My story

[lilow]

I apologize for the length of this. I feel like i need to get everything out.

 

When I met my now-husband he was in the process of leaving his wife, and I was engaged. In what would be a long, unnecessary story, we started developing feelings for each other. I ended my engagement to be with him. There was definitely an emotional affair long before I ended my engagement, but he was already separating from his wife long before we had any relationship beyond platonic. But we started in a way that made me feel pretty crappy. there were a lot of great reasons for me to leave my fiance - my entire family was THRILLED that I did - but the truth is the reason I actually left him was because I had feelings for my now-husband.

 

My husband and I have amazing sex together. I am far from super experienced, but sex with my husband is on another level of anything i've experienced. the first night/day we were together I can't even count the number of times we had sex, but towards the end we were somehow both sore and still turned on. it was painful and funny at the same time. Sex should only be a small PART of a relationship but I placed a lot of emphasis on this experience. I believed we were perfect for each other. I know he felt the same way about this.

 

Once we finished school and i finished an out of state clerkship, we ended up with jobs in the same town and started living together. The first year was great. But then things started getting difficult. Whereas my sex drive only increased, his stopped. We weren't long distance anymore so we didn't have those intense crazy long distance chats where you talk about your emotions. he was shutting down so i didn't feel emotionally connected to him at all, either. I kept wanting sex (both for the physical feelings and the emotional connection), he kept turning me down. I stopped trying to initiate sex. An entire month went by with no sex...then, a second month. I asked again what was wrong, he got angry and told me sex was all I ever think about and it was annoying. he told me to leave it alone. So I did. during this time i dropped about 15 pounds and got down to high school weight.

 

In the midst of all this insecurity and loneliness, a longtime friend convinced he had a crush on me. He didn't say he loved me at first. He did say he cared about me and a lot, and also had been lusting after me for years. i'm assuming he picked up on some trouble in my relationship and that's why he chose that time to jump. I was so thrilled for the attention, I didn't shut it down. Instead I opened up about the marital problems we had. he was the only person i talked to about this and that became a dangerous thing. I feel disgust and regret over my actions, truly.

 

We ended up having an emotional affair, where he talked about taking care of me and me moving in with him, etc. we said we loved each other, we sexted, all that jazz. eventually my emotional affair turned physical. We only had sex once and actually it felt awful. I had been craving sex for 6 months at the time (six months without sex!) and it still didn't feel good. I think i was still too guilty to get into it. This was a nice guy and he was very flattering but I quickly realized the only reason I had been in this affair was because of how he made ME feel rather than how i felt about him. and that's awful.

 

My husband (then live-in boyfriend) found out, and read our conversations which were on my computer. He handled it very well and asked me what I wanted to do. He told me how much he loved me, and I was truly surprised. I had no idea he still felt that way about me. I ended things with the OM. The OM got angry told me to not contact him again, and hung up. that was it. we didn't even have a last in-person meeting, and oddly I did not even mourn his loss.

 

my man forgave me. he told me he read every word of our conversation and while OM tried to get me to say bad things about him, I repeatedly only said good things. Even when I was going through the worst rejection and OM was all "he is emotionally abusing you by doing this" I disagreed with him and said there had to be something going on, and I was just upset he didn't trust me enough to share.

 

There was still the subject of my man's dry spell. he tried to be there for me sexually, but a lot of times he was just caving into my needs. When I went on anxiety medication the side-effect was a lowered libido. he read that on the packet inset and said "THANK GOD!" I laughed, but part of me was sad he viewed my sex drive as a burden.

 

Soon, I bought a house and he moved into the house with me. our relationship outside of sex had always been strong and at this point was the strongest. he is my best friend, my closest ally, his opinion means so much to me. he is also an incredibly helpful and supportive partner. He does most of the cooking in the house and does at least half of the cleaning. he takes care of our dogs. When I am sick, he goes above and beyond to care for me. I never had someone treat me as great as him. He proposed and I said yes.

 

4 months to the wedding, I opened my ipad to see his email was signed in. And there were quite a few emails. From escorts. I started doing some digging and I found his p411 account and TER account. He hadn't actually booked appointments with TOO many women, but he had booked appointments with quite a few over a period of 2 years - six girls, a few he saw more than once. Some, within that dry spell period. times when I was begging him to sleep with me and he called me obsessed with sex. there was another appointment for a rather expensive escort during a time when we were VERY short on cash because my husband (at the time, fiancee) wasn't able to pay himself for about 6 months (he owns his own business). We actually made out great at the end of the year when a big settlement came in, but he didn't know that would happen, yet he spent the money while i was stuck with all the bills. then after the big settlement money came in, he made two more escort appointments. he also used that huge bonus money to buy me a ring. Yep. an engagement ring and two escorts. LOL. also this was a time when our sex life was actually pretty fabulous. weird, right?

