Can't get over her number

[Tryingthisagain]

New to the forum. A little background. I'm a 39 year old guy who just recently went through a divorce with someone I had been with for nearly fifteen years. I started dating again late last summer. Used Tinder as I hadn't been in the dating world for a long time (and even when I was I wasn't very good at it). Went on a few first and second dates and everything was cool. Then I went out with this girl who is 30. We went on a few dates and she was a lot fun and super cute. She was completely up front with me that she had two kids outside of marriage from two different dads.

 

Anyways a few dates turned into a few more and on the fifth date we ended up having sex. Now I'm not a super experienced guy, she was only the fifth person that I had sex with. I knew that she had a number somewhere higher than mine. I told her several times that I didn't really want to know her sexual past. Cut to a few weeks ago, we've now been dating 7 months or so, and I really like this girl. We spend a fair amount of time together and it is usually great. However while we were out one night, we were talking about one of her friends who has slept with a ton of guys and she said her number was no where near that. She said it was between 30 and 40. That hit me like a ton of bricks and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.

 

I guess my issue is two fold: 1) sex is something I consider relatively sacred. I don't consider myself a prude, but maybe I'm wrong. I've never had a one night stand and I've only slept with girls that I actually care about. Like I said, she is only the fifth one. I worry that someone who has been with that many people, they don't really place as much value in who they are sleeping with and what's to stop them from just hooking up with the good looking guy hitting on her the next time she is out drinking with her friends (by the way, I already have some trust issues with relationships in general). She did tell me that she cheated on one of boyfriends in the past. She said she wasn't proud of it, but not much she can do about it now; and 2) is that number unreasonable? I am clearly from a different generation, and I guess I don't know what a reasonable number for some who is 30 and has never been married. She's said she's had around 4 "boyfriends" in the past.

 

I guess I'm just looking for opinions. Like I said, I really like her, but it actually physically upsets my stomach when I think about it for some reason. I keep going to Clerks the movie "37 dicks?!?!?!" I'm happy to answer any other questions people may have.

[d0nnivain]

You & she have different views on sex. You either have to make peace with her number or break up with her.

 

 

Going forward NEVER ask for the exact #. That knowledge makes people crazy.

 

 

As you return to dating scene in your late 30s you have to recognize that most people will have at least a double digit #

[jen1447]

She said it was between 30 and 40.

Amateur.

 

Numbers are relative. If you're the sort to be bothered by this, that means you'd prefer a fairly inexperienced partner, so you should focus on selecting one rather than trying to figure out a number you can live with.

[lolablue17]

The guys she's screwed, are some (or many) of them in contact with her today?

 

Because if not, It's just a number, it doesn't say anything, especially it doesn't imply that she is a potential cheater more than any virgin you may meet.

 

If many of those guys are in contact with her or "in the neighborhood" and you both see them all the time, in that case i think you will find it hard to maintain a quiet peaceful well being, based on how you described yourself.

[Chi townD]

This is when communication in a relationship is paramount. You or she can't change her number. But, you need to talk to her and try to understand her views on sex or why her number is so high. Could it be she has daddy issuses? Depression? Low self esteem? Under the impression that the only way to hold onto a man is to keep them interested? Or she just has a casual view on sex?

 

 

Sometimes, some women think that if they give a man what they want, they'll stay. But, they end up getting used in the end.

 

 

Just pick a night at a quite little restaurant and talk. See if you come to an understanding. See where you stand with her.

[BlueIris]

I can understand why should would tell you- to see if you are ok with who she really is.

 

So… do you want the real her? Be as candid as she’s been. If this bothers you a lot, break up with her. It’s not fair or honorable to string her along if you don’t like or don’t respect who she is.

[Tryingthisagain]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I will definitely spend some time and talk with her about it. I guess I need to find out where her head is with the relationship as well. Since I'm newly divorced, I'm not looking to jump into a marriage again. She may or not be, but we haven't talked about it at all. She may just want to have fun and sex with me, but we should definitely make sure we are on the same page there.

 

As for being in contact with the other guys, I don't think so. I mean she still is in contact with the two dads of her kids, but that's to be expected. I don't think there is anything there at all. In regards to anyone else that she's been with, I don't think there is any contact. I think the vast majority of that number was from high school to shortly after college.

[smackie9]

I think the vast majority of that number was from high school to shortly after college.

 

If this is true then that was like 8/10 years ago! You need to see who she is today not what happened years ago.

