Has my mentor (father figure) gone off the deep end?

[Kaiten]

I actually have the timeline of my life divided by two periods:

1) Kaiten (pre-self-confident)

2) Kaiten (confident)

 

*Confidence used to be a major issue for me in the past. That is no longer the case

 

I met my mentor, Bryan, when I had just turned 18. That was around the time I had just started trying to learn to do flips. He urged me that flips and dancing were a waste of time. I didn't listen to him because it was something I was very passionate about. He tried to stop me from doing that for years.

 

During that time, Bryan also tried to get me into some jobs that had the potential for me to move up the ladder. Those jobs interested me nil. He insisted that it was the only way for me to become anything since I had dropped out of high school and couldn't get into any college. That talk took its toll on my self-image for quite some time.

 

By 23 years old, it turns out that I got so good at tumbling and dance that I decided to learn to coach and that became my primary source of income. I then taught myself how to code (without anyone even knowing) and got pretty decent at that.

 

I wound up launching my own business (which failed, trying to re-launch). I even gave a few presentations and got to speak to junior-high students about entrepreneurship and all kinds of stuff. I made it quite far and with no help or guidance from Bryan or the church. In fact, I actually had to do that in spite of the church's discouragement.

 

I recently reconnected with Bryan, thinking that he might be proud. That wasn't the case. Bryan posits that I ran from church because of fear of rejection — which apparently stems from my childhood. And that I am rebellious, lacking in wisdom and maturity. I may concede the maturity part. I like to do flips after church service and I'm 23 years old. Worse is, I don't care

 

Bryan says that no one will ever take me seriously because I cut my own hair but don't line it, people see wrinkles in my clothes at church, I don't have church clothes at all, and people can often find me doing flips.

 

My mentor Bryan is immersed in church culture. He is a pastor actually. I am concerned because I feel that he doesn't understand how the real world works — at least the part of the world that I've seen for myself.

 

The audience of business professionals and other entrepreneurs have referred to me as:

 

Captivating, inspiring, charismatic, and great.

 

This is actually the opposite of what I hear about myself when I'm at church. Bryan concludes with this:

 

"Kaiten, you will waste your life and become just an average person if you keep on this path. If you want to be great and successful, then you need to come to church every time the doors are open. Sit on the front row in the same spot every time. Wear better clothes and get a better haircut. Only then will you be on the path to success."

 

He told me that just last night. It seems that he is just plain out of touch. I definitely get where he's coming from. You want to present a professional image in front of other professionals. But I'm no dumbass. I've come all this way from having dropped out of school.

 

I guess what I'm really trying to communicate to Bryan is that while I used to enjoy church very much, it's not for me anymore. I've been told that in my current unwilling-to-blindly-submit condition (yes, that's what he said. blindly ) I cannot possibly become a leader in the church. So there's nothing for me to give or receive there. That's why I left.

 

I find all of this so very odd because Bryan has done nothing with his life apart from ministry (which is a good thing too). But he speaks his mind about things with a level of certainty that you would find astonishing.

 

How do I convey to Bryan that church isn't really for me or people like me, without coming across as hating church? (because I love church)

 

I would love it if the church could actually be supportive of what I'm doing instead of just trying to get me to submit to them.

[Taramere]

I've never been very closely involved with religion, but it seems to me that the community hub provided by a place of worship can be a positive thing in many ways, but would be a magnet for control freaks. They can be found everywhere. A lot of the time when I meet clients who are in dispute with somebody (legal) they've formerly had a very meaningful relationship it's a case of "I went along with what they wanted for years, and as long as I did what they wanted they were great - but as soon as I tried to do my own thing, I was out in the cold."

 

I don't know what your background is, but if you've had a period in your life when you had some major problems to contend with then perhaps your mentor was really supportive and caring in helping you get through it. The problem is that in those situations, where somebody has helped you through a difficult time, they can start to feel a sense of ownership over you. That you owe them by becoming the person they think you should be, rather than giving you the space to bloom in your own way.

