Need to get something off my chest

[Wombat88]

I'm 26, so is the wife. Been married 6 years, known each other for almost half of our lives. She is not only my wife, but my best friend as well. To just about anyone, we had a good marriage.

 

I did something stupid. Got involved with another woman. We met by a chance encounter without my wife present. It went downhill from there. Texting all day at work, at home when she wasn't around, sneaking around when I could get away, and of course the sex. We only had sex once, and I couldn't continue. Once the temporary high wore off, I felt absolutely terrible. She asked me to leave my wife. I told her I couldn't do that. We don't communicate after that, my choice.

 

Now I have to live with it all. I didn't really want to leave my wife, and when push came to shove, I chose her as I knew I always would. We had reached a point where things may have gotten "boring" or "routine," and at least for my part I had settled into paying less attention to her than I used to, spending a lot of time on the computer, watching porn, playing games, and whatnot. Of course I pushed her away by doing this and she started ignoring me as well.

 

I liked what I felt with the OW, of course, but there's no reason I can't still have that with the woman I married. I've been working at paying her as much attention as I did with my OW, and it seems to be paying off. I don't think she suspects I've cheated or anything, but she's noticed a change in me. She says it makes her happy, and it eats me up inside every time because of what I did. I can't tell her, as we've had this discussion (hypothetically, of course, and before I cheated) and she has made it clear that it is something she will not tolerate, and she will leave. The guilt will go away with time, but right now it's manifesting itself as bickering and fighting over stupid little things, even as I'm trying to repair what I damaged before the affair. I'm worried that will end up pushing away the wife I'm trying to keep.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Wombat88

[autumnnight]

To oversimplify a bit, you have just a few choices:

 

1. Deal with the guilt, process, and hope it passes. Like you said, this manifests in other ways. You get moody, bickery, maybe even pick fights to make her mad at you because you believe she should be (and you know if she knew she WOULD be). This may pass, or it may not. And there is always the chance that one day years from now she'll find out. Plus, unless you do some work on YOU, then in 5, 10, 12 years, if you go through a down time again, that little temptation voice in your head will say, "well, you got away with it last time, so..."

 

2. You confess. You go to her humbly, give her the facts, take full responsibility without even mentioning any flaws you think she may have. You break every bit of contact with the OW, you offer to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help her heal and repair the marriage. There is no guarantee she will stay. And no one REALLY knows what they will do in this situation until it hits. She may stay.

 

Either way, no contact with this woman is a must. Working on yourself is a must. I would find a good counselor to help you. Whatever you decide about telling the truth to your wife, the counselor will at least help you work through things without alienating your wife because you will have a place to go to process it.

 

My opinion? The truth is the best option.

[BlackHat]

WARNING: I am offering practical advice. I am not dealing in morality. If you, reader, are a sensitive person who could be offended by a practical advice, please stop reading now.

 

CHEATING IS IMMORAL AND THE OP SHOULD BE PUNISHED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT.

 

Now, to over, oversimply a lot :

 

1. Deal with the guilt.

 

2. You confess.

 

Here is the deal, a it comes hard earned from a serial cheater (yours truly):

 

Imagine that you are in the Titanic. Lucky for you, there are two seats in two boats. One has a huge hole in it, and its 100% guaranteed to sink and you will die. The other has a big hole, it may sink but it may not...chances are slim. Which boat would you prefer to be on?

 

Obviously the boat with some chances, right? 1% chance is better than nothing, right?

 

Well, here is the deal, and again, I have done this more times I care to remember. If you swallow that pill and don't say a thing to your wife, you have a chance that she will never find out.

 

If she suspects or finds something, or if the other woman comes to tell your wife the truth, DENY IT. Do not elaborate (the longer the lie, the more chances to be found out), but deny it. Say "nope", "not true", "not possible". Do not get mad, do not get upset. Be cool and act as if it was all a game, as if she was making a joke. Laugh even. But always deny it in the simplest way possible. I repeat: No explanations, no elaborations.

 

The good news for you as a cheater is that your spouse will always hope that she is wrong, and the only way (without 100% clear evidence, and even then...) that she can be sure she is right is that you say so. As long as you deny it, she will eventually believe you.

 

Now, I am going to make myself clear. This approach is horrible. After cheating on her you will lie. I do not recommend this approach even though it's what I do, but I am a horrible person and you should not be that.

 

However, at an strictly practical level, if you decide to tell her the truth, the punishment will equal the one you will get if you lied. If you tell her the truth, there is a 99.9999% chance that your relationship will your wife will never recover. Not only that, brace yourself for years of punishment. And, she will still suffer as if you lied and she found out.

