oldshirt Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 However, I'm considering a version where I use this time to decide whether I stay and accept a sexless relationship or leave and possibly find a better partnership. That is exactly what I am talking about. Mark a date on a calender whether it is 6 months or whatever and free yourself from trying to initiate with him and use that time to soul-search and also to start getting your affairs in order. If 6 months goes by and he hasn't said a peep or lifted a finger to have any contact, then you know where things stand and then you can decide whether you want to live a sexless marriage with a man that has no desire or you can decide to move on and find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 What this moratorium on sex will do is expose whether he has any sexual interest or initiative of his own or not, or whether he is just appeasing her a handful of times a year to shut her up. If he goes 3, 4, 5, 6 months without saying boo about it, then she has her answer that this is a guy she is never going to have an active sex life with. She has already proven she can nag and bug him and take the bull by the horns and get him to appease her once every few months. What this will do is show whether he has any interest or initiative on his own or not. Then she can decide whether she wants to spend the rest of her life doing backflips and underwater somersaults to get him to put out a handful of times a year or whether she doesn't want to jump through all those hoops and hurdles and would rather get one of the three billion other men in the world that actually want a sex life and would be glad to have it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 It is manipulative. Making a partner wonder if you are faithful, IMO, is a horrible idea in any situation. I'm not talking about doing something manipulative. Just reminding him that he has a sexy fun wife, and that if he doesn't want to take advantage of that, someone else might. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 .....one of the things some of you "try-to-work-it-out!" people aren't getting is when you want a sex life with someone, you don't just want to borrow their body to masturbate with a handful of times a year. You want them to actually WANT to be with you as well. If someone goes months without lifting a finger to be with you, it means they don't. Once you have that information then you can make an informed decision and either stay with someone who doesn't want you the way you want, or whether to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I'm not talking about doing something manipulative. Just reminding him that he has a sexy fun wife, and that if he doesn't want to take advantage of that, someone else might. That may work for someone who is simply lazy and self absorbed with their own stuff and taking their partner for granted. For someone that truly has no interest in it or doesn't have any desire for their partner, it probably won't. That technique can work wonders on women who have just gotten lazy and take their husbands for granted and have placed their husbands on the #32 position of their priority list behind pulling the grass out of the cracks in the sidewalk and helping their second cousin Cindy weed her garden. For men who don't actually have a libido of their own and have no innate desire for their wife, they're more likely to just get pissed off and delve deeper into their own world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 sosa check BPD disorder , he might be one No offense but that's become the stock diagnosis for every LoveShack problem. For something that only affects 1-2% of the population, it seems to be very commonly invoked... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 That may work for someone who is simply lazy and self absorbed with their own stuff and taking their partner for granted. For someone that truly has no interest in it or doesn't have any desire for their partner, it probably won't. That technique can work wonders on women who have just gotten lazy and take their husbands for granted and have placed their husbands on the #32 position of their priority list behind pulling the grass out of the cracks in the sidewalk and helping their second cousin Cindy weed her garden. For men who don't actually have a libido of their own and have no innate desire for their wife, they're more likely to just get pissed off and delve deeper into their own world. True... I'm just grasping at straws now. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 No offense but that's become the stock diagnosis for every LoveShack problem. For something that only affects 1-2% of the population, it seems to be very commonly invoked... Mr. Lucky Not to mention that nothing the OP has said about her husband has anything to do with BPD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Not to mention that nothing the OP has said about her husband has anything to do with BPD. Yeah, don't think its bpd. I'm familiar with personality disorders, as my mother has narcissitic pd and I've done a ton of research on that and similar cluster b pd's. There is some sort of emotional or psychological disconnect with him when it comes to sex or discussing sex. I'm hoping that counseling will help get to the bottom of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Do you even READ the thread? She's been giving him chances. He doesn't WANT THEM. Marriages aren't marriages of ONE person. He doesn't want to fix it. How is it going to work when she is the only one trying? That's not trying to save a marriage, that's called prolonging the inevitable. If she wants to take 6 months, so be it, but the results are NOT going to change, no matter what any of you say that she needs to try for X,Y,Z reason. If anything, she can use 6 months to tidy up her personal affairs to move on. It worries me sometimes, when I see people give advice based on over months and months of her trying on her own and then give her an additional timeline and when someone who has clear experience of being in a situation like this and says, HEY PROLONG YOUR AGONY BECAUSE MARRIAGE. It's unfair to the OP, and you guys don't even understand HOW unfair. If the specific purpose of waiting 6 months is to measure any chance... all she'll accomplish is coming to the conclusion that she should have left 5 months sooner. True, but that may be what she needs to make the decision. When people talk about counseling, and shaving her Jay-Jay and buying new lingerie and high heels, it gives hope and can make a person think there's some kind of magic combination that will suddenly flip a switch. When you go 6 months and he hasn't lifted a finger, then you know. Once that has occurred then you don't lay awake at night night after you've moved out wondering if you should've tried something else. Yes, at that point people realize they waited 5 months too long or perhaps even several years too long. But sometimes that What people need to do to have that "Ah HAH" moment and the light comes on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 are you guys seriously suggesting the OP go 6 months without sex? how exactly is she supposed to get thru that without gnawing the furniture? Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 just my opinion, but he can get counseling and do any number of other things, and please correct me if I am wrong op, a bif part of this is that seeing him want to try because he wants you to be happy because he loves you. What if he really puts in an effort and still his libido doesn't change? What if this is just who he is? There's nothing wrong with his having a low sex drive that pe se, as he didn't ask for the cards nature dealt him. The issue is that it isn't syncing up with yours, and there is nothing wrong with you either. It may come down to a situation where there is nothing wrong with either one of you, you just aren't compatible in that area. If that is the case, how will you handle it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 just my opinion, but he can get counseling and do any number of other things, and please correct me if I am wrong op, a bif part of this is that seeing him want to try because he wants you to be happy because he loves you. What if he really puts in an effort and still his libido doesn't change? What if this is just who he is? There's nothing wrong with his having a low sex drive that pe se, as he didn't ask for the cards nature dealt him. The issue is that it isn't syncing up with yours, and there is nothing wrong with you either. It may come down to a situation where there is nothing wrong with either one of you, you just aren't compatible in that area. If that is the case, how will you handle it? I've no idea what I will do if his sd is just totally kaput. I'm only asking for 1 or 2 times per month, which is pretty low already. Im keeping my options open, at this time. Thinking of journaling through this on this forum. If we just discover he just has no interest, then I guess I will need to decide on divorce or propose some sort of arrangement. I know I can't just live without it. Link to post Share on other sites
Castlemate Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 No offense but that's become the stock diagnosis for every LoveShack problem. For something that only affects 1-2% of the population, it seems to be very commonly invoked... Mr. Lucky So true... Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 are you guys seriously suggesting the OP go 6 months without sex? how exactly is she supposed to get thru that without gnawing the furniture? She's already gnawing the furniture and chronically frustrated now. If it gives her clarity on where things are and what she needs to do, then it's time well spent. Besides, people are just using 6 months as an example. It could be 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years. It's about what she finds acceptable or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Exactly, he should actually be the one keeping a calendar, if that's what it takes for him to remember or finding some other way to be proactive in this area. It feels like he just doesn't care about my needs. Or, he's hoping they'll go away. That's my husband too. Wants everything neat, doesn't care about my needs regarding intimacy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 That's my husband too. Wants everything neat, doesn't care about my needs regarding intimacy. I meant F_*_*_* Intimacy left the building a long time ago. I would like some F_*_*_*. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 From what she has shared here, the OP's husband seems like a self absorbed person who only cares for his needs and his well being, and he makes a tiny only effort to meet his wife's needs, but only those he THINKS she has and only when those are the same with what he is willing to give. For example he considers it a sacrifice from his part to watch even 20 minutes of a movie he dislikes just cause his wife likes it, but that's it, not even another one minute. This is what he is willing to sacrifice to keep his wife happy. When it comes to sex, I'm sure he knows her needs but he is just too selfish to try and make sacrifices from his own well being to make her happy. Counselling will help him realize that in a marriage he has to do sacrifices and he can't behave like he was when he was single. I think this is the root of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Counselling will help him realize that in a marriage he has to do sacrifices and he can't behave like he was when he was single. No. It won't. I was married to her husband for almost 20 yearfs (ok not that man in particular, but he is EXACTLY like my husband was). If a doctor told us that stage 3 cancer needed chemo no one would say, "can't you try nutrition first?" Dreaming, me, others....we KNOW this story. It ISN'T a fairy tale that counseling will fix. No matter how uncomfortable that is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 No. It won't. I was married to her husband for almost 20 yearfs (ok not that man in particular, but he is EXACTLY like my husband was). If a doctor told us that stage 3 cancer needed chemo no one would say, "can't you try nutrition first?" Dreaming, me, others....we KNOW this story. It ISN'T a fairy tale that counseling will fix. No matter how uncomfortable that is. I'm sorry but I think you and I are not the ones to make this decision for the OP. In my opinion selfish people CAN change when they realize how their actions make their partners sad and miserable. You stayed for 20 years, you gave it all you had, you failed. Lets let the OP give it all she is willing to give before calling it quits, shall we? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm sorry but I think you and I are not the ones to make this decision for the OP. In my opinion selfish people CAN change when they realize how their actions make their partners sad and miserable. You stayed for 20 years, you gave it all you had, you failed. Lets let the OP give it all she is willing to give before calling it quits, shall we? Actually, I didn't fail...HE did. That is really the whole point. If the OP gives it all she has like she's doing now and it works that will be wonderful. If not, it won't be her failure. It will be HIS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Actually, I didn't fail...HE did. That is really the whole point. If the OP gives it all she has like she's doing now and it works that will be wonderful. If not, it won't be her failure. It will be HIS. Respectfully, it not the fault of either of them, but the situation. If he really doesn't have much of a sex drive at all, or there is some psychological reason he doesn't want sex, then I wouldn't say that he failed, more that it's two people who do love each other but are not compatible in this essential area. They will either have to find a "work around" that meets both their needs, or decide what next steps to take. If he's purposely withholding sex to hurt her, which based on what she says isn't really the case ( she says he's not into watching porn that much, she doesn't think he's cheating, and he's good to her in a lot of other ways) then he is a failure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Actually, I didn't fail...HE did. That is really the whole point. If the OP gives it all she has like she's doing now and it works that will be wonderful. If not, it won't be her failure. It will be HIS. What I meant to say is, you failed at the effort to make your marriage work. A success or failure in a marriage takes two, always. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 No offense but that's become the stock diagnosis for every LoveShack problem. For something that only affects 1-2% of the population, it seems to be very commonly invoked... Mr. Lucky Agree Mr Lucky , But if her husband issue is not physical ; either he doesn't love her or has some personality disorder ... In my 18 years of my marriage , I would never turn an offer down even though my marriage was rocky .... I Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Agree Mr Lucky , But if her husband issue is not physical ; either he doesn't love her or has some personality disorder ... Or his loves her in his own selfish way. Or he's a procrastinator. Or he's in denial. None of these are personality disorders... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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