Spectre Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 We already paid a counselor. His last infidelity was a year ago! While I'm ashamed of my actions, I will not ever agree that I did not love him at any point or do not love him now. Even during my affair (my affair, by the way, was 4 years ago and I have never so much as had a desire to stray since) I did not stop caring abut him or loving my husband. Now my greatest fear is that he stops trusting me and closes me out of any part of his life again. being shut out from any part of his life is misery. I want to be his everything, the way he is mine. I want to be able to talk to him about anything and know he trusts me to talk about anything. My affair was a hideous thing because I used the attention another man to make myself feel better during a terrible time. the person I used to talk to was shutting me out, and I didn't go to therapy to talk it out (i was too embarrassed to talk to any of my girlfriends about it). Instead I confided in the worst person possible - someone who made it clear he was interested in me sexually. The OM knew my husband and could be considered a friend of his, for that reason my husband says I shouldn't feel bad about his feelings at all - he bad mouthed a friend to me in hopes of getting me to leave him. But I hurt the OM terribly. When I called to end it he cried, begged me to leave and run away with him, and I just told him I couldn't do it because as he knew, I never stopped being in love with my guy. I started to cry, apologizing for hurting him, and he abruptly changed in a way that still makes me grateful. He became cold and he called me pathetic and desperate for attention, something along those lines. It was a slap to reality. He was right. I told him that he was right and that I was horrible for doing that to him. He hung up and told me not to contact him again. All my feelings were suddenly explainable to me, and my self loathing at that moment was pretty high. I haven't wanted to talk to the OM, for anything anymore. He never contacted me again. When my husband and I discussed my affair I told him I was willing to do anything to fix our relationship. He was VERY kind about it and just confessed he had strong feelings for me and even if he should leave me, he couldn't. He loved me too much and he couldn't picture his life without me. He confessed he was the most jealous that I shared my life goals, my fears, my dreams with this OM. The only time he really cried when my infidelity came to light is when he said "I thought that was stuff you only shared with me. You're the only person I talk about that stuff with " I do wonder if the reason he was so forgiving was because he was having the affairs on the side. Of course, he wasn't telling the escorts intimate details of his dreams and aspirations. going back to being emotionally shut out scares me. I never want to feel that way, so rejected and alone. after going through my infidelity and his, I realized the depth of my feelings for him, and now the thought of losing him again is scary. We've both mentioned this in therapy and the therapist said it's normal, it brings up a lot of feelings and you realize how dependent you are on one another. We ended therapy on a good note, with the therapist telling me it was normal to feel a little paranoia, adn I shouldn't feel bad about "checking up" on him. But it's been a year adn the fears are still there (albeit, less often). I will bottom line this: if you loved him the SECOND this other dude physically touched you..you would of cringed, NOT banged him. You shouldn't feel bad about checking up on him. It's the whole cheating and betrayal that should be the sources of you feeling bad. Of course he is a cheater as well, so it's just not meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 and her 2nd A isn't really an A - mostly because it was heavily caused by her husband & his rejection, behavior... and on top of everything, turns out he cheated way before. His rejection, behavior and cheating are good reasons for counseling or divorce, not cheating. Affairs aren't caused, they're chosen... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 His rejection, behavior and cheating are good reasons for counseling or divorce, not cheating. Affairs aren't caused, they're chosen... Mr. Lucky affairs are definitely caused. caused & chosen aren't mutually exclusive things, in my opinion. and i never tried to justify her cheating but you cannot deny that husband's behavior pushed her in that direction. she clearly didn't want to divorce so she tried to look for another way out. is it unhealthy? it is. it is weird and out of the blue? it isn't. sometimes, the BS definitely is responsible for the problems in the marriage that eventually lead to the other spouse's infidelity. if her H actually payed attention to her - she would probably stay faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 This is all lovely, and not a SINGLE thing you just said gave her any right to cheat. sweetheart... did i say it did? i was giving you explanations & reasons - NOT justifications & excuses. i mean... there IS a difference. Not everything is black and white, but this thing? Totally is: you don't bang other folk if you love your spouse. no... it really isn't. you're being loud & wrong and this is not even debatable. but you have every right to be loud and wrong - so there is that. They are both cheaters here, do not ever forget that fact. you're forgetting the fact that HE cheated first and that it was HIS infidelity (even if she didn't know about it at the time) along with his behavior that caused the strain in their relationship & HUGE problems which she eventually decided to deal with in an unhealthy way (by cheating). you're acting as if his & hers infidelities are the same because they're... well, infidelities & you are (once again) wrong. and let me remind you that "cheating" also includes neglecting your spouse and not taking any care of them, not paying any attention to their needs - CHEATING doesn't necessarily include a 3rd person. Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 affairs are definitely caused. caused & chosen aren't mutually exclusive things, in my opinion. and i never tried to justify her cheating but you cannot deny that husband's behavior pushed her in that direction. she clearly didn't want to divorce so she tried to look for another way out. is it unhealthy? it is. it is weird and out of the blue? it isn't. sometimes, the BS definitely is responsible for the problems in the marriage that eventually lead to the other spouse's infidelity. if her H actually payed attention to her - she would probably stay faithful. Ofcourse this is expected explanationfrom a WS in a continuing affair. Won't even bother replying to this. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Ofcourse this is expected explanationfrom a WS in a continuing affair. Won't even bother replying to this. Well in regard to your situation, I don't blame your ex-girlfriend. You emotionally abused her. Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Well in regard to your situation, I don't blame your ex-girlfriend. You emotionally abused her. Apologies to OP for threadjack, Looks like you are a man/woman of low blows. But I won't give you the please of a reaction from me. You will only say the opposite things to irk me. And I am not that stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 if her H actually payed attention to her - she would probably stay faithful. Do you think her fiancee paid attention to her? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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