Unreal Situation

[DSP]

Deg20.. Welcome to the club you never wanted to be part of.

 

What your ex is doing is unnatural and pathological. She is on anxiety medication and others due to chemical imbalances in her brain. The way she is behaving is closely related to what I've read about Bi Polar disorder hyper sexual hypo mania. The sadistic pleasure she gains from hurting you is part as well.

 

Out of curiosity did she have trouble sleeping? Are there family members that have mood disorders? You already answered those questions earlier. She did and does. How about family members that just flaked out and left their family or possibly schizophrenic or been in institutions for stress?

 

Many people on here are pointing you in that direction by stating she has a mental illness. RSSIs exasperate the issue and make it worse. My guess is she is rapid cycling and when she calls you crying and saying she is sorry she is in a valley of depression. Being scared like a small child. Idolizing another man while demonizing you. Sly smiles while she hurts you. Yeah, seen all that too. You will begin to see that Bi Polar is a nasty spectrum mental illness that has many faces and destroys everything in its path.

 

You can do absolutely nothing to fix this.

 

I need to say that again.

 

You can do absolutely nothing to fix her.

 

Get as far away from that person as possible. Far Far away. She hid it for a long time and with age it gets worse. It may level off in a couple years and that is when she will look back and have regrets, but you don't need to stick around for that. It is time to move on. She is unhealthy and is going to cannibalize you in the process.

 

One month no contact is fantastic. You need to get out of the fog of that relationship and it's going to take time. Get the ball rolling for divorce. All communication needs to go through a lawyer now.

 

I feel your pain, but seriously... Go radio silent on this one. You have no reason at all to ever talk to her again.

[deg20]

Deg20.. Welcome to the club you never wanted to be part of.

 

What your ex is doing is unnatural and pathological. She is on anxiety medication and others due to chemical imbalances in her brain. The way she is behaving is closely related to what I've read about Bi Polar disorder hyper sexual hypo mania. The sadistic pleasure she gains from hurting you is part as well.

 

Out of curiosity did she have trouble sleeping? Are there family members that have mood disorders? You already answered those questions earlier. She did and does. How about family members that just flaked out and left their family or possibly schizophrenic or been in institutions for stress?

 

Many people on here are pointing you in that direction by stating she has a mental illness. RSSIs exasperate the issue and make it worse. My guess is she is rapid cycling and when she calls you crying and saying she is sorry she is in a valley of depression. Being scared like a small child. Idolizing another man while demonizing you. Sly smiles while she hurts you. Yeah, seen all that too. You will begin to see that Bi Polar is a nasty spectrum mental illness that has many faces and destroys everything in its path.

 

You can do absolutely nothing to fix this.

 

I need to say that again.

 

You can do absolutely nothing to fix her.

 

Get as far away from that person as possible. Far Far away. She hid it for a long time and with age it gets worse. It may level off in a couple years and that is when she will look back and have regrets, but you don't need to stick around for that. It is time to move on. She is unhealthy and is going to cannibalize you in the process.

 

One month no contact is fantastic. You need to get out of the fog of that relationship and it's going to take time. Get the ball rolling for divorce. All communication needs to go through a lawyer now.

 

I feel your pain, but seriously... Go radio silent on this one. You have no reason at all to ever talk to her again.

 

 

 

 

She always had trouble sleeping. Thought it was her thyroid meds though. Slept way too much just before separation. I should have seen her chemical soup as a red flag early on. Daughter was in psychiatric hospital off and on during marriage,...depression and other issues. Same with her son...tried suicide...hate to think her meds were to blame for her behaviour, as that means this breakup could have been prevented. I was secure thinking it was something inbred in her and that there was no chance for her turnaround, and she'll always be this way...makes the loss easier.

 

 

She just contacted me via text a half hour ago for the first time in over a month. She wanted to know what happened to a mutual friend who just passed away. I gave her details...that's it. She responded with, "take care of yourself"...I texted back, "I will...thanks.", and that was it.

 

 

Counselor said this is a complicated grieve and may take longer than normal to recover for me. So many layers and facets to this, but I'm improving...slowly...

[DSP]

I can relate to your story only from afar so take what I say with that in mind.

