deg20 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I am 44 and my wife is the same age. My separation is the result of a bizarre series of events in which I'd like to share. After being married for 9 years, my wife decided to leave, stating that she was stressed from the kids and she felt in the middle all the time ( her three kids, my step kids ). While traveling to visit her daughter, 19, who is in college and was depressed from just breaking up with her boyfriend, my wife decided to contact an old friend of mine who lives on the east coast, to discuss depression about her daughter with him...his sister suffered from this. While contacting him, the discussion turned sexual...she always had something for him which I noticed in past gatherings and such but thought it was just innocent flirting. Anyway, he decided to bash me and convince her to leave me, citing I wasn't worthy, she'd be happier without me, etc. He has known to break up couples in the past and garners a sick pleasure from doing so. When she returned, about a week went by where she was cold, discerning, aloof and distant...although these signs were prevalent before she left as well...constant texting, avoiding me, etc. Then, one morning after going out with friends, where she ignored me all night, she said she was leaving me. It was shortly after this that I checked her online phone bill and noticed numerous texts and calls to him, starting the day she went to visit her daughter. He persuaded her to leave me, and he brainwashed her into doing so...he's very persuasive and manipulative. I stayed in the house for two months before moving, which was hell. I caught her sexting to him one night, taking off her nightie, and I constantly asked her about their contact. I received answers from "none of your business" to "who cares" to denial...all out of sync with each other. They were still in contact. When I moved out, I later discovered she slept with him the night I moved out...she picked him up at the airport and they had sex in her car...he was in town to pick up his vehicle. This was planned, as she wanted me out a month earlier because of this night. The next eight months led to my wife engaging in wild threesome sex, sex with married men, and other women. She would tell me these episodes outright, even showing me videos of her having sex with strangers which were on her phone. It killed me. I asked her not to but she proceeded, and I was like a deer in the lights. She turned into a sex addict, all fronted from her and my ex friend sharing their sex stories and sending videos back and forth to each other. They had no intention of being together as a couple, just sex friends who got off on this stuff. He got her into this, as she was never like this before or had this type of character. Her niece told her she needed help but refused. She showed and told these stories to her friends, fooled around with guys at work, during work ( in a school )...she was out of control. She even told me she didn't use protection...and was getting checked for std's all the while. We kept in contact throughout our sep., and she used me for money and favours...I couldn't believe what she turned into, all under the influence of this idiot. After a year, this plagues my mind daily. We haven't spoken in a month. She accuses me of guilting her and manipulating her when I bring this up...she shuts down the conversation instantly.She was a different woman...uncaring, hurtful...and was hypnotized by this adventurous lifestyle. Her threesome stuff was with married couples which floored me. It was like she was proud of it...rubbing it in to me. I learned that she told someone I knew that I was a mistake and I should have stayed as a renter instead of a husband when I moved into her home after we met. I saw her through a series of crises with her kids and ex husband through the 9 years we were married. Her kids were also hard to deal with, as I was the stepdad and it wasn't easy. I believe her and my ex friend are still in contact. She slept with him at Christmas when he came home. I believe she is attempting a relationship with someone new now, but I don't know if this sex stuff has ceased.I am hurt and broken. I've seen 5 counsellors, and even though I'm getting better, I can't believe our healthy and happy marriage...which it was...turned into this mainly because of one backstabber. Any comments, questions, suggestions, feedback, or comparisons would be appreciated...thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 As much as you want to shift the blame onto HIM, you need to realize that a lot of that blame is on HER as well. She's not innocent in all of this. And the person she is now very well may be a reflection of who she always was but always repressed. She's not the woman you remember her to be anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Welcome, and sorry that you are hurting, Deg. That sounds like an awful mess. I have a few questions: Do you have any children together, or are they all hers? Are they all legal adults or any minors? It is good that you are going to counseling. Keep it up - it will help. I would attempt to get your wife into counseling, too, because she sounds as if she's gone off the rails and needs help. That's not up to you, of course, but I'd at least recommend it. Your main focus, at this point, though, needs to be on yourself and your own future. Concentrate on healing from this heartbreak and rebuilding your life. I am not sure if you would want to rebuild your relationship with your wife or not (I don't think I would, but I could understand if you wanted to try), but it would take some major couples' counseling to do so, in my opinion, after all of this. My advice would be to keep seeing your counselor, see a doctor and get tested for STDs, and contact an attorney to initiate divorce proceedings. You should do everything in your power to protect yourself and take care of yourself. If you have a relationship with her children that you'd like to preserve and they are legally adults, I'd make contact with them on my own rather than through her as she sounds manipulative and untrustworthy at the moment. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Hi KaBarletta They are all her children which I took on as my step kids when I met her. I have none of my own. They are now 16, 19, and 21...but were 6, 9, and 11 when I met her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 As much as you want to shift the blame onto HIM, you need to realize that a lot of that blame is on HER as well. She's not innocent in all of this. And the person she is now very well may be a reflection of who she always was but always repressed. She's not the woman you remember her to be anymore. ...interesting thought about the repressed issue,...never thought of that...could it have been in hibernation in my 9 years with her?...I saw, or don't remember, any signs of infidelity throughout...but then again, she is quite secretive and sneaky...I would believe anything now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 You'd save yourself considerable heartache by never speaking to her again. Given what you say, I have no idea why you'd even want to. Divorce and move on with your life. There's nothing here to save. