Can't get over her number

[stillafool]

She's the best looking woman he has ever had, and the best in bed.

 

 

You must not realize which head men use to do their serious thinking.

 

Ding, ding, ding....you need experience to be good in bed. Can't have it both ways!

[Maxtor]

I have freed myself from that shackle years ago. I used to chose always girls who were prude.

 

Later I found out its none of my business. She is not my property, I cannot control people's desires and what pleasures them. No one will get out of this life alive, so we might aswell enjoy all the pleasures we have in this world.

 

Of course we have morals and values and we should stand by them, but, who is to say that my morals and values are supreme? They change overtime.

 

Don't think too much, you are probably jealous on your subsconscience because she enjoyed life in a different way. Just let it go and have fun.

[jen1447]

Lets look at it this way.

 

Lets assume for the sake of my argument that she started having sex at 18. She is 30 so that is 12 years of being sexually active.

 

She says she had between 30 and 40 partners lets cut it at 35 ok.

 

35 partners / 12 years = an average of 2.92 partner per year.

 

Does that still sound slutty to you?

 

Sounds like she's got one foot in the convent door when you break it down like that.

[Dork Vader]

I've found this type of thing to be fairly common amongst those who did not get married at a fairly young age or married to a person they met at a young age.

 

30-40 partners is not unusual for someone who has not been in a committed relationship and has been single most of their adult life. This especially true for people in their 30's or 40's.

 

Both of you clearly have different views on sex and different morals. So I'd suggest you try dating at Church or other places where you will meet people who are in a similar position as you.

 

My biggest advice too you is simply stay clear of this topic. What if she went through a phase of her life in her youth in which she was a tad promiscuous? She could now have the exact same views on sex as you. What is important is how she views sex now. A persons past does not pertain too who they are today or the future. Talking about ex's and past dating behavior is a huge no no for numerous reasons.

[Quiet Storm]

Heh I'm calling BS on this. It's insecurity on your part and being competitive. She has waaaay more experience than you and you are envious. At least be honest with yourself.

 

 

I disagree with this. I do not feel it is insecure to have preferences or standards. I also don't think it's insecure to want someone with a similar outlook on sex, or a comparable number.

 

Whenever a guy makes a thread like this stating that he's uncomfortable with a woman's past or number, there are always replies stating the guy is insecure.

 

Insecurity is a lack of confidence, assurance or self doubt. If a guy posted saying that he was worried the guys she slept with were better in bed than him, or bigger than him- that's insecurity.

 

But a guy concerned about her values matching his, a guy concerned about her ability to be faithful (when she admits she cheated) is not insecure. It's not insecure to be concerned that a person may not be a good match for you. It's not insecure to use a person's past actions to make a judgement about their character. That's just smart.

 

If he ended up marrying this woman and she cheated and he came on loveshack and said "My wife cheated. When we first started dating she told me she had 30-40 partners, 4 BFs, two baby daddies and had cheated in the past"- people on LS would be saying "Why didn't you heed the red flags?", "You knew she wasn't a good match for you", "You knew she was capable of cheating".

 

He's not lacking confidence in himself- he's lacking confidence in her ability to be faithful. Not because of his issues, but because of her past actions.

 

I understand that people change and that we all like to see the best in people. I understand that people make mistakes & learn from them. I understand that people can sleep with hundreds and still be faithful in relationships. I also agree that there's a double standard. I just don't understand why a guy who is uncomfortable with a woman's past is automatically labeled insecure.

[Darren Steez]

I disagree with this. I do not feel it is insecure to have preferences or standards. I also don't think it's insecure to want someone with a similar outlook on sex, or a comparable number.

 

Whenever a guy makes a thread like this stating that he's uncomfortable with a woman's past or number, there are always replies stating the guy is insecure.

 

Insecurity is a lack of confidence, assurance or self doubt. If a guy posted saying that he was worried the guys she slept with were better in bed than him, or bigger than him- that's insecurity.

 

But a guy concerned about her values matching his, a guy concerned about her ability to be faithful (when she admits she cheated) is not insecure. It's not insecure to be concerned that a person may not be a good match for you. It's not insecure to use a person's past actions to make a judgement about their character. That's just smart.

