So sad - sexless marriage

[sosadaboutus]

This isn't blaming you or him. No one is at fault. If he is turned off by getting pleasure out of your pain that's reasonable and I would say healthy. Obviously the pain is not that bad for you if you want intercourse more often. So maybe it would help him to know this. He could need your reassurance.

 

his preference is oral, which does not cause pain for me. This was not a turnoff in the start of our relationship, and I've had endo the whole time. In fact, it's more well managed for me pain wise now, versus when we started our relationship.

[truncated]

his preference is oral, which does not cause pain for me. This was not a turnoff in the start of our relationship, and I've had endo the whole time. In fact, it's more well managed for me pain wise now, versus when we started our relationship.

 

 

I almost hate to ask it, but is there any chance that he was sexually abused as a child or that his family led him to believe sex was "dirty"?

[loveboid]

I've had endo the whole time. In fact, it's more well managed for me pain wise now, versus when we started our relationship.

 

If this is any part of the problem this would be a reassurance to him. He's aware that you have endo that is well managed pain wise now?

[autumnnight]

well, don't you think that him knowing you have pain during intercourse migh be turning him off? that is a pretty big fact to withhold from the conversation!

 

No it's not. Look, I get that people are programmed to assume it's the starving person's fault they are starving. It almost never is, even when the genders are reversed.

 

Bottom line, this person made a promise to love and cherish his wife, and he isn't. He knows what she needs, and he is choosing not to meet those needs.

 

This isn't about deep buried psychology or some secret flaw the OP has. This is about a selfish man.

 

There are several women on this thread (including myself) who have lived this. It ain't about a shortcoming on the part of the OP or something she "should have known" or some deep secret a special snowflake therapist is going to dig out.

 

This man will not love his wife the way she needs to be loved, and nature or not, it IS his choice.

[oldshirt]

No it's not. Look, I get that people are programmed to assume it's the starving person's fault they are starving. It almost never is, even when the genders are reversed.

 

Bottom line, this person made a promise to love and cherish his wife, and he isn't. He knows what she needs, and he is choosing not to meet those needs.

 

This isn't about deep buried psychology or some secret flaw the OP has. This is about a selfish man.

 

There are several women on this thread (including myself) who have lived this. It ain't about a shortcoming on the part of the OP or something she "should have known" or some deep secret a special snowflake therapist is going to dig out.

 

This man will not love his wife the way she needs to be loved, and nature or not, it IS his choice.

 

 

It's a significant fact to withhold. It's probably not the end all be all answer to a complex problem, but it could very well be a contributing factor.

 

If she was grimacing and grunting and pushing him off her and was clearly not enjoying the sex with him, that can be a total turnoff even though it wasn't anyone's "fault."

 

Guys may be horny and want sex all the time, but when some gal is looking, sounding and acting like they are being interrogated by the Spanish Inquisition, it's a total turnoff.

[pteromom]

Except she said that oral has always been his preference over intercourse.

 

So there is SOME reason he doesn't want intercourse. Could the pain issue be part of it ---maybe ---if the first sexual encounters with him caused pain and he wanted to avoid more of that.

 

But it isn't THE problem - because if he was desiring sex, he could come to her and get a BJ.

 

He doesn't want ANYTHING. And worse than that, he isn't willing to do anything at all to satisfy HER. She says she is good with just oral, and he can't be bothered to take a little time to do that for her once in a while - it's a problem.

[pteromom]

Just another reason this is my fault, huh?

 

This is definitely not your fault.

 

Even if you "did" something to lead to his lack of interest (which is most likely not the case), it is still his responsibility to communicate with you and work with you to try to resolve it.

 

This is his fault.

[sosadaboutus]

It's a significant fact to withhold. It's probably not the end all be all answer to a complex problem, but it could very well be a contributing factor.

 

If she was grimacing and grunting and pushing him off her and was clearly not enjoying the sex with him, that can be a total turnoff even though it wasn't anyone's "fault."

 

Guys may be horny and want sex all the time, but when some gal is looking, sounding and acting like they are being interrogated by the Spanish Inquisition, it's a total turnoff.

 

Don't you think that would have put ME off sex, first? That is not what is happening, because of his preference for oral (which he told me from the beginning). There was no grimacing or pushing him off, etc. it's not like that.

