What do you do when your ex won't talk to you?

[onetwothreefourfive]

I broke up with her in mid-January, but shortly after doubted the decision because it became clear that the reason for the breakup might have been based on a breakdown in communication more than anything else.

 

I then proceeded to make every mistake in the book in trying to reconcile with her. She initially said she would talk to me ("Not right now, but later") and after a couple of days I showed up at her place begging for her to come out for 15 minutes to talk it out. She didn't.

 

Then I sent a couple of super-long texts, and left an overly apologetic voicemail. Two weeks later, she called, and though we were smiling and laughing at the start of the call, we both became defensive and argumentative and the call ended on sort of a "whatever" kind of vibe.

 

We exchanged a couple of texts later that day, and then she blocked me from a couple of social networks.

 

And that's the last I've heard from her.

 

I then got a couple of online breakup systems which both advocated for a month of no contact while improving oneself, etc., which I did, and then after a month, I sent a text saying something like, "Hey, I just had dinner at [restaurant] and they have [a certain beverage that sounds like her name]. Reminded me of you. Hope you're doing well!"

 

No response.

 

Tried a similar style of text a week later. No response.

And again a week later. No response.

 

I asked some female friends what they thought of this and they thought she might either A) still be angry about being broken up with (she had never been broken up with before) or B) she's made a decision to not respond because either she or her friends or family have convinced her that's what she should do or C) she's worried that if she responds, she'll quickly be pulled back into the relationship.

 

She is quite stubborn, so if she did make up her mind to do or not do something, that's going to be hard to change.

 

And that's why I'm reaching out to this community and you reading this.

 

After waiting two more weeks, I sent her a short handwritten letter in the mail that accepted responsibility for the breakup, shortly apologized for some of my behavior, mentioned a couple of interesting things that have happened in my life since, hinted at a couple of exciting things coming up, and suggested meeting for tea one afternoon.

 

My goal at this point is not to get back into a relationship with her as fast as possible. My goal is more realistic, but seemingly just as difficult. I'd simply like to get a response from her, and then slowly open up a line of communication.

 

My current plan is to wait until two weeks have passed since sending the handwritten letter, and then try a short text like the ones I mentioned above. If a couple of those don't get a response, then I'm not sure what to do but try another month of no contact.

 

Some additional information: I have some things of hers that I should return to her at some point. Her brother and his girlfriend are mutual friends of mine, though not as close as they are to her (obviously). We were planning to move in together up until the day of the breakup. She has said that she feels that we are soulmates, and after the breakup she didn't change her mind about this—she just said that sometimes soulmates aren't together forever.

 

Finally, I realize that moving on is the default option, and I'm open to that and honestly I'm drifting in that direction anyway, but right now I'm looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation and have successfully reinitiated contact with an ex who initially shut them out.

 

Thanks for your help!

[na49]

Just because you are being shut out doesn't mean she will never talk to you again. If she doesn't ever talk to you again, then you should know where you stand. If/when she reaches out to you, then you make your next move.

 

Right now you don't have a choice but to continue on with your life. If you have any hope of being with her again, you need to stop chasing her. Also sending another letter is a terrible idea.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, it's time to get to Six.

Stop trying to get in touch, you already know it's not an easy fix.

You've already done all the things that you aren't supposed to after a break,

Try something new..., move on, and be happy with changing your fate.

[d0nnivain]

You broke your relationship. She stopped talking to you because she doesn't want to hear from you. You hurt her. She no longer trusts you. Leave her alone.

[AIJ]

Just let it go buddy. Those guides are nothing but a scam that rely on feeding off of people's insecurities and weaknesses after a break up. No contact isn't meant to bring them back. You ****ed up, you destroyed the trust between the two of you, and now she doesn't want anything to do with you. Draw a line under this one, learn from it, and make sure you don't make the same mistake again with the next girl.

[dyna85]

I couldn't read your entire post OP b/c it's too much.

I think your ex might be feeling the same: too much.

No response + no response + no response means = leggooooooo (ie. let it go)

Take some time to focus on yourself because you can't force someone to respond and you're overdoing it.