 

If he ended up marrying this woman and she cheated and he came on loveshack and said "My wife cheated. When we first started dating she told me she had 30-40 partners, 4 BFs, two baby daddies and had cheated in the past"- people on LS would be saying "Why didn't you heed the red flags?", "You knew she wasn't a good match for you", "You knew she was capable of cheating".

 

He's not lacking confidence in himself- he's lacking confidence in her ability to be faithful. Not because of his issues, but because of her past actions.

 

I understand that people change and that we all like to see the best in people. I understand that people make mistakes & learn from them. I understand that people can sleep with hundreds and still be faithful in relationships. I also agree that there's a double standard. I just don't understand why a guy who is uncomfortable with a woman's past is automatically labeled insecure.

Then surely it's not an issue. If he's that uncomfortable why not simply leave?

 

Slept together after five dates..no problem.

 

Been going out for seven months..no doubt probably met her children..no problem.

 

Finds out she had many partners.. problem.

 

Then leave. Simple.

[Quiet Storm]

Then surely it's not an issue. If he's that uncomfortable why not simply leave?

 

Slept together after five dates..no problem.

 

Been going out for seven months..no doubt probably met her children..no problem.

 

Finds out she had many partners.. problem.

 

Then leave. Simple.

 

 

I never said he should stay with her, I was just saying I don't think his feelings mean that he is insecure.

 

If he can't come to terms with it, then he definitely should leave. He should not continue the relationship if he's going to be judging her or making her feel bad. He should just find someone more compatible.

[smackie9]

It depends on the OP's experience. Only having a few partners because of his moral values, and resisted temptation? or was it because of lack of opportunity/ not so lucky with the ladies?

[Emilia]

I disagree with this. I do not feel it is insecure to have preferences or standards. I also don't think it's insecure to want someone with a similar outlook on sex, or a comparable number.

 

Whenever a guy makes a thread like this stating that he's uncomfortable with a woman's past or number, there are always replies stating the guy is insecure.

 

Insecurity is a lack of confidence, assurance or self doubt. If a guy posted saying that he was worried the guys she slept with were better in bed than him, or bigger than him- that's insecurity.

 

But a guy concerned about her values matching his, a guy concerned about her ability to be faithful (when she admits she cheated) is not insecure. It's not insecure to be concerned that a person may not be a good match for you. It's not insecure to use a person's past actions to make a judgement about their character. That's just smart.

 

If he ended up marrying this woman and she cheated and he came on loveshack and said "My wife cheated. When we first started dating she told me she had 30-40 partners, 4 BFs, two baby daddies and had cheated in the past"- people on LS would be saying "Why didn't you heed the red flags?", "You knew she wasn't a good match for you", "You knew she was capable of cheating".

 

He's not lacking confidence in himself- he's lacking confidence in her ability to be faithful. Not because of his issues, but because of her past actions.

 

I understand that people change and that we all like to see the best in people. I understand that people make mistakes & learn from them. I understand that people can sleep with hundreds and still be faithful in relationships. I also agree that there's a double standard. I just don't understand why a guy who is uncomfortable with a woman's past is automatically labeled insecure.

I don't think you understand men very well QS. They view sex and experience very differently from women. Men compete with each other based on the looks of the women they can get to bed and how many of them will sleep with them. If a woman's number is higher than his AND he feels his number is low anyway, he is outperformed by the very woman he dates. They have prolactine on their side after sex, they don't get attached as easily as we do.

 

The OP is just dressing that up as something else.

[drifter777]

There's no right or wrong about this, only opinions. You say sex is kind of sacred to you and, clearly, its not to her. If you don't consider her marriage material then that's your choice - it's your right. That doesn't mean you can't keep seeing her and having sex with her.

 

To me the number is very dependent on her age and the number of LTR's she's been in. Like if she's 30 and has had 3 LTR's that lasted for a total of 7 years then I start the math. Assume she didn't cheat. She's been sexually active since she was 16 (a reasonable guess) so she's been "single" a total of 7 years and in that time she's done 33 guys. That's a little under 5 per year - seems high to me. I repeat - TO ME! You should make your decision based on the number per year and you might see things differently.

