Not sure if husband is attracted to me any longer...

[heavenly]

When I met my husband we were seniors in high school. We fell in love and were married 2 years after our first date.

 

I've never been a thin person. I was about 20 pounds overweight when we met; after we got married I packed on another 20 or 30 pounds. Then I got pregnant. After having our first daughter I went on Weight Watchers and lost just under 40 pounds and was at my lowest weight in more than 3 years. Then I got pregnant again last year and am currently on WW again and working very hard to lose that baby weight.

 

I am by no means a nymphomaniac; if I have the energy to make love to my husband twice a week that's an accomplishment (hey, chasing around 2 kids can really drain you!). About once every two or three weeks I will approach him about having some fun (wink wink:o). 9 times out of 10 I will hear

I'm tired

I'm sore (from work)

I'm full (from eating)

You yelled at me earlier (believe it or not, he's older than me LOL)

I'm busy (chatting online, talking on the phone, playing video games)

 

If I only heard these occasionally or even every other time it wouldn't bother me so much. But he constantly turns me down for sex, and it's made me start wondering if there is something wrong with me, or if he's even still attracted to me. The excuses (as I call them) bleed over into other areas of our marriage - sometimes I'll just want to talk with him (he works 2nd shift and we don't see each other much during the week), watch a movie with him, whatever...and I'll usually get one of the above responses.

 

The other thing that gets me is that when he's in the mood we're supposed to do it right here, right now - even if I'm tired, sore, full, etc etc. It's like he only wants to have sex when he wants it.

 

I've tried numerous times to talk to him about this and he promises to make more of an effort but then doesn't do anything. He blames work and says I should come to him on the weekends - so I do, and I still hear the same damn excuses most of the time.

 

I love him, and I know he loves me but I just don't know what else to do. This has eroded my self-esteem and made me feel so unattractive, even though I'm working so hard to lose the weight that needs to be lost.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? Can you shed some light? Any input is most appreciated.

 

Thanks!

[miggsbucks]

you sound like a normal married couple!!

[ollydolly]

Not into porn is he?

[Merin]

Ever asked him straight up if the extra weight is whats making his interest low?

 

While I can agree that marriage, kids, jobs etc... can and does lead a lot of couples into a rut... I also think it would be a huge diservice to yourself and your husband to decide that all couples are like this.. so f'ck it.. know what I mean?

 

Sit his butt down and tell him how you're feeling... that you want to know whats up and how the 2 of you can find solutions here so you're both happy.

 

Good Luck

[yuv]

Different circumstances, but these links might make some good reading for you.

There is some good advice in each thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59958/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60171/

[Sunkissed]

I agree, sit his a** down and demand him to listen to how your feeling. Thats not fair what his doing to you, he should be lucky to have you, fight for yourself girl!

[heavenly]

ollydolly:

Not really; it's probably been about a year since he looked at it (at least that I'm aware of; although he hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise)

 

Merin:

Yes, I've come right out and asked him if it's my weight, or the fact that he was in the delivery room when our girls were born (and saw it all), and he says that he loves me no matter what weight I am, and if I decided to stay where I'm at now that would be fine with him.

 

(I feel sorta bad complaining about the lack of intimacy when he says stuff like that, because it is pretty out of character for him to be that open/sweet, but....)

 

He also said that it isn't the girls' births.

 

I've gone over all this stuff with him several times, and even went so far as to ask him straight out if he is still sexually attracted to me, to which he said yes. I told him I need him to show me sometimes, which is when the cycle starts - he says he'll make an effort, and will for a few days, and then we're right back where we started .

[Donut]

It sounds like you're both depressed and in a rut.

 

Have you approached the subject of counselling to help you both? Both of you would need to put effort into it tho.

 

Maybe you should consider going to individual counselling for yourself if he won't agree, just to get clarity for yourself and some self esteem back.

[ollydolly]

I think counselling is a great idea - in fact I don't know how you could cope with this on your own for so long!

 

My lover and I are in counselling mainly due to intimacy issues (ours are pretty complicated) and when a couple deals with this area of themselves - sex - they are dealing with the most deep and sensitive aspects of the soul. It's great, scary, vulnerable, challenging and wonderful all at the same time. When we get to that raw core - there we find our naked self and our partner's. Great and loving sex comes from that place. Only the strong go there. It takes guts. It's worth it - go!

[Cecelius]

I'll go out on a limb having been married to a very good woman who ended up putting a lot of weight on very early related to pregnancy.

 

1) Both of you are probably still adjusting to being parents (dunno how long they've been around). I recall not really being that enthusiastic about marital duties after being at the hospital. Even later, the idea of being that old and married tended to keep me from caring about it. This one I think is a matter of time, and getting back to youthful carefree days.

 

2) Weight issues are the third rail for a man. I really did love her (in a caring, wholly non-erotic, mostly sisterly way) no matter how much she gained, but that's because I assumed she'd take it off. Whether it is the issue for him or not, if he's smart he will NEVER, EVER say anything about it. He's just hoping you suddently turn into an exercise fanatic, but at the moment it's not worth it for him to make an issue of it. His view is that you're together for the long haul, so why hurt your feelings about it (assuming it gets taken care of).

 

3) Lastly, if he's like some husbands, he might have put on some weight too. He's probably not going to feel to good about getting it on till he feels a little more confident (dunno if that's an issue here)

[FolderWife]

Well, I've recently lost all of my sex drive, because my husband is so lazy in the bedroom...it's all about him.