 

I should let everyone know i have no moral issue with escorts, the lie and the sneaking hurt way more than the fact he used them. I see them as an extension of porn and putting my health in danger, but I do not see him or them as disgusting human beings. A friend of mine was an escort for a short time, i am just not one to judge. My husband knows that.

 

I wish i had reacted the way I was "supposed" to act - the scorned wife being angry and screaming and mad...but it wasn't in me. Of course, i felt i deserved this for cheating on him (admittedly, he was cheating first, but i cheated too so it doesn't matter).

 

Instead of anger, I was just sad and scared and acted pretty pathetic...and I wanted to know EVERYTHING that he had kept from me. I begged him to not do it anymore, i asked a lot of questions on why he did this, what they gave him I couldn't..when, how often, what type of girl did he like, etc. When he couldn't answer a lot of the questions I made him sign into the escort websites where i read his "reviews" on the girls. I found out he brought one to my house - the house i bought for us. i found he often screwed the girls twice in a one hour period. this hurt because he had stopped doing a two in a row deal with me years ago. I was devastated as I realized so much of our relationship had this underbelly I had never seen.

 

my other reaction was...odd. in the midst of all of that we had sex. a lot. i don't know why or what possessed me. every time felt like it might be the last because i was still on the fence with breaking things off, and i wanted sex with him because it made me feel good, honestly. i initiated and he more than obliged. afterwards he'd hold me and told me no one compared to me, or something like that, i'd cry and say i'd have to be an idiot to believe him.

 

My biggest issue wasn't the escorts, it was the lie. i figured he wasn't ever going to stop seeing escorts so I told him he had to tell me the next time. he was adamant he wasn't seeing them again, and that he could no longer lie to himself and say this had nothing to do with me, or didn't hurt me, since he was now going to see me sobbing every time he even though of seeing an escort.

 

we went round and round, eventually made a plan that involved STD testing (we were clear) and counseling. through counseling, and i was given all his passwords and free reign to look in on him whenever i wanted (he already had mine - he's had all my passwords for YEARS, he always hid his for what is now an obvious reason). I also was given a tracker for his phone so i could see where he was at all times (he has one for me too). I was so confident in us that we got married. it's been a year since i found out about the escorts, and I've only caught him doing one thing that's inappropriate - and it wasn't even that bad.

 

He basically cheated with escorts because he liked a variety. i couldn't fix that problem. he said he didn't need it, it was only a passing selfish desire. But I was convinced he'd be miserable and go through another dry spell if he didn't have the variety he needed. I said if he wanted, we could do a couple's session. he didn't want me involved with escorts, but when my high school friend came to visit and we talked about our hookups with one another, he was very, very happy when I was able to arrange a threesome. We all enjoyed it, and it was an oddly healing process.

 

This is how i react to being cheated on. I do not understand me. but i felt closer to him, and I felt he was a lot more open with me about everything.

 

the problem is i found out about this president's weekend 2014. i STILL have nightmares where he's seeing the escorts again. I STILL check his email accounts and I STILL check his phone to see where he is sometimes (one escort lives in town and he'd see her during lunch. every now and then i will get hyper paranoid and look up his phone location). I need to get over it. I'm not angry at him anymore. I'm not angry at me anymore. I'd be lying if i still don't get hurt and sad thinking about the whole thing, but again, I cheated on him too and feel i have no right to fixate on this. he got over my infidelity so quickly! How come I can't?

[Spectre]

There is no point in staying together. You cheated on him, if you cared about him at all or loved him you wouldn't of screwed another guy. He cheated on you too, so he doesn't really love you either. Stop wasting each others time. Next time you are feeling lonely in a relationship..get out of said relationship before you begin screwing other people.

 

Also, him forgiving you that easily should of been a sign something was up. Men who truly love their wives tend to not be so forgiving upon finding out they screwed some other guy. He wouldn't of gotten over it quickly(or at all) if he truly loved you, because that is a HUGE betrayal. Also, you then having 3somes with your friend and your husband just made the situation even worse. Basically, I think your husband got over what you did so quickly because he doesn't love you anymore. Meanwhile, you've convinced yourself you actually love him even though your actions clearly say otherwise.