 

At a practical level there is not one incentive to be honest. But if you lie and can pull it off, then you will still suffer inside, but you have a chance that she won't.

 

So you need to decide to do what is right and you should absolutely do (tell her the truth) or what is practical and gives you a chance for the happy marriage to continue (don't tell her the truth).

[Mr. Lucky]

Blackhat, I personally think you post only for attention as opposed to being helpful (is that a commercial in your sig ?) but I'll ask this:

 

Don't these two statements contradict each other?

 

At a practical level there is not one incentive to be honest.

 

then you will still suffer inside

 

And isn't that contradiction what led the OP to post here in the first place?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SycamoreCircle]

The guilt will go away with time

You've gone from lying to your wife to lying to yourself.

[BlackHat]

Blackhat, I personally think you post only for attention as opposed to being helpful (is that a commercial in your sig ?) but I'll ask this:

 

Don't these two statements contradict each other?

 

 

 

 

 

And isn't that contradiction what led the OP to post here in the first place?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

1. If you think that I am looking for attention, you replying to me kinda defies your purpose to prevent that, don't you think? I mean, I would never feed a troll.

 

2. Answering your self-defiance question, there is no contradiction. Whether the OP chooses to be honest or not, he will suffer for the pain caused. However, if he lies he has a good chance to keep the marriage rolling as before, as oppose as if he is honest and damage the marriage forever.

 

Like in my Titanic analogy, both boats have holes in them. You are not going to avoid the suffering and pain and the good chance of drowning. However, between two damaged boats I rather stay in the one less damaged.

[writergal]

I'm 26, so is the wife. Been married 6 years, known each other for almost half of our lives. She is not only my wife, but my best friend as well. To just about anyone, we had a good marriage.

 

We had reached a point where things may have gotten "boring" or "routine," and at least for my part I had settled into paying less attention to her than I used to, spending a lot of time on the computer, watching porn, playing games, and whatnot. Of course I pushed her away by doing this and she started ignoring me as well.

 

I liked what I felt with the OW, of course, but there's no reason I can't still have that with the woman I married.

 

You cheated because you could. Now you try to justify cheating your wife as "well my marriage was boring, so I cheated." That is a really selfish, immature attitude. So what if your marriage became boring and routine? That doesn't mean you cheat on your wife! You spice things up in your marriage. If she really IS your best friend, why on earth would you be so lazy as to go out and cheat on her for some random sex? You do realize, you could have just had a conversation with your wife, "honey, I feel like things are routine and I want to spice them up a bit; you know, get that spark back. Here's some ideas I have [vacation, new sex moves, whatever]."

 

But you didn't do that, did you.

 

Nope. You took the easy way and cheated for absolutely no reason other than you were bored and didn't want to make the effort to pay attention to your wife and your relationship, which is what you do when you are married.

 

My grandparents were married for more than 70 years. Neither of them EVER cheated on each other. Do you know why? Because they made an effort to keep their relationship interesting. They led two lives; their own, and one together. They supported each other, encouraged each other, and not once did they ever say "I think I'll cheat because I'm bored."

 

At this point, if you continue to lie to your wife, and she finds out you are screwed.

 

If you tell her the truth now, she will feel betrayed and her anger will be justified. She will ask you, "why didn't you just talk to me? Your best friend, remember?" She will feel like you took advantage of her (because you did). She will feel like you don't respect her (because you didn't). She will ask herself why she invested her love in a man who treats her like city garbage (because you did by cheating on her). Then she will want to divorce you, because you threw away her love (because you did. You clearly don't respect the sanctity of marriage if cheating was so easy for you to do). If she doesn't divorce you, it's because she is too scared to be alone and probably because you are good at manipulating her, the way you did by lying to her when you were texting another woman who you had sex with.

 

Tell your wife the truth. Then go to marriage counseling. And hope she forgives you. And for god sake, don't cheat on her again.

[Satu]

A toxic secret is something that is hidden from a person who has the right to know it, because it affects them.

 

It's a continually occurring lie.

 

It's a lie that is being told every day, every hour, every minute, every second.

 

"If you ever cheated on me, I'd leave you."

 

"Don't worry honey, I'd never do that."

 

I couldn't live with a lie like that.

[Wombat88]

Yeah. I ****ed up. I realized it. That much is obvious.

 

Believe me, or don't. I want to do better for her. I know it doesn't matter, but this made me realize what I wanted.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Wombat88

[autumnnight]

Yeah. I ****ed up. I realized it. That much is obvious.