[CarrieT]

OP, I am a newly married, 50-year old woman (was single for the past 25 years, but had three long-term MONOGAMOUS relationships).

 

When I was married in my early 20s, my then-husband and I played with swinging. This pushed my number into the three hundreds. Seriously.

 

But my new husband understood the context of what I did in my youth and how it made me the person I am today; a person he loved enough to want to marry. I would not be the same person I am today without those earlier experiences.

 

The woman you are involved with is who she is because of her collective experiences. You need to understand that! There is a part of you who is attracted to her because of her number, even though you had no knowledge of it before. It is an aspect of her collective being.

 

I equate it to sausages; many people love them until they see how they are made and exactly what goes into them. At that point, you either give up eating sausages or embrace the gestalt that is a sausage and enjoy...

[Emilia]

1) sex is something I consider relatively sacred. I don't consider myself a prude, but maybe I'm wrong. I've never had a one night stand and I've only slept with girls that I actually care about. Like I said, she is only the fifth one. I worry that someone who has been with that many people, they don't really place as much value in who they are sleeping with and what's to stop them from just hooking up with the good looking guy hitting on her the next time she is out drinking with her friends (by the way, I already have some trust issues with relationships in general). She did tell me that she cheated on one of boyfriends in the past. She said she wasn't proud of it, but not much she can do about it now; and

Heh I'm calling BS on this. It's insecurity on your part and being competitive. She has waaaay more experience than you and you are envious. At least be honest with yourself.

[Darren Steez]

So wait...you didn't hesitate to jump in the sack with her after getting to know her. You say 30 or 40 like it's a horrific number. Some guys have gone way over that and are not judged.

 

Point is you view sex as something sacred..although not sacred enough for you to stop jumping into the sack with her after a few dates..so is it a case of sex being sacred or simply lack of opportunity and follow through?

 

Also using your rational, maybe she "cared" about these 30-40 guys. over a lifetime of being social 40 is not really that much.

 

But you're already sort of judging instead of having fun. You are only dating right? Why the inquisition?

[introverted1]

I guess I need to find out where her head is with the relationship as well. Since I'm newly divorced, I'm not looking to jump into a marriage again. She may or not be, but we haven't talked about it at all. She may just want to have fun and sex with me, but we should definitely make sure we are on the same page there.

 

I think this is your best approach. Her number is less important than whether her current views on sex and relationships are compatible with yours.

 

Also, are you making sure that you won't be baby daddy #3?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I will definitely spend some time and talk with her about it. I guess I need to find out where her head is with the relationship as well. Since I'm newly divorced, I'm not looking to jump into a marriage again. She may or not be, but we haven't talked about it at all. She may just want to have fun and sex with me, but we should definitely make sure we are on the same page there.

 

As for being in contact with the other guys, I don't think so. I mean she still is in contact with the two dads of her kids, but that's to be expected. I don't think there is anything there at all. In regards to anyone else that she's been with, I don't think there is any contact. I think the vast majority of that number was from high school to shortly after college.

 

Okay, let me see if I understand this...

 

So you were okay with contributing her list of dicks before you knew how long her list really was?

 

Maybe her list is as long as it is because of men like you

 

You can't have it both ways. Either you except the number and enjoy the sex or shut the whole thing down NOW.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I also wanted to add that given her number AND the fact that she has two chdren by two different men out of wedlock, I sincerely hope you're being smart and practising safe sex.

 

I don't think adding a third child will help matters so be wise.

[LostOnes05]

Heh I'm calling BS on this. It's insecurity on your part and being competitive. She has waaaay more experience than you and you are envious. At least be honest with yourself.

 

Doesn't sound like BS to me at all. I think it is a valid concern to have, given his take on sex in a relationship. Essentially she has had a sexual partner every year since birth. The vast difference would be a problem for me as well. I'm at a lower number than the OP and if a woman told me she had anywhere close to double and triple digits, I'd probably end it. I could not fathom the idea of that many other men being with someone I was with currently. I hold a similar view that sex is something to be valued and I'd be worried if my partner did not feel the same. But definitely talk to her and see if it is something you can move past. Best of luck!

[Darren Steez]

Doesn't sound like BS to me at all. I think it is a valid concern to have, given his take on sex in a relationship. Essentially she has had a sexual partner every year since birth. The vast difference would be a problem for me as well. I'm at a lower number than the OP and if a woman told me she had anywhere close to double and triple digits, I'd probably end it. I could not fathom the idea of that many other men being with someone I was with currently. I hold a similar view that sex is something to be valued and I'd be worried if my partner did not feel the same. But definitely talk to her and see if it is something you can move past. Best of luck!

