Not sure if she wants me back.

[BlueSteel109]

Hey everyone. Her and I had a 4 year relationship. It's been about 2 months of no contact. I broke it off. I got a vibe she was trying to see someone else, plus other miscellaneous problems. I tried to get back with her a few days later. She said she didn't know what she wanted. This is where I started no contact. I also cut all ties and blocked her, her friends, and family on all social media. I was talking to a friend a few weeks later. He told me she was in another relationship with a coworker somewhere in between 3-7 days after the break up. I'm not sure if she is presently with this person. I haven't been trying to keep any tabs on her. Two weeks ago she tried to add me on a fake facebook. I didnt accept it. Two nights ago she saw me out with a girl. It probably looked like a date honestly. The ex and I did not acknowledge each other, but I know she saw me. The next morning(yesterday) she texted me hey. It was a new number so I asked who it was and then 2 hours later she replied something like "Someone you probably never want to talk to again but I wanted to see how you were doing?" I never responded because I felt like if it weren't for her seeing me out with this girl I wouldn't have heard from her. I also knew I would be really upset if I found out she was actually just checking to see how I was doing and has no interest in ever getting back together. If I felt she had the desire to want to reconcile I'd probably break NC and go for it. Even though she is trying to keep tabs on me, I'm not sure reconcilation is what shes currently looking for. It would be different if she poured out and said whatever she was thinking. At this point I'm looking for any advice. Should I keep doing NC? Thank you.

Edited April 9, 2015 by BlueSteel109

[dumbass2]

Hey everyone. Her and I had a 4 year relationship. It's been about 2 months of no contact. I broke it off. I got a vibe she was trying to see someone else, plus other miscellaneous problems. I tried to get back with her a few days later. She said she didn't know what she wanted. This is where I started no contact. I also cut all ties and blocked her, her friends, and family on all social media. I was talking to a friend a few weeks later. He told me she was in another relationship with a coworker somewhere in between 3-7 days after the break up. I'm not sure if she is presently with this person. I haven't been trying to keep any tabs on her. Two weeks ago she tried to add me on a fake facebook. I didnt accept it. Two nights ago she saw me out with a girl. It probably looked like a date honestly. The ex and I did not acknowledge each other, but I know she saw me. The next morning(yesterday) she texted me hey. It was a new number so I asked who it was and then 2 hours later she replied something like "Someone you probably never want to talk to again but I wanted to see how you were doing?" I never responded because I felt like if it weren't for her seeing me out with this girl I wouldn't have heard from her. I also knew I would be really upset if I found out she was actually just checking to see how I was doing and has no interest in ever getting back together. If I felt she had the desire to want to reconcile I'd probably break NC and go for it. Even though she is trying to keep tabs on me, I'm not sure reconcilation is what shes currently looking for. It would be different if she poured out and said whatever she was thinking. At this point I'm looking for any advice. Should I keep doing NC? Thank you.

 

Definitely keep with the no contact. You did break up with her, but then you did try and get back, so she knows what you wanted. Yes, she probably text you because she saw you out with another girl. She will want to try and keep tabs on you to see if you are with someone else. Ex's will do that and it's not because they want you back, but usually because they want to find someone and move on before you do so they will feel better. it's hard on either ex to know the other is into another relationship and you are not. Once you are in another one, you have your focus on that person and have little need to think about the ex. Stay no contact and watch her actions and not just go on her words. Words mean very little after a break up.

[kendahke]

By all means, keep to NC.

 

She's just fishing because she saw you with that other girl.

[Ruby65]

It sounds like your instincts were right -- she was likely either cheating or having an emotional affair at the time you ended things.

 

Go ahead and block her new number and make sure she's blocked on all the sites and apps you use -- emails, too.

 

Cheaters can be real drama queens and it sounds like she's going to want to keep a connection with you until she's sure about her new boyfriend. Uggghh.

 

Nip it in the bud! Cut her off completely so you can focus on what really matters: you and your healing.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you!