 

Believe me, or don't. I want to do better for her.

 

We have heard this a lot lately. A lot of "what is wrong with me. I know I am terrible."

 

I think people think if they are really honest about how bad their choice was, it somehow makes NOT DOING ANYTHING TO FIX IT is acceptable. It seems to be the new forum fad. Pretend to self-flagellate to distract from the fact that you don't plan to do anything about it.

 

That aside, this isn't hard. What kind of man do you want to be? You do not need to answer that. Your choice of actions will reveal the kind of man you want to be. A man with honor, character, and integrity will be honest and do the work.

 

A man who is emotionally stunted and thinks more highly of himself than he pretends to will continue to victimize.

 

It really is that simple.

[Satu]

*I can't tell her, as we've had this discussion (hypothetically, of course, and before I cheated) and she has made it clear that it is something she will not tolerate, and she will leave.

 

*And knowing that, you went ahead and did it anyway.

 

You can tell her, if you're man enough to take responsibility for your actions.

 

If you choose not to, because you can't take responsibility for what you've done, you live with your lie until the day you die.

[writergal]

Yeah. I ****ed up. I realized it. That much is obvious.

 

Believe me, or don't. I want to do better for her. I know it doesn't matter, but this made me realize what I wanted.

 

 

The only person who you have to convince is yourself. It doesn't matter what strangers on an internet forum think of you. You have to convince yourself for the real reasons that you cheated.

 

Was it really due to boredom and routine? Or have you fallen out of love with your wife and don't want to be married to her anymore? Or you feel like she isn't paying any attention to you? People cheat on their spouse for a million and one reasons. The cheating part is a symptom of something larger that is wrong with the relationship.

 

You are only 26, so you have time to fix this situation, but only if you tell her the truth. The truth will set you free. Sounds cliché but what you become free of is the guilt and shame that you carry around with you right now, that you take out on your wife (via projection) when you pick fights with her and bicker about insignificant issues.

 

I meant what I said. I think you two need to see a marriage and family counselor. There is no way you can resolve this just between the two of you. You cheated for a reason. In another thread, I said that sometimes the reason people do things is "just because" and sometimes there is a more deeper reason.

 

I think you need to figure out why you suddenly stopped feeling attracted to your wife and sought out porn and internet games etc.,. to distract you from spending time with your wife. What is so boring and routine about being married to your best friend, that would cause you to cheat on her?

 

Don't lie to your wife for the rest of your marriage. She deserves the truth.

[Satu]

Now is a good time for some ruthlessly honest self-reflection.

[jbrent890]

FINALLY!!! We have a WS here that doesn't sugar coat the reason why he can't tell his BS, because he knows that's the end of the marriage. I grew really tired of the "I can't hurt them" or "I would just be relieving my guilt" excuses. During your conversation with your wife, did she tell you she would want to know if you cheated? If the answer is yes, then man up, respect your wife's wishes, and deal with the consequnces. It's her life and she deserves to make decisions about her own life.

[Janesays]

I read somewhere that when an affair is CONFESSED, the chances of reconciliation are 77%.

 

If an affair is FOUND OUT, however, the chances of reconciliation drop down to 4%.

 

I see that played out on forums and message boards enough that those stats FEEL close to accurate for me.

 

Think about it from your wife's point of view...how could she ever believe you ever felt real guilt and remorse if you were content to keep your mouth shut and make HER entire life into a lie and a joke?

 

A confession at least indicates that you regret what you did. A BS can work with that.

 

How can any BS work with years of lying right to her face?

 

Personally, I think your best shot is a confession. You won't hide this forever. Take it from me...I found out 3 years after the A ended. The shoe always drops. Always. Ask my ex husband how well 'taking lies to his grave' worked out for him.

[Mr. Lucky]

*And knowing that, you went ahead and did it anyway.

 

Agreed. Wombat88, it would have made sense had you written:

 

I can't cheat on her, as we've had this discussion (hypothetically, of course, and before I cheated) and she has made it clear that it is something she will not tolerate, and she will leave.

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Practical advise on how to keep your marriage?

You just ignore your inner emotional storm and pray every day that she never finds out. Should that fail, pray that you won't have brought kids into this mess by the time she finds out. Good luck!

[Snaggletooth]

I'm 26, so is the wife. Been married 6 years, known each other for almost half of our lives. She is not only my wife, but my best friend as well. To just about anyone, we had a good marriage.