[SummerDreams]

I'm not sure why we keep repeating the same things over and over again. The fact is this man should visit a counselor and discover what his real problem is, if he indeed has one. This is the fact that has to be done. What he used to do and what he used to like is not important. The important thing is that his wife is not satisfied and he should show his love by finding himself an IC.

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure why we keep repeating the same things over and over again. The fact is this man should visit a counselor and discover what his real problem is, if he indeed has one. This is the fact that has to be done. What he used to do and what he used to like is not important. The important thing is that his wife is not satisfied and he should show his love by finding himself an IC.

 

If he would actually commit to using IC as a means of learning how to love his wife I agree 100%.

 

I will share that in MY case (which may or may not apply to anyone else), he used one sentence that the therapist said to just wave as a withholding banner. The therapist reassured him that it wasn't all that uncommon for the man to be the lower drive partner. After that, my ex heard nothing else that was said. He heard the therapist say he wasn't the only guy who didn't care about sex, which made him "just fine," which he threw at me as the reason he didn't NEED to change anything.

 

So I freely admit I am probably nervous on the OP's behalf because of my own stuff.

[pteromom]

The therapist reassured him that it wasn't all that uncommon for the man to be the lower drive partner. After that, my ex heard nothing else that was said. He heard the therapist say he wasn't the only guy who didn't care about sex, which made him "just fine," which he threw at me as the reason he didn't NEED to change anything.

 

That really sucks!

 

It IS nice to hear that you aren't alone, and aren't a weirdo freak for the way you feel - so I can understand his reaction in that way.

 

But not being a weirdo freak doesn't absolve you of your responsibility to try to make your relationship better. It doesn't mean you get to check out of the relationship and leave your partner lonely and frustrated.

 

So his feelings were understandable - but his reaction to those feelings was still wrong.

[Phoenician]

So if a Hubby or wife are LD and don't feel anything , it is normal that they even abuse their partners by depriving them from sex; well I don't care of the therapist is the most famous in the world ; but no ; its is not normal ; it is normal that a person could have a realtively low desire ; but is is not normal that he/she would abuse the partner in the most ugly ways .

 

i have been a sexually abused husband , it the worst ever feeling ; it is more difficult than anything ; I have been through war , A tumor and so many catastrophes ; sex deprivation was the worst.

[Phoenician]

let me summarize few things :

-you did all kind of things to please your husband and he is still cold.

-he doesn't really remeber when last time you made love.

-he doesn't initiate ...

 

you remind me of my case before having a real deal breaker :

 

-the more you talk about it the less you get .

-you can drive a horse to the water but never make him drink .

-you do his favorites but he still abuse you .

 

 

well i never had a BJ in 17 years , the only couple of times where with a condom .

-she hates my cum if it reaches her body .

 

and still , after 3 month deal breaker , she did a great effort and made more encounters; or actually more acceptance to my initiation ; yet i still didnt get a bj ; the thing I dreamt of for years .

 

who is the abuser ?

 

me ?

in your case , how long you will continue to be abused ?

until what , your desire goes down near your menaupause ?

 

op , u can get more frequency may be with a real deal breaker ; but your partner has a Personnel disorder ; if he doesn't work on it ; you will not get anywhere ; stop denial dear .

 

it is amazing how things goes ; a selfich abuser is fine ; for me i see it worth than cheating

[autumnnight]

until what , your desire goes down near your menaupause

 

This is something that does not always happen. It didn't happen with my mom. BUT my ex did make remarks basically saying that he would be glad when I hit menopause so this would "stop being an issue."

 

OP, I know this is a high emotion thread. But I do hope you are taking care of you and realizing that this is not something you caused and that you do not need to be searching for the magic perfection key to make him want you. Those things were very freeing for me when I finally realized the TRUTH of them.

[oldshirt]

Don't you think that would have put ME off sex, first? That is not what is happening, because of his preference for oral (which he told me from the beginning). There was no grimacing or pushing him off, etc. it's not like that.

 

I'm just saying if you have had pain issues during intercourse, this could effect his sexual dynamics with you.

 

It's a pertinent issue that should be addressed if you go to MC.

