Husband's female friend

[confusedwife1981]

Please go read my threads and stories. Your sitatuion sounds so similar to mine expect we were actually seperated. But my H claimed this OW was just his friend. She is also a younger woman in her 20's. She also refused to speak to me when I reached out to her. She also ran back and told my H everything I did and said to her. My H then told ME to leave HER alone. My H even went as far as to tell her she can tell me they were just friends and to leave her alone. She, unlike the OW in your sitatuion, actually refused to do this as well. Refused to speak to me on any level, even to confirm his story.

 

After i told him to end this friendship...he continued talking to her, told her she could still call and text and that if she was hanging out with friends he would stop by. Basically she was still welcome to contact him.

 

She asked him to delete her number...he refused and promised that I would never get ahold of it...and still to this day I don't have it. He hid it well.

 

The point is 6 months later after I told him to end this friendship he is STILL in contact with her and it's mutual contact. I'm not sure your exact sitatuion but I am financially dependent and trying to get on my own feet. Do not put up with this if you don't have to.

[SoleMate]

This is definitely at least an EA. The fact that your questions to the OW got to your H in less than 5 minutes and you got electronically backhanded as punishment, proves that beyond a doubt. The only real questions remaining are:

 

• Whether they also made it a PA
  
• Whether you stay married to him
  
• On what terms you move forward
  

 

My money is on it being a PA, with the weekend you were out of town being one of the episodes.

 

For moving forward, this is one of the hardest problems there is. A marriage only makes sense (IMO) if there is a high level of honesty and trust between the partners. He has destroyed that and he hasn't yet shown that he cares.

 

The previous lovey-dovey message is equivalent to saying, "I'm so glad I have a loyal wifey to come back to, who keeps the homefires burning, kids cared for, and family facade fully up and burnished, while I'm off doing what I want to do. I would hate to come back to an empty apartment....it's better to come back to a clean house with food on the table. Therefore I love you!"

[jackiec22]

i told him that i texted her once, and he acted like he had no clue, but it seemed so obvious to me!

 

 

is it completely wrong and unethical of me if i tell him that she contacted me and told me about Sunday (march 29th)? Just to gauge his reaction?

 

I feel like it's wrong, but I may get answers. It may be the only way because I don't have access to his phone AT ALL, and I feel like proof is needed.

[Lunay]

i told him that i texted her once, and he acted like he had no clue, but it seemed so obvious to me!

 

 

is it completely wrong and unethical of me if i tell him that she contacted me and told me about Sunday (march 29th)? Just to gauge his reaction?

 

I feel like it's wrong, but I may get answers. It may be the only way because I don't have access to his phone AT ALL, and I feel like proof is needed.

 

No, because what if nothing happened? Even if something did happen, he will lie anyway. So you'll get the same story regardless of if he did anything or not. You'll be left with no answers.

Then, he will ask the OW about it and he will believe her over you. I honestly think you need to get a VAR or put something on his phone to record the texts. It's the only way you'll get real proof.

[elaine567]

Remember that cheaters lie. Do not ask, you will be lied to.

 

From another thread.

I am a cheater. A serial cheater, and I can see myself in your words.

...Cheating and lies go hand by hand.

No matter how many times I get caught (and I have gotten caught many times by many women I have been involved with) I will always lie.

 

I will lie to keep the status quo. I will lie to keep the peace. I will lie because, at the end, it does not matter whether I lie or not. In fact, telling the truth is often far more costly than lying.

 

Consider this: For every time you caught me, I probably cheated on you 20 times. How would it help my case to confess that I cheated 20 times when I can just admit I did it once? You could forget and forgive one time, two, three...but 20? You will go out of control.

 

You and any sane woman. Therefore, I lie and your husband lies.

 

No, because what if nothing happened? Even if something did happen, he will lie anyway. So you'll get the same story regardless of if he did anything or not. You'll be left with no answers.

Then, he will ask the OW about it and he will believe her over you. I honestly think you need to get a VAR or put something on his phone to record the texts. It's the only way you'll get real proof.

[Pinkdisney]

I am going to assume full-blown PA, you don't block someone on FB over an EA.

 

Been there, done that. I caught my 40 YO mid-life crisis ex getting with the 23 yo new girl in his office by putting a VAR in the car and found all the evidence I needed to prove I wasn't crazy (as I was being told). Deleted texts, hidden FB messages, it's the oldest trick in the book and you, the wife, are the last to know.

 

I would stop letting this continue right under your nose and tell your H he needs to go NC with this OW completely or you have divorce papers to file tomorrow. He's cake eating, has you at home and the mistress on the side.

[pheonixrisen]

Hi op just read through your thread ....I am sorry to say that something is definitely going on between the 2 of them ...The deleted messages are a huge red flag ...because then what he is telling you about them cutting off was probably not discussed... just them lying low and keeping it underground ...Other wise he should have had no problem with you going through them message.