[BlueSteel109]

Thank you all for the replies! I'm happy you all think No Contact is the best way to go. That's what I was leaning towards. I feel like her first time talking to me in a couple months is worth more than a "Hey" and "How are you". As we established before, she wouldn't have done that if she didn't see me out with this girl.

 

I also agree 100% about the actions vs words. That's a primary reason for the break up. She would tell me how committed she was to me every single day literally all the way until the break up, but it never showed. She did so many messed up things to me that you should never do to anyone you love.

 

I took your advice and blocked the fake Facebook account. She will just make another one, but subconciously it bugged me knowing she was using that account solely to spy on me. Unfortunately its not the first time she's had an emotional affair or probably even cheated on me. I often caught her lying to me, especially when it came to other guys. I've had just about every sign possible except for first person seeing her cheating. I feel ashamed for letting this go on for so long. I think our virginities, being high school sweethearts, and being each others first serious relationship had a huge role in why I could never pull the trigger. I really wanted to see it work out, but she just wasn't the same person around me as she was every other person in the world.

 

The healing has been going great. I was a wreck for the first 2 weeks. Depressed every second of the day. Ate barely anything. I would dream about her every night which caused me to get about 3 hours of sleep per night then wake up with her already on my mind. It was completely miserable. Something finally clicked and I realized my life couldn't continue like this. She clearly doesn't care about me at the moment so why was I wasting my time caring. I started going out with my friends. I've met a few girls. It feels great. The worst times are when you're alone and even those times aren't that bad for me anymore. Right now there's still a part of me that hopes her and I get to talk again one day, possibly even another go at a relationship, but I don't want that right now. I truly don't. Simply put, she has a lot growing up to do before that could ever happen. It may take years, but there's a good chance I will feel nothing for her by then.

 

Thanks again for all your replies. This is my first time sharing anything about my relationship life online. I was at a predicament where I wasn't sure if I should text her back or not. It looks very likely that it just would of came down to me getting more hurt or going back to a failure of a relationship. Either way I lose. I'm not going to set myself up for that.

[BlueSteel109]

*Update*

 

A couple days ago a old mutual friend of ours tried to add me on Facebook. I haven't spoke to this person in over 3 years. I'm almost positive the ex still talks to her regularly. I declined it. Then tonight I get a text which I would please like some opinions on. Here is what it said. "I want you to know that I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you go. I'm not trying to win you back, because I'm pretty sure you're much happier right now. I think about you all the time. I miss you. I just want you to know that I know I messed up. I don't expect a reply but I am sorry for everything I've put you through." I received that text about 4 hours ago. I've waited 2 months to hear something of that caliber from her so I'm really not in any hurry to reply. If her and I were meant to be, then one day won't change anything. However, if I am going to reply it will probably be sometime tomorrow. I was hoping to get some opinions/advice before I make any further decision on this. Thank you.

Edited April 17, 2015 by BlueSteel109

[Ruby65]

In your shoes, I'd definitely take the bait and reply -- that's just me!

 

If you do choose to reply, I'd make it very short though -- like one line short -- and tell her you'll only continue contact if she wants to talk about getting back together, otherwise you're not interested.

 

It's VERY common for dumpers to get nervous and send "I miss you" texts just to be sure you're still around as a backup Plan B. She might be serious, she might not be.

 

So, you don't want her sending you mixed messages. Find out immediately if her intention is to get back together -- if not, block her on your phone or change your number and continue moving on!

 

**If you had already blocked her, you'd know better how to respond to this type of message... you'd know if she had to work harder to reach you.... or if she was just acting on impulse in a moment of loneliness/boredom. Just saying. **

[Cinnamonstix]

I would feel her out more rather than letting her know you are interested in getting back together (if you even are). I would be very cautious, as she said she is not trying to win you back.

