Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 "so what made you finally stop loving him?" "He set concert tickets he bought me for my birthday on my front porch" Link to post Share on other sites
dvx Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm still waiting on an answer. How would contacting her benefit either of us? There is no "answers". You do what you think is good, if you wanna reply do it, if don't then don't. People here are just giving you advice from their own experiences. Either you take it or leave it. Stop looking for answers, there aren't any. If there were answers, none of us would be here now. Man if you spend some more time around here you will read stuff like "wife left me after 30 years of marriage". There are no answers. You either do the NC for yourself, not for us, or don't do it. You came here for advice, take it when it's giving to you, stop questioning it. Here is what you do. 2 months of complete silence, if she doesn't reach out, you move on. That's what I'm doing. But like I said, what YOU do, is up to YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) And you saying "its over" is ridiculous. What are you talking about? You already gave the concert tickets. That act is over, so I have no idea what part of what I said made you angry. Stop being weird and combative. Edited April 7, 2015 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 I am being the opposite of "weird and combative". I was asking you why I should take your advice and contact her. Please answer that. I want to know why you would advise me to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
marcelo.santos Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 NC day one Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm not looking for the "right" answer... I'm looking for your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Riptide91 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I usually agree with most of the posters on here because time and again they have proved their knowledge and expertise. Here, unfortunately, I have to disagree. Who gives a flying **** if it's playing games? She left him, if leaving some stupid a tickets he bought for her, that she obviously knew about, is playing games then it is what it is. He felt better after he left them, to say he's not an adult who deserves a relationship because he gave her back what was technically hers (for the record I would of dropped any of her other stuff off too) is a little silly. Was he suppose to wait around for her and get into a convo about how he bought them for her cuz he knows how much she loves Secondhand Serenade, blah blah blah? Or maybe he should of text her back so she could tell him how much it meant he bought those and maybe they could go to another one as friends? I don't see the big deal here, he did what made him feel best, can't we all respect that? His situation isn't exact to any of ours. Sorry for the rant but sometimes I feel like people say the same exact thing no matter the situation and unfortunately that doesn't seem to help everyone, for those who write 30+ page threads about their misery-go-round, then sure, I'm all for it, but I don't believe that's the case here. He knew what he was doing and if the biggest thing that happened from it is she thinks he's playing games then let her think herself crazy. No offense intended to any posters, you all know I think you're great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I am being the opposite of "weird and combative". I was asking you why I should take your advice and contact her. Please answer that. I want to know why you would advise me to do this. Because it's common courtesy. You interjected into her life to give her tickets, she asked why you'd do that, so you answer. Right now it looks like you are tormenting her and playing games. After you answer the contact you initiated with the giving of the tickets is over. So then you pick back up with No Contact. But making a gesture of giving her these tickets then not saying a word when she asks why is strange behavior. You shouldn't have made the initial gesture, but you did, so you might as well be polite and complete the contact you initiated. Then leave her be and get back to recovery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm debating whether or not this forum is beneficial or has a few individuals sabotaging others relationships due to their own misery. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Riptide91 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Because it's common courtesy. You interjected into her life to give her tickets, she asked why you'd do that, so you answer. Right now it looks like you are tormenting her and playing games. After you answer the contact you initiated with the giving of the tickets is over. So then you pick back up with No Contact. But making a gesture of giving her these tickets then not saying a word when she asks why is strange behavior. You shouldn't have made the initial gesture, but you did, so you might as well be polite and complete the contact you initiated. Then leave her be and get back to recovery. I'm not saying you're wrong, but most people who get left usually don't think about being polite to their ex for quite a while, am I right? I guess it's all about being the bigger person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 Have you ever thought weird behavior might be beneficial? I'm acting different... Made a gesture. As for common courtesy... There is no common courtesy in NC. Its about recovery... Not your exs feelings. Ignoring her when she contacts me during NC isn't common courtesy.... Whether it be I gave her the tickets or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm not saying you're wrong, but most people who get left usually don't think about being polite to their ex for quite a while, am I right? I guess it's all about being the bigger person. I get that. But he went from giving these tickets away because it was a "polite" -- or at least a relative of polite -- thing to do to stonewalling when she asked him about it. It just seems rather erratic. If you're going to make this gesture, see it through. If you don't want to be polite, just stay completely away from her. I have no problem with him not feeling polite. It just seems like he's all over the map right now and then lashing out when that's pointed out. Be polite, don't be polite, whatever, but it's just odd for him to make an act that could be construed as selfless but then go silent when she asked him why. Link to post Share on other sites
dvx Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I usually agree with most of the posters on here because time and again they have proved their knowledge and expertise. Here, unfortunately, I have to disagree. Who gives a flying **** if it's playing games? She left him, if leaving some stupid a tickets he bought for her, that she obviously knew about, is playing games then it is what it is. He felt better after he left them, to say he's not an adult who deserves a relationship because he gave her back what was technically hers (for the record I would of dropped any of her other stuff off too) is a little silly. Was he suppose to wait around for her and get into a convo about how he bought them for her cuz he knows how much she loves Secondhand Serenade, blah blah blah? Or maybe he should of text her back so she could tell him how much it meant he bought those and maybe they could go to another one as friends? I don't see the big deal here, he did what made him feel best, can't we all respect that? His situation isn't exact to any of ours. Sorry for the rant but sometimes I feel like people say the same exact thing no matter the situation and unfortunately that doesn't seem to help everyone, for those who write 30+ page threads about their misery-go-round, then sure, I'm all for it, but I don't believe that's the case here. He knew what he was doing and if the biggest thing that happened from it is she thinks he's playing games then let her think herself crazy. No offense intended to any posters, you all know I think you're great. No one said he doesn't deserve a relationship. People give him advice, he choose not follow it. I don't blame him though, i was in the exact same position. I did the same mistakes, instead of tickets, i did something even worse, i sent flowers after 1 week of NC. Then i came to this forum and I'm glad i did because after that i realized i made a huge mistake and quickly jumped into the NC ride. I can't imagine what more damage i would of done if i didn't came here. I would probably be by her front door begging still today. I didn't like all the advice i was given here, but i took it and realized, people said it to help me, not to mess it up even further for me. Only I can mess it up. No one on a forum can mess it up more for me. Forget about the ticket thing. It's done. Stop looking backwards and start looking forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 I've been looking forward this whole time and you're right... It was selfless. