affairing down

[veruca salt]

Hello all

 

Just need some feedback on this topic, please know I respect a everyone's advice good or bad

I've just been thinking for the last couple of days about this, you see in movies that they always portray the ow to be better than the wife in every way

Looks, youth, money

 

But....In real life it isn't the case in most affairs

It really bothers me that my xmm pursued me, when I know he really is disgusted by me now, as I know he did affair down

 

What was the point of toying with me? I just don't get it

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think it's a mistake to look at it as "he was toying" with YOU. He was toying. Period. You happened to be there. Who knows why people do what they do? Whatever the reason, it's about them. Not the AP; not the BS. It's about them. And most people think it's A OK to do what makes them feel good. Regardless of who it affects.

[snappytomcat]

Hello all

 

Just need some feedback on this topic, please know I respect a everyone's advice good or bad

I've just been thinking for the last couple of days about this, you see in movies that they always portray the ow to be better than the wife in every way

Looks, youth, money

 

But....In real life it isn't the case in most affairs

It really bothers me that my xmm pursued me, when I know he really is disgusted by me now, as I know he did affair down

 

What was the point of toying with me? I just don't get it

 

 

 

im sorry you are hurting

I know my xwh xow wasn't better than me in any department,but she gave him something he was lacking in me,i also was fixated in the looks department the first few months

like why was someone that looked like her,worth ruining a family,but you know what its not about looks,i get that now its about how selfish they are

please don't put your self worth in someone like this so called man,a real man doesn't treat a woman like that,i hope you can move on from this piece of garbage

good luck

[Gloria_Smellons]

What was the point of toying with me? I just don't get it

 

You will never get it. People's motivations are their own and even if he sat and explained it to you in minute detail, you still might not understand because whatever drives him may not drive you.

 

It's pointless to analyse him and his reasons, and will achieve nothing but spinning yourself in circles. You'd be better looking inward. Why did you act the way you did? Far more productive and helpful.

[goodyblue]

I don't think affirming down is the right way to think about it. I said this in another post somewhere but I believe my guy's ex would outrank me in some areas, she has a good paying job, I have a gaggle of kids, I am not thin by any means but neither is she... the point is, I give him what he needs and she didn't.

 

You could be a hunchback with a peg leg and no teeth, but you obviously gave him something that he needed at the time.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. What other people think you are worth does not matter. Self worth does.

[SolG]

I think he's projecting his disgust with himself and his own actions onto you. He's ultimately disgusted with himself--as he should be--but as he is too chicken **** to own it, you are the target. Give his views the validity they deserve. Which is NONE.

[sandylee1]

I've heard that term alot actually. One MM said his AP wasn't physically more attractive than his wife. He said his AP outweighed him by some 90 pounds, but that she made up for it in her enthusiasm and willingness to do pretty much whatever he asked sexually.

 

It's really about how you made him feel at the time. Stroking his ego and making him feel like the Lord supreme. Often MMs pick an AP with low self esteem and little confidence in her physical appearance, so that she feels flattered by the attention and almost lucky to be the chosen one.

 

It's cruel, wicked and manipulative of the MM, but it helps him reach the end goal. We had a family friend who had an OW twice his wife's size. The wife kept on saying, but he was always telling me I'm too fat, I need to loose weight. She was baffled.

 

TBH when I saw the OW, I'm not suprised she engaged in the A, as no man would approach her unless he had a fetish for 500+ pound sized women. She probably couldn't believe her 'luck '

 

It's all about the selfish MM.

[81West]

Veruca, I think you should consider that you've lost some perspective here. He blatantly lied to you for his own benefit in a particularly cruel way and as such used you in the process, he called you a piece of sh*t(!) and was unnecessarily cold and mean to you on the phone the other day. I'm not sure how one might affair 'down' from that. Trust me when I tell you that he was affairing 'up', just like he almost certainly married 'up'. She dumped him, and you would eventually have dumped him too. This is not a good man Veruca. And unfortunately sometimes good people are particularly vulnerable to this kind of person.

[the_artist_1970]

Hello all

 

Just need some feedback on this topic, please know I respect a everyone's advice good or bad

I've just been thinking for the last couple of days about this, you see in movies that they always portray the ow to be better than the wife in every way

Looks, youth, money

 

But....In real life it isn't the case in most affairs

It really bothers me that my xmm pursued me, when I know he really is disgusted by me now, as I know he did affair down

 

What was the point of toying with me? I just don't get it

 

As long as you think this way about yourself, you will continue to allow men to use you and pull you into illicit relationships where they don't value you. It really doesn't matter what the W or AP looks like. When I say my DH's XAP I thought I would fall over with WTH didn't he picked someone who looked better and WTH would he even look at her when he had me. What I realized was that it was my DH who had the problem within himself. It had nothing to do with the XAP. She could have been any women willing to throw her dignity away.