 

Your healing is going to take a while. You were traumatized by what you were shown and prolonged exposure due to that jogging friend of yours that you shared in another post. In the future if anyone asks you about her simply state you are not interested in speaking about it and try to change the subject. Once you start complete no contact can you really start to heal. I am sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through on some level.

 

Please understand that the person you used to love and feel was the left half of you is dead and gone. Mourn her passing she isn't going to return. Even with proper medication starting this day she will never return.

 

Face to face contact is only going to compound the problem simply because you will subconsciously be searching for who you used to love. You might get lucky and see her from time to time, but only for a brief moments in time then she will float away. So don't do that.

 

Don't respond to her texts anymore. There is no need. Death or not. She will panic at first, but will eventually fade away.

 

If you are searching for understanding in your journey to healing you may want to look into Bipolar Disorder and everything associated with it.

 

I'm grasping at straws here and it may not matter at this point, but this might be something to consider. I see you are 44 and were married roughly 9 years. She also has children from previous relationships. She may have had an episode around her mid 30's that was a catalyst for the end of that relationship. If that is too painful to visit then stay away.

 

It really is time for you to heal and you can only do that when you walk away and start over. Understand there was nothing you could do that would have prevented what happened to you. There was nothing you could do to make it better or to avoid any of it. It will never make sense and you will never have proper closure. Be happy that you got to spend the time with another person and be happy even if it was for only a short period of your life. It is now time to find another person to share your life with. Another soul to make happy and share the good times with. She's out there. Heal your wounds and make a better you.

[deg20]

I can relate to your story only from afar so take what I say with that in mind.

 

Your healing is going to take a while. You were traumatized by what you were shown and prolonged exposure due to that jogging friend of yours that you shared in another post. In the future if anyone asks you about her simply state you are not interested in speaking about it and try to change the subject. Once you start complete no contact can you really start to heal. I am sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through on some level.

 

Please understand that the person you used to love and feel was the left half of you is dead and gone. Mourn her passing she isn't going to return. Even with proper medication starting this day she will never return.

 

Face to face contact is only going to compound the problem simply because you will subconsciously be searching for who you used to love. You might get lucky and see her from time to time, but only for a brief moments in time then she will float away. So don't do that.

 

Don't respond to her texts anymore. There is no need. Death or not. She will panic at first, but will eventually fade away.

 

If you are searching for understanding in your journey to healing you may want to look into Bipolar Disorder and everything associated with it.

 

I'm grasping at straws here and it may not matter at this point, but this might be something to consider. I see you are 44 and were married roughly 9 years. She also has children from previous relationships. She may have had an episode around her mid 30's that was a catalyst for the end of that relationship. If that is too painful to visit then stay away.

 

It really is time for you to heal and you can only do that when you walk away and start over. Understand there was nothing you could do that would have prevented what happened to you. There was nothing you could do to make it better or to avoid any of it. It will never make sense and you will never have proper closure. Be happy that you got to spend the time with another person and be happy even if it was for only a short period of your life. It is now time to find another person to share your life with. Another soul to make happy and share the good times with. She's out there. Heal your wounds and make a better you.

 

 

This is one of the most helpful posts I've received. Thanks...please read on...

 

 

I do not ask about her anymore, and it is helping. I'm seeing my stepson at the mall tomorrow for the first time since nc, and I'm nervous. I don't want to hear about her at all.

 

 

Yes, my jogger friend's relaying of her exploits was traumatizing and has etched in my mind. I was obsessed on hearing this at the time, and disregarded how much damage this has done now...I wasn't thinking and was still not myself then.

 

 

I almost asked her to go for a coffee upon receiving her text, but didn't. Contact with her after separation has only led to her being cruel and hurtful and mean, and I remembered that, so I didn't and won't attempt that.

 

 

I just read about hypo sexual bipolar disorder, and it fits her to a T...very interesting...I believe that was part of her experience throughout her escapades, and chances are it didn't start post-separation.

 

 

Interesting about the paragraph on her last relationship. She was married to a man for 12 years ( met him at 19, he was 36 ). All her children are from him. He was controlling and mentally ( and slightly physically ) abusive to her throughout...as to the extent, I can only go by her stories. He is known in the community as a real a-hole, but I'm wondering if that demise was also initiated by her...I don't think she was that innocent, as she relayed that he accused her of cheating during their break up...so I never got both sides of that entire situation.