[BlueSteel109]

Thank you both for the quick replies. I like that the text you suggest using is brief and too the point Ruby. It's basically saying you're either trying to get back together or I'm still out. No games. No BS. That very well could work for me. However I think CinnamonStix might also be on to something too. That "not trying to win you back" line stuck out to me as well. Right now I 100% believe in her head that she thinks I'm not interested anymore, possibly unattainable to her. Hopefully its driving her nuts lol. I also believe that she really does want to get back together, but I'm not sure if I want to give her the satisfaction yet. It sounds cruel, but I've read a lot of stories on here about people who come back too easily end up right back where they were before. Maybe taking it slower and seeing if her actions will back up what she says isn't a bad idea either. Those are both great suggestions and I have no clue which approach to take yet. You're right about the whole blocking of her number thing. The only reason I didn't go that far was because I have no idea how it works. I've never done that before. If she sent a text and didn't get any sort of reply she would probably think I'm just being a dick lol. However if it sent a message which said I was unreachable or something, I think that would be different. I suppose I can call my mobile provider and ask haha. I'm on a lunch break soon. I'll probably make my decision then. If you have any insight feel free to keep throwing it out there. And thanks again for working with me through this.

[Ruby65]

The Old School Hard Line No Contact Rule:

 

Unless and until she tells you she wants to get back together, you ignore everything.

 

Personally, I think this could possibly work in your case to bring her around because I think she's a real drama queen and your ignoring her WILL drive her crazy and cause her to amp up the volume to that point.

 

My question to you is.... do you REALLY want to sign back on to all that? She was -- at the very least -- emotionally cheating on you.

[Cinnamonstix]

Ahh yes, forgot about the emotional cheating part.

 

Definitely don't respond. You deserve more than someone like her in the first place. At the very least she can say she wants you back and quit being coy about it.

[Ruby65]

^ I really have to agree, cheaters are the absolute worst. There's just nothing lower.

 

I think the only saving grace here is your ages, that you've been together 4 years and are each other's first serious relationships. Maybe I'm projecting as I had a rocky relationship in my late teens/early 20's, broke up, saw other people, got back together and were married for a few decades afterwards, have a child and are still great friends.

 

Only YOU know the strength of your relationship. I will say, on paper, she doesn't seem like a good bet -- but that's your call, not ours.

[BlueSteel109]

I never did text her back. I'm not finalized on a decision yet. I'm truly 50/50 on this issue and I just want to make sure I'm make a correct long term decision here. One side of me I see and always did see potential of a great relationship between us. The other side makes me wonder what if I'm wrong and somehow things go back to the way they were before. I'm not trying to go through that awful break up stage all over again. I refuse to sign up for our old relationship. If that is all she can offer I don't want it. As for the emotional affair or however far it went. I believe I can put that past me if need be. Ruby, is there anything you ever ended up regretting about your relationship/marriage in your early twenties? I guess at the end of the day, like you said, only her and I truly know the strength of our relationship. I feel I should handle this situation based on that, but at the moment, I'm going to take some more time before I make a decision. If it was meant to be time will not matter.

[Ruby65]

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. Take all the time you need.

 

She was unfaithful and left you for someone else -- and if she's ever going to have another shot at you, she should have to work for it. Certainly work harder than sending a text or two.

 

And you need time to figure out what you want.

 

I can't say I have any regrets about my marriage, not at all!

 

But one thing I will say.... as the Dumper, I did all the work to get my ex back. I made contact. I told him I wanted to get back together right away -- no games or ambiguity. I said what it took to convince him of my sincerity. I flew 3,000 miles to visit him. I relocated shortly thereafter.

 

THIS is the type of communication and effort you should expect from your ex if she's *truly* wanting you back, in my opinion anyway.

 

See what she says and does next -- see what she's selling and then decide if you want to buy.

[BlueSteel109]

And I agree with you entirely. She always has been text oriented, which is frustrating, but I think she could still do a little better than what she has already put on the table. If not, then she doesn't care as much as she says she does.

 

Wow, that person must of been really special to you. I would never expect that of my ex. Maybe a hand written letter hidden somewhere or driving over to tell me in person how she feels. That's about as far I feel she would go. I asked that because the most probing question in my head right now is if we get back together and it doesn't end up working out, will I be kicking myself in the butt for it later? The way it ended this time, I definitely know I was. I'm not trying to repeat that cycle. Haha I love that metaphor about buying and selling. That sounds good. It is my current game plan unless something changes my mind or outlook on this situation. Thank you for your support Ruby, Cinnamonstix, and everyone else. If I have any more updates I'll be sure to come back and share.