 

Of course if she says 40 then it's probably really 60

[drifter777]

I don't think you understand men very well QS. They view sex and experience very differently from women. Men compete with each other based on the looks of the women they can get to bed and how many of them will sleep with them. If a woman's number is higher than his AND he feels his number is low anyway, he is outperformed by the very woman he dates. They have prolactine on their side after sex, they don't get attached as easily as we do.

 

The OP is just dressing that up as something else.

My wife has more experience then me and I couldn't care less. Maybe we all don't compete with each other as you suggest.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think you understand men very well QS. They view sex and experience very differently from women. Men compete with each other based on the looks of the women they can get to bed and how many of them will sleep with them. If a woman's number is higher than his AND he feels his number is low anyway, he is outperformed by the very woman he dates. They have prolactine on their side after sex, they don't get attached as easily as we do.

 

The OP is just dressing that up as something else.

 

I feel like I do understand men on some level, and I agree there are some insecure ones. But I know very strong, assertive, secure men who would be uncomfortable having a GF who was with 35 guys, kids by two different men and had cheated before. That's not insecurity, it's just knowing they don't want to be with someone like that. It's called having standards.

[Trimmer]

I disagree with this. I do not feel it is insecure to have preferences or standards. I also don't think it's insecure to want someone with a similar outlook on sex, or a comparable number.

 

Whenever a guy makes a thread like this stating that he's uncomfortable with a woman's past or number, there are always replies stating the guy is insecure.

 

Insecurity is a lack of confidence, assurance or self doubt. If a guy posted saying that he was worried the guys she slept with were better in bed than him, or bigger than him- that's insecurity.

 

But a guy concerned about her values matching his, a guy concerned about her ability to be faithful (when she admits she cheated) is not insecure. It's not insecure to be concerned that a person may not be a good match for you. It's not insecure to use a person's past actions to make a judgement about their character. That's just smart.

 

If he ended up marrying this woman and she cheated and he came on loveshack and said "My wife cheated. When we first started dating she told me she had 30-40 partners, 4 BFs, two baby daddies and had cheated in the past"- people on LS would be saying "Why didn't you heed the red flags?", "You knew she wasn't a good match for you", "You knew she was capable of cheating".

 

He's not lacking confidence in himself- he's lacking confidence in her ability to be faithful. Not because of his issues, but because of her past actions.

I more or less agree with you, but I separate his issues into two (related but different) areas. One is "her number" and the other is her history of cheating and children with multiple dads who she's no longer with.

 

Much of your argument that I agree with centers around concerns about her faithfulness and her values around having two kids by different fathers who aren't around. I agree - of course he's 100% entitled to decide that a "person like that" probably wouldn't be a good match for him. Absent other information, I would probably tend to make the same judgment for myself.

 

But if you look at his opening post (and his title, for goshsakes...) his primary issue was "her number." The focus of his title, and the thing that "hit [him] like a ton of bricks and [he hasn't] been able to get it out of [his] head" is simply the number. The two kids by two fathers outside marriage was clear, upfront information that didn't give him pause in dating or sleeping with her, and it was almost as an incidental aside that he mentions her history of cheating. No, his issue was the number.

 

So, my feeling is much like yours - he's absolutely entitled to decide that her values and history aren't something that's a good match for him, but I would suggest that if his main issue is "her number", that he's missing the point. My advice would be, the main thing that should be hitting him like a ton of bricks is that she has two kids by different fathers outside of marriage, and a history of cheating.

 

So while I agree with you, in that I'd have much more concern over whether she was a good match for me based on her cheating and family planning choices, I think it's not accurate to propose that these were the foremost concerns in his mind, based on his original post. These issues didn't stop him from dating her multiple times, becoming very fond of her, or sleeping with her (he, who considers sex to be relatively sacred...). It was only later, from the moment he heard her number, that he was stopped cold in his tracks.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Trimmer

[ascendotum]

Okay, let me see if I understand this...