 

Lately, he's been doing better, but the sex isn't as frequent.

 

The night before last, I wanted some. Hubby was in a bad mood, so I didn't approach him. Then last night, I wanted it again. This time, I approached hubby when we went to bed.

 

I rubbed him to make him hard. I went down on him. He just laid there and made moaning sounds. I got on top of him. He just laid there and made moaning sounds. I got annoyed, and grabbed a dildo and stuck one end in me, and the other in his hand, and went down on him until he came.

 

Then I went to the bathroom and finished myself.

 

Why did I bother? Why did I go through all the trouble of getting him aroused, when it did me no good, and I had to finish him.

 

I'd have done better with a porno!

 

So next time I'm horny, I'll probably just skip the getting him hard, going down on him, getting on top of him, then going down on him again, then masterbating to get off, and just go straight to masterbating.

 

Maybe this is how your husband feels? I've lost all desire to have sex, because it's all about working to get him off, and I'm left to fend for myself in the end any way. Are you greedy in bed?

[heavenly]

@Cecelius

1) Both of you are probably still adjusting to being parents (dunno how long they've been around). I recall not really being that enthusiastic about marital duties after being at the hospital. Even later, the idea of being that old and married tended to keep me from caring about it. This one I think is a matter of time, and getting back to youthful carefree days.

Yes, this did occur to me. Our children our 2 years and 4 months. Hell, I'm still adjusting to being a parent, and I stay at home with the kids! However, this was somewhat of an issue before we had children.

 

2) Weight issues are the third rail for a man. I really did love her (in a caring, wholly non-erotic, mostly sisterly way) no matter how much she gained, but that's because I assumed she'd take it off. Whether it is the issue for him or not, if he's smart he will NEVER, EVER say anything about it. He's just hoping you suddently turn into an exercise fanatic, but at the moment it's not worth it for him to make an issue of it. His view is that you're together for the long haul, so why hurt your feelings about it (assuming it gets taken care of).

You're right, he doesn't say much about it. He's never made me feel that he will love me/desire me less because of my weight; I know that most of my insecurities about it are from me, if that makes sense.

 

3) Lastly, if he's like some husbands, he might have put on some weight too. He's probably not going to feel to good about getting it on till he feels a little more confident (dunno if that's an issue here)

Well, you're right, he's put on about 40 pounds since we got married. I did comment that we should work out together so we can both get in shape, but he told me that he doesn't feel that he needs to lose weight right now, so I don't push it.

 

@Monday

I don't think I'm greedy in bed. In fact, I prefer to satisfy him first and then have him take care of me. Otherwise I am not as into it.

[seashelly]

I can relate somewhat.. My problem is that my husband has gained about 20 pounds.. at least this is what HE says.. I think he looks great.. To me it doesn't matter at all.. the last two times we've had sex.. has been when he has woke me up in the middle of the night.. my back to him.. lights out.. I guess so I can't see him.. I'm always telling him how beautiful I think he is and that he's so totally sexy... I don't know wheather he believes me.. but, he puts me off too.. every time I initiate.. he refuses me.. I have told him, that I can't handle the rejection.. he avoids the subject.. or makes jokes about it or something else.. I find that very unnerving..

 

Did I mention.. the last two times.. have been in monthly intervals???!?!? I think the last time.. we actually made LOVE.. so to speak... was in January.. that is WAY to long.. granted.. we are both very busy.. but we have time to sit down and chat everynight.. we used to take bubble baths together.. we'd give each other massages and stuff.. now.. I feel that HE isn't interested in me.. and when I bring that to his attention.. he says that he didn't realize he was putting me off.. how can he not know that?? But,.. like you.. when he does want to.. it's oh, come on sweety..

 

we've only been married 6 months lived together for two before that.. the first five months were unbelievable.,. It was no lie.. almost every single night.. I'm at my wits end.. I've tried everything I know to do.. aside from begging.. which I told him I wouldn't do.. I know that passion can have a tendency to lack when other things are going on.. but, going from steady almost daily.... to once a month.. in the dark.. with no passion is rediculious. That seems to be the only problem we have.. He still hugs me and makes intimate gesture.. grabbing and touching.. but, as far as going farther.. forget it..

 

So.. don't feel that you are alone.. and no.. I don't think it's the weight gain.. like I said.. my husband is totally sexy.. at least in my eyes.. so, I think that your husband proabably feels the same way about you

[jnel921]

I've done everything too. We've only been married a year and have 3 kids between us that live with us. My husband works second shift also. He is a cop and I get to sleep with him on a regular night when he has his RDO's which is every 5 days. He gets 2 days off then 3 days. I am lucky if he decides to give me anything on at least one of those days.

 

I have talked to him about how I feel about this situation. He has agreed to try and give me at least oral sex if he is not in the mood. So far he has kept his word. But I still get a hard time for actual passion. It is very frustrating and I know its not me physically. I've gained some weight and have taken it down...but that isnt the issue. The problem is him and his mindset.

 

He already knows that this will be my grounds for divorce...So however he handles it moving forward will be on him. He can't say I didnt approach him and discuss it. A woman has needs...Even if it a few times a week. The rejection does spill into many other things in our lives. I really don't want to do things for him like prepare a meal or go with him places. It's like he doesn't deswerve my company or any other favors from me. So I can sympathize with you on that.

 

I really hope he listens to you and realizes that he can't be the only person who controls that part of your marriage. Sex is really important.