 

Take this as a sign: you are not meant to be. People who are meant to be together do not cheat on one another. They'd rather tear off their own arm then do that.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Spectre

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, you have more reasons to divorce than to stay together.

 

You don't place your story in a time frame, but neither of you have proven the ability - or even the desire - to be faithful. And that's without touching the origin of your relationship.

 

Why not - both of you - be single and do what you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

It's more than his need for variety.

 

He was with holding from YOU while meeting with them.

 

And he had sex in YOUR home! That's anger. That's destructive. That's mean and terrible of him. And all while no sex with you? He's just mean.

 

But you both have been hiding things and it's a very odd dynamic.

 

Did the counselor get to the bottom of his anger towards you? If not then go back and address that... Don't stop until you've uncovered all of what he resents about you - and you two have a chance to work on what has been bothering him.

 

My guess is he thinks you have too much power in the relationship... But that's just my guess.

[Spectre]

At this point why bother wasting money on a counselor? They should just move on, they don't love each other.

[lilow]

We already paid a counselor. His last infidelity was a year ago!

 

While I'm ashamed of my actions, I will not ever agree that I did not love him at any point or do not love him now. Even during my affair (my affair, by the way, was 4 years ago and I have never so much as had a desire to stray since) I did not stop caring abut him or loving my husband. Now my greatest fear is that he stops trusting me and closes me out of any part of his life again. being shut out from any part of his life is misery. I want to be his everything, the way he is mine. I want to be able to talk to him about anything and know he trusts me to talk about anything.

 

My affair was a hideous thing because I used the attention another man to make myself feel better during a terrible time. the person I used to talk to was shutting me out, and I didn't go to therapy to talk it out (i was too embarrassed to talk to any of my girlfriends about it). Instead I confided in the worst person possible - someone who made it clear he was interested in me sexually.

 

The OM knew my husband and could be considered a friend of his, for that reason my husband says I shouldn't feel bad about his feelings at all - he bad mouthed a friend to me in hopes of getting me to leave him. But I hurt the OM terribly. When I called to end it he cried, begged me to leave and run away with him, and I just told him I couldn't do it because as he knew, I never stopped being in love with my guy. I started to cry, apologizing for hurting him, and he abruptly changed in a way that still makes me grateful. He became cold and he called me pathetic and desperate for attention, something along those lines. It was a slap to reality. He was right. I told him that he was right and that I was horrible for doing that to him. He hung up and told me not to contact him again.

 

All my feelings were suddenly explainable to me, and my self loathing at that moment was pretty high. I haven't wanted to talk to the OM, for anything anymore. He never contacted me again.

 

When my husband and I discussed my affair I told him I was willing to do anything to fix our relationship. He was VERY kind about it and just confessed he had strong feelings for me and even if he should leave me, he couldn't. He loved me too much and he couldn't picture his life without me. He confessed he was the most jealous that I shared my life goals, my fears, my dreams with this OM. The only time he really cried when my infidelity came to light is when he said "I thought that was stuff you only shared with me. You're the only person I talk about that stuff with " I do wonder if the reason he was so forgiving was because he was having the affairs on the side. Of course, he wasn't telling the escorts intimate details of his dreams and aspirations.

 

going back to being emotionally shut out scares me. I never want to feel that way, so rejected and alone. after going through my infidelity and his, I realized the depth of my feelings for him, and now the thought of losing him again is scary. We've both mentioned this in therapy and the therapist said it's normal, it brings up a lot of feelings and you realize how dependent you are on one another.

 

We ended therapy on a good note, with the therapist telling me it was normal to feel a little paranoia, adn I shouldn't feel bad about "checking up" on him. But it's been a year adn the fears are still there (albeit, less often).

[minimariah]

Meanwhile, you've convinced yourself you actually love him even though your actions clearly say otherwise.

 

he was emotionally abusing her & neglecting her, rejecting her and hurting her with that, not paying attention to her needs. not taking care of his partner at all. on top of everything... he had no problems taking care of other women & satisfying their needs - that being said, it's clear that HE doesn't love HER. like... are we really surprised that the OP cheated? however - the OP clearly has strong feelings for her H, because Lord knows it takes a lot of LOVE and affection for anyone to deal what she has been dealing with for years, apparently.

