received email from estranged father

[makeithappen]

so, I just received an email from my estranged father. The email contains no greetings, and no content, esxcept for a scanned letter from a debt collecting agency (I got overpaid at my former employer and forgot to update my details, so I never received communications which the letter states I should have received).

 

I really need some kind words. I don't know why I feel so triggered. Maybe it's the knowledge that they're alive, but doing the bare minimum by just sending me a letter and not writing anything in the email.I am touched that they forwarded me this letter, but at the same time, it shows to me that they can contact me. That they eventually found a way to communicate, but have chosen not to use it to talk to me, or get in touch all this time.

 

I am so upset

[Tayla]

Would you care to expand upon what created the rift? Was it mutual? You sound disappointed... What would you like or need at this time to help you thru this?

[makeithappen]

Would you care to expand upon what created the rift? Was it mutual? You sound disappointed... What would you like or need at this time to help you thru this?

 

 

 

i left home due to living in a dysfunctional family and having experienced traumatic events (bullying, violence, emotional/verbal abuse)...

 

I have been angry all along at them. Angry about how they treated me. I hoped that one day, they would realise the hurt and pain they caused me, and try to mend ties.

 

That they have not tried to contact me for nearly a year (when I left), but know how to, breaks my heart. The empty email with just the scanned letter made me feel upset. Not just because it was empty, but also because it was from him. I have been trying to block them out from my memory and only recently started coming to terms.... Seeing this email with no sign of remorse, with no message, is quite painful ....

[Tayla]

hmmmmm....... you made a healthy choice... to recoup your life.

 

you may not understand what i say here... as the past tends to cloud things.... but maybe just maybe.... your parents way of allowing you to heal and make a better life is their peace offering to you... you may never understand the past burdens.... yet i can assure you... sometimes a parent doesn't always have words to show remorse.... so staying away is an option for them.....

 

Sincerely sorry to hear of your history...

[Gunny376]

As the estranged father of a 34 year old daughter, and a 31 years old son? I can share this with you. I ABSOLUTELY do NOT care if I EVER hear from, see, speak to, lay eyes upon either of them, nor ever hear of them, let alone from them again. And, I absolutely intend to do everything I can to vanish from their lives as if I never was or had fallen off of the face of the Earth.

 

 

My one and only regret? Is that I didn't do so TWENTY YEARS ago! Having instead wasted a unbelievable amount of time, effort, energy, and money in striving to have a relationship with them. Sacrificing time and time again missed opportunity upon missed opportunity.

 

 

I would NEVER have tolerated such behavior, neglect, contempt, disrespect FROM any other person on the face of the Earth and the only reason I did, for as long as I did, was because they once upon a time ~ my children, my daughter and my son. But just because my names happens to be upon their birth certificates is no reason for me to suffer that which I would NEVER suffer from any other person.

 

 

They can walk this Earth with "would have, could have, should have" and filled with regret for having listened repeatedly to the words, manipulations, deceit of their lying, cheating, narcissistic mother, and remain her little Flying Monkeys to do her bedding, at her every beck and call, ~ enraptured in the cult-like ~ trance like devotion ~ worship of her. And it will they who must walk this Earth this next 40 or so years filled with regret.

 

 

There will be no forgiveness, no reconciliation, .........................EVER!

[stillafool]

Wow Gunny, I don't know what your son and daughter did to you by I know two other men who feel the same way you do about their kids.

[Gunny376]

Parental Alienation and Estrangement ~ is at epidemic proportions in the United States and in most of the Western countries. There are many, many, many facets and causes of it, but its most direct link is to the last seventy or eighty years of so-called Women's Liberation. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Misogynist by any stretch of the imagination. And if one would watch the movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes" any logical person with (so-called) "Normal" person could see and would see how bluntly skewed divorce was in favor of men. Indeed, for the better part of the Twentieth century, let alone prior to that? Women had virtually no rights to martial assets, property, even children. But in the process of setting the scales of Justice correctly? The pendulum has swung too far in the other direction of women.

