Frustrated!

[AliceW]

I'm not married, but I live with my bf, and I am feeling very frustrated right now.

 

We have always had a sort of peculiar sex life. While it's good in many ways (he's am extremely good f*** (fits me very well, lasts a long time, is playful in his approach, etc), very eager to please, very open to experimentation, and I am extremely attracted to him physically, I've always felt that we just weren't on the same page sexually in certain subtle but important ways.

 

The two biggest issues (they seem petty, but they are REALLY starting to bug me): I cannot seem to show/tell him how to kiss me or perform oral sex on me the way I like it, and thise things are HUGELY important to me. He will listen to instructions, I try to make the instructions as full of praise and non-threatening as possible (eg, you know, I love it when you do X...when you do Y, it doesn't feel quite as good...oh, yeah, just like that, that's amazing...etc), but he still just doesn't get it...and this is after 1 and 1/2 YEARS!!!! I can't make him understand that using the tip of his tongue on me without the rest of his mouth doesn't do a damn thing for me...it's too dry, too much friction, not warm enough, simply doesn't feel good at all. I've told him and told him, and while he's improved a little, he still doesn't understand, and I am left feeling like my two options are to either keep trying to instruct and risk sounding like a demanding shrew, or to just let it go and live with the fact that I'm just not going to get the kind of oral sex I want (and I LOVE oral sex...I can have unbelievable orgasms that way if it's done right). I mean, he DOES get me off that way sometimes, but it's unreliable and I have to work at it a lot with fantasy etc, because the stimulation just isn't right...it's never like sinking into warm bath, the really good oral sex can be. Even the kissing thing is weird...he sometimes just presses his lips against mine without moving them, or licks my upper lip in what feels like a very mechanical repetious way, and it just doesn't work for me. Again, he's gotten better because of instructions, but not all that much.

 

Also, he's extremely into tying me up and doing things to me...you would think that would be a good thing, and to a point it is, but it just gets to be too much and becomes boring. He'll spend a hour or more playing with me, stroking me, using a vibrator on me, going down on me...so how can I not like that? Because I want to be able to touch him...because I dislike being forced into passivity, because he MOVES TOO SLOW and I lose momentum, because the way he perfomr oral sex on me often just doesn't work for me.

 

I want urgency, passion, spontenaiety...not toys and restraints and gadgets. I try to explain to him that I love being turned on when in public, and ask him to kiss me or fondle me very discreetly when we're out and about, but he won't do it other than occasionally (I think it embarassess him...he's a somewhat proper type).

 

I don't know what to do. I love this man...he is extraordinarily sweet and kind, he is incredibly smart, we live together so happily and enjoy doing so many things together...and he is eager to please me sexually, he just can't seem to understand how to do it sometimes. I am extremely sexually attracted to him, and I don't known if that makes the situation better or worse. We have sex a lot (maybe 5x/week), and he pretty always gets me off (but he often has to use a vibrator to do because the oral sex thing isn't working), but I am just not feeling like I'm getting what I need in some ways.

 

He just came back from a 6-day business trip, and he had suggested that we not masturbate at all in each other's absense, just to make things hotter when he got back, which was a cool idea...but then last night he, of course, whated to tie me up and tickle me with feathers etc for a hour and use a vibrator on me, and all I wanted was for him to tear my clothes off and fcuck me!! I ended up extremely frustrated... I was lying there with tears in my eyes behind that stupid blindfold.

 

The bondage seems to be a huge turn-on for him, and I know he wishes I were more into it. I'm more than happy to do it occasionally (every couple of weeks, maybe) because I really do want to make him happy. I even enjoy it if I'm in the right mood and we don't do it too often. But when we do the bondage thing too often I start to feel very frustrated and resentful, because it just doesn't do much for me, and I don't feel like I'm getting what *I* need.

 

I feel horrible about this in a way, becaause how can I feel that someone who wil spend hours stroking and kissing me is being selfish in bed?? It's because he is trying to turn me on the ways that turn HIM on, not ME. It's like he wants to give me what I want, as long as it's what he wants me to want.

 

What makes matters worse is that I am shy and I sometimes have a very hard time articulating what I want sexually. I'm sure that that is a big part of this problem. It would be ideal if he and I were on the same page sexually and understood intuitively what worked for each of us, but that is not the case, so I have to be very explicit and ask, and that's so hard for me.