 

cheating = no love, not cheating = love -----> this is not how it works and i'll never understand how folks fail to realize that nothing on this planet is that black & white.

 

he forgave her easily because he knew he was cheating 1st, so it was probably out of guilt + he was probably aware of the fact that he caused many problems that eventually led to the OP's infidelity. OP is having a hard time forgetting & forgiving because she never got the answers to all the WHY questions... unlike her H.

 

OP - divorce him. you don't need a man who will neglect you while spending his time (& YOUR money) with other women. cheating aside... this man is a horrible husband and a horrible partner and you deserve better.

[lilow]

Honestly, you have more reasons to divorce than to stay together.

 

You don't place your story in a time frame, but neither of you have proven the ability - or even the desire - to be faithful. And that's without touching the origin of your relationship.

 

Why not - both of you - be single and do what you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

My infidelity was 4 years ago. It was my only affair.

 

He was seeing escorts prior to our relationship starting, he stopped for awhile, and then started seeing them, about 1 every two-three months, up until I found out. I found out in February 2014, the last escort was December, 2013.

 

I'm not considering leaving him I'm in love with him and I'm staying. That is what I want. If you could tell me I could have anyone love me in the whole world, I'd pick him. Seriously.

 

I just want to know how to completely move on and stop having random nightmares about the whole ordeal all over again.

 

But it's good to hear an outsider's perspective, so thanks.

[lilow]

 

Did the counselor get to the bottom of his anger towards you? If not then go back and address that... Don't stop until you've uncovered all of what he resents about you - and you two have a chance to work on what has been bothering him.

 

My guess is he thinks you have too much power in the relationship... But that's just my guess.

I get frustrated because there are a lot of unanswered questions and I think that's part of it. I will never know why he slept with escorts. He claims he doesn't know. The counselor got it down to periods of stress, but stress tends to make him super tired and grumpy around me. I don't get why stress made him want to seek sex with another woman.

 

The sex with the prostitutes was also pretty vanilla - no weird fetish, nothing we hadn't done. So it wasn't like he was seeking something I refused to do.

 

Through therapy it came out that sex with the prostitutes was more of a dump. He could turn his mind off, and the emotion wasn't there. With me, there was a LOT of emotion and he had to worry about my needs and my enjoyment, so it wasn't the stress relief sex with a prostitute was, i guess. I still don't get it.

 

The other issue was he liked variety, which I got to a certain extent, except he saw the same prostitute a few times since she lives right in our area. H asked why her? and he said "convenience". I reminded him that I'm the most convenient, adn that didn't make sense.

 

I still don't get why he used them - he used them while we were in a dry spell, he used them during a time period where we were having sex almost as much as we did in the beginning of our relationship.

 

I still don't get why we had dry spells. He didn't use escorts on a weekly basis (we'd be god damned broke), so they weren't satisfying him. He admitted he was able to compartmentalize his hookups with escorts as something that "had nothing to do with me" so he didn't feel guilty about it. So why wasn't he having sex with me? The answer appears to be stress, the same reason he HAD sex with escorts. the therapist kinda led him down a road with a series of questions that ended in "sex is so important to you, you place a big emphasis on it. everytime we have it i feel so much pressure to make it great for you. it's a very emotional experience, I see you, I see you worrying about me too and there's pressure for me to prove to you i'm enjoying it. I don't worry about any of that with escorts."

 

Of course this upset me because I never feel ANY of this pressure. I just enjoy myself without thinking about it. He always SEEMS to enjoy himself but prior to this I never even thought to question it. I hated learning there was all this crap going on in his head that I was oblivious to, and hated that what I thought was so great was a stressor on him. I thinkkkk we got through this as I explained to him how I feel about it.

 

I still won't get it, most of what I won't get is the lie. He knows me, and he knows I haven't ever shunned him for anything he wanted to try or do - not just sexually - but outside of that. I am VERY open-minded. If he had told me he had a desire for variety we could have discussed joining the lifestyle, or whatever. You can judge me, but I don't care. I have friends who swing, and while I haven't had an intense desire to join that world, I would dip a toe in if my husband wanted to try it. I'm not even a jealous type. I just don't like being lied to. and I certainly don't like that during those periods when he wasn't interested in sex, he was banging someone else.

[beach]

He's lying.

 

You still don't have enough answers to forgive or even work on the M. Variety and convenience aren't gonna cut it.

 

Have the counselor get to the real reason.

 

I do think it was easier for him to have unemotional sex. All while punishing you by with holding.