[makeithappen]

Parental Alienation and Estrangement ~ is at epidemic proportions in the United States and in most of the Western countries. There are many, many, many facets and causes of it, but its most direct link is to the last seventy or eighty years of so-called Women's Liberation. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Misogynist by any stretch of the imagination. And if one would watch the movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes" any logical person with (so-called) "Normal" person could see and would see how bluntly skewed divorce was in favor of men. Indeed, for the better part of the Twentieth century, let alone prior to that? Women had virtually no rights to martial assets, property, even children. But in the process of setting the scales of Justice correctly? The pendulum has swung too far in the other direction of women.

 

You are a misogynist.

 

Blaming women for patriarchal norms (after all, the whole traditional family system is based on patriarchal values/norms) displays a clear hatred for women.

[d0nnivain]

.I am touched that they forwarded me this letter, but at the same time, it shows to me that they can contact me.

 

I am so upset

 

 

Is that sarcasm? I don't understand why you are "touched"? I'd be pissed that my father's only communication in over a year was to forward a collection notice.

 

 

Of course you should be upset. It's a slap in the face.

 

 

You said you left because you were bullied & mistreated. This letter tells me you were right to leave. To me it would be the final nail in the coffin. I'd be at peace with my decision to get away from these awful people & I'd stay away from them unless they came to me with a full apology & a truly changed attitude (which is unlikely to happen)

[makeithappen]

Is that sarcasm? I don't understand why you are "touched"? I'd be pissed that my father's only communication in over a year was to forward a collection notice.

 

 

Of course you should be upset. It's a slap in the face.

 

 

You said you left because you were bullied & mistreated. This letter tells me you were right to leave. To me it would be the final nail in the coffin. I'd be at peace with my decision to get away from these awful people & I'd stay away from them unless they came to me with a full apology & a truly changed attitude (which is unlikely to happen)

 

 

 

i am mad, but somehow, i am happy that they did not keep ignoring it coz i would be in even more trouble. Apparently, i have been contacted multiple times, but this is the only thing i receive.

 

 

can you please explain how this letter tells me i was right to leave; how it is a clear sign that i should stay away? I feel like i have overlooked something with this email.

 

Many thanks

[d0nnivain]

can you please explain how this letter tells me i was right to leave; how it is a clear sign that i should stay away? I feel like i have overlooked something with this email.

 

1. they waited to send it to you allowing you to fall further behind in interest, penalties etc.

 

2. They sent the cold collections letter with no personal missive not even a wish that you are in good health

 

3. They did not indicate that they miss you.

 

4. The sent it the coldest way possible -- e-mail -- rather than trying to find your location.

 

Nothing about what they did indicates to me that they care about you or want to repair the relationship.

 

Sorry.

[makeithappen]

1. they waited to send it to you allowing you to fall further behind in interest, penalties etc.

 

2. They sent the cold collections letter with no personal missive not even a wish that you are in good health

 

3. They did not indicate that they miss you.

 

4. The sent it the coldest way possible -- e-mail -- rather than trying to find your location.

 

Nothing about what they did indicates to me that they care about you or want to repair the relationship.

 

Sorry.

 

 

you are right! they have my new number as I once texted my mum on my new mobile number.

 

It is so painful to realise that people you thought incapable of such things can actually be quite cold, unloving and uncaring.

 

I think they must think my life must be sucking so badly without them, given the contents of the letter.

 

I bet they must have been telling themselves I doing doing so badly without them. I bet they're so happy that I am apparently not coping.

[d0nnivain]

I doubt they are happy. Indifferent maybe. But you are better off without them, sad to say.

 

Build your own fabulous life! That will be the best revenge.

[whichwayisup]

 

I have been angry all along at them. Angry about how they treated me. I hoped that one day, they would realise the hurt and pain they caused me, and try to mend ties.