 

I'm feeling very unhappy this morning because this relationship is so good in so many ways...there are even aspects of the sex that are extremely good...but there are a few things that are just not working, and I feel powerless to fix them, and yet I don't feel willing or able to just live without them.

 

I don't want these things to jeopardise our relationship. We get along so well and are so happy together in so many ways...and I went through a divorce a couple of years ago, and I know what a bad relationship is like, and this one is like another world...he is so unselfish and so considerate, in so many ways, and I just adore him because he's so smart and funny and he understands me...but this sex thing is becoming a porblem I can't ignore.

 

What should I do???? If I keep trying to instruct him I just feel like I'm too demanding, and he starts to feel incompetant. No-one wants to hear that in spite of their best efferts (and he does try!) that after 1 1/2 years they still don't understand how to get their partners off orally...it shouldn'y be this difficult, and it hasn't been with other lovers I've had...it's like "what part of 'flicking your tongue like that doesn't feel good, I love it when you use your lips and make your mouth really wet, using flat strokes of your tongue feels wonderful" doesn't he understand?? How difficult can that be??

 

Please let me know your thoughts. I simply don't know what to do. I love him and can't stand the thought of not being with him, because in most ways this is the best relationship I've ever had, but I feel like this is the sort of thing that is goign to make me increasingly unhappy as time goes on....

[whichwayisup]

Here's a fun suggestion...Since you always live out his fantasty why not write him yours? A fun detailed sex story. After he reads it, gently tell him ' this is how I want it - Exactly as I've written it. I want you to go down on me and do it this way cuz it will really get me going'...See how that works. Hopefully he will really pay attention to the details you've written out of doing oral sex...

 

IF it doesn't work and he seems to just do his own thing of pleasuring you - YOU have to speak up. Don't think of it as whining or being selfish...It's not! You have every right to have the best oral sex and show him until he gets you climbing the walls!!

 

Do you help him out while he's going down on you? With your hand?

 

The other toys- Tell him to take a break! That you just want him inside you. To feel his fingers, not a vibe. Hopefully he'll understand.

 

Hope this helps.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Alice,

 

My BF admitted to me when we got together that he'd never brought a woman to orgasm with oral sex. That was a big issue for me because that is usually the only way I CAN orgasm. He just used the tip of his tongue hard too! No matter what I did he didn't understand. I was reading in a magazine one day and saw a review of this book. "She Comes First". I checked it out at the library and mentioned it to him. He went and bought the book, and he read it and applied it!

OMG! I'm having the best orgasms now from oral sex! The book is all about it.

Since your bf is so eager to please you- perhaps you could suggest it??

 

As far as the tying up thing, I can't give you any advice on that- I've never done it before.......sorry.

[RecordProducer]

ORAL SEX:

Colombo said "Most things are easy when somebody shows you how to do it!"

SHOW HIM! Don't use words. Use your mouth. Find something that most resembles your pussy and just show him and ask him to repeat it after you (and grade him ).

 

KISSING:

Teach him how to kiss you when you don't do other things at the same time. Tell him to open his mouth but keep his lips relaxed then tell him to stick his tongue out and show him how to kiss. Weird, huh, but some guys don't know how to kiss. My ex-bf would kiss with half-open mouth as if he was sick of me.

 

BONDAGE & TYING:

Just say NO to that idea in the future except when you're into pleasing him.

 

DISPLAYS OF SEXUAL AFFECTION IN PUBLIC:

Just touch him and put his hand on your intimate parts or wherever you want. Whisper in his ear with a sexy voice.

 

PASSION:

Just tell him that you want pure, wild, savage sex without any fore-play.

 

You don't have to make him feel like he's missing the point all this time; tell him you've changed your preferences when it comes to all these things. Encourage him when he does something right. He will be excited if you are!

Of course stuff like this bother you and naturally you don't want to end up a relationship that is wonderful in other major aspects.

[josephanthony69]

AMEN to telling him what you like/don't like!!! And then, if he is so stupid as to not listen - then figure out where you want to be.!!

[AliceW]

Thanks so much for your replies, everybody. I'm really at wit's end about this. I think the problem has a number of levels :

 

- he and I just have some different rhythms and preferences when it comes to sex--but I think it's nothing we can't work around, and in fact it can be nice because it makes for variety, but it does require us boht to be vocal and about our needs and willing to take turns

 

-he needs to become a more proactive about finding out what I want and providing it

 

-I need to become a lot more willing to tell him exactly what I want (that will be the hardest part!)