 

But it's just mean and cruel.

 

And sex in your own home is really vile... That's just Dispicable.

 

 

Why are you staying without having answers and truth first?

[spanz1]

well you both screwed up. but have been working on it.

 

 

I do not fully understand your worry. you cheated on him first, then he cheated on you. so why are you so concerned now? just accept the fact that both of you, from time to time, cheat. stop worrying about it. stop checking his emails, etc. you both know what your morals are so stop beating him up over his morals! if you love him...give him some freedom. he may cheat, he may not, but it really should not bother you much at this point. encourage him to be honest about it at least!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Considering you both cheated with each other from the very beginning of the relationship...sets a precedence for a foundation of betrayal. He was married...you were engaged...you became involved....betraying your significant others.

 

Then you cheat...because he is withholding sex....and now you find out he is visiting hookers for the duration of your relationship.

 

IMHO...and everyone has one...and what i think means absolutely nothing....

it is not worth the time and effort it will require to repair this relationship.

 

You both...have no respect for the sanctity of marriage. You became involved with a married man...you disrespected his wife....and yourself. He too disrespected your fiance. You don't care about anyone but yourselves.

 

You continued to prove this in your behaviors...your affair and his hooker fetish.

 

it would take tremendous commitment....therapy....forgiveness...remorse...time....

and i don't think i hear that either of you is willing to do what it would take to repair all of the damage that has been done.

 

I am a huge advocate of reconciliation....but i am also honest and sometimes divorce is the best answer. My honest answer is...this relationship is so damaged...that i think you might be better off alone.

 

If however...you think the two of you is willing to put in the work it will take to "fix" what is broken...the God bless you and i wish you the best.

[beach]

I get frustrated because there are a lot of unanswered questions and I think that's part of it. I will never know why he slept with escorts. He claims he doesn't know. The counselor got it down to periods of stress, but stress tends to make him super tired and grumpy around me. I don't get why stress made him want to seek sex with another woman.

 

The sex with the prostitutes was also pretty vanilla - no weird fetish, nothing we hadn't done. So it wasn't like he was seeking something I refused to do.

 

Through therapy it came out that sex with the prostitutes was more of a dump. He could turn his mind off, and the emotion wasn't there. With me, there was a LOT of emotion and he had to worry about my needs and my enjoyment, so it wasn't the stress relief sex with a prostitute was, i guess. I still don't get it.

 

The other issue was he liked variety, which I got to a certain extent, except he saw the same prostitute a few times since she lives right in our area. H asked why her? and he said "convenience". I reminded him that I'm the most convenient, adn that didn't make sense.

 

I still don't get why he used them - he used them while we were in a dry spell, he used them during a time period where we were having sex almost as much as we did in the beginning of our relationship.

 

I still don't get why we had dry spells. He didn't use escorts on a weekly basis (we'd be god damned broke), so they weren't satisfying him. He admitted he was able to compartmentalize his hookups with escorts as something that "had nothing to do with me" so he didn't feel guilty about it. So why wasn't he having sex with me? The answer appears to be stress, the same reason he HAD sex with escorts. the therapist kinda led him down a road with a series of questions that ended in "sex is so important to you, you place a big emphasis on it. everytime we have it i feel so much pressure to make it great for you. it's a very emotional experience, I see you, I see you worrying about me too and there's pressure for me to prove to you i'm enjoying it. I don't worry about any of that with escorts."

 

Of course this upset me because I never feel ANY of this pressure. I just enjoy myself without thinking about it. He always SEEMS to enjoy himself but prior to this I never even thought to question it. I hated learning there was all this crap going on in his head that I was oblivious to, and hated that what I thought was so great was a stressor on him. I thinkkkk we got through this as I explained to him how I feel about it.

 

I still won't get it, most of what I won't get is the lie. He knows me, and he knows I haven't ever shunned him for anything he wanted to try or do - not just sexually - but outside of that. I am VERY open-minded. If he had told me he had a desire for variety we could have discussed joining the lifestyle, or whatever. You can judge me, but I don't care. I have friends who swing, and while I haven't had an intense desire to join that world, I would dip a toe in if my husband wanted to try it. I'm not even a jealous type. I just don't like being lied to. and I certainly don't like that during those periods when he wasn't interested in sex, he was banging someone else.

 

None of it got resolved... Who are you kidding?

 

All you two did was overlook bad behavior and sweep it under the rug without having resolved the issues. Then you went further and called it love.