 

I know it sucks but for real, you need to not be the person who can't take a hint.

 

We're trying to help you.

 

Let go and let it be.

[Cinnamonstix]

Well the advice that is always given to the dumpee is to completely ignore the dumper until they have clearly communicated in your own words that you made a mistake and want her back. It doesn't sound like you have actually said that.

[TunaCat]

Holy moly, OP. Leave this poor girl ALONE!

 

You're pressuring the girl and she's sending you very strong signals to leave her alone.

 

Stop calling, texting, mailing her letters. Everything.

[Simon Phoenix]

You could probably write a book about how not to conduct yourself in a breakup, because everything you did and are planning to do is cringeworthy. Where to begin:

 

1. If you are a dumper, you need to leave the dumpee alone UNLESS you tell the dumpee you've made a mistake and you want her back AS IS. All you are doing is giving her stupid breadcrumbs that thankfully she has stayed away from. Stop being a manipulative tool. If you want her back, tell her exactly that. If you don't, stop sending these stupid messages.

 

2. You don't get to dictate the terms of reconciliation. You were the dumper -- it's up to you to do what the dumpee wants as far as the pace of the reconciliation BECAUSE YOU BROKE THE RELATIONSHIP. This whole "I want to take her back slowly and on my terms" thing you have going is a bunch of crap.

 

3. After repeated attempts, take a damn hint -- SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU! You are trying to trick and manipulate her into giving you what you want. She likely thinks you're the biggest toolbag on earth for doing this -- you dump her, then you start playing these contact games? Don't you see how disrespectful you are being. Let her recover and move forward -- stop trying to interject.

 

You have two real options: 1) Stop all contact immediately and for good and stop planning contact strategies or 2) Try one more time but to BE REAL and say that you want her back. To do this, you must be willing to take her back as is and must not try to dictate the pace and conditions of a reconciliation. If you are not willing to do that, do No. 1 and LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!

[dvx]

You could probably write a book about how not to conduct yourself in a breakup, because everything you did and are planning to do is cringeworthy. Where to begin:

 

1. If you are a dumper, you need to leave the dumpee alone UNLESS you tell the dumpee you've made a mistake and you want her back AS IS. All you are doing is giving her stupid breadcrumbs that thankfully she has stayed away from. Stop being a manipulative tool. If you want her back, tell her exactly that. If you don't, stop sending these stupid messages.

 

2. You don't get to dictate the terms of reconciliation. You were the dumper -- it's up to you to do what the dumpee wants as far as the pace of the reconciliation BECAUSE YOU BROKE THE RELATIONSHIP. This whole "I want to take her back slowly and on my terms" thing you have going is a bunch of crap.

 

3. After repeated attempts, take a damn hint -- SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU! You are trying to trick and manipulate her into giving you what you want. She likely thinks you're the biggest toolbag on earth for doing this -- you dump her, then you start playing these contact games? Don't you see how disrespectful you are being. Let her recover and move forward -- stop trying to interject.

 

You have two real options: 1) Stop all contact immediately and for good and stop planning contact strategies or 2) Try one more time but to BE REAL and say that you want her back. To do this, you must be willing to take her back as is and must not try to dictate the pace and conditions of a reconciliation. If you are not willing to do that, do No. 1 and LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE!

Random question, but what if he was the dumpee and did these things, wanting to get her back?

 

I've read those "online tutorials" he is explaining, but they're "designed" for the dumpee. Hence my question.

[Simon Phoenix]

Random question, but what if he was the dumpee and did these things, wanting to get her back?

 

I've read those "online tutorials" he is explaining, but they're "designed" for the dumpee. Hence my question.

 

Then he'd just look pathetic to the dumper at best, a stalker at worst. It'd still be cringeworthy, but in a different way.

[NopeNah]

I don't talk to them...or even try to..what's the point?

[TashaTudor]

This happens so often. Dumper wants to talk to dumpee after the dumping!

 

If you're gonna dump someone, have enough respect for them and leave them alone.

 

If you want to move on, then do so! Don't look back.