Approaching girls in the street

[maverick84]

Hey so I wanna do a bit of a journal on dealing with my lack of skills in approaching and being sexually assertive - long story short I've had plenty of opportunities to get with girls since I was in school and no doubt also passed on plenty of chances to have a girlfriend but since I always shied away from sexual tension and flirting I have thus far have always been single... I also partly resent girls for hardly ever making a move directly but that's another story. I ain't no bad looking guy but had massive social anxiety and just abhor approaching girls and expressing sexual interest confidently.

 

So I'm tackling my problem head on. I was around London and set myself a target to approach 5 girls on the street today. I dithered too long on a few of them but managed 4 approaches in total - 1 short of my goal. I was pretty awkward on all of them although 3/4 of them were very friendly and the last one was blasé. All of them were very good looking, 1 was a pretty looking oxford student in the library, 1 was another trim looking chick who called me 'very brave', 1 girl from nottingham with huge knockers :-) and the last was just some good looking chick from the suburbs of London.

 

But yeah I wasn't being particularly effective with my approach as I was saying 'uh, hi... you err... eerrr, I saw you over there and I think you look good, um... hi, my name is...'etc...

 

Next time I think I'm just gonna try have as much fun as possible and say the stupidest chat up lines to see what happens.

 

Presently my 'game' is total crap at the moment unless I already know the chick likes me and I know I have some power in the relationship, in which case I'll have some confidence. I think the main thing is I need to learn to worry less and to speak as I naturally do without rushing through a set dialogue I planned in my head. Also I have to find a way to have fun with it since everything within me is saying "NOOOO!! I don't wanna do this!" and I just have to force myself to smile and approach...so naturally the conversations are stilted and awkward thus far.

 

Anyway just sharing the progress - hope this stuff isn't slated or deleted for some stupid reason. Peace.

 

Anyone got any good chat up lines I can try by the way?

Edited April 7, 2015 by maverick84

[d0nnivain]

In a big city like London you can't just walk up to random women on the street. They will think you are a serial killer or rapist.

 

 

If you take the same route every day & pass the same women routinely you can build a rapport over time. Smile each morning for a few weeks. Work up to saying good morning for a few more weeks. After a few months total, you can make small talk about the weather, possibly throw in an occasional compliment. After a few months of that, then you can ask her out.

[freelo]

I agree with D0nnivain. What is it that you really want? A casual date? A girlfriend? Maybe just a platonic friendship? Don't assume that the person you want will be walking down the street-know what you want, look for someone who has those qualities and commit when you feel ready. No girl, and I mean NO girl likes to be chatted up by a stranger on the street. You're better off meeting women in official social situations like a party, a local event, a friendly gathering, office party etc.

[smg15]

I agree with D0nnivain. What is it that you really want? A casual date? A girlfriend? Maybe just a platonic friendship? Don't assume that the person you want will be walking down the street-know what you want, look for someone who has those qualities and commit when you feel ready. No girl, and I mean NO girl likes to be chatted up by a stranger on the street. You're better off meeting women in official social situations like a party, a local event, a friendly gathering, office party etc.

 

Unless he is attractive right? lol

[maverick84]

I agree with D0nnivain. What is it that you really want? A casual date? A girlfriend? Maybe just a platonic friendship? Don't assume that the person you want will be walking down the street-know what you want, look for someone who has those qualities and commit when you feel ready. No girl, and I mean NO girl likes to be chatted up by a stranger on the street. You're better off meeting women in official social situations like a party, a local event, a friendly gathering, office party etc.

 

I beg to differ. I was on a date last night with a girl I approached on the street. It's a funny story because I totally messed up the approach and couldn't think of what to say... and she just looked at me and said 'wanna get a coffee' :-) So there.

 

In a big city like London you can't just walk up to random women on the street. They will think you are a serial killer or rapist.

 

1 or 2 girls did seem unnerved by my approach but I don't really care if they think these things. Worst comes to worst I'll never see them again.

 

Honestly though most girls have been surprisingly friendly when I've approached... hmmm. I'm starting to realise I should have done all this a lot sooner.

[d0nnivain]

Unless he is attractive right? lol

 

 

That would be further proof in my book that he's nefarious because I would conclude he's trading on his looks as a way in.

 

 

But it does depend on the street & whether I've seen him before. In college it would have been fine on my campus. In a big city like London, I'd run.

[maverick84]

That would be further proof in my book that he's nefarious because I would conclude he's trading on his looks as a way in.

 

 

But it does depend on the street & whether I've seen him before. In college it would have been fine on my campus. In a big city like London, I'd run.

 

Yeah it's during the day and in a public place so I don't see why you would run.

 

Also on a college campus anyone can go in so it doesn't make a difference really... my old uni in London - UCL - had plenty of gay cruising hotspots i.e. an unusually high number of anonymous friendly guys hanging around near the toilets.