 

 

When the issues aren't discussed until all questions have answers - it's still not at the healing stage. So why did you both agree to forgive when no info was offered to determine what is to be forgiven?

 

New agreements are made that stop causing harm to self and harm to others after all betrayal is exposed and completely understood and RESOLVED.

 

 

You two haven't uncovered the feelings behind all the betrayal you've created! So there's no way to forgive.

 

You want a better marriage? Get honest with each other. Get answers behind all the questions and don't stop until you know the feelings involved in all his actions.

 

 

You two are BLINDLY forgiving. That's like taking a hundred dollar bill and making it's value one penny. You don't have a marriage - you have a lot of faking and lying and pretending to be happy.

[whichwayisup]

He sounds more like a sex addict and needs a good variety of sex from different women.

 

This seems like a toxic marriage, damaging and also you both have wrong ways of handling problems.

[lilow]

He's lying.

 

You still don't have enough answers to forgive or even work on the M. Variety and convenience aren't gonna cut it.

 

Have the counselor get to the real reason.

 

I do think it was easier for him to have unemotional sex. All while punishing you by with holding.

 

But it's just mean and cruel.

 

And sex in your own home is really vile... That's just Dispicable.

 

 

Why are you staying without having answers and truth first?

I don't think it was punishment, or with malice that he's denying answers. He keeps saying he doesn't know and he can't explain it. I had no trouble explaining the reasons I stayed - he said my reasons sound like I blamed him. I see where he is coming from and I have tried to make it obvious I don't blame him for my cheating, I blame my selfishness, insecurity, and inability to seek help when I needed it. But it stemmed from something.

 

My therapist considered variety, convenience, and stress to be adequate reasons for hiring escorts. i know this because I kept asking and he was like "sometimes there's just a series of small reasons not one large reason."

 

The sex in the home was the hardest to forgive. I bought this house for us, it is in my name alone. His credit rating was not good enough to qualify for a good mortgage rate (mine is excellent). I did it. I even used my savings for the downpayment. Its my house for us. Why would I buy a home with 4 bedrooms 5 minutes away from both of our offices - especially when he owns his business and I will most likely change my place of employment to somewhere in another city soon? I mean, it was our future. if i didn't love him I would not have done this.

 

I stayed because i believed he loved me. his infidelity brought us closer on other issues, we share more now, i feel attached to him like I did the first few years of our relationship. i can tell he loves me, and though everyone in this thread has been helpful in giving me a new perspective, I don't doubt that he cares about me and loves me. Maybe he will stop being "in love" but he will not stop caring and loving me.

 

I guess most people in this forum have never strayed from their SO, they've been the scorned spouse and not the cheater. I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for me. Cheating on someone you love is a miserable experience. You go through periods of exhilaration, and excitement,sure, and that's what keeps you going until you get to the point of no return. But it's then followed by extreme guilt and self loathing. When the OM develops feelings, you suddenly feel trapped. I went through periods of feeling suicidal because i thought I had ruined the lives of everyone I touched and I had convinced myself there was no way out. I didn't dare share my affair with others as I was too ashamed, so I had no voice of reason telling me I could walk away from the affair at any time, because OM wasn't really going to be as devastated as he told me he was. Cheating is like building your own torture chamber and forgetting where you put the door. and the whole experience is terrible.

 

You couldn't pay me any amount of money to go through that torture again. So to answer the question of "why not just think this is what you both do sometimes?" the answer is I can't bear to think this will ever happen again. The thought of going through it again is enough to make me physically ill. even reliving it makes me so disgusted with myself. No thank you.

Edited April 7, 2015 by lilow

[beach]

 

I don't think it was punishment, or with malice that he's denying answers. He keeps saying he doesn't know and he can't explain it.

 

 

His punishment was with holding sex knowing you wanted it - then offered his sex to many other women - even paying money for it you didn't have. That is punishment. That is betrayal - it IS malicious!

 

 

You go on to explain more rationalizing of why you both forgave yet didn't understand what you were forgiving because no solid truth was offered.

I don't think we are communicating well.

 

I keep attempting to point out ways you two can grow and learn and you keep thinking you've done all the healing there is to do.

 

All that yet you have no answers and very little truth.

And You forgave sex in your house too without his reason why?

 

 

I'm left shaking my head. I can't help you see anything when you have your eyes shut so tight and are unwilling to look at another perspective.

 

 

Keep trying to convince yourself you love him - maybe one day it will convince you.

