My husband is having an emotional affair but doesn't think so

[minimariah]

in my honest opinion... you shouldn't have contacted her (responded) - she is irrelevant in this entire story. their relationship IS inappropriate - you know it, she knows and he knows it (hence him deleting the messages earlier).

 

NEVER put yourself in the position where another woman lectures you on YOUR marriage, relationship & YOUR husband's needs. never put yourself in the position where you're openly vulnerable and show your personal problems to someone who doesn't even know you.

 

she is not the one you should be dealing with - it's him. you really have no business contacting this other woman, you should be communicating with HIM.

 

you have 2 choices. communicate & find some kind of mutual agreement on the issue and see what happens and develops from there. IF you BOTH decide that he'll end his communication with her (it needs to be mutual and he needs to be able to understand just WHY it's necessary) - you need to repair the intimacy & closeness with your H because he'll end up finding another friend he'll text 24/7. so find the problem & work on it (MC).

 

if you don't trust him and if he continues to ignore your wishes, separate. i mean, what's the point really? if he thinks you're unreasonable, he should be doing EVERYTHING in his power to show you how wrong you are about this friendship - when in reality, he keeps texting her and pouts at you like a child when a mother takes his favourite toy away.

 

you have major communication problems in your marriage - you're both talking but neither one of you hears what the other is saying.

 

your husband is infuriating, honestly. he made you seem like some jealous W that bans the poor husband from having any friends in front of this other woman. YOUR needs should be his #1 priority and his "space" should never be the reason of your anxiety & stress. too bad he doesn't get that.

Edited April 8, 2015 by minimariah

[Cinnimon]

XOW here. Sorry but after reading your convo with her, watch them. She's lecturing you on how you treat your husband? Uh uh, he's been talking to her about your marriage. BAD SIGN. They will hide it. It will continue underground. There are many ways to do it. I'm sorry, I had to speak up. I hope im wrong.

[pteromom]

That her boyfriend felt he needed to send you the texts showed you that HE found it inappropriate too.

 

There's a friend, and then there's an obsession. If she was a friend, he may have a few texts an evening with her, or send her something funny once in a while.

 

But THOUSANDS of texts? That's not right. He is putting a lot of energy into this friendship - energy he needs to be putting into your marriage.

 

I have a bad feeling after reading her comments to you. One, the comment: If I wanted your husband or wanted to keep lies it would have been done already... she is already making it a competition. And that comment makes me wonder if he hasn't been pursuing her.Also I agree he has been "venting" to her about YOU and your marriage... she says as much in her comments to you. That is very inappropriate. If he needs someone to vent to, it can be a male friend.

 

The level of defensiveness he has about this gives me pause too. He SAYS he's willing to work on the marriage, but he's not willing to back that up with any changes in his behavior.

 

All in all, I have a bad feeling that there is more to this than you are aware of. Whether or not it is a PA, I don't know. But there is more to this story.

[minimariah]

XOW here. Sorry but after reading your convo with her, watch them. She's lecturing you on how you treat your husband? Uh uh, he's been talking to her about your marriage. BAD SIGN. They will hide it. It will continue underground. There are many ways to do it. I'm sorry, I had to speak up. I hope im wrong.

 

^^^ agreed.

 

& if the affair turns physical (if it already isn't) - they'll blame & rationalize it with the jealous W who banned the poor husband from having any friends.

 

it's super disrespectful that he went to talk about their marriage & personal problems, friend or not. you just keep some stuff to yourself.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

This woman contacted you, but her communication was rude from the onset. Calling you jealous was absolutely unecessary. I would have been tempted to send that message to her BF, but more importantly you should have shown it to your H, because he has clearly told her that you are jealous. That's on him and it wouldn't impress me if I was you.

 

I think the two of you should get into marriage counselling, as he has issues he discusses with this woman about your marriage. He needs to let you know what the issues are and also to hear from a professional, that the volume of texting was inappropriate.

 

Have you asked your H how he would feel if you texted another man to this degree? Sit him down when you have no distractions and try as calmly as you can to get through to him. Tell him that as this woman indicated he vents to her, you want to understand what that's all about hence the MC. If he doesn't want MC, then you both need to commit to discussing these issues in order to strengthen your marriage.

[DbleBetrayal]

Whoa this OW has some balls eh. Saying if she "wanted your husband she would have had him already"!? WOW. Should probably ask your husband what she means by that. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to this woman because she doesn't care really and she's probably getting off on it too. And than she says "he needs someone to vent to"... ahhh what exactly is he 'venting' about? You should be the one he vents to.

 

He is also discussing all of this with her? They are way too close. He is clearly using the old gas-lighting tactics on you. One minute he says he talks to this woman because he 'doesn't feel you are connected and aren't spending enough time together' the next he says you're 'suffocating him and needs space'. Talk about mind games!

