Are divorces inevitable? Are they controlled by fate?

[JoshCube]

I'm just asking, because it seems like mine was based on fate. Our marriage went stale, I stopped paying attention to my wife, and fell in love with another woman. My wife knew about this, and slept with another guy, because she wanted to be loved.

 

Are divorces inevitable, meaning they are outside our control? When a spouse loses interest, its not like its a light switch flicking on or off. Is there a way to prevent from slipping away before its too late?

Edited April 8, 2015 by JoshCube

[carhill]

The only thing that can be inevitable is death. If it's your time to die, well there ya go.

 

Everything else is a choice.

 

FWIW, I know couples just like you describe and they're still married and have been for decades. They faced the choices, made new choices, chose to remain married and have. Will things change tomorrow? Maybe! It's unknown.

[Anela]

No, it isn't inevitable.

[PegNosePete]

it seems like mine was based on fate. Our marriage went stale, I stopped paying attention to my wife, and fell in love with another woman.

Well there you go, you just contradicted your own point. Your divorce was not caused by fate or inevitability, it was caused because you allowed the marriage to go stale, stopped paying attention to your wife, and fell in love with another woman. Your actions caused your divorce. It wasn't a higher power, Minkowski cube, Schrodinger's box or many-worlds interpretation of the universe. It was simply cause and effect.

[elaine567]

I'm just asking, because it seems like mine was based on fate. Our marriage went stale, I stopped paying attention to my wife, and fell in love with another woman. My wife knew about this, and slept with another guy, because she wanted to be loved.

 

Are divorces inevitable, meaning they are outside our control? When a spouse loses interest, its not like its a light switch flicking on or off. Is there a way to prevent from slipping away before its too late?

 

YOU allowed your marriage to go stale

YOU stopped paying attention to our wife

YOU fell in love with another woman

YOU cheated

 

SHE felt unloved, by YOU.

SHE found out YOU cheated

SHE decided to pay YOU back by having a revenge affair.

 

Forget fate, look at how many YOUs there are in there.

[Lion Heart]

Josh I think the above posters got the lot.

 

Lion Heart

Quals:

3 x married

ExWH - 1 child

Current WH - 3 children

Still married! Choices.

[Diezel]

I'm just asking, because it seems like mine was based on fate. Our marriage went stale, I stopped paying attention to my wife, and fell in love with another woman. My wife knew about this, and slept with another guy, because she wanted to be loved.

 

Are divorces inevitable, meaning they are outside our control? When a spouse loses interest, its not like its a light switch flicking on or off. Is there a way to prevent from slipping away before its too late?

 

This whole post is a contradiction.

 

Everything in the first two sentences was under your control at some point. So if by "fate", you mean, you two screwed up your own marriage, then sure... "fate".

 

I hate this third party designation people give to shirk their responsibility within any given situation. It was "fate", "karma", the "universe falling into place". Whatever.

 

It was an avoidable situation. Not a random act.

[Rewan]

I admit that I've never been married, Josh, but I've known a lot of people who have been and also a lot of people that have been divorced. So I kind of have a little bit different take on the situation.

 

The way I see it, fate or some kind of chance does bring the right people together. We don't always know how or why it pairs us with the people that it does, but when its right, it does seem to just click. But that does not mean that we don't also have the ability to make mistakes from time to time or even get thrown a curve ball. Sometimes we make decisions we think are going to work and turn out to be painful mistakes. Other times, we make decisions and find out that, as we grow as human beings, what we originally wanted isn't necessarily what we need. Then there are the ones that don't alter their decisions and are happy in their marriage choice.

 

I think the second option was what happened to you and your wife. You both had to see something in each other to want to be married, right? But as you've grown, maybe you both found that what the other is able to give you isn't necessarily what you need around you. Maybe you found it with the new woman, and maybe she found it with the new man. It doesn't mean that you were destined for divorce, but it does mean that you both grew into different people who want/need different things.

 

In short, I'd say that divorce isn't inevitable. I'd say that it just happens sometimes. I hope that makes sense. :S

[oldshirt]

Divorce is a choice and it is a lot of work and entails a lot of effort and expense. There for it is a conscious choice and action. It is never inevitable.

 

People having yearnings for sexual contact with people other than their spouse is inevitable but it's what you do with those yearnings is also a choice. People have the following options for dealing with their yearnings for strange -

 

- Just suck it up and live with it without acting on it. Yearnings and desires are inevitable. Acting on them are a choice. You can choose not to do it and only have contact with your spouse. This is what monogamy is.

 

- divorce and find someone else. Then you can be with that person untill the yearnings get too strong and then split up and find someone else again. This is serial monogamy.

 

-cheat. This is going outside the marriage without the spouses knowledge and/or consent.