 

 

Love doesn't look like that.

Edited April 7, 2015 by beach

[lilow]

His punishment was with holding sex knowing you wanted it - then offered his sex to many other women - even paying money for it you didn't have. That is punishment. That is betrayal - it IS malicious!

 

 

You go on to explain more rationalizing of why you both forgave yet didn't understand what you were forgiving because no solid truth was offered.

I don't think we are communicating well.

 

I keep attempting to point out ways you two can grow and learn and you keep thinking you've done all the healing there is to do.

 

All that yet you have no answers and very little truth.

And You forgave sex in your house too without his reason why?

 

 

I'm left shaking my head. I can't help you see anything when you have your eyes shut so tight and are unwilling to look at another perspective.

 

 

Keep trying to convince yourself you love him - maybe one day it will convince you.

 

 

Love doesn't look like that.

no i think you are right that there are deeper issues, i responded to you because the unanswered questions thing hit a nerve. i think that's exactly it. the problem is i can't GET an answer to my question and my husband doesn't know why i need the questions answered. in his mind who cares why he did it, the point is he did it and there's no excuse for it. i need to know why he did it so i can feel comfortable we address the problem and it won't happen again. i haven't got much help from the counselor, he thinks he's answered all my questions. i thought i just had to accept what i had and move on and i appreciate in whatever way having this lingering feeling validated.

 

i forgave the sex in the house because i realize i'm more sentimental than him and it didn't mean anything to him, he didn't see the significance of where he cheated. he just saw the act as bad no matter where it was.

 

i am not going to lie, my own cheating made me think i owed him the same forgiveness he showed me. he told me if i had cheated with him in his bed, he wouldn't have been any more devastated than if i did it in another country.

 

he told me and the therapist he knew that if he blamed this all on my infidelity i would have apologized and he would have gotten off scott free. he didn't do that. instead he kept saying it was entirely unrelated, he had no excuse, and even when i asked if he did it because he harbored resentment against me, he said absolutely not. eventually i found out he was seeing them before my infidelity but i didn't know that when i first found out about all this.

 

i guess the reason i'm having trouble moving on and trusting him is i still don't understand why he did this. so in that way this thread (and you) have helped.

 

as for denying sex to me when we discuss this topic, he disputes the time periods of no sex (claims he thought he had sex with me once every 2 months, instead of withholding for a full 6 months), and says it was unrelated to the women he paid for sex because that was an entirely different thing. the times when he was seeing them covers times when we were at a sex standstill and times when we were having sex often, so he used that to "prove" that it had nothing to do with sex with me. and yeah, i still don't get it. though i run the risk of being the girl who makes every problem all about her.

 

Another issue for why he did this - I might be seen by society as more attractive than him - only because he is overweight. people make comments about it sometimes. sometimes they make in poor taste jokes - they reference king of queens, even family guy once - it's a dick move and played on his insecurity a bit, and i wonder if that had something to do with it. that, plus the fact for awhile I was supporting him financially, i dunno.

[beach]

Because you don't understand it and he won't get honest and explain it to you is what keeps you from moving forward and trusting him.

 

 

Say it. Be honest with yourself.

 

You don't trust him

You don't like what he did to you

You don't like what you did to him

You two don't know what honest looks like

You forgive when you don't know yet what you are expected to forgive

You rug sweep

You pretend to forgive but hold onto resentments

You participate in sabotaging the marriage

 

 

 

Find out what is real.

 

Don't decide anything yet. A decision based on no or false info isn't a wise decision.

 

Find out info

Don't settle until you know his feelings and dig for his truth

Need info - need info - need info = I order to move even one step forward.

 

But even after having info - you need to process the info - talk it through openly and honestly - and the decide if you two even have a chance at anything further.

 

 

It may be disastrous. It maybe healing.

 

But it is just fake until you know real info and feelings.

[lilow]

another thing i wanted to clarify is my husband was legally separated before we even exchanged more than a few words. we had several mutual friends, but before he separated i don't think we were ever alone and i didn't even have his phone number.

 

I broke off my engagement when i started recognizing my feelings were "inappropriate". it was emotional, i went to him with my problems, not my fiance. I was 22 years old at the time. I told my fiance I had feelings for my now-husband before I even told my now-husband. I feel guilt over a lot, my fiance was devastated and still will randomly reach out to me and tell me i ruined his life (its been YEARS). but we didn't start our relationship as a physical affair or even an emotional affair with a sexual component. we did a bit of flirting, but it was subtle. the bigger issue was he was the one i wanted to share my good news and bad news with him, and he started sharing with me details of his failed relationship and i went from sincere worry about him to realizing i was feeling more than concern as a friend. there was other stuff going on with the fiance at the time and we wouldn't have worked anyway, but i still left him and was honest on why.