[d0nnivain]

My college was in the middle of nowhere & way back then it was one of the safest places in the world.

 

 

When I say "run" I don't mean literally. It would freak me out though & I talk to strangers.

[maverick84]

My college was in the middle of nowhere & way back then it was one of the safest places in the world.

 

 

When I say "run" I don't mean literally. It would freak me out though & I talk to strangers.

 

It's actually more nerve wracking to approach the stranger than to be approached in my experience.

 

I do understand the anxiety when a stranger comes up to you though - I've had it before myself but actually regret not stopping to talk. Most people are not serial killers.

 

Anyway when it goes well with a girl it's actually really romantic - the impressions during an approach on the street can go like this... anxiety at the unexpected encounter, comfort after chatting a little bit and then intrigue for the person opposite.

[d0nnivain]

It's actually more nerve wracking to approach the stranger than to be approached in my experience.

 

You think that because you are a guy. In all sexual harassment scenarios the standard for judging the conduct is what would a reasonable woman think because men & women perceive things differently. When a woman you don't know steps into your personal space most men think "hey, she likes me; maybe I'm gonna get lucky!". When a man I don't know or don't know well steps into the personal space of most women, in the most base reptilian parts of her brain, she's on alert wondering if he's going to hurt her.

 

Be the one doing the approaching is active & empowering. Being the one who is getting approached literally makes you prey & that is scary feeling.

[maverick84]

You think that because you are a guy. In all sexual harassment scenarios the standard for judging the conduct is what would a reasonable woman think because men & women perceive things differently. When a woman you don't know steps into your personal space most men think "hey, she likes me; maybe I'm gonna get lucky!". When a man I don't know or don't know well steps into the personal space of most women, in the most base reptilian parts of her brain, she's on alert wondering if he's going to hurt her.

 

Be the one doing the approaching is active & empowering. Being the one who is getting approached literally makes you prey & that is scary feeling.

 

Approaching is empowering if and only IF you can do it confidently and then navigate a potentially very awkward ritual. It is actually a lot harder than it sounds by the way.

 

And by your argument about male and female perspective, it should actually be women approaching men and men just hanging back or waiting - since men are so happy to be approached and women are so fearful of all the potential dangers.

 

From the woman's perspective it's clear being approached all depends on who approaches you and how they approach you. Some guys you find 'creepy' and other guys you find attractive.

 

Look at it this way - regardless of whether you are suspicious/fearful of a random guy coming up to you, would you still disapprove of the approach if you found the guy to be quite attractive looking and just your type?

 

I'm guessing no.

[lana-banana]

I live in a big city. I would have no objection to a handsome guy saying "Nice dress!" or something like that as he walked by. But I'd reject anyone deliberately approaching me and trying to make conversation no matter how handsome he was. The one feels like casual conversation; the other feels like targeting.

 

I just don't think approaching women in the street is a good idea. Bars, restaurants, coffee shops, parks, even libraries seem more likely to yield successes. When I'm walking places, I'm going somewhere. I generally have someplace to be and I don't want to be late. At the very least I have other plans. A street approach also brings up the whole stranger danger factor again. I would be much more receptive to someone if I was in a crowded area where I could conceivably excuse myself and call a friend if I had to. A street just makes me more likely to think "oh god, he's going to walk with me somewhere and I'll never be seen again".

[smg15]

I live in a big city. I would have no objection to a handsome guy saying "Nice dress!" or something like that as he walked by. But I'd reject anyone deliberately approaching me and trying to make conversation no matter how handsome he was. The one feels like casual conversation; the other feels like targeting.

 

I just don't think approaching women in the street is a good idea. Bars, restaurants, coffee shops, parks, even libraries seem more likely to yield successes. When I'm walking places, I'm going somewhere. I generally have someplace to be and I don't want to be late. At the very least I have other plans. A street approach also brings up the whole stranger danger factor again. I would be much more receptive to someone if I was in a crowded area where I could conceivably excuse myself and call a friend if I had to. A street just makes me more likely to think "oh god, he's going to walk with me somewhere and I'll never be seen again".

 

 

I agree with this because it would be kind of weird to stop someone in their tracks while walking down the street. But if she and the guy are waiting for the same bus or at the same coffee shop or park then it's a lot different

[maverick84]

I agree with this because it would be kind of weird to stop someone in their tracks while walking down the street. But if she and the guy are waiting for the same bus or at the same coffee shop or park then it's a lot different

 

If a guy stops you in your tracks and he did it because he likes the look of you then it's not weird at all - it's actually very understandable i.e. finds you attractive enough to act on it.

 

Also it's much more innocent to stop someone in the street because you find them attractive rather than some other reason like you want money, sign up for this or that, promote some crap etc etc etc.