Dealing with my childish mother/parents (warning, possibly long)

[starzarebrite37]

As much as I love my parents, they have been acting really childish and hateful here lately. It started about 3 weeks ago when I posted a status on Facebook. My dad went online and verbally attacked me in front of everyone. He told me that I was walking a fine line. This really upset me. But I just decided to ignore him and decided it was only to get my attention and upset me. So I did just that. This isn't the first time that he has verbally attacked me online. I got attacked one time because I was participating in the November daily posts about what you are thankful for, and I posted that I was thankful for my brother and sister in law before my grandmothers. I got attacked because they felt like I never call my grandmothers. He basically did this and made me look horrible in front of everyone. Luckily, people took my side on that one.

 

My parents think that I have to call them every single day or else they throw tantrums. Well, I have been busy here lately, and I haven't been able to call them every single day as they want to. But I never go more than a day without calling them. I call them to see how they are doing and everything. I live far away from my parents, and I haven't seen them since Christmas last year because the weather has been bad and travelling was out of the question. And also mainly, I don't want to be around them much because they are negative. They aren't so nice to my dogs, and they aren't really nice to my husband, which make me not want to be around them. For example, while I was visiting them, my dad hit my dog because she was growling at his dog because they can't get along. This really crossed the line with me. They also complain nonstop around me and fight every time I come around. So I don't want to be there.

 

I was busy this previous Sunday, which was Easter. I didn't call my parents that day. Well, I log onto Facebook later that night, and my mom posts a passive-aggressive status about how it was awful of me not to call them and wish them a Happy Easter. I messaged her and apologized. She basically pitches a fit and says that she doesn't feel like I am her daughter anymore and that I never call her and this and that. Needless to say, that's a lie because I call her mostly every day. She called again yesterday and "apologized", but verbally attacked me again, saying that she doesn't think that I care about her anymore and made me out to be the worst daughter in the world. I am still angry as hell today.

 

I am always the one that is expected to visit her, call her, and everything short of kissing her butt. My parents aren't even 60 yet, and are in good health. There is no reason for them not to visit more often than they do, which is never. They complain constantly that it costs money to come out here, yet they spend money to go on weekend getaways to the lake. It is insulting, but I can't get mad about it, or else I am the bad guy as always. I make an effort to call her every single day. I may call later than she wants me to, but I make an effort. She doesn't even try to call me. How is that supposed to make me feel that she won't make an effort. I also sent a nice Valentine's Day card to her, and yet she didn't do the same for me. But I didn't get upset and throw a huge tantrum over it. Yet, as I have said, I am the bad guy and the awful and uncaring daughter. I am beyond sick of it at this point.

 

When I do talk her, all she does is complain everything in her life. She doesn't work. My dad works a good job and brings in good money. I know that it's hard on her that her only child is living far away, but it's my life and I can't give up my husband and my life as she secretly wants me to. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything right with her. It is getting to the point that I am considering limiting contact with her because I can't handle the negativity anymore. My husband and I are trying to start a family, and the stress that she is putting on us is hurting our chances. I would like to think that I can make things work with her and maintain a decent mother/father/daughter relationship, but they are too childish to make things work. I just don't know what else to do anymore. I really haven't confronted them about their behavior, because I am afraid to hurt them. I am sick of it all, that's all I know. I love them very much and miss them. But i hate that they act this way. Ugh.

[d0nnivain]

Many other days of the years you get a pass. Not calling your parents on Easter, especially when you know they are like this --- you were wrong. You should have called. And you brought this on yourself.

 

 

Apologize.

 

 

Make sure you call on Mother's Day (& every other holiday) What you do the other days of the year is up to you.

[starzarebrite37]

I know I was wrong and I actually apologized to her. I understand that she was hurt. But to attack me was wrong.

[d0nnivain]

Attacking you was wrong. But you have to set boundaries. I think calling every other day might be the place to start but you do need to call on holidays even if you don't otherwise call at all.

[starzarebrite37]

You're right about calling on holidays. I know that I messed up. I do need to set boundaries.

[Miss Sisyphus]

You say you talk to her every day but you didn't have time to call on Easter. What do you think is the reason for that? As for the FB post, why even mention something negative about your grandmothers? It seems like you're being passive-aggressive yourself. But maybe it's justified? It sounds like she's trying to control you and this is the only way you know how to stand up for yourself.

 

What's your mom's excuse for not getting YOU anything for Valentine's Day? She sounds like she's a little spoiled.

 

Don't let her come in between you and your husband. If you let the stress destroy your marriage you'll be posting on here under the separation and divorce section.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Miss Sisyphus

[Mittens]

Bleeding hell, your parents are very demanding! When my mother lived in the same city as me, I used to call her a couple of times a week, maybe see her once a week. I only saw her that often because she lived a couple of miles away from me.

 

My mother now lives on the other side of the world to me. I talk to her on the phone usually once a month, I've not seen her in nearly 6 years. I deliberately moved here because her constant negativity and emotional blackmail affected my mental health so badly - I'm bipolar - that I ended up suicidal.

 

I didn't call my mother over Easter. It didn't even occur to me to do so. I'm no longer a practising Catholic so the holiday didn't mean much to me. And as for her getting me anything for Valentine's Day or vice versa? No way jose. To me, that's a holiday for lovers, I find the giving of gifts/cards/whatever between parents and children on that day creepy.

 

Anyway, I'd tell her what you posted in your last two sentences. That you love them and miss them, but her actions are upsetting you. And I would reduce the calls massively. I definitely think familiarity is breeding contempt.

[daisy101]

If it was posted 2 months ago, I would have taken your parent's side...but now that I've started therapy, I can give you some insights...

 

Your parents don't mean you harm, heck, don't believe a word your mother said about you being the worst daughter in the world, she *really* didn't mean it.

 

Your parents are probably suffering from empty nest syndrom, they are having a hard time accepting that you don't need them anymore. They treat you this way because they still want to be in charge, to have some power over you.

I've been going through this with my son myself, but I'm feeling a lot better now.

 

You have to be strict and hard on them, or else you'll let them guilt trip you and have their way all the time. You are doing things right, it will be hard for your parents, but it is something they will have to accept. It's your life to live, not them.

 

Now on the other side...it was very sad for you not have called on Easter. My son couldn't visit me on the holidays because he had to work, I felt really bad for him but he called, he showed me he remembers me and loves me.

Please be careful not to forget this kind of things...while your parents need to understand they don't have power over your life, they are still your parents, and they'll love you forever.