Cinnimon Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Did you ever feel when speaking with your mm or mw that your telling them of your feelings and telling them of your dissatisfaction in the A was simply an annoyance to them. Could you hear it in their voice or see it in their demeaner? Did you ever feel like they just wished you'd shut up and be happy, like you used to when it all began? Did you ever feel like when you were pouring out your feelings to them that if they could roll their eyes far into the back of their head, they would? Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 OMG - yes, yes, yes! I would often say to my exMM that he made me feel as though my feelings were a nuisance when we had such conversations. I'm glad I'm not the only one! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 Then comes the " I'm sorry you feel that way, you know I love you" ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 So far, when I've done this, I've gotten two different replies: 1) "You seem very clear right now." (I have no idea what that means.) 2) "Are you breaking up with me?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Mine actually apologized. Profusely. I have a feeling this is because *I* ended it. A month afterwards, when *he* ended it, I have the feeling now that if I went back after 2 months and told him how hurt I felt and whatnot, I would just be an annoyance. The way he's acting, it's like he just wants to forget about me. That's fine. I want to forget about him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 We don't really talk about that stuff because he is a classic avoider when it comes to that stuff. But there have been times where I have Tee'd off on him when he has said or did something that would hurt my feelings. Usually he would apologize and I could tell he genuinely didn't think what he said or did would bother me (fool) and he would always make sure I was ok the next day. But to be honest, who cares it doesn't change the fact he still hurts me whether he means to or not. Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 No...CM was troubled by my pain, he would listen and then do a lot of self analysis of how he had been a part of that. He is human and sees me as human, and vice versa. it always hurt him to know when I wasn't happy as my happiness was/is important to him, not just in the context of the A but in general. My exH used to get annoyed at my putting forward of my feelings as though I had no right to feel or have opinion, needless to say it was a very unsatisfying 'relationship' that grew resentment. Relationships are about relating, connecting, understanding and caring, otherwise you are just back to being animals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 Respectfully, if he was so concerned with your pain, why did he continue to participate in it? Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 So far, when I've done this, I've gotten two different replies: 1) "You seem very clear right now." (I have no idea what that means.) 2) "Are you breaking up with me?" I'm sorry, this totally cracked me up. :laugh: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Respectfully, if he was so concerned with your pain, why did he continue to participate in it? Why do any of us? I accept that it's messed up, you make someone happy but sad also and the alternative just appears to be to inflict a deeper pain. It's a bit hedonistic really, to continue, the pleasure/pain balance, when you care you struggle with it. We all know the right path, get off the tracks before the train hits you, but we are not robots, we are complex individuals. Why do you allow yourself to be with someone so apparently unconcerned with your pain? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 Why do any of us? I accept that it's messed up, you make someone happy but sad also and the alternative just appears to be to inflict a deeper pain. It's a bit hedonistic really, to continue, the pleasure/pain balance, when you care you struggle with it. We all know the right path, get off the tracks before the train hits you, but we are not robots, we are complex individuals. Why do you allow yourself to be with someone so apparently unconcerned with your pain? I'm not with XMM , I ended it because although he "hated" me being in pain, he never did anything to end the pain, you know he stayed and played so to speak, so I ended it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Helps to know im not alone. My MM actually told me once that I needed to just "let things be". My MM avoids ANY and ALL conflict. If I bring up anything he doesn't like or doesn't want to discuss he gets defensive and shuts down. He often tells me I'm looking for the negative and expecting us to fail. Teah that's right, I'M the problem as always....SMH. Now, I just keep quiet. It's not worth saying anything anymore and I don't have the energy to fight. It's amazing how incredibly similiar most MM actually are. Definitely a special breed of individuals.... Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Yep, mine would even sometimes blatently tell me I wasn't allowed to talk about my feelings (in the sense when I was upset he stood me up or something like that). He would "cut me off" and hang up on me when I did something like this. I kind of got where he was coming from; this type of relationship is what it is. i dont have a foot to stand on when I get mad at him for not giving me enough time. Its what lead to him ending things. But anyway, that's that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Did you ever feel when speaking with your mm or mw that your telling them of your feelings and telling them of your dissatisfaction in the A was simply an annoyance to them. Could you hear it in their voice or see it in their demeaner? Did you ever feel like they just wished you'd shut up and be happy, like you used to when it all began? Did you ever feel like when you were pouring out your feelings to them that if they could roll their eyes far into the back of their head, they would? I learned pretty early on that expressing my feelings is amazingly unhelpful to me in this situation. All it achieves is making ME upset. There's no point talking to MM about that kind of thing, because there's nothing he can/will do about it. It's ''easier'' for me to just adjust my expectations accordingly, and swallow my own feelings and try to pretend they don't exist.. I find this easier to do when I don't voice them out loud for some reason. Yes, I realise how messed up this all is. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) I was never the calm and collected OW :/ To use xMM's vernacular, I was at frequent intervals his 'selfish ungrateful little bitch'. He was a master of attack as defence when he felt himself embattled. It generally became about me not appreciating his sacrifices. Edited April 9, 2015 by SolG Link to post Share on other sites
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