 

So you were okay with contributing her list of dicks before you knew how long her list really was?

 

Maybe her list is as long as it is because of men like you

 

You can't have it both ways. Either you except the number and enjoy the sex or shut the whole thing down NOW.

 

That's a bit stiff. A. For him to make that choice he had to ask her, and have you seen the threads on her on this topic where so many women and men try to shame any guy who gets inquisitive. B. This guy had intention to get serious with her and he slept with her on the date 5 and didn't try to bang her on date1. He's hardly treating her as just someone to bang for little while and contribute to her cock count, like quite possibly many of the guys she's hooked up with. He's not a hypocrite.

 

It is possible some of the guys before walked because she told them how many she had slept with, but I doubt its not that big a % otherwise she would not be so upfront with him. I think its great that she is open, but this guy should be able to have different views when it comes to casual sex. Its entirely his prerogative, and they simply have different perspectives. The problem is his though as he is the unsettled one. People can tell him not to be and he can mull over the advice, but really it comes down to his principles/insecurities/code of conduct, and whatever he goes with will be the right answer for HIM.

Edited April 10, 2015 by ascendotum

[kendahke]

I feel like I do understand men on some level, and I agree there are some insecure ones. But I know very strong, assertive, secure men who would be uncomfortable having a GF who was with 35 guys, kids by two different men and had cheated before. That's not insecurity, it's just knowing they don't want to be with someone like that. It's called having standards.

 

and what they do is not have sex with that woman then judge her for having too many men before he himself threw "sacredness" out the window after 5 dates and jumped in the kitty. They act like sex is sacred and do a hell of a lot more vetting before setting foot onto sacred territory.

[Michelle ma Belle]

That's a bit stiff. A. For him to make that choice he had to ask her, and have you seen the threads on her on this topic where so many women and men try to shame any guy who gets inquisitive. B. This guy had intention to get serious with her and he slept with her on the date 5 and didn't try to bang her on date1. He's hardly treating her as just someone to bang for little while and contribute to her cock count, like quite possibly many of the guys she's hooked up with. He's not a hypocrite.

 

It is possible some of the guys before walked because she told them how many she had slept with, but I doubt its not that big a % otherwise she would not be so upfront with him. I think its great that she is open, but this guy should be able to have different views when it comes to casual sex. Its entirely his prerogative, and they simply have different perspectives. The problem is his though as he is the unsettled one. People can tell him not to be and he can mull over the advice, but really it comes down to his principles/insecurities/code of conduct, and whatever he goes with will be the right answer for HIM.

 

Is it stiff? Really? I disagree. If you want to talk about shaming, let's look at how many discussions have been created on here and in real life where WOMEN are the constant target of all sorts of shaming. Have you picked up a newspaper or turned on the TV lately? THIS post written by the OP is a perfect example! I hardly think it's "stiff" to call men out on their stuff.

 

I never said he didn't get permission to have sex with her but I doubt he was thinking with the right head when he decided to sleep with her after date 5. And THAT is what I'm referring to when I said he might not be any better than every other guy she's been with. If her number really was that important to him he would have had the uncomfortable talk and asked the question BEFORE he bumped uglies with her. Clearly it wasn't top of mind as I'm sure it wasn't with the others.

 

And how do you know he's not a hypocrite? Do you personally know him? If not then you're speculating just as you're speculating that he wanted to get "serious" with her after he banged her. You can't have an issue with someone's sexual past AFTER you've had sex with them! That IS hypocritical. The fact that she had two kids with two different men before she was 30 should have been a red flag for him and his morals and prompted the conversation.

 

Otherwise get over it. He either likes this girl or not. He can't have it both ways, not after he's already done the deed.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[Chi townD]

This is yet another case of double standards. It would seem that it's perfectly acceptable and may even be expected for men to have long lists but not for women. One is considered "studly" while the other "slutty".

 

 

 

I really don't agree with this. Most wouldn't call that "studly" You ever heard of the term "Man Whore"? And you, as a woman, if you learned that a potential partner you were interested in had 30 to 40 women that he's slept with prior to you, would you find that a turn on or gross?