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by AliceW

I need to become a lot more willing to tell him exactly what I want (that will be the hardest part!)

 

Telling the truth is always the hardest part, but it shouldn't be. It's amazing how many things in life we can accomplish by demanding them. Simply say what you want without being too careful about the subject, because if you create an atmosphere of delicacy, it will make your partner think that he's done something wrong and you're patronizing him, which automatically puts him in a low position. On the other hand, if you act like you're hurt, he will feel attacked and will become defensive.

So simply say what you want as if it's the most natural thing in the world (as it is). Just like I say to my boyfriend "no, I want to be on top now."

[AliceW]

OK, so we had a couple of big talks over the weekend about this issue. The first one was kind of tense and unpleasant...I'm even sure exactly why...I think the issue was that I was trying to say that I was troubled by the fact that we seemed to be having a hard time communicating with each other about our sexual desires, and he somehow mentally translated that into me accusing him of not asking enough questions and therefore of not caring about what I wanted.

 

Then, last night when I got into bed he just asked me in a very straightforward way what sorts of things I'd like to explore/get more of/etc sexually, which led to a very good and helpful conversation in which I think I managed to explain at least one aspect of my frustration: the spontaneity/passion vs. gadgets/restraints/etc thing. He told me that the last thing he wanted was for me to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable (which was very sweet, but I KNOW it is still a disappointment for him, because bondage is a really big turn-on for him).

 

The one thing that was upsetting was that he said he felt "stimied" about our sex life...that he felt bad and frustrated because he spent a lot of time dreaming up interesting things to do with me sexually, but that they weren't working out for me. I didn't know what to say to that. It is true that he is very creative in that area, and I do appreciate it...it's just that bondage was pretty much always involved in one way or another in these scenarios, and that was just really not working for me. So m,aybe now that I've communicated my feelings about the restraints issue, he'll start applying that creativeity and imagination to other interesting sexual scenarios...

 

I also wish he would tell ME more about what HE wants. Surely there must be something other than bondage that he's like to explore? I asked him, and he just said that it was hard for him to focus on himself sexually when he felt that I was frustrated and unhappy.

 

The big thing that remains to be addressed is the oral sex thing, which is just such a bizarre problem. He claims that what works for me changes from day to day...that something I like on one day would not work at all the next. I don't know what to say to that...and I don't know how to explain what I want, because I often can't tell exactly what he's doing when something feels good. And the weird thing is that I also experience it as very irregular...some nights oral sex with him feels wonderful, and other nights it does nothing for me. I really would think that this problem was just me if it weren't for the fact that I've never had this problem with other lovers!!

 

I think if I can just make him understand that warmth and wetness are very important...that he shouldn't use his tongue without the rest of his mouth, and that making his mouth very wet is important...that would go a very long way toward solving the problem...

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble...

[AliceW]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

if you create an atmosphere of delicacy, it will make your partner think that he's done something wrong and you're patronizing him, which automatically puts him in a low position.

So simply say what you want as if it's the most natural thing in the world (as it is). Just like I say to my boyfriend "no, I want to be on top now."

 

That's a very good point!

[RecordProducer]

Thanks. Hope you implement it.

[AliceW]

I have been trying to implement it, and it seems to be helping! We'll see how it goes...

 

Thanks!

[jnel921]

I can't feel bad for you...because at least you are getting some sex..while alot of us are dreaming about it at night while laying next to our significant others...

 

But I do understand the importance of knowing how to please. I agree because I like oral and kissing too.

 

Explain to your bf that all women are not alike. All of us are not stimulated by the same things. For example....I hate having my breasts licked and sucked...It does completely nothing for me.....But there are men who think this is the greatest thing. I have to respect the guys feelings for what pleases him...because that's what gets him off. So u see it goes both ways. Kissing is a very passionate thing. It shouldnt be so dry and cold. I've had plenty of guys who needed lessons on keeping the saliva to themselves.

 

I'm sure there are men with the same kind of gripes. Hey my husband told me exactly how to slob on his knob...I wasn't offended. Cause I will do what he likes.

 

Have your BF eat some Mangos.... It may help him improve on his technique.

 

Good Luck.