4 Year Relationship 4 months-ish NC {Contact}

[mmm_mmm]

Here is some background. (I am 27, she is 25)

 

ME: I'm a guy that had low self-esteem for many many years. I was the type that didn't need to study / pretty good at a lot of things. So within all my peers/friend groups I would be a leader of some sort. People gravitated to the leader persona and so did I. I would live everyday trying to prove myself. but in the process I lost myself so many times. I would play certain sports, workout super hard just to say to people that "You too, can do this". I motivated all my friends to do better but in retrospect, I never did anything I wasn't good at. I never put myself in a fight I don't expect to win. I would argue with my ex sometimes because she was irrational and even though deep down inside I believed what she said, I felt like I was protecting her by trying to change her thoughts..... I never attributed my successes to me, I just needed to show I was the best; which is why I never shared my inner thoughts with anyone; not my ex, family, friends. I felt if I ever failed, no one would care for me. I was extremely easy/charming so I made friends with ease but afterwards I would shy away from them because getting too close meant they might see my weaknesses.

 

HER: She's a smart girl, knows what she wants. Very sociable but has a dark side as well; she's very judgmental. However when we are together, we kind of balanced each other's faults; made everyone around us like us and very fun to hang around.

 

We were dating near 3.5-4 years in a serious relationship. We never really argued much, and would always reconcile anytime we argued over something stupid. We were somewhat long distance 1 hour+ apart(1 way) because she was finishing up school. I made it a requirement that we visit each other equally so no one feels used.

 

Near the last 1 year of our relationship was when things started to get sour. We were planning all our future goals, house, etc. And somewhere along those lines, I fell back into my whole of worrying and running away from the problems. I became really emotionally unavailable. I stopped listening to her and stopped trying. I became less social with friends.

She broke up with me on the day I was going to surprise her with a trip/events to go to the next month to respark things.

She said she felt we were incompatible and that we won't be fully happy. She felt that I had no weaknesses and that my view on life is too different (I would argue with her to prove a point)

 

Maybe she was mad/sad that I didn't put up a fight... but even during the relationship, I knew the past me had no future in any relationships. I really needed to fix my "superman" disability.

Imagine living each day not knowing who you were, hating the person in the mirror, and knowing that I needed time alone to fix myself (not knowing how long)

So I agreed to the break up.

I told her I regretted I couldn't give her my all and spent a lot of time building on the hero persona and not being in the moment. She said she wanted to be strangers... but later asked if I wanted to be friends, she could try.

 

Looked at her instagram one last time on the day we exchanged stuff.

-> Found out she was posting alot of pictures... that I felt related to me.

-> pictures of food, we always ate together

-> choosing my favourite colour (that she was EXTREMELY neutral about) for her dress for her friend's wedding even though it's completely not the main colour of the event

I went NC right away because I knew having her back would be useless if I don't change myself from within. And somewhere along the line I found that being myself was worth more than having someone back.

 

 

I do believe we had a lot going for us but that's in the past. I have been improving myself through work, studying for designations, and working out.

 

I went out with all my main friend groups and told them how I felt and went with them to try things that they were good at that I was afraid to do because I might not be perfect at it. It was life changing; hearing them say "No matter what you did; we just thought you'd succeed." and then them helping me and giving me advise on how to get better at it. To see their shocked faces; as I fell and fell as I failed and failed.

 

I feel like I'm finally nearing the person I want to be; a motivating leader that knows he is allowed to fail, that I am human and that's way better than being the hero I always lived for. At this point (4 months) I don't even think about her during the day or night, I just get a couple random dreams about her.

 

Even as a dumpee, I feel I should reach out to her. I want to ask her to either dinner or a physical activity like yoga or rock climbing (something we never did together but since we both like physical activity she may agree to). I haven't seen her/contacted her ever since 1.5 weeks of the breakup to exchange items and discuss our pet.

I have some hope we can make this work; but at the same time I fully realize that we just may not be meant for each other. I'm interested in seeing how we've changed; and if our new perspectives and values are still a match. I know reworking and improving on communication (which is our worse part) is going to be hard, but I'm done taking the easy paths.

 

I guess what I am asking is; is an email/text better? I've always been a caller; always seems more personable. but I don't want to shock her.

Edited April 7, 2015 by mmm_mmm

[darkbloom]

You basically just described my ex in your description of yourself.

 

I think you should contact her by email or text. That way she has some time to read it over and really think about it. I think a phone call will put her on the spot and she might give you a knee jerk reaction of no. However you think she will respond best is the way to go as you know her well.

[Ruby65]

You started dating when she was just 21. I'm guessing she's enjoying this time being a single adult.

 

It's only been four months. This isn't long enough for you to have made significant lasting changes to who you are as a person. It's also not long enough for her to miss you.

 

I'd give yourself a few more months, continue living your life, continue your growth, then re-evaluate if you want to try contacting her.