 

If weight is the problem, work on that. Start walking and work on looking better so you can feel good about yourself as well as improve your health. MM who cheat are no prize at all. They are just broken men who learn to spot women who don't know their worth.

[elaine567]

They are just broken men who learn to spot women who don't know their worth.

 

^^^This^^^

 

He was scouring around looking for someone who was weak, who perhaps had low self esteem, who was naive, who was hungry for love and affection, or who was inexperienced.

Had he asked a happily married woman or a confident single, she would have told him to get lost and go back to his wife.

 

Learn to love yourself, build your confidence, be very glad you are now free from that scumbag, and to hell with what he thinks.

[oldshirt]

Part of this is simply one of the differences between boys and girls.

 

Men typically don't have affairs to replace their wife with someone better. It's not about replacing anything, it's about adding additional women into the mix. They may actually be pretty happy with their wife, they just want additional poontang.

 

If men exercise their basic nature, they will assemble harems like a big bull elk in the mountains.

 

For women it's a little different. Women will seek out a need that is not getting met at home. If a woman's OM is clearly better in most regards than her H, she will leave the H for the OM and not look back.

 

If the H is only lacking in one key area but the OM takes care of that need but is less than the H in all the other areas, she will just have an A with the OM on the down low.

 

So you are basically trying to interpret this from a woman's perspective and looking at it in terms of "better," and it often doesn't work that way for men.

 

Men don't have affairs to find 'better.' They have affairs to get more. And when you are looking for more, it doesn't have to be better. It just has to be good enough.

[confusedwife1981]

Well this topic depresses me...I am definetly jealous of my H's exOW. She is younger than me in her 20's, she is beautiful like a model, she is fit and in shape, she is educated with a career and makes way more money than me, I am just a cashier. I read countless messages of my H praising her and all her accomplishments, that he loves talking to her so I can tell he likes her personality as well.

 

My H told her she is the most beautiful woman in the world to him and has told her about my financial issues and lack of a good job. So with that in mind I am not sure he "affaired down", she could easily think he "married down" and settled for me.

[Cinnimon]

Confused, it broke my heart to read what you just wrote. You know what, if this OW was so special and so sought after , she sure as hell wouldn't be waisting her time with a MM, I'm betting that while on the outside she may appear to be a super model, on the inside she is a ball of insecurity and someone who needs to be "admired" to feel any self worth. Don't let her looks fool you. Pretty is as pretty does!

[confusedwife1981]

Confused, it broke my heart to read what you just wrote. You know what, if this OW was so special and so sought after , she sure as hell wouldn't be waisting her time with a MM, I'm betting that while on the outside she may appear to be a super model, on the inside she is a ball of insecurity and someone who needs to be "admired" to feel any self worth. Don't let her looks fool you. Pretty is as pretty does!

 

Thank you Cinnamon. I often wonder why she would be involved with a MM. I wondered about her own self esteem and insecurities issues when it appears she can have any man she wants (my H told her this often as well and it was something he feared-not being good enough for HER). But then I am reminded several times that we were seperated and this was not a true affair. She was never hidden, he was wide open with her so she would have never felt like an OW so she might not have ever felt like she was doing something wrong.

 

Not mention they have been doing this even before he met and married me. I think my H has planted a deep seed in this girl years ago that she is always welcome no matter what or who is in his life.

[cocorico]

Hello all

 

Just need some feedback on this topic, please know I respect a everyone's advice good or bad

I've just been thinking for the last couple of days about this, you see in movies that they always portray the ow to be better than the wife in every way

Looks, youth, money

 

But....In real life it isn't the case in most affairs

It really bothers me that my xmm pursued me, when I know he really is disgusted by me now, as I know he did affair down

 

What was the point of toying with me? I just don't get it

 

Some men "affair up". Some men "affair down". Some "affair across". It all depends on why they engaged n an A, and what their self-esteem was like at the time.

 

Most people choose partners that they perceive are of similar "mateworthiness" to themself. Over time, this changes. A man's mateworthiness typically increases over time as he establishes himself in his career and amasses resources of different kinds. A woman's mateworthiness typically decreases over time as she ages, especially if she "doesn't age well" physically. So after decades of marriage, men will sometimes realise with shock that they are much more "mateworthy" than their Ws, and may then trade up, sometimes through an A - which involves "affairing up".