 

- open marriage. This is where people can get poontang outside of the marriage but with their spouses knowledge and consent within certain parameters.

 

-swinging. This is where couples engage in sexual activity with other people, often other couples, together as a group activity.

 

-polyamory. This is something of a communal arrangement where more than two people are in the relationship with the knowledge and consent of all involved. These can be committed and exclusive relationships and may last multiple years, they just involve 3 or more people.

 

Those are the options. Divorce can be an option, but it is no where near the only option and it certainly isn't inevitable.

[oldshirt]

......and I also need to add, all of those options have their own set of benefits as well as their own set of drawbacks. All of them have their own challenges and require work and effort to make it work.

 

All of them have potential for disaster and all them can be affirming as well as heartbreaking.

[No Limit]

If neither of the married ones know how to behave in a relationship - then yes, your marriage is doomed from the get go.

[JoshCube]

YOU allowed your marriage to go stale

YOU stopped paying attention to our wife

YOU fell in love with another woman

YOU cheated

 

SHE felt unloved, by YOU.

SHE found out YOU cheated

SHE decided to pay YOU back by having a revenge affair.

 

Forget fate, look at how many YOUs there are in there.

 

- I stopped paying attention to her, because I was unhappy.

 

- Because that woman does not disrespect me.

 

- Cheated? Yes. Adultery? Hell no.

 

- Old Testament/Torah does not recognize an EA as adultery.

 

- U.S. Courts do not recognize an EA as adultery.

 

SHE is the REAL cheater here. If she loved me, she would have pulled me away from the woman that was trying to take me. She saw the signs, and she didn't.

[Anela]

- I stopped paying attention to her, because I was unhappy.

 

- Because that woman does not disrespect me.

 

- Cheated? Yes. Adultery? Hell no.

 

- Old Testament/Torah does not recognize an EA as adultery.

 

- U.S. Courts do not recognize an EA as adultery.

 

SHE is the REAL cheater here. If she loved me, she would have pulled me away from the woman that was trying to take me. She saw the signs, and she didn't.

 

WTF? How is she responsible for your choices?

[JoshCube]

WTF? How is she responsible for your choices?

 

I TOLD her to pull me if she saw me slipping to another woman. She failed, and this is why this has happened.

 

Yes, I am responsible being the man of the house, but I assigned her to this duty.

[ArtIsMyThing]

are you even serious - surely you have to be pulling everyones legs - this has to be be one of those status's to get everyone going - surely

[PegNosePete]

Josh, say hello to Abu Simbel for me. You are so far in DeNile it's ridiculous.

[Trimmer]

I TOLD her to pull me if she saw me slipping to another woman. She failed, and this is why this has happened.

 

Yes, I am responsible being the man of the house, but I assigned her to this duty.

She did "pull you" out of such a situation more than once in the past, correct?

 

So for her to "fail" would imply that she had an intended goal (to "save you") again this time, which she did not reach.

 

I would suggest that she had no such goal this time. It seems pretty clear that she got tired of your behavior within your marriage and this time, her goal was to let you go and be finished with you.

 

Within that framework, she succeeded.

 

You failed yet another time, and that's why this has happened. As a result, she has succeeded in moving on with her life.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Trimmer

[Rewan]

I TOLD her to pull me if she saw me slipping to another woman. She failed, and this is why this has happened.

 

Yes, I am responsible being the man of the house, but I assigned her to this duty.

 

Okay, I can't hold my tongue about this because I disagree with this so much..

 

In relationships, both people must be able to be a separate person able to think, act, and speak for themselves. The relationship partner, then, is the complement to that person. Sometimes the complement ends up being a complete opposite, and sometimes it's someone who thinks and acts almost exactly alike. The point it that, regardless of how they pair up, neither person has to emotionally rely on the other to be complete.

 

By telling her that it's her job to "pull you" if you start to stray, you're dooming the relationship from the beginning because of the fact that you're implying that you're not in charge of your own actions, making you co-dependent. You accept no responsibility and place it on her, and now you're blaming her because you couldn't stay faithful. You chose to have your affair. You chose not to pay attention to your wife. You chose to put yourself in this position. Thus, where you are at now is a direct result of yourself. Of your choices.

 

If you're ever going to have a healthy relationship with someone, you must start stepping up and taking responsibility for your own actions. This means putting your own feelings of self-worth and responsibilities on your shoulders- not on your wife's. It's not fair to her because she's not supposed to control you. That's not how a healthy relationship works.

 

She didn't fail you. You failed yourself.

[LifeNomad]

josh if you know your slipping you catch yourself its up to you 2 decide what you do with your actions.

Edited April 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Josh is a troll - three day vacation

[Echo74]

No I do not think that divorce is fate OR inevitable. People simply are blinded and/or they make poor choices. And of course some people shouldn't marry at all.