 

 

I am trying desperately after a year to get by this, and it's working slowly. Many friends have said they'd abandon me if I EVER got back with her, and I don't blame them...I couldn't...ever. I miss her, but I miss the old her...not the morphed version that is there now...and I must remember that!

[DSP]

In relation to what you stated about her ex...

 

I was told that the last guy was controlling, manipulative, and abusive. I was also told the same about the guy before him. I spoke to that guy (Step daughters father) and he told me he was being told she was saying this about me now.

 

I don't have enough time in my day to be controlling, manipulative or abusive. I trusted therefore I shouldn't need to be. I was able to stand on my own and never even defended those accusations. It was just silly.

 

So don't believe everything you hear or were told about her first husband. He was around 48 and she was around 31. I'm sure there was plenty of blame to go around there as to why that went south.

 

I thought about some things you posted today on my drive home. You said she texted you about a mutual friend. You no longer have mutual friends. You know someone who knows/knew your Ex Wife. It's a mind set that will help you at times put in perspective the past, present and future. Brutal, but necessary at this point in time.

 

Your Stepson is going to talk about her and you will not be able to avoid it simply because you cannot control what others do. So when it comes up be empathetic, but ready for a subject change.

 

If she has done something to offend your step son no matter what it may pertain to ask him "How did/does that make you feel when that happened?" Listen to him. Tell him you're sorry that he feels that way then change the subject to something less harmful in a gentle way.

 

If he is speaking in general terms about her simply say state that "I'd rather not talk about that. I want to enjoy every bit of time we have together. Just you and I. Right now."

 

You may have to adjust the tone and words, but I'm sure you get the point.

 

Obsessing over what was going on was nothing out of the ordinary. Many of us here have done it and continue to this day. You were trying to piece together a puzzle and find out why. Why did this happen. That is just human nature of an emotionally mature person. You were in a stage of grief. Nothing wrong with that.

 

You are very lucky to have friends. You're friends have your best interests in mind be thankful they are in your life. They are your safety net so reach out to them in your dark times.

 

Do not ever ask her for a moment of time for anything. She has rented enough space in your head for free. No need to give her more.

 

Radio Silence..... Time to heal.

[deg20]

Your Stepson is going to talk about her and you will not be able to avoid it simply because you cannot control what others do. So when it comes up be empathetic, but ready for a subject change.

 

The last time he and I went to dinner, he said something to me I found interesting...and it was initiated by him out of the blue...he said..

 

"Hey...did you ever notice how mom turns things around to make like it's something ya did or make like it's your ( the person involved ) fault?"

 

He was referring to his request for her to sign him up for a hunting course. It had to be done by an adult. He badgered her to sign up, but she was in the thick of her sexploits...so when the date passed, he was upset. She went back on him saying, "you never asked me to do that...".

 

Kids, I think, can pick up stuff. She was pretty good at this. I don't know if there's a name for this tactic, but she is good at deflecting things back to make like it's the other person's fault.

[DSP]

 

Kids, I think, can pick up stuff. She was pretty good at this. I don't know if there's a name for this tactic, but she is good at deflecting things back to make like it's the other person's fault.

 

Children are very perceptive to others especially the ones they love and care for. It is the only way they can protect themselves and have some sort of defense. Generally once a person goes through enough life experiences they tend to have a measuring stick to balance against and children pick them up as the years go by and their relationships form with others.

 

My eldest is bouncing stuff like that off me all the time. My eldest goes through the exact same thing as your step son. She is learning the hard way of the chaos I lived through all these years as she choose to live with her mother. It takes her roughly 2 hours to wind down and she usually has a mini breakdown every weekend I pick her up from the stress of her home life. She is the most responsible person in the home and she shoulders a lot of it. There is nothing I can do, but listen and try to be supportive. One day when she realizes she doesn't need her mother as much as before she will leave and my doors will be wide open for a safe place for her to land. I made her aware that I love her and I am here for her any second of the day.

 

As time goes by and the fog of that relationship lifts you are going to start to see the same things. Try not to get in a habit of agreeing extensively as it will start to turn into a bash session. Make him aware that you are there for him no matter what and that you love/care for him a lot. I've had to at times say "I never really thought of that, but you make a good point." or "Hmmm. I never thought of that." Stayed quiet for a moment in case they want to continue to talk and when I seen an opening changed the subject gently.