[BlueSteel109]

I just wanted to let you all know that I never did end up texting her back. I woke up again today wondering if I should say anything. Finally, I decided I needed something to answer this for me once and for all. My family still follows her on Facebook. I asked one of them whats going on with her (which I understand seems like a bad idea). I wasn't going to look for myself though. I was just curious if she was single. They said she changed her profile pic either today or yesterday to herself and this other dude she is dating.

 

Sounds to me like their relationship hit a rough patch and that was one of those plan B texts you were referring to Ruby. Most of the people I spoke with about this agree that not responding was the best idea. They also say they think it could have been bait and she would of told me that the text didn't mean she wanted to get back together.

 

Her text was worded weird. Sort of coy like Cinnamon was saying. It indirectly implies she wants to get back together, but doesn't actually say that, so I can see why my friends think that. It seems best to stick to the old school no contact rule. Until I hear "I want you back" nothing should be said to her.

[BlueSteel109]

Ruby,

 

I also have another question for you. At first you told me that you think I should of definitely taken the bait. I replied saying I had to think about it a little more before I responded. Then you suggested the old school no contact rule. I was just curious if you reread into my situation and changed your mind or you just suggested the old school no contact rule based on my thoughts in the reply.

[Ruby65]

I Her text was worded weird. Sort of coy like Cinnamon was saying. It indirectly implies she wants to get back together, but doesn't actually say that, so I can see why my friends think that. It seems best to stick to the old school no contact rule. Until I hear "I want you back" nothing should be said to her.

 

I really agree -- the wording of her text is (I think deliberately) very slippery.

 

That's why I agree you're on the right path with not replying and see if she comes out with "I want to get back together."

 

Your situation is hard to figure. On the one hand, my general feeling is to ignore a dumper unless they come out and say "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together." So, you've got a dumper who's CLOSE to saying that, but not quite....

 

On the other hand, she's a liar and a cheater -- and definitely a bit of a drama queen -- so it's hard to say how much "I realize now I've made the biggest mistake of my life" really MEANS coming from someone like that.

 

This is probably why you see contradictory advice coming from me.

 

But really, I'd just continue to leave it alone and see IF she comes out and asks for another chance. I wouldn't reply to anything other than that.

 

I'd also be asking yourself: do you really want to get back together? Can you ever trust her again? Only you know what you deal with and what you can't.

[BlueSteel109]

I think she did it on purpose too. I"m nearly 100% sure she wants me back, but I think she's trying to regain power or something. It was most likely advised by her friends to try to send something like that. However it looks like she has decided to patch things up with whats his face for now, so after it takes a crap again, and it will, hopefully that's when her real feelings for me come out.

 

Right?! I get the vibe if I had replied that night maybe we would be together right now, but since it only took her a couple days to change her mind and go back to this other guy... again. I see she is not ready to grow up and come back to me as a serious girlfriend yet.

 

I am happy with my decision to not text her back, but I'm also starting to fear NC may start pushing her away. I think right now she is wondering what I want. I just don't want her to get the impression that she isn't what I want due to NC. I only don't reply to her because I think she needs more time to figure out whats best for her. The time factor isn't hurting my side of things though. I still have feelings for her, but I know there is a chance we will never get back together and I accept that. It gets easier everyday.

 

Those are both great points. I see why you said what you did. Thank you for clarifying. At this point I do want a reconciliation. As for trust. I know she can earn it back, but for starters she has to prove to me that she wants to be with me. I think only then we can work together and finally be happy.

[Cinnamonstix]

Why would you want to be second choice? This girl cannot be alone. She goes bouncing from man to man. If you do get back together, I bet you she will leave you again when something shiny and new comes along.

 

If she went back to the other guy, now you know why she said she wasn't trying to win you back. She was just feeling sorry for herself because she had a sure thing before (you), and now she doesn't (Patch Adams). So she was leaving an out in case she and this other guy patched things up, so that she could say "hey, I never said I wanted you back."

