sanderson Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Who in their right mind would think it is okay to allow their boyfriend to sleep with other women? I'm in a LDR with someone from Nicaragua... the plan is to return in June. She's just dropped a massive bombshell, and said it is okay for me to have sex with other people. Is she insane? What does this say about her attitudes towards love? How is it love if she will allow me to sleep with other people? How would anyone cope emotionally, knowing their boyfriend is putting their penis inside someone else? I'm absolutely mortified this has been said. We have argued about it. She thinks it is not a taboo, but how on earth do we have a relationship if i'm out shagging some other women? We disagree on a core relationship value... how can I let this go on? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I guess she wants to or has slept with other people. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Since you recognize that you have different core values, you don't let this go on. You end it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I guess she wants to or has slept with other people. Exactly right, and it makes her feel better about it if you're doing the same. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sanderson Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) I guess she wants to or has slept with other people. She says she has no intention to sleep around herself, and hasn't slept with anybody. She tells me it is because a man has needs, and she wants me to be happy. And she would rather there be no lies. She was also going on about freedom and commitment... how are you free if you're committed, how can you be committed with no freedom... how relationships end up coming to an end because someone is unfaithful.... Edited April 7, 2015 by sanderson Link to post Share on other sites
LoveIsMyReligion Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I think she is trying to keep you happy. Do you have any reason not to trust her? If not, then tell her she is worth waiting for and that you plan to sleep with only her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 She's lying to you. Or she's testing you. Either way you need end this unrealistic LDR 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm in a LDR with someone from Nicaragua... the plan is to return in June. She's just dropped a massive bombshell, and said it is okay for me to have sex with other people. Is she insane? Doesn't sound insane. More likely polysexual or polyamorous or seeing another guy or guys on the home front in between visits, or even entertaining other LDR potentials. It's really unknown. If it's a mind-fµck to compel fidelity, it's the worst one I've ever seen Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I believe her. My wife and I have an open relationship, and it provides freedom within commitment, and removes the temptation to cheat since it isn't necessary. We're polyamorously-oriented as well, so this doesn't pose any issues for us. We think the culture of enforced monogamy when so many don't actually practice it is the insane perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 #1: She has slept with someone else already or is planning to. #2: She REALLY wants that green card. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 You ABSOLUTELY have a keeper here! She recognizes that you're far away and have needs that are going unmet. She is being as nice to you as anyone can. Before my divorce (don't tie that and this topic together), I was away from my wife on a project. For 2 years. She did/said the same thing. As long as feelings weren't involved and no diseases could be picked up, I could do whatever while I was away. She didn't do anything, even though I offered her the same option after she offered it to me. The key is that it's just physical, not emotional. My ex said, do whatever, but if I catch you having a pizza and watching a cartoon with some chick, you're dead! She was right. No enjoying the company of a hookup. Yours is probably thinking the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
doody Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 She's probably sleeping around if she's telling you to do exactly that. I would never suggest that to my LDR bf. It's about commitment, so why waste that time waiting or involving yourself with them at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 There are no absolutes here without actually knowing the principals involved, so anyone saying it is this way or that way is mainly just basing an opinion on their own experiences, whatever they may be. That doesn't mean the OP's LDR is operating that way. That said, my best guess OP is that she's working some angle other than an altruistic desire for your physical happiness. Circumstances just seem to favor that, IMO. But it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she's genuine. There are people out there who have those sensibilities, but it seems clear you don't share them, so I think the real issue here is basic incompatibility between the two of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 She could be testing you, or getting sick of you but isn't quite ready to break up yet. Hoping you'll take that opportunity to go off and find someone else. It's almost always a horrible sign when a woman tries to direct you to other women though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 It's almost always a horrible sign when a woman tries to direct you to other women though. Quoted for truth - polyamorous folks notwithstanding. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 my best guess OP is that she's working some angle other than an altruistic desire for your physical happiness. Circumstances just seem to favor that, IMO. I tend to side with Jen's thought. She tells me it is because a man has needs, and she wants me to be happy. And she would rather there be no lies. She was also going on about freedom and commitment... how are you free if you're committed, how can you be committed with no freedom... how relationships end up coming to an end because someone is unfaithful.... Now look at the words in bold. To me, 90% of that is about her, not about you. My guess is that she doesn't want to lose you because of being unfaithful at any time, and she's not afraid to lose you because of your own cheating. Think about it. She can't fear that, as she's not bothered by that in the first place. It could be a preventive approach regarding your own needs if you had expressed having those needs. I don't know if you did, but I might assume you didn't. She gave you a hall pass on the grounds that for a relationship to work, it needs to be open. She's starting from the point that relationships end due to someone cheating. And it looks like being LD has little to do with it. Most cheating happens with couples living under the same roof. Who in their right mind would think it is okay to allow their boyfriend to sleep with other women? It can be OK in some cases and it's a sign of extreme love. She's just dropped a massive bombshell, and said it is okay for me to have sex with other people. What did you say to trigger that? She's the girl going out with friends at night, drinking and getting drunk till passing out? She wants to be free to do all that. She doesn't want you to interfere with her social life. Is she insane? No. But if you confirm what I wrote above, there's no altruistic purpose in her words. What does this say about her attitudes towards love? Casual and light. How is it love if she will allow me to sleep with other people? It's a love that will be affected by moods and trends. If she wakes up one day and decides she needs else, she will probably pursue that without many regrets. How would anyone cope emotionally, knowing their boyfriend is putting their penis inside someone else? Some people do, even if it's beyond you. Think of porn actors, some of them have a girlfriend and some might even be married, with their spouse consent. We have argued about it. She thinks it is not a taboo, but how on earth do we have a relationship if i'm out shagging some other women? I think your values are worth being considered as much as hers. She said everything's fine but lies. You could go a step ahead, and say at this point, what you do sexually outside the couple is none of her business. You need to give her some food for thought on the choice she made one-sidedly. I think that's something she wouldn't take well. Because she might ask you about this and that and she wants you to be honest. That's her rule, right? So it's just fair (and wise) that you set your own rules too. And you create a boundary not letting her in, telling her whom you f-ed, or where and when and anything else she might want to know. I'm not sure where this will lead you two, but wherever that may be, it will say a lot about who she is. how can I let this go on? I think you should not let this go on. Again, I'm not sure if this is unsurmountable or not. She wants a relationship that gives her maximum freedom, you have a more traditional approach. You need to see if this is grounds to start parting ways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Look, I have to ask. Is she now or will she ever benefit monetarily from you? I ask because this sounds exactly like the kind of thing someone mostly in it for the money or gifts would say. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Who in their right mind would think it is okay to allow their boyfriend to sleep with other women? I'm in a LDR with someone from Nicaragua... the plan is to return in June. She's just dropped a massive bombshell, and said it is okay for me to have sex with other people. Is she insane? This may be cultural - Nicaragua: The Culture of Machismo | Progressio As a man and a superior human being you need sex, she cannot give it too you being so far away, so she gives you permission to sleep with other women. Just a thought 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnsonBaby Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 She says she has no intention to sleep around herself, and hasn't slept with anybody. She tells me it is because a man has needs, and she wants me to be happy. And she would rather there be no lies. She was also going on about freedom and commitment... how are you free if you're committed, how can you be committed with no freedom... how relationships end up coming to an end because someone is unfaithful.... And you believe that ?ok then .i said exactly that to my ex whom I had no feelings for and was working overseas . Trust me ,if that's how she thinks you best believe she s messing around . Of course she s not going to say it to you . She probably told you she doesn't need sex and she touches herself thinking about you and you only ,maybe even throw se Skype sex in the mix.Pass and get yourself tested . Link to post Share on other sites
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