 

Other times, the situations others have described here come into play - and a man may "affair down" because he wants a temporary fix with someone he feels won't be a threat to his M.

 

Other times again, a man may simply fall in love with a friend or colleague and cross the line into an A - "affairing across" (neither up nor down).

 

There are many other permutations. Additionally, there are a host of things to consider - like, what does he really value? If you have that quality and the BW doesn't, he will consider it "affairring up", irrespective of other markers which may matter less to him. Without being inside his head and understanding his motivations, you're really just guessing.

 

But the posters who commented on his "disgust at you" being projection are spot on. He is disgusted at his own actions, and projecting that disgust onto you helps him retain his sense of himself as a good person. It is not an assessment of you, and certainly not an accurate one.

 

You need to judge yourself according to your own values, and decide for yourself whether your actions were consistent with your values, and whether you're happy with yourself or not. That should be the basis of your self-worth, not whether or not some guy who can't face his own actions considers you "disgusting".

[elaine567]

Veruca,

He went back to his wife, so he will (as well as projecting), need to tell himself and his wife that he "affaired down".

 

He needs to persuade himself and his wife that his OW was some slut who he didn't really like, and that is was all just sex.

He needs to persuade his wife that she was his best option whether she is or not, if we were to look at the comparison objectively.

[Lunay]

Veruca - I don't think he is disgusted by you, he is disgusted by the fact he got caught and can no longer eat his cake. If he was never found out, be sure it would still be carrying on... Unless you ended it.

 

Well this topic depresses me...I am definetly jealous of my H's exOW. She is younger than me in her 20's, she is beautiful like a model, she is fit and in shape, she is educated with a career and makes way more money than me, I am just a cashier. I read countless messages of my H praising her and all her accomplishments, that he loves talking to her so I can tell he likes her personality as well.

 

My H told her she is the most beautiful woman in the world to him and has told her about my financial issues and lack of a good job. So with that in mind I am not sure he "affaired down", she could easily think he "married down" and settled for me.

 

This is SO sad! I truly hope that you don't think your job defines who you are. Your H is to blame for all of it. Have you thought about changing jobs, or going back to school? For YOU, not for him or anyone else. I don't know how you're dealing with it.

 

I was once an OW. I was an "upgrade" from his wife. To him i was his "dream girl". He said & did all the right things. He was prince charming to me. I fell for all of it. Thought he was separated not still living with his wife and being a husband to her. His wife worked in a grocery store, barely gave him any sex and wasn't overly attractive. He once told me he just wanted a girl that looked as good as his cousins wife (She is very attractive). He wanted his cousin to be jealous.

Looking back I see what his wife must have been dealing with. At the time I did feel better than her, thought she was probably a bad wife to him etc. I know what kind of man he is now however, I feel terrible for what went on. I was blind.

The point is, these men are selfish. They don't truly care about either woman. They are only in it for themselves, for their own selfish reasons... They say what the women want to hear and when it turns on them, it's everyone's fault but their own and you all of a sudden are not the things you once were.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Lunay

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Your AP is not a nice person. He's a user and he was nasty to you because his world blew up due to his selfish actions. He should have known it could end like this, so it's on him.

 

Don't let yourself get used by anyone like this again. No matter what you look like, I truly believe there is someone for everyone. It's about the person you are inside. It's about the qualities and traits you display as a human being.

 

Not everyone is made to be slim. It's about making the best of what you have and being the best you can be. No amount of great looks, beat a good heart and a nice genuine person.

[Got it]

I have never agreed with the affairing up and down analogy. Speaking for myself, I didn't see it as an up or a down between my husband and OM. They were very different and my OM's personality was more like my own where my ex husband was very different.

 

In regards to MM's wife and myself, we are very different but both have strengths and weaknesses. I really don't see either being better or worse and have never had any interest in comparing.

 

At the end of the day, my affair developed out of compatibility, similarities, and attraction.

 

While I understand someone wanting to make a comparison, for myself, neither is better or worse, just different.