Edited April 7, 2015 by lilow

[beach]

These details aren't important for your situation now.

 

 

Why are you avoiding looking at this realistically?

 

 

Write it out on paper - it may help.

 

Write a list too - of questions you need real answers to - from your husband.

 

 

If he's incapable of providing you answers that could help steer the M in a direction of uncovering truth and begin the healing - then you are only left with a broken marriage that is irreparable due to lies and secrecy.

 

 

This kind of healing takes solid hard work! Years and years of repairing the damage you've both caused - if ever.

 

Make a decision. But first you need to know if he's willing and you're willing to both give 150% to repairing the damage.

[Mr. Lucky]

The sex in the home was the hardest to forgive. I bought this house for us, it is in my name alone. His credit rating was not good enough to qualify for a good mortgage rate (mine is excellent). I did it. I even used my savings for the downpayment. Its my house for us. Why would I buy a home with 4 bedrooms 5 minutes away from both of our offices - especially when he owns his business and I will most likely change my place of employment to somewhere in another city soon? I mean, it was our future. if i didn't love him I would not have done this.

 

Don't think it was an accident he had paid sex in "your" house, Freud would have a field day with the symbolism. He thinks (perhaps subconsciously) your relationship is out of balance financially and tries to even the score sexually, withholding from you and giving elsewhere.

 

Between the infidelity, communication and power dynamic there's an awful lot of work to do and, so far, an unwillingness to do it coupled with very few constructive learned behaviors. Each time the sh*t has hit the fan, one of you has bailed, run and slept elsewhere. And even if you're up for it, you're only half the equation. BTW, this ignores the history of unfaithful early and threesome lately.

 

Certainly wish you luck, would guess you're going to need it...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited April 7, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[Artie Lang]

correction, you had two affairs... you cheated on your then-fiancee and you cheated on your husband.

 

 

i might be wrong, but it seems your attraction to your husband is based on the intensity of your relationship. the sexual aspect is what drew the two of you together that's why it's so hard for you to "get over it"- not that you should.

 

 

furthermore, your husband sounds like a sex addict.

[HurtOfGlass]

Correct me if I am wrong:

 

You had two affair - cheated on you previous fiancee and then your new husband to be

 

And now you are sad that you are being cheated on?

[minimariah]

Correct me if I am wrong:

 

You had two affair - cheated on you previous fiancee and then your new husband to be

 

And now you are sad that you are being cheated on?

 

why shouldn't she be sad?

what - if someone cheats in the past, they're forever forbidden to be upset & devastated when THEY are the ones being cheated on? how does that make any sense?

 

not ever affair is the same and i think we can all understand a 22 - year old having an EA because at that age you probably don't even know what a real committment looks like, let alone an EA.

 

and her 2nd A isn't really an A - mostly because it was heavily caused by her husband & his rejection, behavior... and on top of everything, turns out he cheated way before.

 

OP - stop beating yourself up over these affairs. stop punishing yourself over these A, you made a mistake and you'll learn from them.

 

he WILL cheat again, mark my words. it is up to you to figure out if you can handle it on or not. also, you checking his texts and mails doesn't mean anything - he can always go underground with secret accounts so there is that.

[Spectre]

he was emotionally abusing her & neglecting her, rejecting her and hurting her with that, not paying attention to her needs. not taking care of his partner at all. on top of everything... he had no problems taking care of other women & satisfying their needs - that being said, it's clear that HE doesn't love HER. like... are we really surprised that the OP cheated? however - the OP clearly has strong feelings for her H, because Lord knows it takes a lot of LOVE and affection for anyone to deal what she has been dealing with for years, apparently.

 

cheating = no love, not cheating = love -----> this is not how it works and i'll never understand how folks fail to realize that nothing on this planet is that black & white.

 

This is all lovely, and not a SINGLE thing you just said gave her any right to cheat.

 

Not everything is black and white, but this thing? Totally is: you don't bang other folk if you love your spouse.

 

this man is a horrible husband and a horrible partner and you deserve better.

 

They are both cheaters here, do not ever forget that fact.