 

 

She's been upfront and honest about it all, but I find it funny he didn't have a problem sleeping with her after five dates.

 

That said, they've only been on five dates and having a bit of fun right? If it's that big an issue then say goodbye and good luck and go find another lady.

 

OP seems to be a niceguy who will not only pursue this relationship further but also continually hold it against the lady meaning problems for both of them later on.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is yet another case of double standards. It would seem that it's perfectly acceptable and may even be expected for men to have long lists but not for women. One is considered "studly" while the other "slutty".

 

It doesn't help that some men have very fragile ego's and are unwilling and unable to accept the fact that the object of their affections have a sexual past. How many threads have we seen pop up about this very subject?

 

Having said that, I still have reservations about this woman if only because she's had two children by two different men out of wedlock and she's only 30. I'd be interested in knowing more about who these men were - LTR or just casual encounters. YOU should be as well.

 

The bottom line is if you're going to be sexual and don't fancy catching an STD or becoming a single parent, USE PROTECTION!!! There are ZERO excuses for not practicing safe sex in this day and age.

 

And that goes for both of you.

[Gaeta]

Lets look at it this way.

 

Lets assume for the sake of my argument that she started having sex at 18. She is 30 so that is 12 years of being sexually active.

 

She says she had between 30 and 40 partners lets cut it at 35 ok.

 

35 partners / 12 years = an average of 2.92 partner per year.

 

Does that still sound slutty to you?

[road]

She's the best looking woman he has ever had, and the best in bed.

 

 

You must not realize which head men use to do their serious thinking.

Edited April 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[road]

Doesn't sound like BS to me at all. I think it is a valid concern to have, given his take on sex in a relationship. Essentially she has had a sexual partner every year since birth. The vast difference would be a problem for me as well. I'm at a lower number than the OP and if a woman told me she had anywhere close to double and triple digits, I'd probably end it. I could not fathom the idea of that many other men being with someone I was with currently. I hold a similar view that sex is something to be valued and I'd be worried if my partner did not feel the same. But definitely talk to her and see if it is something you can move past. Best of luck!

 

 

 

 

How come it always seems that the men with low numbers have low numbers because that was all they could get.

[road]

Lets look at it this way.

 

Lets assume for the sake of my argument that she started having sex at 18. She is 30 so that is 12 years of being sexually active.

 

She says she had between 30 and 40 partners lets cut it at 35 ok.

 

35 partners / 12 years = an average of 2.92 partner per year.

 

Does that still sound slutty to you?

 

 

 

 

This ran through my head as well. Having 30 partners when you are 18 YO is different then having 30 partners when you are 30 YO.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I will definitely spend some time and talk with her about it. I guess I need to find out where her head is with the relationship as well. Since I'm newly divorced, I'm not looking to jump into a marriage again. She may or not be, but we haven't talked about it at all. She may just want to have fun and sex with me, but we should definitely make sure we are on the same page there.

 

As for being in contact with the other guys, I don't think so. I mean she still is in contact with the two dads of her kids, but that's to be expected. I don't think there is anything there at all. In regards to anyone else that she's been with, I don't think there is any contact. I think the vast majority of that number was from high school to shortly after college.

 

Since I'm newly divorced, I'm not looking to jump into a marriage again. She may or not be, but we haven't talked about it at all.

 

You've been dating for 7 months and never had that conversation? That's alot of chronological real estate and likely emotional investment to find out that you're not on the same page.

[kendahke]

You need to just leave her alone and go find someone else.

 

This isn't going to work out. At. All.

 

You be you and let her be her and quit trying to figure out how to digest the information.

[kendahke]

he jumped into the kitty before finding out that which has him recoiling in horror, grabbing his pearls. He's one of a number here, too... and if sex was as sacred as he was making it out to be, then he'd have put on some brakes and acted like someone for whom sex is sacred instead of being opportunistic like the rest of the guys she's been with.

 

He can't have it both ways.

Edited April 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

She's been upfront and honest about it all, but I find it funny he didn't have a problem sleeping with her after five dates.

 

That said, they've only been on five dates and having a bit of fun right? If it's that big an issue then say goodbye and good luck and go find another lady.

 

OP seems to be a niceguy who will not only pursue this relationship further but also continually hold it against the lady meaning problems for both of them later on.

 

^^^^This a million times