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Have you ever thought weird behavior might be beneficial? I'm acting different... Made a gesture. As for common courtesy... There is no common courtesy in NC. Its about recovery... Not your exs feelings. Ignoring her when she contacts me during NC isn't common courtesy.... Whether it be I gave her the tickets or not. You aren't in No Contact -- you made contact when you left the tickets. That is contact. If you were actually in No Contact I'd agree with you. I'm glad you want to go No Contact -- I was hoping you would have stuck with it instead of doing this gesture -- but I guess I don't understand the logic of doing this gesture then stonewalling and ignoring when she acknowledged it. If you are hoping that by being "different" that it will prompt her to think about you, wonder about you and eventually come back to you I don't think that's a very high-percentage play. She's much more likely to think you're a flake. If you truly didn't care what she thought that'd be fine, but one of the main reasons you made this gesture was because you cared about what she thought about you. You wanted to show her that you weren't mad at her and that you didn't hate her. Then you acted in a way that suggested that you were still upset. I guess I just don't understand the point of the gesture in the first place after your non-response to her response. Either way, you seem committed to this, so if you don't want to respond, no one is going to force you to. I would just suggest not doing a similar gesture again and staying No Contact for real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 I have no reason to send any other gesture her way. Link to post Share on other sites
dvx Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm not saying you're wrong, but most people who get left usually don't think about being polite to their ex for quite a while, am I right? I guess it's all about being the bigger person. I think Simon means, if he was polite enough to give her tickets that she doesn't even deserve, he should be polite enough and answer why he gave them. Me personally I would use these tickets as an excuse for her to feel guilty and realize she has lost him. I would reply something like " Hey these tickets were the only thing left that reminded me of you so here you go, Have a nice life, thanks bye". That reply would give her hundreds of mixed thoughts and it might even question her decision of breaking up in time. So it all comes down to personal opinions. Some would reply like I would, some would reply like Simon said, some would not even reply. There is no right or wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 Now that's a game... And a reason for her to think youre an arrogant bitter annoyance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 But to each their own. Who cares. I'm glad this conversation is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Now that's a game... And a reason for her to think youre an arrogant bitter annoyance. I'll agree with you on that. What dvx would have wanted to do is worse than what you did. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm with Riptide91, if it gets the urge out of your system so you can move on, then it wasn't all bad. I think it maybe wasn't the best idea for your sake, because what any sort of contact like this does is just get you all anxious and worked up about them possibly responding, which is hell. Even if you didn't do it to elicit a response out of her (and FWIW, I believe you didn't) being all on edge maaaaaybe expecting to hear from the ex sets you back. However, I waited until I was about a month and a half into my NC to send my exs stuff back, and it was tough because I had all that time behind me, and it messed with me for a few days. So if you're going to do it, do it early and move on. And really, congratulations on 6 days of NC. Or sort of NC. I think the reason behind this sort of "contact" is what counts as breaking it or not. If you did it to just give her the tickets, then it doesn't count to me. Same with me, I didn't consider mailing my exs stuff to him as breaking NC because I didn't do it to elicit a response. Quite the opposite actually, I did it so I wouldn't be tempted to call or message about the damn things. Just move forward and keep ignoring her. Maybe this could be looked at as one stage in untying the ties that bind. You had the tickets and they were originally for her so now you have passed them on as planned and that is one tie less. I feel NC is unnatural. I understand the purpose of it and at some point it becomes the only way, but maybe there is a stage beforehand where ritual things are important in reducing the need to contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Riptide91 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 What I would be more interested to here about is how you're feeling today and your plan to move on and heal? Dont lose faith in these forums, it does help to get everything out even if you don't like some advice or some posters don't read into your story well enough. We've all been there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 J, you seem to be all over the map with your responses and with your motives. We are giving you advice based on what we are given to work with. You seem strangely combative to anyone who gives you advice you do not want to hear. We are here to help you. If you do not want our advice then do not post any more questions. You can do whatever you want clearly, but I have done far worse to my ex than giving him concert tickets. And I cringe at who I was post breakup. You have us to help you not have those cringe worthy moments. If you are this cocky post breakup you were probably unbearable during the actual RS. Just some food for though. As to riptides reply, I would say that a lot of people do give the same advice to a lot of situations. Because the essence is the same, even if the details have changed. Human nature is also the same. So whether it's giving the ex concert tickets or flowers or sex or whatever other item that people post about the thoughts are usually the same behind it. Most of us loveshackers are in the business of coping and preserving others hearts. That is why I am here. I had my heart repeatedly ripped apart and the advice on this website that was given to other situations is how I got through it. My 2c/ 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm feeling the void... And I'm kinda numb today. Just zombeing along. About to go have dinner with some friends in an hour. I'm doing okay all in all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author j_mysterio Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 My organs dont feel like theyre screaming and burning alive today. That's all I can ask for. Thank you for asking. Link to post Share on other sites
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