KansasChica Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I broke it off with my ex about 4 months ago because after 2 years together, he wasn't ready to take the next step. We're both in our 30s. I loved him so much and it broke my heart. He kept telling me we were on the same page, we looked at houses together, but when I asked him if definitely saw a future with me, he couldn't answer and I walked away. He never begged me to stay or anything. Since then, I've been trying to move on. I've been dating, exercising, having fun. But I miss him a great deal and I think I secretly hoped he would come to his senses and realize how wonderful I was and how good we were together. I loved his family, his friends, he loved mine. I saw him yesterday out of the blue, and he looked great. I stupidly checked facebook and he's been hanging out with these hot girls, seemingly loving his single life, and he told me he's moving into a new expensive place downtown. It's so frustrating. I know (looking back) that he wasn't ready to settle down (at least not with me). It just hurts still that he's able to be so happy without me. Maybe it's my bruised ego or the fact that he just wasn't that emotionally invested in me. It just sucks. I haven't been able to click with anyone new because I had so much hope invested in him. How do I keep moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I'm in the same boat only my ex is an attractive woman. I wish I could answer you on how to keep moving on as I'm struggling to do the same thing. The only thing I can tell myself is that if they weren't absolutely committed to making it work with me, and if I was just a placeholder for their loneliness, that chances are they would eventually either 1.) Have a wondering eye for what they REALLY wanted 2.) Given more years of my time, perhaps my best years, and honor, respect, and commitment only to have my world come crashing down when #1 finally happened. In the end, they don't want us. Perhaps they found value in us (after all they DID give their time to us) but we both deserve more. We both deserve someone who will love, appreciate, respect, and adore us completely and without permanent reservations and conditions. It hurts, it hurts very much. However, keep holding on to the one who will come along who REALLY knocks your socks off (and mutually) and perhaps, just perhaps if that happens, we will look back to these days as a learning experience. Also, stop looking at his facebook and social media! You can let it burn by thinking he's moving on, feel your tears, pain, etc, but let it make you stronger and then SHUT IT DOWN. That's my recommendation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 IMO, having gone down this path many times in life, what seemed to help was accepting that I really didn't/don't know how any particular partner or spouse felt about me but I did love them for awhile and hope they found that meaningful while it went on. Once it ended, life went on. People finish their business, accept it for what it is, and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Van Norden Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I don't think you meant nothing. I'm currently struggling with the same thought, derived from the fact that she hasn't sent me breadcrumbs since I asked her to remain silent if she didn't want to reconcile. I've cried enough for this, and my therapist denies that such things means our relationship was devoid of meaning. She insists that I should have meant something to her, so she's the specialist so the same can be applied to you. As for hanging out happily and having a luxurious life, one never knows. I'm inclined to think that my ex is living better than with me (otherwise she would have reached out, wouldn't she?), but sometimes we have to show a façade to hide our inner demons. I hope so, since the last time we accidentally met she looked happy until she asked me for that tragic compassionate hug. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Stay off FB & other social media involving him. It's an illusion anyway. People only post the happy stuff; they want people to think they have a perfect life. Concentrate on how you are doing & healing. Don't worry about him 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 If he's on sites like this one, he's going to be advised not to contact you because you broke up with him. So I'd table that expectation -- it's not going to happen. Unfortunately, since you dumped, it's on you to go to him, not the other way around. Never break up with someone to elicit a reaction. That being said, it doesn't sound like the reasons why you broke up with him have been fixed, so it's best to let this sleeping dog lie. Take solace in the fact that you gave it your all. As long you do that in all aspects of your life, you'll be fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KansasChica Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 If he's on sites like this one, he's going to be advised not to contact you because you broke up with him. So I'd table that expectation -- it's not going to happen. Unfortunately, since you dumped, it's on you to go to him, not the other way around. Never break up with someone to elicit a reaction. That being said, it doesn't sound like the reasons why you broke up with him have been fixed, so it's best to let this sleeping dog lie. Take solace in the fact that you gave it your all. As long you do that in all aspects of your life, you'll be fine. I understand what you're saying. I really wasn't trying to elicit a reaction- I just knew I couldn't stay in the relationship as it was. I loved him a great deal and he claimed he loved me back- but I felt neglected, taken for granted. He never spoke about the future and just didn't seem that excited to be with me anymore. It was heart breaking so when I brought up the future talk and he was uncertain (even after 2+ years), I knew I had to walk away. I think I held out a hope during most of the relationship- hope that he would finally decide on me and stop pushing/pulling. When I left, I held out hope that he would see how important I was. You're right- I've struggled with wondering if I made the right decision and if I should reach back out, but I don't think anything has changed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I wonder why he's posting pictures of himself with hot girls? And why is he bragging that he's moving into an expensive place? Is he trying to make you feel bad? If so, he actually sounds like he's deliberately being a jerk. Often, I think we women feel sad when we should actually feel mad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LYNNLH Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I'm in the same boat only my ex is an attractive woman. I wish