truncated Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 The above mindset is a choice. I DESPISE picking up random socks. You know how I kept from getting resentful? When I would bend over for the 20th time to pick up a sock, I would remind myself that my ex liked a neat house and clean laundry, and that when I picked up that sock I was showing love to him. I used to hate having to analyze every possible outcome for every decision - even which restaurant to go to. But he was a thinker and analyzer. I realized when I let him talk out all the options on things I might find trivial, I was showing him love. A person without a drive who sees meeting their spouse's need as a chore is CHOOSING to see it that way. OP, what do you mean when you say "no sex"? Do you mean no intercourse, or no oral sex, hand sex or other substitute if intercourse is not possible for him? Maybe it comes down to him being impotent, and if you want intercourse,e all the love for you and wantingt to make you happy in the world may not be enough to make him physically capable of meeting your needs. Is it possible that he is impotent and ashamed of that? If you'd be fine with other forms of physical intimacy ( e.g.-oral) does he know this? If not, maybe knowing that would make things easier for him. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 The above mindset is a choice. I DESPISE picking up random socks. You know how I kept from getting resentful? When I would bend over for the 20th time to pick up a sock, I would remind myself that my ex liked a neat house and clean laundry, and that when I picked up that sock I was showing love to him. I used to hate having to analyze every possible outcome for every decision - even which restaurant to go to. But he was a thinker and analyzer. I realized when I let him talk out all the options on things I might find trivial, I was showing him love. A person without a drive who sees meeting their spouse's need as a chore is CHOOSING to see it that way. It's been said in this thread that comparing sex to anything else (e,g,-food) is not helpful. Neither is comparing it to picking up socks, choosing a restaurant or anything else. It's a physical thing and a low drive person can't force themsleves to want sex, or, in the case of a man, perform intercourse. If it was as simple as that, there'll be no Viagra. They may be able to go through the motions, but it might be a very hollow act. This is not meant as a slight against high drive people or anyone else. No one really knows why the man in this situation has such a low sex drive. I wonder if he even knows himself? Maybe in the end, it doesn't matter. He is who he is and may not be able to change. That doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, and she doesn't love him, just that , in this area, tey are not compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Dear , I am sorry to know that you suffered so long ; I am on the sme boat with my wife ; which recently changed little bit toward positive situation ; the only thing that changed it was a seperation period of 4-5 month ; were I stayed at home but acted as if she doesn't exist ; no resentment , just roommates ; then one day I threw a ball at her hands . I just want to mention that LD spouses don't feel the desire ; they just don't feel the urge ; just like someone who lost his smelling sense. The bad thing is that when LD+selfish ; they even do not care about changing ... Micell if this is your real pic , he must be blind too:) I know he loved me but I've always equated sex and physical intimacy with love whereas he didn't and still doesn't. I have no doubt my ex husband loved me but clearly not enough to want to change or even talk about changing or doing whatever it took to find a compromise that made both of us happy. I always felt like I was the one with the problem and he was the normal one. This may be the case with the OP as well. Sometimes loving each other isn't enough. And yes, that pic is indeed me. If my ex didn't realize what he had when he had me he does now. Unfortunately too late for the both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 No one really knows why the man in this situation has such a low sex drive. I wonder if he even knows himself? Maybe in the end, it doesn't matter. He is who he is and may not be able to change. That doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, and she doesn't love him, just that , in this area, tey are not compatible. He doesn't know, himself. I've asked him to examine his feelings and try to discover what it is that is causing it. He says he still fantasizes about me, sexually, and that he does think of me that way. Sex is just low on his priority list. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 I have no doubt my ex husband loved me but clearly not enough to want to change or even talk about changing or doing whatever it took to find a compromise that made both of us happy. I always felt like I was the one with the problem and he was the normal one. Exactly. He makes me feel like I'm a nymphomaniac, when, in reality, I'm only looking for 1-2 times per month. My biggest fear about leaving is that I'm LD myself (see frequency requested above), and it seems difficult to even match to another LD person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 OP, what do you mean when you say "no sex"? Do you mean no intercourse, or no oral sex, hand sex or other substitute if intercourse is not possible for him? Maybe it comes down to him being impotent, and if you want intercourse,e all the love for you and wanting to make you happy in the world may not be enough to make him physically capable of meeting your needs. Is it possible that he is impotent and ashamed of that? If you'd be fine with other forms of physical intimacy ( e.g.