 

Reconciliations work when the person who ended the relationship is the one to initiate contact. You're fighting an uphill battle by reaching out to someone who hasn't indicated she wants to get back together -- or even be in contact with you.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP it sounds to me like you guys started dating real young and were in a relationship for a long while. Often people who get into relationship that are very serious very young end up missing the things they think they would be able to do if they were single. It is very likely she is simply enjoying being a single 25 year old woman. Old enough to do everything and not too young for much anymore.

 

That said you do have a great deal of history together. The more history you have with someone the more likely is reconciliation.

 

4 months broken up in a 3.5-4 year long relationship is not trivial but it is not that big compared to the length of the relationship.

 

You started dating when she was just 21. I'm guessing she's enjoying this time being a single adult.

 

It's only been four months. This isn't long enough for you to have made significant lasting changes to who you are as a person. It's also not long enough for her to miss you.

 

I'd give yourself a few more months, continue living your life, continue your growth, then re-evaluate if you want to try contacting her.

 

Reconciliations work when the person who ended the relationship is the one to initiate contact. You're fighting an uphill battle by reaching out to someone who hasn't indicated she wants to get back together -- or even be in contact with you.

 

This, and I would add. If the relationship ended due to certain issues, ones that change with time or with circumstance, then reconciliation is possible if those conditions change.

 

What needs to happen is she has to be single or a while, and you need to be single for a while.

 

Stay NC unless and until she contacts you, then don't act too eager.

 

Act as if it is over forever, it likely is. Grieve and move on with life.

 

Then when she reaches out you can evaluate if you want her.

[mmm_mmm]

Update: I've decided not to really contact her via im, whatsapp/email, etc

 

While deleting apps on my cell. I relogged onto an app [that we use to play together] a couple times the last couple of weeks and noticed we've both been logging on just to see if the other person has been on.

I left her the message "Good luck on your designation test" through the inbox.

Judging by the frequency of her and I logging into the app, she'll probably see it in a couple weeks.

I promptly deleted the app. I guess that's my closure.

 

Thanks for all the support.

Working on myself has never been so much fun :]

[Ruby65]

Update: I've decided not to really contact her via im, whatsapp/email, etc

 

While deleting apps on my cell. I relogged onto an app [that we use to play together] a couple times the last couple of weeks and noticed we've both been logging on just to see if the other person has been on.

I left her the message "Good luck on your designation test" through the inbox.

Judging by the frequency of her and I logging into the app, she'll probably see it in a couple weeks.

I promptly deleted the app. I guess that's my closure.

 

Thanks for all the support.

Working on myself has never been so much fun :]

 

Wow, so.... I'm missing the closure here.

 

What it looks like to me is that you've made contact and are hoping to open up a line of communication between you.

 

How is this moving on.... not making contact.... working on yourself... or having closure? I'm confused.

[mmm_mmm]

Phrased it weird, I said good luck on your designation and life. I've deleted the app and also changed numbers, etc. I don't plan to talk to her again.

[Ruby65]

Oh -- that sounds better!

 

Good for you for blocking her.

[mmm_mmm]

Hmm oddly enough ever since last week when I had a bunch of friends visit from another country. I began to feel indifferent. Songs no longer do anything. I've been out everyday. Things have been good.

 

This morning when I woke up.. I found out someone (i think it must have been her) put me back into a chat group which is named "Her+Her Best Friends" on a chatting program like whatsapp

 

I put a "?" and everyone seemed shocked I was there....... I had a couple hi's a couple shocked emoticons... and one person that asked for the admin to kick (which is her)

 

so I left a polite message.

Of how I've changed a lot and even before I wasn't very close with you guys. Which is why I'll eliminate myself from this group/situation. Said that bluntly if any of those people wanted to add me to the app and talk to me to do so (here is my id).

 

Seeing as she's the only person out of the people in that chatroom (5?) who i'm networked with, only she could have put me in.....

 

I still have no plans to initiate any contact.I was added to chat at 12:00am? I woke up at 8:00am and by then no one spoke anything... someone just posted a couple of pictures of jokes.

Just seeing if you guys had any insight?

[mmm_mmm]

seems someone else added me to the group or blocked me in group and then removed me now... and it wasn't her since she removed me from her friends already it seems? I'm confused but I guess that's it. no need for insight.

Edited May 5, 2015 by mmm_mmm

[Mrlonelyone]

IME I'd bet it was her and if so that is a contact to ignore. Ignore block move on with life as if you will never hear from her again. In a four year long relationship it is very likely she will contact you again and that you will in a moment of weakness contact her it is human. Resist at all cost.

 

A phone call or skype is my personal threshold for reopening talks with my Ex'es. Anything less than that would be a total breadcrumb.

 

There is a really good guide to why NC is not enough here. I will quote it for you.

 

Only use the parts where it talks about talking to your ex if she made the kind of contact I mentioned, i.e. called you on the phone and you answered.