I could answer you on how to keep moving on as I'm struggling to do the same thing. The only thing I can tell myself is that if they weren't absolutely committed to making it work with me, and if I was just a placeholder for their loneliness, that chances are they would eventually either 1.) Have a wondering eye for what they REALLY wanted 2.) Given more years of my time, perhaps my best years, and honor, respect, and commitment only to have my world come crashing down when #1 finally happened. ^^^ This. I'm the perfect example. You did the right thing by walking away. I commend you for doing that and being strong enough. I didn't. My low sense of self esteem allowed him to string me along for 7 years. He has never want to marry me. ..and deep down..my gut feeling told me that he never was into me all along yet I stayed. Simply because I truly loved him and also thought I couldn't do better. He dropped me like a hot spud the moment he moved to a new country and when he knew he could start a new life with new women. Like fireflywy said..my world came crashing down when he finally gets the chance to find what he really wanted. I now regret I didn't leave when I should. It hurts now, I understand..but you certainly did the right thing for leaving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KansasChica Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 ^^^ This. I'm the perfect example. You did the right thing by walking away. I commend you for doing that and being strong enough. I didn't. My low sense of self esteem allowed him to string me along for 7 years. He has never want to marry me. ..and deep down..my gut feeling told me that he never was into me all along yet I stayed. Simply because I truly loved him and also thought I couldn't do better. He dropped me like a hot spud the moment he moved to a new country and when he knew he could start a new life with new women. Like fireflywy said..my world came crashing down when he finally gets the chance to find what he really wanted. I now regret I didn't leave when I should. It hurts now, I understand..but you certainly did the right thing for leaving. He always flirted with other women- it was blatant, but enough that I was uncomfortable. When I called him out, he claimed to not realizing he was doing it. Thanks for posting LYNNLH. That was my biggest worry. Now that I'm in my 30s, I don't want to spend all of my years with this guy who couldn't even tell me if I was in his future. I felt like he would have definitely strung me along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leone13 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I broke it off with my ex about 4 months ago because after 2 years together, he wasn't ready to take the next step. We're both in our 30s. I loved him so much and it broke my heart. He kept telling me we were on the same page, we looked at houses together, but when I asked him if definitely saw a future with me, he couldn't answer and I walked away. He never begged me to stay or anything. Since then, I've been trying to move on. I've been dating, exercising, having fun. But I miss him a great deal and I think I secretly hoped he would come to his senses and realize how wonderful I was and how good we were together. I loved his family, his friends, he loved mine. I saw him yesterday out of the blue, and he looked great. I stupidly checked facebook and he's been hanging out with these hot girls, seemingly loving his single life, and he told me he's moving into a new expensive place downtown. It's so frustrating. I know (looking back) that he wasn't ready to settle down (at least not with me). It just hurts still that he's able to be so happy without me. Maybe it's my bruised ego or the fact that he just wasn't that emotionally invested in me. It just sucks. I haven't been able to click with anyone new because I had so much hope invested in him. How do I keep moving on? I can relate very much. My relationship ended 2 months ago, after 3 years of standing by his side. We were committed to each other (so I thought), wanted the same things, and talked about our future. We definitely had our challenges though. He had his own struggles with career/ health/family, but I remained patient. I gave him all of myself, my energy, and loved him unconditionally. I believed in him, and he just kept wanting more 'time' Eventually time ran out, and stress took its toll on our relationship. while I've been hurt and struggling with the separation, he very quickly moved on. He now has a good job, working hard, and on path to be the man I always believed. It hurts that He's made such a clean break, while I remain broken. I can't help but wondering if I really meant to him what he said. How he can walk away so easily if he truly cared. So I ask the same question. How do you get over that you meant nothing? While I haven't reached there yet, it comes when fulfillment in your own life begins to fill those voids. we kept space in our hearts for someone else, and now it has to filled again. word on the street is it just takes time- how much may be up to us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 How do I keep moving on? *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WhatWeHad Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I'll agree with what others have said here. You did the right thing by ending things when you realized he didn't want the same things as you did from the relationship. You looked out for yourself and put what you wanted before what he didn't want. Doesn't make it any easier to swallow of course, but try to take comfort in one thing: you've opened yourself up for the right person who does want you. Right now you have his face on that ideal and its hard to erase that, but you can and will find someone else who will embody the things you love about him AND he'll want you for every great thing that you are. He won't have to think about it or hesitate. He will know 100% that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. Focus on that and wipe your ex's face off of that thought. Don't even try to picture a face, just focus on the feeling of having that kind of love in your life. How much better it would feel than how you have felt; how much happier you will be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 When I struggle with feeling like you are, I remind myself that it's not ME he was rejecting, it was what I expected from our relationship. And that he is going to be the same with anyone he's involved with. My ex didn't want to fully commit either, and he would deflect any sort of conversation I would try to have about it. The only time he really got semi-serious was when I told him that, while I wasn't putting any sort of time limit on it, I was looking for a relationship that was going to have the