-oral) does he know this? If not, maybe knowing that would make things easier for him. I mean no sexual contact at all (for 1-3 months at a time). He has a preference for non-intercourse activities, and I'm fine with that. I would love to have intercourse, but it's not a deal breaker. I find the sex satisfying, when we have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I mean no sexual contact at all (for 1-3 months at a time). He has a preference for non-intercourse activities, and I'm fine with that. I would love to have intercourse, but it's not a deal breaker. I find the sex satisfying, when we have it. OP, I think this says it all. At this point you might be better off taking what you can get when you get it and just hope that your already LD dampens even further to that of your husband's. Then you'll be a match made in heaven Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I mean no sexual contact at all (for 1-3 months at a time). He has a preference for non-intercourse activities, and I'm fine with that. I would love to have intercourse, but it's not a deal breaker. I find the sex satisfying, when we have it. Dear SOsad so during lets say 3 month , you are fine with couple of month without intimacy ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Dear SOsad so during lets say 3 month , you are fine with couple of month without intimacy ? No, I'm fine with the non-intercourse preference of my husband. I'm here because I can't take 1-3 months of no sex. I've stated that 1-2 times per month would work for me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 No, I'm fine with the non-intercourse preference of my husband. I'm here because I can't take 1-3 months of no sex. I've stated that 1-2 times per month would work for me. Has he always been a non- intercourse type of man or is this relatively new? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Has he always been a non- intercourse type of man or is this relatively new? He's been this way for the last 6 years, at least. He's says he's always been this way. Nothing new, to my point of view and in my relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 He's been this way for the last 6 years, at least. He's says he's always been this way. Nothing new, to my point of view and in my relationship with him. Ok, I was wondering if he had a bad back or arthritis maybe that had got worse. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 He's been this way for the last 6 years, at least. He's says he's always been this way. Nothing new, to my point of view and in my relationship with him. So how come weren't you worried about this matter before you even married him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I'm not trying to be facetious, but is their any chance he could be gay and trying to repress it? Something just isn't adding up. From what you say, he has always had a low sex drive, and now it's dropped off to zero, and he prefers other forms of sexual contact to intercourse. It sounds like you are doing your best to try and work through the problem, but it's not really having an effect. According to many men, if they get an opportunity to have sex, they will take it, especially if they aren't having sex very much to start with, yet he isn't taking you up on your offers. I could see it being a control issue if he only had sex with you on his terms when he wanted to, but from what you say, even that isn't happening. Something is just really off here, and based on what you say, it's not you. The times that you did have sex, was he happy to let you do things to him, or was it more focused on you? Just wondering, as if he wasn't he may be almost "asexual" ( is that the right term)? I knew a guy like that once. no interest at all in women, none in men, none in anything except computer games ( he was really socially awkward, and I think he found it easier than having to socialize with real people) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I used to know a guy who was a university teacher. On the first date with a woman they had sex and she got pregnant, then got married, had the kid. This woma had told my mother who was her friend that since that first time they had sex and she got pregnant they never had sex again. We all thought for years that he was gay, but after many years another friend of his told me that this guy was sleeping with young girls in the university so he wasn't gay and that he didn't want to have sex with his wife cause she is a very dynamic woman who swears a lot and he doesn't find this attractive. I found this story really really strange and the OP's story reminded it to me. Though in OP's case I just think that there's something emotional going on with the OP's husband and he chooses to convince himself that he doesn't need sex anymore and quit it than try and resolve his issue cause maybe he is ashamed of it. Link to post Share on other sites
