18 months post-breakup and i'm still depressed can't move on...

[walkingthedesert]

[font=arial][/font][color=darkred][/color]

I am absolutely lost. One and a half years ago (!) my (now ex-)girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was too "controlling" when all that was happening was I was expressing fear that she was going to meet her ex-boyfriend of 6 years. She had a habit of breaking up with him, seeing someone else for a bit (like about 8 months - about as long as we'd been going out for) and then going back to him (her ex). She had done this with her ex about 4 times...

 

So I was naturally scared this was going to happen again...to me!!!

 

I expressed my fear, and sought reassurance from her by asking her to do things with me - like go out together, hang out etc... She just thought I was being controlling and said I wasn't respecting her individuality.

 

Also we were supposed to travel around the world together but she stopped planning on doing it towards the end - she seemed to be pulling back because I would occasionally (about every month or so) get annoyed when she'd criticise me.

 

This made her say I had an anger problem - I never hit or anything (or even threatened!) - i just used to get upset when she'd tell me that i wore ugly clothes, or that my family were strange, or my friends were strange, or that she didn't like my friends. She basically asked me to not see any of me old female friends when I was with her - and I made that change for her - to keep her reassured. I also wore all the clothes she wanted me to, and even lived in her house because she didn't want to move into a new house so both of us can create a "new" place together. (She'd lived in that same house with her ex-of 6 years - so i was feeling a little threatened in that house already - living in his "shadow" so to speak...).

 

But then when was upset that she was going to see him (it was coming up to his birthday) she accuses me of being a controlling person who doesn't respect her individuality.

 

The thing is I really loved her when the times were good (i.e. when she wasn't criticising me). We could talk and laugh and have really engaging times together (sex wasn't all that hot, but i didn't mind - i loved her and was okay with her "conservative" sexual side...).

 

So she just dumped me on the phone one day and never returned my calls. I called her about 2 times in one week (a week after she dumped me) and she emailed me and accused me of stalking her!!! (I was totally distraught that she thought that - i just wanted to talk with her!)

 

Now I still feel hung up on her. I've heard she's bought a house with someone else (not her ex), and she's never asked anyone about me ever.

 

i've tried travelling to forget about it and tried to move on. So i'm here in another country trying to start a life but not having much luck emotionally.

 

Before I was with her I used to be able to meet women all the time. Now everytime I try to even kiss a girl i break down in tears(it's very embarrassing) - I'm scared to try now. I don't bother. This has now been 18 months ago and I am going insane. I wake up every day in tears at 2am thinking about her and how much i miss her. All my friends tell me i'm really very attractive and that i should look forward to meeting someone else (i've had lots of women express interest since i've been travelling), but i dont' feel that i'll be fair to someone else if i still have these feelings for my ex...

 

I turn them down and i still dream about my ex most nights.

 

what do i do?

[snipit3172]

hi for me its only 7 months since my split and i feel exact;y the same as you people always say i shoiuld be over him now but its so hard so i know how you feel

[walkingthedesert]

thanks for the reply.

thanks for bothering to read that entire speil i wrote!

don't know how to be "normal" anymore...feel like i've lost touch with sanity, reality, and everything in between.

 

sorry. but thanks for replying. good to know it's not just me...

[Marshbear]

It's normal to miss someone who you shared a big part of your life. The feelings don't go away immediately and depending upon the person can take a year or two to subside. You should be thinking about her less now than you did when you broke up. The fact that you can't date others because your still hung-up on her might mean you need someone to help you through this emotional pain.

 

Have you talked about your hurt with a friend? If not you need to talk it out and get it out of your system to heal and move on. If you can't get over her then you might need to see a professional.

 

As I read your post I thought how you were the one who was supportive and caring and all she did was criticize you and tear you down. Don't just think of the good times but remember all the shi*y times when you were together. It will give you perspective....