[veruca salt]

Thank you all

 

Reading all your replies helps a bit, today I'm having a rough day, today is also my day off work so I just sit here and over think everything

 

I do need to exercise I'm an emotional eater, and also eat out of boredom, seems like the only enjoyment I get out of life is food, and I need to stop thinking like this

 

This is going to sound weird but when a talked with his bs and I told her about my low self esteem and my weight has alot to do with me feeling so down, she offered to give me some free passes to the yoga studio she teaches at, as long as I didn't take her class cause she said that would be to weird, wish I would have taken her up on it cause she said it's so relaxing but great exercise, great for body and mind

 

I really can't afford the classes really expensive around here, I also have an appointment next week to speak to a therapist

I've always been unlucky with men, love of my life passed away, my husband is living somewhere on the streets doing drugs, and then my so called night in shining armor turned out to be a user and a liar it's not fair

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you all

 

Reading all your replies helps a bit, today I'm having a rough day, today is also my day off work so I just sit here and over think everything

 

I do need to exercise I'm an emotional eater, and also eat out of boredom, seems like the only enjoyment I get out of life is food, and I need to stop thinking like this

 

This is going to sound weird but when a talked with his bs and I told her about my low self esteem and my weight has alot to do with me feeling so down, she offered to give me some free passes to the yoga studio she teaches at, as long as I didn't take her class cause she said that would be to weird, wish I would have taken her up on it cause she said it's so relaxing but great exercise, great for body and mind

 

I really can't afford the classes really expensive around here, I also have an appointment next week to speak to a therapist

I've always been unlucky with men, love of my life passed away, my husband is living somewhere on the streets doing drugs, and then my so called night in shining armor turned out to be a user and a liar it's not fair

 

veruca, the whole 'affairing up' and 'affairing down' thing is insulting and stupid. People are people; each is different and no one is better than anyone else.

 

Forget this guy and focus on you. You don't have to take classes or belong to a gym to start exercising. There are all kinds of relatively inexpensive exercise programs you can get on CD. You can even do stairs if you have some, or walk in place while watching TV. Just make a few small changes and you will be surprised how much better you feel.

 

Do it for you. You deserve it. This guy is not worth any of your mind space.

[Lunay]

Thank you all

 

Reading all your replies helps a bit, today I'm having a rough day, today is also my day off work so I just sit here and over think everything

 

I do need to exercise I'm an emotional eater, and also eat out of boredom, seems like the only enjoyment I get out of life is food, and I need to stop thinking like this

 

This is going to sound weird but when a talked with his bs and I told her about my low self esteem and my weight has alot to do with me feeling so down, she offered to give me some free passes to the yoga studio she teaches at, as long as I didn't take her class cause she said that would be to weird, wish I would have taken her up on it cause she said it's so relaxing but great exercise, great for body and mind

 

I really can't afford the classes really expensive around here, I also have an appointment next week to speak to a therapist

I've always been unlucky with men, love of my life passed away, my husband is living somewhere on the streets doing drugs, and then my so called night in shining armor turned out to be a user and a liar it's not fair

 

If you can't afford a gym or to take yoga classes, just go for walks. It's free and you'll feel great after. You can do this every day and burn calories, get those endorphin's flowing - you'll feel better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[sandylee1]

Thank you all

 

Reading all your replies helps a bit, today I'm having a rough day, today is also my day off work so I just sit here and over think everything

 

 

I've always been unlucky with men, love of my life passed away, my husband is living somewhere on the streets doing drugs, and then my so called night in shining armor turned out to be a user and a liar it's not fair

 

VS,

 

Lots of people are unlucky in love at times, it's not just you. Before I got married I remember some guys I dated were a total waste of space.

 

The most important thing is to love yourself. Value yourself and always know that your worth more than being treated badly.

 

As others have said you can start walking for exercise and trying to eat more healthy foods, but the thing is you need to have confidence in yourself. I see lots of ladies bigger than me, wearing clothes I'd feel self concious in, but they wear the clothes with confidence. They don't hide themselves or blend into the background.

 

If you choose to work on the weight, be happy while you do so. Take it one day at a time. Go easy on yourself and be realistic about your expectations. Remember that nobody has everything they want in life, despite how it looks from the outside.

 

Just think about the BW in your situation. She's a nice kind compassionate person and her H still decided to cheat on her.

[ladydesigner]

In my WH's case he met someone who was just as broken as he is. My WH's MOW was very similar to my WH in how they perceive themselves and how selfish they both were. Both used each other for an ego boost. I believe both of them are NPD, I know my husband shares a lot of those traits and so does the MOW. MOW was younger than me and pretty, she is married to an abuser and doesn't have a great job. I am pretty and hold a great job.

 

One thing that I know for certain is most MM and MW know how to manipulate and it is usually the AP's low self -esteem they are preying on, that or vulnerability.

[truncated]

Affairs seem to have a way of putting women in competition with one another. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself with his bs.

 

If you aren't happy with who you are, use this experience as an impetus for working on yourself. In the end, you'll be better for having done so.