 

Otherwise, it's not really a game-changer or anything here and I don't think it really changes anything that I or anyone else has said thus far.

[bachdude]

I just read through the entire thread...well, read quickly/skimmed!

 

First, I don't think it is exactly true that guys will have sex with just any woman who is attractive.

 

Sometimes a deep, underlying problem in the relationship that is not resolved can result in a guy holding back. I am not saying this is acceptable mind you! But from what I am gathering from the posts he isn't exactly the most open and vulnerable guy on the block. He seems to have difficulty talking about issues and opening up.

 

I think what needs to be explored, and he has to be willing to really talk about it and be honest, is whether there are any unresolved issues in the relationship that is getting in the way of him wanting to be intimate with his wife.

 

If there are unresolved issues, issues that may have really put him off, and it could be an number of things, then these need to be put out in the open and worked through.

 

In other words, it could be a relationship issue, an issue that, in his mind, has put up a wall between him and his wife.

 

If this is the case, it is ultimately his responsibility to air it and bring it up for discussion. But he doesn't seem like he would be the type of guy to feel comfortable with that, however.

 

I think that true emotional intimacy between man and wife will naturally lead to sex. The emotional intimacy will want to express itself that way, assuming that there are no physical issues, or sexual abuse in the past, etc.

[autumnnight]

I think that true emotional intimacy between man and wife will naturally lead to sex. The emotional intimacy will want to express itself that way, assuming that there are no physical issues

 

This expresses something I have always felt but couldn't put into words.

 

It was something my husband couldn't understand. When it was apparent physical intimacy wasn't going to happen, I HAD to pull back emotionally, because emotional closeness was going to make me want physical intimacy.

[oldshirt]

This expresses something I have always felt but couldn't put into words.

 

It was something my husband couldn't understand. When it was apparent physical intimacy wasn't going to happen, I HAD to pull back emotionally, because emotional closeness was going to make me want physical intimacy.

 

 

 

And from a guy perspective, there often can't be emotional closeness and intimacy if there isn't a physical/sexual component in place. In other words a guy can't feel emotionally connected and close if there isn't physical intimacy.

 

 

That's why I think this situation is so messed up as it is the male half that has no interest in a sexual relationship. That just makes no sense.

[SummerDreams]

And from a guy perspective, there often can't be emotional closeness and intimacy if there isn't a physical/sexual component in place. In other words a guy can't feel emotionally connected and close if there isn't physical intimacy.

 

 

That's why I think this situation is so messed up as it is the male half that has no interest in a sexual relationship. That just makes no sense.

 

Have we forgotten that in the past years a man wasn't getting untimate with a woman until he was married to her? And even though this could take years due to wars etc, the man always had feelings for this woman he loved. We are so used nowadays that sex is easy and mindless that we forget that was not always the case. In fact this is something new for the humanity, and it doesn't even exist all around the world yet. We have evidence that a man can love a woman deeply with no physical intimacy through novels, letters, stories etc. Saying that men NEED sex to feel emotions for a woman is just something that creates chaos out of nowhere. I'm interested in men who first love me emotionally and then want to be physical with me. If they lose their feelings for me after X time without sex, then they are not suitable for me.

[autumnnight]

Have we forgotten that in the past years a man wasn't getting untimate with a woman until he was married to her? And even though this could take years due to wars etc, the man always had feelings for this woman he loved. We are so used nowadays that sex is easy and mindless that we forget that was not always the case. In fact this is something new for the humanity, and it doesn't even exist all around the world yet. We have evidence that a man can love a woman deeply with no physical intimacy through novels, letters, stories etc. Saying that men NEED sex to feel emotions for a woman is just something that creates chaos out of nowhere. I'm interested in men who first love me emotionally and then want to be physical with me. If they lose their feelings for me after X time without sex, then they are not suitable for me.

 

This is oversimplifying (again) the nuances so badly I'm not sure where to begin. I get it. Some people don't need sex. I'm not knocking it. I kind of envy it at this point (since the rest of us are obviously sub-moral freaks). Some of us DO need sex and are sick of feeling defective about it. And someone who is going to judge and denegrat me for my NEED for sex is NOT suitable for me.