 

What you're experiencing in your church is, as I mentioned before, something people can experience in all sorts of environments. It's part of being a group, if you like. The group can provide comfort, friendship, support and a sense of belonging...but there's a price to pay, and the price is that in some ways the group owns you. That dynamic could probably be witnessed at its starkest in an environment such as a prison...where gang membership provides benefits, but you're expected to take the stamp of the gang (as a tattoo) and sacrifice yourself to it if told to.

 

So you're facing a conflict now between individualism and collectivism..and it's one of the hardest conflicts to reconcile. The only thing I can suggest is that if your mentor has provided very valuable support to you at times you needed it, and really benefited from it, you acknowledge that and thank him for it..but add that you are your own person. That you would appreciate him giving you free rein to explore your passions, make mistakes at times and generally live your life. However much this guy has helped you in the past, he does not own your life.

[darkmoon]

write to him, no interruptions then, he is not listening to you atmo

 

but then, you left so there is not much more to do or say

Edited April 9, 2015 by darkmoon

[almond]

I'm not quite sure how you see this guy as a mentor, as it appears that he has put you down since day dot. I'm sure his advice comes from a place of love, but he seems to have tried to stamp out your personal dreams and goals at every opportunity.

 

He is absorbed in the church, and doesn't value your achievements outside of that by the sounds of things.

 

You are proud of yourself, and you are confident now - that's all that matters. You don't need to seek validation from this guy any more.

 

If the church isn't for you, then this guy likely isn't either. He has demonstrated that he won't support your choices or be proud of them, unless they are completely in line with what he wants. It's much better to find people that have views that are more in line with your own to support you, or at least those who are somewhat accepting of different goals and achievements.

[Kaiten]

 

I don't know what your background is, but if you've had a period in your life when you had some major problems to contend with then perhaps your mentor was really supportive and caring in helping you get through it. The problem is that in those situations, where somebody has helped you through a difficult time, they can start to feel a sense of ownership over you. That you owe them by becoming the person they think you should be, rather than giving you the space to bloom in your own way.

...........

The group can provide comfort, friendship, support and a sense of belonging...but there's a price to pay, and the price is that in some ways the group owns you. That dynamic could probably be witnessed at its starkest in an environment such as a prison...where gang membership provides benefits, but you're expected to take the stamp of the gang (as a tattoo) and sacrifice yourself to it if told to.

 

 

Such a great answer and spoken so eloquently. I can't imagine wanting so much control over a person that I would literally say with my mouth for them to blindly trust me. I have tried to talk to my peers about this and it ruined my relationships with them, including my relationship with a girl I really liked. It's so unfortunate.

 

I probably shouldn't have said this, but when they told me that I was so prideful it was ridiculous, I replied to them, saying that church was the only place where I heard bad things about me.

 

I guess you're right, Taramere, and it's not the first time that I've heard that. If people help you a lot in the past, then they must feel a sense of ownership or something over you.

[Kaiten]

I'm not quite sure how you see this guy as a mentor, as it appears that he has put you down since day dot. I'm sure his advice comes from a place of love, but he seems to have tried to stamp out your personal dreams and goals at every opportunity.

.....

If the church isn't for you, then this guy likely isn't either. He has demonstrated that he won't support your choices or be proud of them, unless they are completely in line with what he wants. It's much better to find people that have views that are more in line with your own to support you, or at least those who are somewhat accepting of different goals and achievements.

 

It's funny that you say that. Bryan goes around telling people that he sees me as a son. Actually I've heard people say that he even said he was proud of me before. I haven't heard him say that, but it's what I hear. People are usually taken aback when I say, "Well damn, if he is I wish he would tell me."

 

The thing that I am trying to communicate to Bryan is that as far as his life goes, I find it to be uninspiring. I don't mean that in a negative way, but I don't want to be anything like him or any of his peers at all. He says so many things that I don't understand.

 

When we were talking the other night, (as I said before, I had totally thought he would be proud of me) he told me that what I was doing was the wrong thing because I didn't check with anyone before deciding to writing a book and starting a company. I don't even know what the hell he means by that. They are not writers or software developers, so it makes perfect sense that I wouldn't consult them.