating me bad during the breakup, she treated me worse after the breakup and tried to friendzone me. It's sad how a decent person can suddenly turn into all this and drop so low, but that's a lesson for her to learn. Edited April 7, 2015 by Holmes85 spelling correction! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Of course I feel bad for what I did, but that's life?!?!?! Dude, this chick has no remorse. It's all about her and her happiness. Keep NC and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holmes85 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 Yep that is what said to me 10 months ago. I am in NC, I've removed her from everywhere, which is probably the reason she's trying to keep tabs on me through her brother. Since its been 10 months, I think the honeymoon phase is over and the guilt is creeping in her mind on how things went down or also the possibility of her having problems with the BF. Either way, She's not getting back in my life in any shape or form. Although I do have a feeling I might hear from her in some shape or form in the future as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 You should block her and her brother from contacting you. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Plug that hole in your NC. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Your signature is interesting. Somewhere around the time I stopped having panic attacks, I remember this sentence I kept telling myself that waiting for her to change her mind, I changed. Helped me pretty much then. Link to post Share on other sites
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