Lion Heart Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Wombat I'm a betrayed wife. Married 13y, together more. 3 chn together. He parented my DD from my exWH WHOM I LEFT ON THE NIGHT I FOUND OUT. My WH knew that I'd left b4. We'd definitely HAD that conversation! Many times. Still on 15th December last year. My WH OW forced the truth out. It was THE WORST day of my life. Had he confessed by himself it would have been FAR FAR BETTER! Still he's here. Now. I thank his OW every day of my life for forcing the truth. Every single day. All my WH behaviours made PERFECT SENSE after D Day. His shocking, ridiculous moods with me and the kids for months! His complete and total change of heart for a month after he broke up with her (which I do give him some credit for) and then my D Day. When mine and my children's fake world was blown to smithereens. I don't care WHAT the truth is - I want it. WH chose to seek IC and MC. We are coming out of the tunnel (believe it or not - could be a false R but who knows?) and we but more importantly HE is getting SO MUCH better and happier and says he didn't know how he was gonna cope with that huge lie in our M till he died. The OW was only too forthcoming with everything she could tell me. I thought she knew it was over between her and WH. Nope this was her last ditched effort to get him all to herself. Hopefully your OW will also spill the beans on your relationship with her, since you don't have the courage to face the consequences of your own actions. Maybe she'll "get" you after all. Maybe it'll be just another OW down the track. Whatever, I hope the truth comes out. I just hope it's you that delivers it. Then direct your W to LS. She may need support. Lion Heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Here's the flaw in your thinking - were he to cheat again, from your POV the advice would still be true. Bury it, move on, hope to do better. What is the permissible over/under on undisclosed affairs? Mr. Lucky yep true dat. but what i was sensing was that he had a very guilty conscience, and he wanted to tell her to get that weight off of his shoulders. I say, let him live with that internal shame the rest of his life, and do NOT hurt the wife's feelings just for him to feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I find myself "liking" the posts that suggests you tell her the truth because in my mind and with logic it makes total sense. It is her life and she deserves an opinion on how she would like to carry forward. I believe it is an unwritten rule in your vows to be faithful regardless if she verbally illiterated it as a "deal breaker" in your "hypothetical" questioning of each others fidelity. You had a response too right? I can't image you said, "No honey, I would totally forgive you". No, you probably couldn't bare the thought of your with with another man. The tables could be easily turned and right now, as you read this your wife too is tormented by the same thing. He deep dark secret. Anyhoooo.... I go back to finding myself "liking" the logical choice to tell your wife. For me, a BS of 18 years and still with my WS. If there is one thing I could wish for is NOT knowing. Telling me the truth devolved him and life went on. For me I was left with insecurities and questions. Horrible way to live.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) How magnanimous of you. Did your wife have a say in this selection process? You "chose" her after flirting, texting, kissing and finally banging? There actually wasn't any choice because.... Exactly. Im going to go out and bang some hot chicks this weekend. Come Monday I'll chose my wife. She is so lucky. My wife kept her short-lived A a secret for over 8 years. She confessed because she was tired of living a lie and feeling like a total fraud. If you feel guilty now then the guilt doesn't go away. It eats at you slowly. At this point you can be a cheater and a coward, or you can be a cheater and a stand-up man by telling her. Edited April 9, 2015 by Betrayed&Stayed Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) OP, the advise i could give at this point is this: Nothing external will explain why you cheated, not marital issues, not spousal issues, none of it. External reasons help justify divorce or marriage counseling as to rebuild, but not the behavior to deceive, betray and "cheat" which comes from an entirely different source. The further you look to "rationalize" the why externally or what it has produced in a quasi "wake up call" will only take you farther away from righting what went wrong. What i am getting at is that once the "high" is worn off which is seems to be starting and I also infer to the memories of "how fun", you will need to look within to find out what broke inside. Looking in the mirror is one of the hardest things we can do and must do to truly heal. I say this because once you are there mentally, you will be in a better place to understand and "know" what to do from there. I will end with this. If you choose to stay with your wife as in a marriage in which it should be founded, your cheating not only cheated your marriage/wife but yourself. To keep the marriage in the dark about what is done continues the "cheat" and further compounds cheating the rebuilding. However, if you truly look in the mirror and find understanding this will be a foregone conclusion. good luck. Edited April 9, 2015 by atreides Link to post Share on other sites
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