Girlfriend wants to move back home

[Roses777]

Hey guys, been a while.

 

girlfriend and I have been dating off-and-on since October 2009. She still has a tendency to make decisions on her own, which I find upsetting. IN this sense, it feels like she has already decided that she wants to move back to her hometown without me.

 

Long story short, she wanted to have kids with me here, in my hometown, then found out that she would inherit a relative's house in the country, about 40 minutes away from her home. Once her relative dies, she wants to curate the home. Her relative has given it to her and to her brother the land all around the home. The home has been in their family for years. The problem is, she is thousands of dollars in debt and will only have around a year of work experience if she does choose to leave here and move back home before Christmas. Also, she and I lack a driver's licence although I own a car of my own. Another problem is that I have a lot of things here (videogame stuff) that would take up a fairly large U-Haul van. She despises videogames too.

 

I was under the impression that she was going to leave in 5-10 years and said that we have some time to figure things out together. She mentioned as recently as this morning that she wanted to move back as soon as possible, once her lease is finished in the Fall.

 

She has had statements indicating "I" this and generally that she is independent now, even though we still kiss, hug and do pseudo-boyfriend-girlfriend things. (No sex for the last few weeks because finding out about family things has stressed her out beyond her normal job related stresses.)

 

I don't know what to say. I am finishing up school and have another two weeks of schooling and then another two months of placement that I cannot avoid. Half of me is excited to go with her and get a job and apartment with her, the other half will miss being here as this is a bigger city and I have lived within this city all of my life.

 

If she was phrasing it as if we could potentially work on it together, I would feel better. But when I asked her whether she would like me to move down there with her, she said that it was my choice.

 

I suggested that we meet up tonight and talk because I did not finish until late last night.

 

Moving away would mean losing a few friends but I have grown decent from most of them due to university/college. With age, I have found friends who I thought were close are no longer people I really miss hanging out with. With my parents moving out of our old home, my grandmother's recent passing and loose ties with my brother's family, I feel that won't be as painful. It's more leaving here, the organizations I have tried to build-up, etc.

 

Any help would be appreciated!

[d0nnivain]

IMO until 2 people are married, decisions about where to live are made independently. Both parties need to do what is best for themselves individually.

 

 

You are also worried about her future dreams, not concrete plans. Most of what she is talking about is fantasy based on when somebody dies, which as you said could be years from now. Until that person passes, anything that might be in her will now is subject to change.

 

 

Enjoy the time you have with your GF. Do not have kids with her. Finish your school & career counseling. Get a job & see where you life takes you. Let her worry about her.

 

 

If there comes a time when you are ready to marry then, and only then but not before, can you worry about things that are upsetting you in this thread.

[Roses777]

It wouldn't stress me out so much if she consdered how long we have been together and whether I woud be wiling to move away with her. That makes me think she doesn't want me to go with her.

[justwhoiam]

When a couple is planning to be together, the other needs to be included in one's future plans.

[Diezel]

It wouldn't stress me out so much if she consdered how long we have been together and whether I woud be wiling to move away with her. That makes me think she doesn't want me to go with her.

 

Exactly. And that's the hint you need to take.

[preraph]

I think you should let her move back and stay where you are. If the relationship is worth saving, she will make the effort to keep it going. If the relative already died, I'd call this a no-brainer on her part, but the truth is they'll probably end up having to sell the house to split the money between her and her brother unless those two want to live together, which if one gets a family, is unlikely. I think she just has her own path to follow, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just let her go and take your time and see how things go once she's gone.

[Els]

girlfriend and I have been dating off-and-on since October 2009

 

How long have you actually been together since the last 'off' period?

 

I agree with you that two people in a LTR should talk about options and get each other's opinions before making any sort of relocation decision. But that is only if the R is stable and serious, and if the effort is mutual/reciprocal. If you have been 'on and off' the whole time, it's possible she might be viewing it as a casual dating thing and thus makes her decisions 100% independently and expects you to do the same.

[lolablue17]

If she was phrasing it as if we could potentially work on it together, I would feel better. But when I asked her whether she would like me to move down there with her, she said that it was my choice.

 

Telling your BF "I'm leaving, It's your choice to join me or not", Is certainly not the way to talk to the man you love and consider building a future with him.

 

I say - If she loved you and care about you she would never talk to you like that.

 

I think it's over

[rester]

if she was phrasing it as if we could potentially work on it together, i would feel better. But when i asked her whether she would like me to move down there with her, she said that it was my choice.

 

Unfortunately I don't think this is going to end well. Especially based on what you posted this past December in your other thread:

 

fast forward to last sat when she went to a girl - friend's party. I suspected that it would cause a shift and it did. She started saying that she wanted to be alone and have time to herself. This was very weird so i installed pof and she wasn't there. I relaxed until i checked and saw her there, wanting kids and seeking a relationship!

 

She is not behaving as someone that really loves you and wants you to be in her future. Sorry to have to say that. If she did want you to move with her, she would say something and include you in the decision-making process, married or not. I don't agree that you have to be married to discuss these life-changing situations. Of course, you have no say in what she ultimately decides to do.

[GemmaUK]

Based upon everything you have said she is saying 'I' not 'we' because she wants her future to be not with you.

 

 

She decided this a long time ago.

She is not in the relationship any more I'm afraid OP.

She now has a very valid opportunity for leaving.

 

 

Wish her well and get on with your life.

[kendahke]

girlfriend and I have been dating off-and-on since October 2009.

 

that is the framework from which you need to see this.

 

This has not been a stable relationship at all for 6 years. Perhaps due to the number of "off" times in your relationship, she's of the mind to go do this, as there's no guarantee that more "off" times aren't in the offing.