cenz Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 My boyfriend told me he slept with his cousin when he was 16 (he is 20 now, we've been together for 9 months), it really baffled me as it's a taboo for me and goes against my morals. It wasn't a one time thing, they went on for weeks and only ended because the cousin moved away to another state. I just can't wrap my head around it, we are in a long distance relationship that involves different countries at the other side of the world. Why wouldn't he continue it with his cousin if it's just states away? When i first found out i was furious, he argued it's not wrong and it's normal and even legal. It makes it even worse for me. After quarreling he told me he sees it as wrong now and wouldn't do it again. This was months back and i push myself to not make a big deal out of it but it's always at the back of my mind. 2 days ago i brought this up and we ended up quarelling again. Again, he said there's nothing wrong with it, and after awhile he said "i think its not wrong back then but now i do, i was explaining for back then." I feel this is bull****, if you do feel its wrong in the present, why do you feel the need to explain how it wasnt wrong in the past? The way he just shut down when i was angry and furious makes me feel like his cousin is more important and worth more than me. I called her a bitch and he asked me why i called her that and tell me she isn't. This make me even angrier as he called me THAT before, how can you call your own gf a bitch and defend other woman? i dont understand at all, and even worse he started calling my ex faggot as a way to get back to me for calling his cousin a bitch. Isn't this a red flag that he still have feelings for his cousin? He said i keep digging his past mistake, but why wouldn't i if the way he handled my insecurities is by doing all these? I feel sick whenever i thought about them having sex, he even told me he couldn't help it as his cousin was grinding on him and when they were introduced theres something different between them. Do i really need to hear all these details when im furious? I feel disgusted, i feel like i can't trust a person that has no moral boundaries..if he can do it with a family member, what else going to stop him? He told me he slept with a guy before but it was under influence of weed and he's sure he is straight and wont do it again...but all these make me question his morals. Am i overreacting? i don't know how to handle these things,especially the way he reacted when i brought it up. He wasnt supportive, he said im being irrational for getting upset of things that was in the past. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Please help! Help yourself and walk away, calmly, with no more name calling and slut shaming. You two are on very different pages. It is not illegal to sleep with your cousin but I have to say I don't know many who wouldn't feel a bit icky about it... Just walk away. Your long distance anyway so why not just end it and find someone closer to home who is on the same page as you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
fishstar Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 There's no point trying to analyse, understand or reason any of his past or present behaviour - whether that be the incidents themselves, or the way he's handling discussion about it. There is no point racking your brain wondering what happened before or what he could still do. Ultimately it comes down to morals and belief systems. If it goes against your own morals but not his, then your belief systems and moral values are not in line and this always brings the potential for disharmony. Walk away, it's not worth the stress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 But i do love him and i dont want to give the relationship up if i could. I'm hoping i can see what others perspective on this. He repeatedly told me he wont cheat on me and that it was in the past and he wasnt with anyone. But i cant shake off my insecurities, i've always been an insecure person, im guessing im asking for reality check from you guys...and emotional support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 How did this conversation even come up in the first place? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 But i do love him and i dont want to give the relationship up if i could. I'm hoping i can see what others perspective on this. He repeatedly told me he wont cheat on me and that it was in the past and he wasnt with anyone. But i cant shake off my insecurities, i've always been an insecure person, im guessing im asking for reality check from you guys...and emotional support. The reality check is that you are not in a good relationship. You two do not get on and long term this is not a viable option. The emotional support is that after a while you will get over this and if you start to behave in a more appropriate manner and expect appropriate behavior from those around you then you have a better chance of finding someone that you will click with that will be long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fishstar Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 If he is reassuring you and you feel the trust is there then good. But if it's always at the back of your mind, and you're in a LDR then you will be in for a hard time. Emotional support is to respect yourself enough to understand it's not healthy to keep on with insecurities which cloud your happiness. Insecurities are a funny one - sometimes they come from within, a gut feeling; sometimes they come from outside, with good reason. If you are not getting a good vibe from the guy, re-evaluate the relationship. You are already far away from eachother, why do you want this issue to overshadow the relationship? Either let it go or let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) This all happened 4 years ago--how is she "the other woman"? In some areas of the world, what he was doing is legal--it also might be distasteful, but it is legal. Hell, most European royal families are full of first cousins marrying. He shut down because you're being apoplectic about it--I mean calling his cousin a bitch over something that happened long before you came on the scene is a bit extra. He's as much of a bitch in this as she is. But you know what? Since this is a chasm you can't cross, then you need to leave him alone. Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to before the moment they fell in together. No amount of raging and losing your mind over this is going to change what has happened. All you can do is either accept it or reject it and move on to someone else. Those are your only two options. Your insecurities, especially over something that was done and over long before you turned up, are for you to sort and resolve. No one else. Seems to me if you're dragging your insecurities into this relationship, then you're not ready to be with anyone yet, especially as I said over something that is 4 years in the past. Edited April 9, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I think I would be more worried that he slept with a man than the cousin. I've smoked pot and it doesn't make you lose control and have sex with the opposite sex unless you want to. I wish people would stop blaming alcohol and drugs for their choices. I also read somewhere that family members who have sex with each other have a hard time getting over each other because something about their genes being similar makes the sex more intense (but don't take my word for it.) I wish I could remember where I read this. I think the way you two get along is terrible and you two are not compatible. Maybe you should break up because when the cousin comes back to town I suspect trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Cousin marriage Although now stigmatized in the Western world,[1] they remain relatively common in the Middle East, where, in some nations, they account for over half of all marriages.[2] Worldwide, over one in every ten marriages are between first and second cousins.[3] - Wiki _______ [/url] 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 - Wiki _______ [/url] Elaine you are an absolute babe... but honey I am still not going to even think about it... I enjoyed my lunch I don't need to bring it back up to chew the cud... That aside there is still way too much drama going on. OP needs to calm down and start dating people she can enjoy being with rather than fret over... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) But i do love him and i dont want to give the relationship up if i could.. You are only fooling yourself. This is something about YOUR moral values, and you even said it's morally wrong. Dear this should be a deal breaker for you. This is something you find unacceptable, so why stay with him if you feel this strongly about it? Love isn't enough to sustain this relationship. You both need to have compatible views, trust, compassion and respect each other. Your BF is a jerk, and is untruth worthy because he waited till you were fully in love before he dropped this bomb on you. And to top it off he down plays it, and has no sympathy or remorse on how it has affected you....that's why you keep fighting. He doesn't respect your feelings on this, and it's making you feel so lost. This has tainted any future you have with him, and it would make sense if you just walked away. Edited April 9, 2015 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Prince William and Cate Middleton are distant cousins because of their link to Sir Thomas Leighton, William's 12th generation great grandfather, and Cate's 11th generation great grandfather. Interesting. That aside, long distant relationships are really hard to maintain. If your moral compass is different than your boyfriend's Cenz then I don't see the point of being with him for you. Plus, there have to be single men in your city who you can date. Why not just end this LDR and look for dates locally. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 That aside there is still way too much drama going on. OP needs to calm down and start dating people she can enjoy being with rather than fret over... Exactly, Toodaloo. OP If don't like the fact he slept with his cousin, then stop being with him. No-one forces you to stay. Fighting with him won't change history and the past, you either learn to live with it, or you walk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 There is a lot more wrong with this picture then you are seeing. Walk away and walk away NOW. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 it really baffled me as it's a taboo for me and goes against my morals. This is all you need to know. Mis-matched values. This isn't the guy for you. It's only a matter of time until the mis-matched values pop up somewhere else. It's not about right or wrong - simply mis-matched. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 But i do love him and i dont want to give the relationship up if i could. Then you have to accept that he sees nothing wrong with what he did, and you have to let it go and not bring it up again. Because he sees nothing wrong with it. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 My mother's cosins were married (Italian - imagine that!) and my bridesmaid's parents were cousins. I don't see the problem myself. But then, when you've grown up with a situation, it's not a problem, until you see it's a problem for other people. For me, this is still a problem for other people, because frankly, I think the issue is with them, not with me or mine.. And yes, before you mention it, I'm perfectly aware of all the issues surrounding handicapped children, possible complications yadah, yadah yadah.... suffice to say, it didn't happen in either family, so again, it's not an issue. I will agree though that the relationship is a total mis-match, and if the OP can't get over this, then it's time to move on. It's obviously a deal-breaker for her, so there's little point churning it over. When ham is off, no matter what you do to it, it doesn't