 

They won't realize this on their own, they won't be the ones to mend fences, bring it up and apologize. if you want a R with them, you need to be the one who pushes it, tries to work it out and get them to understand what they did to you was wrong and go from there, do counseling with them if need be (if they are willing).

[preraph]

Your parents are not going to change. You need to forget about them and make yourself the type of life you want.

[casey.lives]

There comes a time in everyone's life where the parent child relationship flips.. and the child becomes the teacher and the parent the student. This may be what you are required to do... teach your parents the value and importance of familial relations. I think you should persist. It's family. You are an adult and can lead and pioneer on behalf of your family. That might be the very reason this "quest" is presented to you. To build character

[robaday]

Sorry you are estranged from them. Also sorry that this letter seems to be causing more pain.

 

Whilst most of us know right from wrong, is it possible your parents dont even know their behavior was out of line? I'm not trying to diminish what hurt they have caused you, just some people can be so self centred they dont even realise they are behaving horribly

 

I say this because my Dad thinks his behavior normal and it wasn't until I confronted him about it and set some home truths that he actually respected me (somewhat).

 

Narcissists arent really aware of their shortcomings, not defending your parents at all, just wonder if they need to hear what they did to you, to start a path toward reconciliation.

[dreamingoftigers]

hmmmmm....... you made a healthy choice... to recoup your life.

 

you may not understand what i say here... as the past tends to cloud things.... but maybe just maybe.... your parents way of allowing you to heal and make a better life is their peace offering to you... you may never understand the past burdens.... yet i can assure you... sometimes a parent doesn't always have words to show remorse.... so staying away is an option for them.....

 

Sincerely sorry to hear of your history...

 

And sometimes parents are totally self-centered pricks.

 

I am a parent BTW.

 

I think that often the "Parental Halo" is too liberally attached to everyone in this society.

 

They treated OP as an object to control, and now that they can't control OP, they cast OP aside.

 

Now in fact they are showing OP just how clerical their regard is for OP.

[dreamingoftigers]

As the estranged father of a 34 year old daughter, and a 31 years old son? I can share this with you. I ABSOLUTELY do NOT care if I EVER hear from, see, speak to, lay eyes upon either of them, nor ever hear of them, let alone from them again. And, I absolutely intend to do everything I can to vanish from their lives as if I never was or had fallen off of the face of the Earth.

 

 

My one and only regret? Is that I didn't do so TWENTY YEARS ago! Having instead wasted a unbelievable amount of time, effort, energy, and money in striving to have a relationship with them. Sacrificing time and time again missed opportunity upon missed opportunity.

 

 

I would NEVER have tolerated such behavior, neglect, contempt, disrespect FROM any other person on the face of the Earth and the only reason I did, for as long as I did, was because they once upon a time ~ my children, my daughter and my son. But just because my names happens to be upon their birth certificates is no reason for me to suffer that which I would NEVER suffer from any other person.

 

 

They can walk this Earth with "would have, could have, should have" and filled with regret for having listened repeatedly to the words, manipulations, deceit of their lying, cheating, narcissistic mother, and remain her little Flying Monkeys to do her bedding, at her every beck and call, ~ enraptured in the cult-like ~ trance like devotion ~ worship of her. And it will they who must walk this Earth this next 40 or so years filled with regret.

 

 

There will be no forgiveness, no reconciliation, .........................EVER!

 

How ridiculous. Talk about absolving yourself of any responsibility.

 

I bet they greatly notice your absenteeism and clear rejection. And probably have for a long number of years.

 

It disgusts me when parents act as though they are the victims. You brought your children into this world. It isn't their fault if you failed to bond with them. You are and were in the position of authority, not them. Being military, you understand the responsibility that comes with authority. However parental authority comes with not having the expectation of obedience and that your children "fall in line" with your feelings.

 

Your role is to help their walk through life, not vice-versa.