[truncated]

This is oversimplifying (again) the nuances so badly I'm not sure where to begin. I get it. Some people don't need sex. I'm not knocking it. I kind of envy it at this point (since the rest of us are obviously sub-moral freaks). Some of us DO need sex and are sick of feeling defective about it. And someone who is going to judge and denegrat me for my NEED for sex is NOT suitable for me.

 

 

It may boil down, in the op's situation, to them just not being matched in this one area.

 

If he can't or won't change, then she will have to decide if she feels it's something she can live with, and if not, go on from there.

 

 

People who don't have a high sex drive are not freaks, they are not selfish, nor are they worthy of some of the derision they get, and neither are people who have a higher sex drive.

 

 

The conundrum becomes how to resolve the impasse, and they may not be able to.

 

 

I;m not trying to stir up a hornet's nest, but there may be something to be gained by trying to understand where the husband in this situation is coming from. Flip it around.

 

If you ( general you) were someone with a lower sex drive, and you had a spouse with one that was higher, what are some reasons why that could be the case?

 

In the situation the op is in, it may be that he has always had a low sex drive ( very low) and if so, he probably can't change. If he knows that he is not under any sort of pressure to have intercourse, and she would be fine with other forms of sexual contact ( which the op indicates she has tried to tell him) then the ball is in his court now.

 

It doesn't sound like she is asking him to do anything really out of the ordinary that most might find uncomfortable.

 

As for the op, if she feels she needs to dig deeper and sort all of this through before throwing in the towel, then that's what she should do. It's easy to tell her " don't bother trying to fix this, have an affair to get the sex you want, ask for an open marriage or leave", but for those that do, at the time when you found yourself in this situation, would you have found it so easy to simply walk away, cheat or ask for an open marriage without feeling you had put in your best effort first?

 

 

Besides, based on what she says, she doesn't want just sex for the sake of sex, she wants sex to feel connected to, and loved by, her husband

[SummerDreams]

This is oversimplifying (again) the nuances so badly I'm not sure where to begin. I get it. Some people don't need sex. I'm not knocking it. I kind of envy it at this point (since the rest of us are obviously sub-moral freaks). Some of us DO need sex and are sick of feeling defective about it. And someone who is going to judge and denegrat me for my NEED for sex is NOT suitable for me.

 

I'm not judging of course but can you deny men in the past years could have (and did have) deep feelings for a woman without sometimes ever having sex with her? What does this show us? That a man can love a woman deeply without becoming physical with her. What happens nowadays is something new, even though we consider it the norm, but we have heard of course of platonic love. Anyway we are off topic but I couldn't resist replying to "a man who doesn't have sex with a woman can't love her" that was stated as an undeniable fact.

[autumnnight]

I'm not judging of course but can you deny men in the past years could have (and did have) deep feelings for a woman without sometimes ever having sex with her? What does this show us? That a man can love a woman deeply without becoming physical with her. What happens nowadays is something new, even though we consider it the norm, but we have heard of course of platonic love. Anyway we are off topic but I couldn't resist replying to "a man who doesn't have sex with a woman can't love her" that was stated as an undeniable fact.

 

 

I think there is a difference between loving a woman they know they someday WILL be intimate with and loving someone they no they will NEVER be intimate with.

 

At any rate, the OP does not live in a poorly written Regency romance novel. Se lives in a sex starved marriage, and she is the one here needing help and empathy.

[elaine567]

As he is 50 and has never had many long term relationships then I guess unless he was into hook ups or prostitutes, he had to masturbate a lot.

So perhaps he is just not interested in intercourse, he maybe cannot orgasm with intercourse easily, he maybe even prefers simple masturbation by himself plus/minus porn.

 

BUT, the fact he has a partner now, should be his cue to step up to the plate regularly whether he likes it or not.

However, some people are straight down the middle, if they don't feel it or want it, they don't do it and I guess that applies to sex too.

[SummerDreams]

I think there is a difference between loving a woman they know they someday WILL be intimate with and loving someone they no they will NEVER be intimate with.

 

At any rate, the OP does not live in a poorly written Regency romance novel. Se lives in a sex starved marriage, and she is the one here needing help and empathy.

 

I have already given my point of view and what I think needs to be done to the OP. We are just discussing something that was stated as a universal fact by a poster earlier, and it has nothing to do with the OP's problem.