come good again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I think you should just break up. It's OK to be bothered that your BF slept with his cousin and a guy. What's not OK is to stay with someone if you don't accept him, and constantly argue with him about it. That just stresses out both of you. He can't change what he did. By continuing to bring this up, you are looking to him to relieve your anxiety. You want him to say something that will make this information easier to accept. But the truth is, it's OK to be uncomfortable with this. You don't have to find a way to tolerate it. Instead, you can find someone that is a better match for you. And FYI- I think there must have been some crack sprinkled on that weed. I have smoked some good weed in my life and it's never changed the gender that I am attracted to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I had an ex that had a threesome with his brother and another girl, and also his cousin (male) and another girl. It gave me the creeps and they didn't even touch each other. I could never have sexual relations with a family member... If you can't accept that he has a previous relationship with his cousin then move on. Obviously his moral compass is not on the same path as yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Sometimes there is a tremendous GSA factor (genetic sexual attraction) between relatives. You didn't say what cousins they were (1st, 2nd, etc.). Because the DNA is so similar, the merest whiff of each other is like the brain getting hit with opium. I'd be willing to wage even money he is telling you the truth when he says it is over, but he is not telling you how great it was because of guilt and the fact it goes against your morality. Think of this like any other drug addiction - would you leave your BF if you found out he has a drug problem, or would you work with him to make sure he doesn't fall off the wagon? It would be great if you could talk to him in a non-judgmental way and get him to open up...with love and understanding. Peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Does he live in a small village or something? Dafuq 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 First off it is kind of gross. My initial thought, though, goes too..okay, what if you try to move past this and this becomes serious and down the line you meet his family and maybe even you go to some family get togethers and since his cousin is..well, his cousin, there is every chance sooner or later you'd be meeting her(even if she did move away). So what then? Boy that is awkward. Not only that incest was committed, but that this cousin knows you know, and is probably wondering if you will tell their other family members about it(if they don't already know). I mean heck, who wants to see someone their spouse banged on every family Christmas event or something? Even if you take the "they were related" out of the equation. Second, I find your bigger problem is this guy claims that he also slept with a man in the past, but is straight. As a guy who is truly straight I can tell you that you don't bang a dude unless you are at least bi sexual. Weed doesn't change your sexual orientation. Trust me, if it did I'd of been with loads of guys by now. As it stands, I've been with zero. So this guy seems all kinds of confused about himself. Plus you are obviously pretty disgusted. I dunno, I would think since this happened years ago and he didn't get her pregnant or anything..if you TRULY loved him you could probably get past it, though it wouldn't be easy. As it stands I don't think you truly love him. I see far too much vitrol from you, almost hatred. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, but it does mean you probably shouldn't be with this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 First off it is kind of gross. My initial thought, though, goes too..okay, what if you try to move past this and this becomes serious and down the line you meet his family and maybe even you go to some family get togethers and since his cousin is..well, his cousin, there is every chance sooner or later you'd be meeting her(even if she did move away). So what then? Boy that is awkward. Not only that incest was committed, but that this cousin knows you know, and is probably wondering if you will tell their other family members about it(if they don't already know). I mean heck, who wants to see someone their spouse banged on every family Christmas event or something? Even if you take the "they were related" out of the equation. Second, I find your bigger problem is this guy claims that he also slept with a man in the past, but is straight. As a guy who is truly straight I can tell you that you don't bang a dude unless you are at least bi sexual. Weed doesn't change your sexual orientation. Trust me, if it did I'd of been with loads of guys by now. As it stands, I've been with zero. So this guy seems all kinds of confused about himself. Plus you are obviously pretty disgusted. I dunno, I would think since this happened years ago and he didn't get her pregnant or anything..if you TRULY loved him you could probably get past it, though it wouldn't be easy. As it stands I don't think you truly love him. I see far too much vitrol from you, almost hatred. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, but it does mean you probably shouldn't be with this guy. ^^ what he said^^ Your man is at the very least bi-sexual. That's the bigger issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 This guy says weed made him act on sleeping with a guy and you're messed up about him sleeping with a girl cousin? Lol Now please take this advice OP and anyone who is struggling with a situation. Please it's important. If you can't let it go. Let them go. I was told that long ago and wish i had listened instead of wasting time that I can never get back. The issue now is you and what you can and can't deal with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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