 

I call your attention to the first question you should ask yourself in the below. Did you really truly love her or not. I mean real adult love where if their happiness and well being meant real hardship and loss for you you'd be ok with it.

 

Have you ever wondered why you felt so painful for so long despite following the NC guide to the letter? Why you have sleepless nights despite cutting contact with your ex months ago? Why you wake up every morning and the first thing you think about is "what went wrong?"

 

The reason is simple. You don't have the truth to your break up, and only the truth will set you free from pain.

 

Now, many people in this forum, including famous ones like CaliGuy and No Foolin, may recommend ignorance to sort of numb and avoid the pain. The thing is folks, if ignorance is so successful, why are you still in pain after so long? I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm true to my own feelings and I've experimented with different ways to cope. I realized that a proper closure is absolutely necessary for a recovery to be swift. The problem is that many people don't know how to do a proper closure, or even know what is a proper closure. I'm here to show you the way.

 

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A little background about myself. I'm been through a number of break ups, with my first love cheating on me. So I'm able to relate to most cases of break ups in this forum. I was also a former combat medic and had professional training and personal experience on how to help others cope with loses, many girls dump their men when they enter service. I'm also a passionate reader of psychology and psychotherapy.

======================================================

 

1) Determine if you really loved your partner or not?

 

From my personal experience and experiences with helping others, I realized that the pain we feel after breakup may not actually be from the fact that we love our partners, but from the other more selfish and childish reasons.

 

As No Foolin had pointed out, perhaps your partner was providing a need of yours and his departure had made you jittery. I would go even further. Perhaps you are just like a child who had his toy taken away suddenly, he may not love the toy, but he is just not used to the feeling. Or perhaps you're like an investor experiencing sunk cost fallacy, you can't let go because you've invested a lot in your partner and are expecting returns. These aren't true love folks, so throw that BS out of the window and find out why you feel the way you feel.

 

There are many ways to do this self-reflection, but I feel that the simplest (making you more willing to do it) is to write on a piece of paper what do you like about your partner and what do you hate about your partner honestly. If the latter side is way more than the former side, then you really need to ask if you really did love your partner, and this process will bring you much comfort.

 

P.S. Most men stayed for the sex and are hurt because their source of sexual pleasure is taken away. Don't believe me? Do the reflection and find out for yourself.

 

2) Talk to your ex when he/she is calm. Seriously!

 

Folks, I don't usually guarantee anyone anything. But I can guarantee you this. Your partner's story about what had happened will definitely be different from yours! So ask and LISTEN!!!

 

There is no one true way to go about getting him/her to tell her story. This isn't a sales pitch folks. Slowly probe your way to the truth. Your partner will usually not give it up at once. However, I can provide some tips to get your partner to tell his/her story to you. And you know that knowing the truth can set you free....

 

- Find a quiet location, like a park at night, so that your ex can speak more freely and can express his/her emotions without embarrassment.

- Don't ask Why! Ask whats and hows. Asking why will make your ex agitated.

- Ask your questions by chronological order so that you won't miss anything out.

- Set an atmosphere of honesty! Tell your ex that you're are talking as mature adults and promise each other to tell only the truth, irregardless of feelings.

- Treat this meeting as your last. Ask away!

 

Some default questions:

 

- What do you like about me when we first got together?

- How is the present me different from the past me?

- What were you looking for in a relationship? ***

- Do you still love me?

- Do you want the things to end like this?

 

No hard and fast rules folks. Different strokes for different people. Craft the questions to suit your needs.

 

Protip: The last two questions are meant to increase your chances of your ex getting back with you. From my personal observation, people who asked these two questions have roughly double the chance of getting their ex back than those who just go NC. Tho you have to ask yourself if the relationship is still worth it or not...

 

3) Find out what your ex wants, whether you're able to provide it, and whether you're the ONLY person who can provide it!

 

What were you looking for in a relationship?

 

You asked that question. Now the answer will set you free. If you cannot provide what your ex wants, then sad to say the relationship is not possible to begin with, andthat fact will ease a lot of your pain trust me! We humans are rational creatures. Uncertainty and doubt hurts us like crazy. The reason why we hurt is because we still believe that there is a chance that you can get back with your ex. Knowing that the relationship is impossible will hasten your recovery as you now know what went wrong with the relationship.

 

Here is a personal experience of mine. When I was in the military, I was approached by this gay guy who wanted to be together with me. He was gorgeous, rich, comes from a good background, has good attitude and character and he is able to get any girls of the streets with a flick of his fingers. The perfect guy! But the thing is, I'm not gay! He can't satisfy my wants and therefore a relationship is impossible to begin with and there isn't a need to feel hurt for both parties!

 

Not only that, you also have to be the ONLY ONE to be able to provide your ex with his/her wants. If not, why would your ex stay?

 

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I'm still working on this guide, but the above three methods will ease a big chunk of your pain, help you to recover and live a fuller life.

 

I've been there and done that. Why don't you try out my way?