 

I'd keep quiet for a little bit- wait and watch if there's something off about his personality or if you just get that gut feeling. Or else if you keep at it for now, like someone said- he will take it underground, if he hasn't done so already.

[truncated]

I know it might be upsetting to hear, but I wouldn't trust either one of them.

 

The ow was quite rude. She has zero business lecturing you on your marriage, and trying to put all of this onto you by saying she's not going to text with your husband anymore because it makes you jealous? Sounds like she's the one who is jealous. She also knows it was crossing a line, hence the reason she was so defensive and snide. If she truly was just a friend, she would feel bad that she was hurting his marriage and step back, not lash out at you.

 

As for your husband, he is full of you know what. He is twisting this around to try and make you feel bad. he's trying to make you feel like this is all in your head and you are keeping him from making friends. He's acting inappropriately, then trying to shift the blame on to you. You set what you consider to be boundaries for what you will and will not accept from him in terms of behavior, and he keeps crossing that boundary and then blaming you for it.

[starglider]

Yikes about OW's sense of entitlement and her rudeness to you.

 

In the end, I think the EA is an addiction for your H and it is about his lack of self-esteem. These are two problems he will have to face on his own. You cannot provide him with self-esteem, and he mistakenly thinks he is filling this void with her. A sense of self-worth has to come from himself.

 

I think he needs to do IC to face what is going on in his life. I don't know if that is something he will realize on his own.

 

Have you considered doing a 180 on him?

[the_artist_1970]

these sort of things do not normally stand the light of day. how about inviting over her and her BF for dinner. get to know them....as a couple, and maybe this fascination for texting can be diverted to something more "normal"

 

Please don't do this. This is a disaster waiting to happen. If you do this, then your DH and the OW will have an excuse to be around each other more and pretend that they are friends while acting inappropriately behind your back. You need to make your DH set clear boundaries with this woman. Thousands of texts are not necessary for any friend. They are in an EA and you need to make him go cold turkey with his "fix" or kick him out of your life. The more time he is investing in her will rob your M of what the two of you have. There is no room for a third party in a solid M. You and your DH need to sit down and have a heart to heart about what is lacking in your M and then fill in the gaps by being the love of each other's life and please get this woman out of your lives.

[goodyblue]

I was OW. I just want to quietly tell you that my guy and I were friends for 17 years, then the texting started... thousands in a month. We went on doing that for nine months before our affair went physical. Then he left his wife. I will admit that their marriage was pretty awful, but it just sounds so close to your situation...

 

After that, we dated for a year and a half before moving in together and have been a couple for some years now.

 

It concerns me that you said you needed to reconnect because it implies that things were stale in your relationship.

 

Please be careful here... it feels like they are taking it underground. My guy and I used burner phones so there was no trace on the bill, had private emails. It is easy to hide an affair these days.

 

The other thing that scares me is her feeling that she can school you on your own marriage. She feels she knows a lot about it, he is talking about you to her and that is a gigantic red flag. Clearly the things he is telling her are not good.

 

I am sorry, I hope I am wrong. Get into MC.

Edited April 9, 2015 by goodyblue

[adna89]

Never accept her in your lives,she has showed a lot now with her mail to you.She is plain rude,,she literally told you she could have your husband "if she wanted it"(something you should tell your husband)

 

Now after this i would take it to an other level..i would get mad at my husband and i would not be able to be calm.I would also tell the other woman its not her thing to contact you or to lecture you on your marriage,and to mind her own business

[Cinnimon]

I am going to terminate Jonathan and I relationship since it's causing you jealousy and insecurities. I hooe this helps with any hardships you two have been having and hope this makes you happy.

 

I responded:Thank you. I think that's best until we can all either get to know each other so there are no more secrets or lies or until all four of us can sit down and define normal boundaries for friendships so everyone is on the same page. I appreciate you supporting our marriage this way and truly wish your relationship with my husband didn't start and continue on secrets(which is on him not you). Please just try to see things through my eyes and again thank you for allowing me to start building trust with my husband again. He is the person I want to spend my life with and raise our children and grandchildren together with and right now we need to find a way to open back up with each other and develop honest and open communication.

 

Then she said: There were never secret or lies. If I wanted your husband or wanted to keep lies it would have been done already. We were just friends who were able to relate and talk. And we aren't children, there are no reasons for us to sit down and set boundaries when we are adults and know the difference between right and wrong. And for whatever reasons he is hiding secrets, I am sorry but he shouldnt have nothing to hide. I am just doing this for him because he will be the one stressed since you don't like our friendship. The more you try to control a man, the more he will push away. I understand you want to spend the Rest of your life with him, but there has to be some space and wether it's mine or anoth friendship, he needs friends to vent to.