 

 

In my opinion, I feel that, that particular double standard no longer applies in todays society. Just my opinion though.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I really don't agree with this. Most wouldn't call that "studly" You ever heard of the term "Man Whore"? And you, as a woman, if you learned that a potential partner you were interested in had 30 to 40 women that he's slept with prior to you, would you find that a turn on or gross?

 

 

In my opinion, I feel that, that particular double standard no longer applies in todays society. Just my opinion though.

 

First, that double standard DOES exist unfortunately. I may not have used the best or latest descriptive (and probably aging myself) but men aren't nearly as scrutinized as women when it comes to sex. That's just a simple fact.

 

As for dating men with high numbers, I have. I dated and slept with a couple of men that fit this stereotype; one was around the 30 mark and the other exceeded even that so I'm speaking from first hand experience.

 

I'm all about making a connection with someone be it friendship or romantic. I'm more interested in learning about the person behind the eyes than just reading their dating resume. We ALL run around life wearing and hiding behind masks we've created for ourselves in one form or another.

 

I've come to understand that a number is just a number whether it's about age differences or number of sex partners. Judging someone solely on the number they own is no better than judging someone for being a virgin or how much they weigh or how little hair they have or what kind of car they drive (yes, there was a thread about this very topic). It's shallow at best.

 

Yes, there are indeed men and women who engage in sexual activities without regard for others or for themselves for that matter. They're dangerous and probably should be avoided unless you enjoy living on the edge and taking risks. No one said you have to date someone that doesn't align with your core values (usually religious) but that's not to say someone with a long list of sexual partners aren't good and decent people with a certain set of morals or people who can make amazingly loving and loyal partners.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[central]

For perspective, it's quite common for people with low numbers to cheat, so a high number isn't predictive of infidelity.

[ascendotum]

Is it stiff? Really? I disagree. If you want to talk about shaming, let's look at how many discussions have been created on here and in real life where WOMEN are the constant target of all sorts of shaming. Have you picked up a newspaper or turned on the TV lately? THIS post written by the OP is a perfect example! I hardly think it's "stiff" to call men out on their stuff.

 

I never said he didn't get permission to have sex with her but I doubt he was thinking with the right head when he decided to sleep with her after date 5. And THAT is what I'm referring to when I said he might not be any better than every other guy she's been with. If her number really was that important to him he would have had the uncomfortable talk and asked the question BEFORE he bumped uglies with her. Clearly it wasn't top of mind as I'm sure it wasn't with the others.

 

And how do you know he's not a hypocrite? Do you personally know him? If not then you're speculating just as you're speculating that he wanted to get "serious" with her after he banged her. You can't have an issue with someone's sexual past AFTER you've had sex with them! That IS hypocritical. The fact that she had two kids with two different men before she was 30 should have been a red flag for him and his morals and prompted the conversation.

 

Otherwise get over it. He either likes this girl or not. He can't have it both ways, not after he's already done the deed.

 

My comments were in relation to just this thread apart from my referring to other numerous threads were LS people say asking about a person's sexual past is bad. Some will dump a guy who does this (which some will think is somewhat analogous to this sort of situation). This OP is not shaming her for her number from what I read, but is uncomfortable about it in relation to his lifestyle.

And how do you know he's not a hypocrite?

We don't know if the 5 dates in sex took place in 5 weeks or less. I don't think having sex on date 5 makes him a hypocrite when its done in the context of wanting a full on relationship and not simply a fling or PnD. Also its not like this is a case of a guy with a count of 136 downgrade a woman to fling status because she's been with 36...and quite often players are hypocrites in this respect. He'd slept with 4 women prior and in LTRs...I can only go off what he says.

 

You can't have an issue with someone's sexual past AFTER you've had sex with them!

I disagree. I'm not saying this is necessarily me, but absolutely people can form a different opinion about someone based on new info that comes to light. Its up to the individual and what they think is in their best interests. If the person is not in the relationship then it wont be a good relationship for the other person as well, so it would suit them to find someone who is more compatible. Men think some things women think are big deals in terms of dating are not and likewise its the same from the opposite perspective.