 

I did something stupid. Got involved with another woman. We met by a chance encounter without my wife present. It went downhill from there. Texting all day at work, at home when she wasn't around, sneaking around when I could get away, and of course the sex. We only had sex once, and I couldn't continue. Once the temporary high wore off, I felt absolutely terrible. She asked me to leave my wife. I told her I couldn't do that. We don't communicate after that, my choice.

 

Now I have to live with it all. I didn't really want to leave my wife, and when push came to shove, I chose her as I knew I always would. We had reached a point where things may have gotten "boring" or "routine," and at least for my part I had settled into paying less attention to her than I used to, spending a lot of time on the computer, watching porn, playing games, and whatnot. Of course I pushed her away by doing this and she started ignoring me as well.

 

I liked what I felt with the OW, of course, but there's no reason I can't still have that with the woman I married. I've been working at paying her as much attention as I did with my OW, and it seems to be paying off. I don't think she suspects I've cheated or anything, but she's noticed a change in me. She says it makes her happy, and it eats me up inside every time because of what I did. I can't tell her, as we've had this discussion (hypothetically, of course, and before I cheated) and she has made it clear that it is something she will not tolerate, and she will leave. The guilt will go away with time, but right now it's manifesting itself as bickering and fighting over stupid little things, even as I'm trying to repair what I damaged before the affair. I'm worried that will end up pushing away the wife I'm trying to keep.

 

You're still thinking only of yourself.

 

If you love your wife let her live her life based on truth, don't take it away from her with lies. I don't know if you have kids or a mortgage but don't let her start a family, take out debt or change her career based on lies. She is young, she has time to start life with a new man should she choose to leave you, but should you keep quiet she will never get back the years you stole from her with lies. That is a far, far worse thing to do than screwing another woman.

 

You are the one who messed up. You are the cheat. You are the liar. Don't make her pay the price for your actions. Have some integrity. Be a man. Face the music. Own your sh*t. Tell her. Give her a life based on truth. What she does with that truth is down to her.

[Darren Steez]

I chose her .

 

How magnanimous of you. Did your wife have a say in this selection process?

 

You "chose" her after flirting, texting, kissing and finally banging?

 

There actually wasn't any choice because....

[Silveron]

Yeah. I ****ed up. I realized it. That much is obvious.

 

Believe me, or don't. I want to do better for her. I know it doesn't matter, but this made me realize what I wanted.

 

Wow! Selfish! What about what SHE wants?? You cheated, however you are continuing to cheat her out of her life choices by continuing to not tell her the truth.

 

 

Letting her live in your lie is worse than the actual cheating.

 

 

If you love her, you want what is BEST for her. What is best for her is for her to know and be allowed to make her OWN decision.

 

 

If you want to do better for her then telling her the truth is a start. Anything other than that is just you BSing yourself. Don't insult us into believing there is another way around resolving this issue.

[Satu]

A pivotal point I came to on my own journey was the conscious decision to be authentic in all my dealings with other people.

 

That means being exactly the same person on the outside, as I am on the inside.

 

It sounds little, but it's much.

 

Not, "To be or not to be," but rather, "to be, or to appear to be."

 

That does not mean that I have no privacy. Things that only concern me, that have no impact on anyone other than me, I will keep private if that is my preference.

 

Toxic secrets though, are nothing to do with privacy. They are an infringement of a persons right to know what the truth is , because they are affected by the thing that is being hidden. They have a right to know what forces are acting upon them.

 

Toxic secrets really are toxic. They are corrosive to the secret-keeper, and they are corrosive to the relationship concerned.

 

I would confess every time, because I value my integrity more than my comfort.

[No Limit]

You write that your sidepiece wanted you to leave your wife; indicator for the crazy type. How do you know she won't go after you at some point? She could bust your life up on a whim any second of your life.

[Quiet Storm]

Two quotes apply here, though I'm not sure who said them...

 

 

We are only as sick as our secrets.

 

Within our secrets lies our shame.

 

You don't know that your wife will leave you. Plenty of BSs think they'll leave until it happens to them. To be honest, if my husband cheated and confessed and was remorseful and transparent, I'd give him another chance. I'd rather have an authentic marriage to work on together honestly, then one under a black cloud of secrets.

[spanz1]

take it to the grave, and spend the rest of your life trying to deserve your wife's love.

[Mr. Lucky]

take it to the grave, and spend the rest of your life trying to deserve your wife's love.

 

Here's the flaw in your thinking - were he to cheat again, from your POV the advice would still be true. Bury it, move on, hope to do better.

 

What is the permissible over/under on undisclosed affairs?

 

Mr. Lucky