Things that JUMP out to me:

SHE is going to terminate the RELATIONSHIP? I thought it was Jonathan who was doing that?

Who said you were jealous and insecure? She got this from you mentioning the amount of texts to him? NO, he has painted a picture for her.

Relate and talk about what, exactly? Vent about what exactly? Mentioning a 1000 texts making you uncomfortable makes you controlling? NO, he is painting a picture for her. And NOW she is painting her own picture...

 

Him: My wife doesn't want me to have any "friends"

Her: Oh my goodness, why, you are such a nice person, thats just wrong, she's trying to control you.

Him: Really? you think I am a nice person? You are right, my wife is trying to control me.

Her: Awe, you poor thing, I would never try to control you, I understand that you are not happy at home. Feel free to tell me all about it, I can help you.

Him: Awe, you're so sweet and SO easy to talk to. You get me. Can you please stroke me some more cause it feels really good.

Her: Oh yes, I will save you, you poor neglected husband......

 

I can hear it all in my head right now.........

[oceangirl22]

"Oftentimes when somebody in a couple cheats, it’s not because they’re unhappy with their spouse or their partner. They’ve become unhappy with themselves,’. Esther Perel

 

Agree w many, never put yourself in a weaker position than the OP and contacting them to say "back off" shows your cards. Her letter spills more info than she thinks and clearly your marriage was the hot topic allowing her an inside tract to your husbands emotional and mental state of how he felt towards you. Where there is smoke there is fire.

 

Do your best detective work in private...go dark, which gives them nothing to mull over at work.

 

All the safeguards in the world won't stop someone from cheating and you can't "make" or remind them of their commitment cus they are past that mentally. You certainly can remove yourself from their triangle which saves your dignity and removes a leg that is propping up this drama.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow! You were so polite to this woman - even thanking her (twice!). I would have told her in very vivid language exactly where to go.

 

Never, ever tell someone in her position that your marriage is in trouble. Someone like her may use that as justification to keep pursuing him.

[Furious]

I was OW. I just want to quietly tell you that my guy and I were friends for 17 years, then the texting started... thousands in a month. We went on doing that for nine months before our affair went physical. Then he left his wife. I will admit that their marriage was pretty awful, but it just sounds so close to your situation...

 

After that, we dated for a year and a half before moving in together and have been a couple for some years now.

 

It concerns me that you said you needed to reconnect because it implies that things were stale in your relationship.

 

Please be careful here... it feels like they are taking it underground. My guy and I used burner phones so there was no trace on the bill, had private emails. It is easy to hide an affair these days.

 

The other thing that scares me is her feeling that she can school you on your own marriage. She feels she knows a lot about it, he is talking about you to her and that is a gigantic red flag. Clearly the things he is telling her are not good.

 

I am sorry, I hope I am wrong. Get into MC.

 

 

This^^^ is a very good example of what some people are capable of taking the cheating underground with the pretence of "friendship" that may include burner phones.

 

Often, the best advice comes from those who've been there..done that.

 

OP.

 

It's obvious your husband has painted you as a villain and that has given his friend the audacity to respond to you in a negative and condescending way.

 

In reality, the "friend" is irrelevant, (sounds like she's got a mean streak and couldn't care less about respecting you).....the real issue is your husband, he invited crazy into your life and denies it.

 

Healthy friendships are not conducted in the manner your husband and his "friend" claim is innocent.

 

Of course, now that you've spoken out and laid out your boundaries and what you cannot tolerate in respect to your marriage you've been accused of being unreasonable.

 

Unfortunately, you've shown your cards and they will take things further underground, just like Goody and the burner phones.

 

Do you have the funds to hire a PI?

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Have you shown these messages to your H?

 

Because this woman has been seriously disrespectful to you. Even if she thought you were jealous and insecure, she had no right to say it to you.

 

I would ask your H, how he would feelif he received such messages from a man who you were sending thousands of text messages to.

 

Any decent woman would have either said nothing or apologised about the upset and left it at that.

 

The woman is TROUBLE. Be on your guard and get into marriage counselling.

[beach]

When you stated to him that you didn't think it had been physical - he responded with "ok"...?!!!

 

He's slept with her and you're not seeing it yet.

 

 

Don't assume he hasn't - and why would you offer that out to him?

 

And now he's mad at YOU for saying something?

 

 

He got off easy because you're assuming - and he's had no consequences for his bad behavior. He's at the very least emotionally invested and tied to her - enough to be mad and defensive. People don't get defensive unless there's something big to defend!

 

It's a huge betrayal to you... And the OW is acting as if you are the outsider based on her text. That's not a good sign.

 

I think it's a bigger problem than you've admitted to yourself.

 

Proceed as if he's had sex with her many times.

[No Limit]

Kick your husband out already. If a taste of reality won't get him out of the affair, a divorce will be a boon to you.