 

Oddly enough my ex was/is the same way. Living in deep denial and unable to accept any responsibility for even the smallest thing. It is never her fault and always the blame lays on someone else. This only exasperates you and encourages pathological lying to keep up the facade from the person in denial. This is also when "gaslighting" becomes an effective tool to bolster the claims or position of the one lying. It will make you think you going insane.

 

I hope things are getting better for you. Keep up the radio silence and take it one day at a time. I hope dinner with your step son goes better than expected.

[deg20]

Living in deep denial and unable to accept any responsibility for even the smallest thing. It is never her fault and always the blame lays on someone else. This only exasperates you and encourages pathological lying to keep up the facade from the person in denial. This is also when "gaslighting" becomes an effective tool to bolster the claims or position of the one lying. It will make you think you going insane.

 

 

Interesting...the day of separation, she provided me with a "laundry list" of my faults, short comings, and misgivings. These items were rarely if ever brought up during our marriage, or if they were, they weren't discussed in a serious, mature manner...in fact, many weren't brought up whatsoever. To this day, I am fault for the disintegration of the marriage solely. I admitted to my faults and areas I could have improved, to which I would receive, "I don't want to fix this." from her..."I just don't want to be married anymore", she would exclaim...

 

 

Mild gaslighting was there...I know it. After kissing a few of my friends on the lips during their arrival at my house, or meeting them in public, I brought it up after it finally affected me and I'd had enough. She outright denied this even took place, yet I witnessed each account at close range. This made me doubt with my own eyes what I actually saw.

 

 

Excellent dissection of my situation. The entire marriage and its unfolding is becoming clearer to me, as to who she is and was. This in turn, is helping me distance myself from her.

[DSP]

Deg honestly I wish I didn't know what you were going through. I wish I never had to walk this path or endure this level of hell. I wish my ex and I could have went our separate ways in a normal manner. I would have even excepted she cheated on me and moved on. It was what I saw and heard afterwards that almost sent me to the edge of the world. It was unfathomable to watch the horror show unfold and watch everything I live for fall apart. It took some time for me to realize I was holding water in my hands.

 

This place literally saved my life and altered my childrens life for the better in many ways. So any help I can give or any way I can pay it forward I will.

 

The list of your faults was simply rationalization of why she needed to leave you. People don't leave the person they love because it's a nice thing to do. She needed to convince herself and you that you were a bad person and she needed to get away from you. The smear campaign ensues afterwards.

 

Are you all those things she said you were? No. Were you and your behavior the only reason why the marriage fell apart? No.

 

Even if you were every single thing she said did you make any attempts not to do those again? Yes.

 

That makes you a better person and you are making yourself a better person for the next soul you will share your time with.

 

Have you picked up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet? Amazon has it in digital form. Please read it.

 

There is another book called "Psychopath Free" It is a glossy overview of leaving a relationship with someone you are free from now. Nothing from the realm of psychology. Just a spot on overview of what you went through, are going through, and what is to come.

 

Another thing that helped me was my tone of speech. Once I stopped saying "I'm getting a divorce" or "I'm going through a divorce" and changed to "I am divorced" my view of my relationship changed. I don't "Share custody with my ex" I "Have custody of my children 50% of the time" Simple things like that change the way you think.

 

Time to heal Deg. Time to build a new you.

[deg20]

I met with my stepson yesterday for dinner...the first time since no contact. It was great. I then bought him a few cds at the mall. He loves music. We get along great. The only thing he mentioned about his mom was how stressed out she is. The house won't sell and money is tight, I guess.

 

 

I tested myself and won. She picked him up and also gave me a ride home, as she offered...I don't have a car...buying one in July. Anyway, it was a ten minute drive and I felt nothing. We just talked about how she is going on strike and about work. When I asked what's new, she didn't answer but quickly reminded my stepson that he has to get a needle tomorrow...deflecting the question...interesting! She was somewhat quiet and reserved, but I was fine. It didn't set me back. I felt nothing...just kept thinking what a mess she is, and how her financial situation is setting her back, and kinda glad I'm out.

 

 

Anyway, I'm slowly recovering. I understand a lot more about her since reading your replies to me and other posts. I don't know if she'll ever recover financially, but it's not my problem now, thank god.

 

 

Thanks for input on the list of my faults. That made me feel better too.