 

The VERY LEAST a parent can do is validate their feelings, no matter how inaccurate you may find them. Validating you child's feelings doesn't mean that you have to agree with their circumstance or version of events. Many relationships can be saved and grown from simply validating that they saw something different than you.

 

Furthermore, it is pretty clear that you feel in competition with their mother. The extreme vast majority of children won't simply exclude you on her version of events alone. They will, however, cast you off if you don't keep an active role in their lives.

 

My father is the type that throws people away when they are "off the reserve" of his control. Anyone, family or not. Daughter or not. And guess what? It's pathetic.

 

I have been told him that "I would understand when I became a parent" or what have you. My behaviour, by the way was not unreasonable as a teen or young adult. I didn't run away as a teen. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. My grades were excellent and I didn't have sex while I lived at home. (I left home at 17 due to his abuse).

 

As I have gotten older and had my own child, did I come to understand his mentality? Only in the clinical sense. Otherwise, I have completely rejected it and the long list of excuses attached to it. My husband was raised in a similar way to myself and I have seen the effects of it first-hand for both of us. It was nothing short of highly-damaging and toxic. And for nothing at that.

 

Furthermore, that unforgiving nature..... that responsibility of being a parent that you now shun....was a GIFT.

 

It was a GIFT.

 

I lost my daughter for six months at one point. My case went under appeal and review just this past year. You know what the ruling was? A full apology. There was nothing in my file that was properly substantiated and the things that were alleged in my file were not appropriate for an apprehension. Plus, the suspension of a social worker for flying by the seat of her pants in not just my case but two others which were also appealed.

 

However, for that approximate six months (which usually runs closer to a year or more, but my husband and my efforts were far above and beyond, only needing a wait list on their end to clear) I became increasingly aware of the depths of pain I could experience.

 

But the one lesson stood out from the whole thing: they could take my daughter. They could even, if so ordered, even make it so I never saw her again. But I was still her mother. I would always be her mother and I was LUCKY that she had not met the fate of many children around the world. She didn't have a horrid disease. She wasn't dead. She was away from me, with the risk that she might never come home.

 

BUT that did not take away who I was: her mother. If they ruled to keep her, then I would never stop fighting them. I looked at them as though they were her captors and I faced them almost everyday for six months never showing a sign of weakness or instability. When I went to court for her hearing and the lawyer tried to make me look crazy, I kept calm, orderly and reasonable.

 

If they kept her forever, as her mother, my role in her life would be to make the world that she grew up in a better place and way that I could. If she died before I could see her again, then as her mother I would make the world a better place for all children IN HER MEMORY. Because I am her mother.

 

Her fate did not decide my ultimate identity in the same way that the behaviour of your children doesn't decide whether or not you are a father.

 

PLUS, you probably have grandchildren.

 

I also have a narcissistic grandfather. He couldn't care less about anyone. The guy had his mistress (whom he's been with 30+ years take a picture of him in front of the Taj Mahal and send it to my grandmother. And she displays it! Ironically, it makes perfect sense. There he is, in front of the Taj Mahal with his one true love --- himself.) We have seen each other in passing a few times. One time he told me about a bunch of his extramarital conquests. I had to remind him that I am his granddaughter.

 

My grandmother, on the other hand, despite her strained relationship with my parents has always been reachable and willing to talk with me. She is someone I think of as a mother-figure. She is 90 now and very much on top of things. A pinnacle of good sense and health.

 

Who are you going to be to the future generations that come after? A blank spot? Reviled? A non-entity? Or do only you matter?

 

So these children you brought here sided with their Mother on some things that hurt your heart? Frustrated you?

 

And your response to your own children lashing out is to erase them?

 

Fool! You are erasing part of yourself. And giving their poor behaviour the power to define you.

 

Gunny, I respect a lot of your marriage stances. And I am sure my opinion isn't a make it or break it. But frankly, I will always call out those that cast their kids aside. I don't care if they are psychotic killers. Their behaviour does not change the role that you signed up for.