 

The ow is neither your friend or well wisher of your marriage ...contacting her was a wrong move ....she is on your h side ...

 

His twitter rant was disrespectful towards you..

 

The fb blocking is weird but have you considered this ...If she is his ow and they are in an affair ...and his fb page has pictures of you and your family together ...ow do not like thier married men playing happy family she confronts him ..He does not want to raise any suspicion by bringing them pictures down ...she blocks him ..coz she refuses to see him playing family with you ...and probably that's what they are arguing about.

 

I am a B's ..I had no clue my h was having an affair till I accidentally came across it 18 month into their affair ...I had no suspicion ...I was lost on that day besides other things coz I kept asking my self how could I miss an affair for almost 2 years ...how did he manage to hide it ...then on dday I took his car keys and searched them car ...I did not have to search a lot ...It was all there all I had to do was look ...extra phone among other things ..

 

Before you blow this up you need to be clear about what you want ...If he is having an affair you want to save your marriage or are you going to walk away ...read the 180 to protect your mental health ...don't give ultimatums if you are not going to follow through ...In my situation and a lot of other stories I read here once the wife found out and was willing to walk away ..the ow becomes from I cannot live without you too I cannot get rid of you fast enough...

 

But do be prepared to walk away ...or you will be going back and forth with their affair continuing and going under ground

 

don't contact the ow ...their is no point....but do check his car ...and take it from there...

[jackiec22]

well, i'm back!!!!

 

 

I thought this was over!

 

So, I confronted him about everything and he admitted that he did call her. He said that he wanted to just apologize for how bad he treated her when he cut her off. He had excuses for everything, and we discussed things. I told him that I look at his cell phone bill, and that no matter what he is NOT allowed to change that password, for my own peace of mind.

 

Well, I haven't looked in a long time, but last month he said "hey, did you go on my cell account? trying to pay bill and password isn't working"

I told him honestly, and this IS honest, I did not look and definitely didn't change password.

 

Well, we've been fighting this week, so I peaked at his phone and saw nothing. But I went into his notes on the iphone and he had her phone number on one of his notes. This raised suspicion for me, like he's been thinking about her or something...

 

So, I went on to phone bill, password wrong, so I changed it so I could peak.

He called her at midnight on sunday june 7th... the night where we were fighting BAD. A night where he was telling me that I am not strong enough for him, not strong enough to be there for him mentally and physically.

It pissed me off. We fight, and so he calls her???

It said it was a minute long, so obviously she didn't answer.

 

I looked at her facebook page, and suddenly there are a lot of public posts about "I miss those nights... :(" and her sadness. Okay, her posts could be unrelated, probably are, but it's bothering me...

 

 

I thought I didn't have to worry anymore, I haven't snooped in months... This sucks. I just feel like he'll never get over her, and he still won't admit that he ever had feelings for her besides being a friend.

 

what the hellllllll?

[whichwayisup]

He is blame shifting and still up to no good, he's just being sneakier about it.

 

Question is, what are you going to do about it? Consequences....

[the_artist_1970]

well, i'm back!!!!

 

 

I thought this was over!

 

So, I confronted him about everything and he admitted that he did call her. He said that he wanted to just apologize for how bad he treated her when he cut her off. He had excuses for everything, and we discussed things. I told him that I look at his cell phone bill, and that no matter what he is NOT allowed to change that password, for my own peace of mind.

 

Well, I haven't looked in a long time, but last month he said "hey, did you go on my cell account? trying to pay bill and password isn't working"

I told him honestly, and this IS honest, I did not look and definitely didn't change password.

 

Well, we've been fighting this week, so I peaked at his phone and saw nothing. But I went into his notes on the iphone and he had her phone number on one of his notes. This raised suspicion for me, like he's been thinking about her or something...

 

So, I went on to phone bill, password wrong, so I changed it so I could peak.

He called her at midnight on sunday june 7th... the night where we were fighting BAD. A night where he was telling me that I am not strong enough for him, not strong enough to be there for him mentally and physically.

It pissed me off. We fight, and so he calls her???

It said it was a minute long, so obviously she didn't answer.

 

I looked at her facebook page, and suddenly there are a lot of public posts about "I miss those nights... :(" and her sadness. Okay, her posts could be unrelated, probably are, but it's bothering me...

 

 

I thought I didn't have to worry anymore, I haven't snooped in months... This sucks. I just feel like he'll never get over her, and he still won't admit that he ever had feelings for her besides being a friend.

 

what the hellllllll?

 

Maybe you should leave him for a while to give him time to think about what life will be like without you in it. He doesn't appreciate you, nor does he respect your M. It is time to show him that you can live happily without him if he can't get over the OW. If he runs to her, let him go because if that is what he thinks will make him happy he will always be restless with you.