possibility of ending in marriage. I told him that if this wasn't ever going to happen with us that I needed him to tell me, so I knew what to expect. He didn't like hearing this, and said he was going to buy me a promise ring, and maybe an engagement ring someday. I'm 38 and he's 41. Come f*cking on! This sounds a little like your situation, and it's not about how much you meant or didn't mean either. Guys like that aren't going to settle with anyone who is going to expect anything long-term from them. You absolutely made the right decision, if he wasn't able or willing to give you what you wanted. But of course you're going to miss him, I'm sure he wasn't a bad guy. Just not the one for you. There's probably a bit of mourning the loss of what you wanted your relationship to be, too. I know that was true for me. Once we broke up, I had to admit that I was never going to have the chance at a life with him. I wasn't anyway, but I had to stop pretending. A blog that has helped me a lot is called "Baggage Reclaim", not sure if you've ever visited it. I suspect your ex was a bit emotionally unavailable, and she discusses these guys a lot, and helps understand why they do what they do, and how to deal with being with one. She has a lot of great breakup advice in general too, I have learned so much from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Read "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love" This may address many things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KansasChica Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Read "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love" This may address many things. Yeah, I read that. It's definitely true. I think his avoidance brought out the worst in my anxiety. Not every boyfriend I've had has done that. It was a vicious cycle/ roller coaster. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Definitely don't reach back for him. He likes his single life and probably won't settle down for quite some time. Keep moving on because if you go back at this stage he would treat you worse than before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nugget_718 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 It's so frustrating. I know (looking back) that he wasn't ready to settle down (at least not with me). It just hurts still that he's able to be so happy without me. Maybe it's my bruised ego or the fact that he just wasn't that emotionally invested in me. It just sucks. I haven't been able to click with anyone new because I had so much hope invested in him. How do I keep moving on? [/Quote] Just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep doing yourself. And how could you be so sure that he is truly happy? Like what d0nnovain said, FB & other social media is an illusion. Looking at his FB page will either make you angry or nostalgic. And you don't want the nostalgia because it sets you back from your healing. What you need is to redirect your thoughts away from him and the relationship. I think his avoidance brought out the worst in my anxiety. Not every boyfriend I've had has done that. It was a vicious cycle/ roller coaster. You're wise (and very brave) to get out of the roller coaster cycle this early. Had you not, he could string you along longer. I know someone who has been in a roller coaster relationship for 15 yrs; on and off. On when everything is good and dandy, off if he gets bored with the relationship. He will never marry her. Why would he when he could get her back anytime because she sets weak boundaries. I am telling you this because had you not been so strong to set that boundary, you could easily set yourself up like her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KansasChica Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 I'm close to 5 months out of a 2 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry. Problem was, he could never quite make up his mind whether or not he wanted to settle down with me or keep playing the bachelor life. When things were good, they were great. But I could feel his ambivalence- there were so many mixed messages, push-pull behavior. I finally ended it when he couldn't straight out tell me if I was in his future or not (which obviously was devastating to hear). We texted back and forth some after the breakup- just trivial stuff and now nothing. We haven't spoken in over a month. I didn't end it to make him miss me- I legitimately could not stay in the relationship as it was going. But a part of me was hoping he would get his crap together and realize what he was losing... but that didn't happen. Now he's moving/ has moved on. I thought I would feel relief after the breakup. I loved him so much and wanted my future to be with him. But the roller coaster was a lot to deal with. Instead, I feel worse than ever. I think about him constantly- even obsess. I still cry every day. I feel like I've been doing everything right- traveling, working out, trying to stay active, meeting new people, occasional dating, but not much. Nothing seems to be helping. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Did I read correctly that you have been NC for a month ? A 2 year relationship is a good amount of time. And if it was push - pull type of relationship can take some time, more than usual, to sort out in your mind/heart and soul. Especially if you felt like you were more committed, both feet in and doing most of the necessary work to keep the relationship moving forward. Keep moving forward with the activities you have been doing and keep in mind that there is not time line on healing. Also, I found it best when I keep the distractions more in the "healthy" zone with working out, travel, meditation ect. Also, it can be a challenge to want to sort him out in your mind. The truth is all you need to do is focus on your life and passions. What he is doing is none of your business. A good book that helped me was "He's Scared, She's Scared" Be willing to be alone for a while and learn some lessons. Better to learn them know and not have to repeat them in the future. Might take 2 years to fully move on. Be gentle on yourself and stay close to your support group. Link to post Share on other sites
crimsontactics Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 How do you move on? Simply, treat yourself like you would a lover. When you're brushing your teeth and facing the mirror, complement yourself. When you're buying lunch, treat yourself to something nice (even a surprise) like you would a date. When you're talking to others about yourself, talk as if you are your own lover. Sooner or later, the focus will turn from your ex to YOU! Go out and have a date with yourself! Stay cheerful! Link to post Share on other sites
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