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Your priority now should be protecting yourself. She is toxic. Don't try to kid yourself into believing that this is all the the other mans fault. it isn't. She is every bit as guilty as he is, and maybe more. You should implement No Contact as if your life depends on it. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Focus on yourself. She is lost to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Your priority now should be protecting yourself. She is toxic. Don't try to kid yourself into believing that this is all the the other mans fault. it isn't. She is every bit as guilty as he is, and maybe more. You should implement No Contact as if your life depends on it. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Focus on yourself. She is lost to you. There is no more contact, but the damage remains...why would she show me (and tell me ) videos and stories of her and other men...at my apartment?,...this killed me... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 There is no more contact, but the damage remains...why would she show me (and tell me ) videos and stories of her and other men...at my apartment?,...this killed me... She obviously gets some sadistic pleasure from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Hi KaBarletta They are all her children which I took on as my step kids when I met her. I have none of my own. They are now 16, 19, and 21...but were 6, 9, and 11 when I met her... So all three are old enough to understand what is happening, and at least two are grown adults. I would do exactly what the earlier posters suggested and go total No Contact with your wife, reach out to her children separately if you want to maintain a relationship with them (and to try to see to it that your wife doesn't poison that bond - after 10 years I would imagine that there is something between you and those children worth saving). But I would NOT use those relationships to keep tabs on, or check up on your wife. And make it clear to the children that you are not interested in doing so. Honestly, unless your wife has a "come to Jesus" moment and realizes what a mistake she's made, I don't see anything here worth saving, I'm afraid. I'd go NC, file for divorce and focus on your future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 So all three are old enough to understand what is happening, and at least two are grown adults. I would do exactly what the earlier posters suggested and go total No Contact with your wife, reach out to her children separately if you want to maintain a relationship with them (and to try to see to it that your wife doesn't poison that bond - after 10 years I would imagine that there is something between you and those children worth saving). But I would NOT use those relationships to keep tabs on, or check up on your wife. And make it clear to the children that you are not interested in doing so. Honestly, unless your wife has a "come to Jesus" moment and realizes what a mistake she's made, I don't see anything here worth saving, I'm afraid. I'd go NC, file for divorce and focus on your future. ^^^ this ^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Maybe this will help, too -- one thing that has helped me deal with my wife's decision to walk away and lead a life that makes no sense to me is to realize this: The woman I married is not the same woman anymore. She is gone. A different person is there now, calling the shots, someone I no longer recognize and who no longer wants to be with me. Clearly the same is true in your case. I am not sure if you're a Star Wars fan (I am), but it's what happened in that story with Darth Vader. He became a different person and the person he once was ceased to exist. Mourn for what WAS, try to move on as well as you can from what IS and focus all of your attention on what CAN BE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 why would she show me (and tell me ) videos and stories of her and other men...at my apartment?,...this killed me... Why would you watch and listen ? And more than once? Would seem the first instance of this kind of behavior would be plenty to send you running... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Why would you watch and listen ? And more than once? Would seem the first instance of this kind of behavior would be plenty to send you running... Mr. Lucky "I'm not watching this crap. Now kindly GTFO." Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 "I'm not watching this crap. Now kindly GTFO." I know...it was like a car accident...seeing this...I couldn't believe it...I just watched and was basically mesmerized... Looking back, it was very damaging... Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 There is no more contact, but the damage remains...why would she show me (and tell me ) videos and stories of her and other men...at my apartment?,...this killed me... Because she obviously wasn't as innocent and demure as she led you to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Because she obviously wasn't as innocent and demure as she led you to believe. I was duped the whole 9 years...she was a people pleaser...even admitted it...everyone liked her...social, extroverted, funny...but overly flirtatious often...and I had gut feelings over this throughout the marriage... another weird thing...after sep, and in the middle of summer, I went to her/my house to do yard work, to help her sell the house...this was in the thick of her sex mania...she stripped naked and sunbathed in her lounger in the back yard...Sure we're fenced in, but there are neighbours and windows that can see in our yard. This was bizarre, as she never did this before...like it was nothing for her...out of character from the old wife, but seemed to fit in with the new lifestyle... Weird, I thought.. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 She needed someone to feed her and her brood. You did your part and now you can leave. Get away from that horrible person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I know...it was like a car accident...seeing this...I couldn't believe it...I just watched and was basically mesmerized... Looking back, it was very damaging... There is one damage that could have been worse. Not knowing for sure. Always wondering, a sliver of hope, not knowing for sure. The later kept me in denial for years. She left you no doubt - I'm not really sure which is most damaging, to tell ya the truth. But I have a feeling the SHOCK TREATMENT you received may put you in recovery faster than some of us that never knew the truth with our own eyes. That is just my take. I am so sorry this has happened to you. She has to have just gone mental, developed some bizarre disorder, or just used you all along (the statement about being a renter at her home tends to make me believe there was something present early on, that you were unaware of, or, emotionally, just couldn't see). Just forget it. Something doesn't smell right about this sudden transformation. This sort of thing doesn't happen overnight, no way. That's my take. Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Is she on any kind of psychiatric medication? She has been on an anti-depressant and anxiety pills since I met her, plus meds for thyroid which they removed in 2012...any correlation here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 i think she was easily drawn into this by my ex friend, who has been known for this kind of behaviour...he has been single for his whole life. she was drawn into his manipulative convincing to leave me, and then she exchanged videos of stories via cell phone with him since our break up, and it's still prevalent...she also got involved locally with a teacher who dragged her into this stuff...all post separation, but I'm not too sure this wasn't happening pre separation...at least beginning to. A bi sexual friend, female, she met at a work out camp also played a part... I've never encountered such prolonged drama...even the fact that she has been with women during these threesomes is damaging, as she's shown no attraction to them before. She admitted to me she likes to turn on the guy by being with their wives and girlfriends...that turns her on... She IS sick, after all of your posts I see this now...she is trying a relationship now, but i'm not sure she's left that sick life behind for good... Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Deg20, this is some sick and twisted behavior. Have you considered or are you getting any therapy for having gone through this trauma? You may be haunted by those images for a long time without seeking help. Either way, I hope you do not let this destroy your self-esteem or self worth. I hope you can move on to a healthy normal relationship in the future when you are ready to. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Deg, I want to start out by saying I am sorry. I was really bothered by my situation but what you are dealing with takes this to a new level of brutality. Some of the people on here know me from the Divorce is Coming soon situation. My wife has made what seems to be an overnight turn also. The one other element that you may have ruled out that fuels this behavior is drugs. My wife is with this 25 year old kid and he seems to have a mental hold over her after 25 years she seems to give less then a care about me. Part of what she is telling him is that I was controlling so he is allowing her to do whatever she wants regardless how destructive it maybe. For a person to behave that way it is something that has always been there or there is something that was introduced in those situations that has changed her. Reading what you are saying the people here are right and me and you are facing the same rough reality. That person that we married is gone and unless something happens that shakes them to their core they are not coming back. I got on here tonight because I know my wife is out with this guy and probably at a local place we used to go out and have drinks. Before I did something stupid and went looking for them and get an image in my head I cant get rid of I came back here to get some ideas to get focused and came across your post. If you are like you realize they can never come back. And my wife cant come back because I cant trust her and now I would have to wear a condomn. We are in the same boat. Time to get real and set a plan to strategically replace her with new habit to better you every day. Here is a tactic I used to help me get past the mental images. When a though comes into your head immediately shrink it make it very tiny and throw it in a garbage with a image of it deleting as soon as it hits the can. Let me know if I can help I am right where you are bro. You are going to be fine. Make a plan to win. We can do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 my self esteem, confidence, and ego are totally dilapidated...gone...but today, after posting here, I feel better already...I've met a couple women but was too downtrodden to continue dating them. I've seen 5 counselors, and 1 has made headway who i'll be seeing again...it is very traumatic. These images haunt me...the stories haunt me...and thinking I was married to this person I really didn't know is overwhelming. Yes, I drank quite a bit during this, but stopped...and stopped my thoughts of suicide as well... A month of no contact has truly helped, as talking to her or having her visit was too damaging. She lied, used me for money and favors, and told me of her exploits like I was a girlfriend...she had a threesome where two small children were sleeping in another room, and told me how scared she was when she showed up at a hotel to meet a couple who choked her, tried to urinate on her, and watched the male make his wife vomit with his penis...she didn't leave this episode even though she was scared, and continued two nights later with another married couple. she was being contacted constantly by these sick people, as she said "it's hard for them to find a willing female"... She's an educational assistant at a highschool, working with handicapped children...how can someone in such a caring occupation become so twisted? she was a decent mom, and showed empathy throughout the marriage...but the last month before sep, and the year following to present day, she has turned into this monster, and i am still devastated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deg20 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Thanks for that Mr. Goodguy... I don't want her back, and my mistake has been seeing her intermittently through the year of sep, while she was doing this stuff...all at my request because I missed her...it all happened post sep, from what I know, but it still hurts, as I think it could have been going on during marriage...even just plain infidelity I believe... she does not do or take drugs...I know this for sure, but maybe her behaviour is something that was inside all along...repressed...her past shows signs of odd sexual behaviour...sleeping with a married man when she was 18...at 14, fooling around with a basketball coach in his room at a basketball camp...and other odd stories... For you, I would leave her now...it's hard....I know...but your horror must be so painful, I can't imagine...don't wallow through this. I'm damaged, and all this happened after she left...si I can imagine your pain! Link to post Share on other sites
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