Edited April 19, 2015 by Cinnamonstix

[BlueSteel109]

You're right. That could be very well why the text was worded the way it was. It's a good thing I never responded then.

[BlueSteel109]

Hey everyone. I am coming to check back in. A few events have happened since I last wrote on here. On 4/24 I received a private call around 10pm. Going off of the fact I rarely receive private calls, I had my suspicions. On 4/25 around midnight, I was waiting for my friend to come pick me up when I saw her drive by my house VERY slowly. I literally thought she was going to pull in the driveway. Then on 4/28 I get a phone call from a weird number around 10pm once again. I answered and said hello twice. The call was a total of 20 seconds. I know someone was on the other end because I heard background noise. No one said anything so I hung up. I pulled the number up online and discovered that it isn't owned by any retail carriers. Meaning its most likely an application for a smart phone that provides a telephone number. EX: Google Voice.

 

It's been roughly two weeks since then. Nothing out of the ordinary. I feel a whole lot different than I did when I originally posted this. I now know that I can live with or without her in my life. There is still pain and missing her sometimes. Usually anger more than anything though. Regardless of if she physically cheated or not during our relationship. I know there were several guys she had feelings for while we were dating. It just burns me up she never had the decency to break it off with me. Sometimes she did break it off, but she was back within days. She would just continue to do this to me, for four years straight. I wish I wasn't so nice and realize some people just won't change.

 

Overall, I'm doing great. I'm coming up to 3 months NC I believe. In a few more months hopefully all this feels like is a bad dream. Maybe she will fool us and make a decent attempt at reconciliation by then. It doesn't matter either way because life goes on. There's only so much time in this world and I choose to spend it on those who I know care about me.

[lolablue17]

I think you're doing just great. You effectively healing quickly, and you get your ego back when you know she wants you back, she misses you, she may even be obsessed about you.

 

I advice you - Don't cooperate with her games. Instead of playing games for so long, she could have been honest, she could have taken the risk and asking you to take her back straightforward.

 

If you take her back now, you'll get a period of honeymoon and after that she will return playing games because probably that's who she really is. When you completely over her, in a few month or years, you can meet her and say you wish her a happy life. Not now.

 

Unless you want her back no matter what. In that case meet her and ask "what do you want"?

[BlueSteel109]

Thank you Lolablue17. I appreciate your support.

 

I do not want anything to do with her games. You're right. Honesty is exactly what I expect if she really wants to get back together. The signs she has given me are sketchy. I can see loop holes in them that I don't like. I need something from her around the lines of "I messed up bad and I'm willing to prove to you I've changed if you just give me one more chance". Unfortunately even if she felt that way, I don't think she would think to ever send me something like that. That's whats tricky with her as she was never the brightest bulb. I've accepted there's a better chance that its over, then her coming back the way I want her too.

 

It's funny. Every time I post on one of these kind of sites I seem to get another breadcrumb from her. My dog just passed away a few days ago. I blocked everyone in relation with her on FB, but that's really the only place she could of found out. I just received a text an hour ago. Apologizing for the death of my dog and ends the text with: "I know you hate me, but I'm always going to be here for you no matter what. I just want you to know that."

 

I could once again stick to NC on this one, but I really feel the need to address to her that I'm not going to be her friend. Maybe open her eyes to some expectations because this is not right at all. She clearly wants me in her life for some reason, but I don't want that if she's going to continue her old behavior. It's like she expects me to be cool with her, to want or fight for her back, all while some other guy she technically left me for is now shafting her. I know hes in the dark about all of this too. Reconciliation is entirely up to her as she is the one who led our relationship to this point. I should have to do a minimal amount of the work.

 

How would you all handle this?

[Simon Phoenix]

ignore and block. It's not up to you to "teach her a lesson", and that lesson is going to fall on deaf ears anyway. Your silence speaks louder than any words, so don't be that guy.

 

There's nothing to address, so don't make a mountain out of a molehill.