Edited April 11, 2015 by ascendotum

[Phoenician]

Dear Op,

 

I do understand your morals , which exists in many societies; I recall that when I was 17-18 we were a bunch of kids trying to find a virgin B...tch !

 

What I want to say , and hope you don't miss understand it :

 

From general perspective I admire your girl , she is honest ; and if you freak just because of her collective experience ; you might not deserve her.

 

All is comparative of what you really want from life ?

 

Are you HD or LD ?

 

do you have very simple desires or complex ones .

 

if you are LD and your view of sexual life is just like a habbit, duty , physical need; then just go for a girl who pride her virginity and enjoy vanilla for 20 ++ years.

 

I am in trouble after 20 years : I am HD , Full of passion ,sex is a love making act with venus : godess of fertility and charm ; I have never cheated on my wife ;though I attempted to ; but now I feel so much resentment in my heart , because we are just incompatible.

 

my advise to you , if you are compatible,from all aspects , and she is worth it , stay with her ; and forget about marriage for now , you are not mature enough for another trap !

Edited April 11, 2015 by Phoenician

[davidromero43]

I dated this girl once that was smokin hot. We got along great. And then one day she told me she had been with less than 100 men. I said thats great to know. Don't tell me how many you have been with. Because I know I have a huge problem with this. I value sex as very important. But she followed up with 93. I went to the bathroom and vomited. I never could get that out of my head. I looked at her like she stunk. I didn't want to look at her like that. After about another 3 months she broke up. She said I had changed. And she was correct, I had changed. But about a month after that, I wanted her back so bad. That feeling took months to get over. After she was gone, I couldn't think of anything but the good times we had together. I lost a great relationship, all because I was too mentally weak to take accept her honesty.

[Phoenician]

I really can feel with you david ,

At the same time I sometimes wonder about few odd things ; like in my case this is what I searched for and wanted for years ; a really descent wife ; conservative lady.

I got her 17 yrs back ; now after the odds I find in a conservative religious women ; I lost my religion ; because the way she presented being religious to me made me feel also sick; it is the other way around ...

can you imagine living with someone for 17 years who only believe in vanilla ?

 

 

can you as a men live a whole life without experiencing love adventures with your partner?

 

 

sex for those lady is just straight duty vanilla ; I have never had a BJ in my whole life !

 

I am still hanging there; in a rocky marriage ; but discovered that main issue is that that my feelings doesn't mean anything ... she just don't feel the urge for intimacy ; she loves me or claim to be ; may be because eI am her security

nest .

 

when you live in a sexless or rocky marriage ; you might feel able to sleep with anyone who just respect and love you .

 

I HAVEN'T done it yet ; but I am afraid one day I will be happier with a lady who slept with 1000 men before me .

[SilentiousBird]

I think it's more concerning that she has cheated in the past and has two kids with two different men than the fact that she's slept with 30-40 men. Sounds like a whole lot of baggage to deal with, especially when you're still getting back in the dating scene. Make sure she's been tested for stds.

 

I'm in a similar situation, minus the kids and cheating. My boyfriend has slept with a comparable amount of people and has an std. I've been with quite a few less men, don't have any stds, and see sex like you do, as more sacred. We've been dating for a year and a half, and to be honest, accepting his past has only gotten more difficult. It wears on you after a while. I try my best to let it go because of how absolutely wonderful he is to me. Aside from his past and sexual health, he's everything I've wanted in a partner.

[SawtoothMars]

I really can feel with you david ,

At the same time I sometimes wonder about few odd things ; like in my case this is what I searched for and wanted for years ; a really descent wife ; conservative lady.

I got her 17 yrs back ; now after the odds I find in a conservative religious women ; I lost my religion ; because the way she presented being religious to me made me feel also sick; it is the other way around ...

can you imagine living with someone for 17 years who only believe in vanilla ?

 

You just married poorly. I would not apply this to a whole genre of women, specifically for the fact that according to studies "religious" women have MUCH healthier sex lives than "non-religious" women.