dannienoes Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I'm new here and reading this thread with much interest. I am in a relatively new relationship...moved 400 miles to live with him after 8 months of phone calls and texts...most of which were sexually charged. Now he is a hardworking guy...very physical work...and he's 61. His days are 10 to 12 hours long...not counting an hour commute each way. Not wanting to commandeer the OP's thread, I just wanted to point out that in my case...he's just dog tired. And he admits it. I find myself initiating sex much more than he does, however, once he gets going he has no problem. I think we are both fairly LD types, I'm good with once a week or so...but my concern is this is a new relationship, and I find myself wanting him a bit more often than he wants me....at least right now. I hope it never dwindles down to almost nothing. I so crave the closeness it affords me even if it doesn't become sexual. Thanks for the forum...most interesting Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 So how come weren't you worried about this matter before you even married him? Like most of us, she probably thought it would get better after marriage ro that if SHE was "good enough" he would want her. Blaming the victim might make someone who doesn't value sex feel better, but it probably doesn't help the OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 We need to keep in mind Mr Sosad is a guy. He's not a chick so that means that it doesn't matter if his back hurts or if he has arthritis or if he has a bad day at work. It also doesn't matter if he isn't getting the attention or validation he wants. It doesn't matter if the house is clean or if there are dirty dishes in the sink. It doesn't matter if Sosad is affectionate or pleasant outside of the bedroom. Those are all chick issues. Those are what make women less responsive sexually. Men's sexualities function completely independent of all of those other factors. A healthy, heterosexual male only needs a receptive female that he finds desirable to have sex. That means that assuming he doesn't have some kind of medical issue, isn't getting his needs completely and utterly met by another woman or porn and assuming he isn't completely homosexual, there are only two logical reasons he is so uninterested sexually in Sosad - - he finds her completely unattractive. - he is a dud male. Seeing how he's in his 40s and never had a prior LTR and seeing how she hasn't put on 50 + lbs or stopped showering since they married, that leaves him being a dud. They are out there. They do walk among us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Sure, it's possible, but I haven't found anything to the contrary that he's anything but hetero. In fact, early on, I snooped his bachelor pad pretty thoroughly. Ironically, the only thing I found of a sexual nature was the book "She Comes First", a book on pleasing women, sexually. If he has a fetish, the only thing I've found is that it's about oral sex. No problem for me, there... Something reminded me of this post you made awhile back. When you searched his bachelor pad back then, what was on your mind the most and what were you the most concerned about??? Were you afraid you'd find evidence of another woman? Were you afraid you'd find evidence he was a playa'? Were you afraid you'd find evidence he had been with other men? Were you afraid he was into bondage/S&M/ dungeons, whips and chains etc? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 So how come weren't you worried about this matter before you even married him? By "this way" I mean preferring oral sex, not the zero sex drive. I wasn't worried because oral is fine by me. I have endometriosis which makes intercourse painful, often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 Something reminded me of this post you made awhile back. When you searched his bachelor pad back then, what was on your mind the most and what were you the most concerned about??? Were you afraid you'd find evidence of another woman? Were you afraid you'd find evidence he was a playa'? Were you afraid you'd find evidence he had been with other men? Were you afraid he was into bondage/S&M/ dungeons, whips and chains etc? I was looking for any of those things, but especially porn. I had previously divorced due to his abuse of porn (he was seriously addicted) and I wanted to be sure I wasnt walking into another relationship with another porn addict. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 . I have endometriosis which makes intercourse painful, often. well, don't you think that him knowing you have pain during intercourse migh be turning him off? that is a pretty big fact to withhold from the conversation! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sosadaboutus Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 well, don't you think that him knowing you have pain during intercourse migh be turning him off? that is a pretty big fact to withhold from the conversation! Just another reason this is my fault, huh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 This isn't blaming you or him. No one is at fault. If he is turned off by getting pleasure out of your pain that's reasonable and I would say healthy. Obviously the pain is not that bad for you if you want intercourse more often. So maybe it would help him to know this. He could need your reassurance. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Just another reason this is my fault, huh? It's not about fault. It's about potential contributing factors. That is a pretty big potential elephant in the room that was left out of the discussion. If you have been squirming and grimacing and calling for time outs during sex, that could totaly turn him off from it. This is a medical factor that should have been mentioned in page one or two. It may not be the end all be all factor to this issue but it could easily be a significant contributing factor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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