I want to save my marriage

[zach976]

Time for another update.... I'm sure I may get bashed for this because I haven't followed any of the great advice I have been given on this site. My wife has asked me to not pressure her to make a decision, that she needed time to figure out what she wants. We have good days and bad days. She went on a trip with her lesbian friend and that girls mom to Vegas this past weekend. I told her that I didn't like the idea of it and she told me that it was her choice and that her friends mom was paying for everything. Note that my wife is a 34 year old with two kids. She sounds like a child. She has reassured me over and over that they are just best friends. While she was gone, I gained access to her gmail account and found where she has been storing a lot of her pictures. Most of the pictures were of our kids and us but there was a folder of just pics of her and her "friend" hugging and cuddling on our couch while I'm at work. I also found a get to know your partner questionnaire that they both had filled out and she had obviously saved from January. Her friends said things like how she wants to make love to my wife and how they share everything with each other and how she wants them to be a couple. My wife's was a little more conserved but did say that she knew they both wanted to be together indefinitely and that her friend makes her feel like the most important person in the world, etc., etc. I confronted her through text while on her trip and she admitted that they were emotionally involved and they she was doing things for her that I wasn't doing. We got in a huge fight and I told her when she got home, she could move her **** out and I was filing for divorce. We both felt bad about the fight and when she got home we talked for a while and she said she loves both of us and doesn't know what to do and that she doesn't want to make any big decisions before my daughters birthday on May 9th. I told her I felt like I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work. She told me that I should be fighting to win her back and I'm not. That seems totally crazy to me. Doesn't it? I'm so confused that I made a nice dinner reservation for us tonight, thinking that it may help her with her decision to want to stay. Am I an idiot? I'm so scared to walk away and Im really worried about what a divorce will do to our children. Another issue I have is that I've been involved in a hiring process for a job that I will be making a lot more money that is 4 hours away. She has promised to move even if we aren't together, so that the kids can be shared equally but she's lied so much before that I can't trust her. It's a mess. Sorry for the long, long post.

[Marchhare]

Time for another update.... I'm sure I may get bashed for this because I haven't followed any of the great advice I have been given on this site. My wife has asked me to not pressure her to make a decision, that she needed time to figure out what she wants. We have good days and bad days. She went on a trip with her lesbian friend and that girls mom to Vegas this past weekend. I told her that I didn't like the idea of it and she told me that it was her choice and that her friends mom was paying for everything. Note that my wife is a 34 year old with two kids. She sounds like a child. She has reassured me over and over that they are just best friends. While she was gone, I gained access to her gmail account and found where she has been storing a lot of her pictures. Most of the pictures were of our kids and us but there was a folder of just pics of her and her "friend" hugging and cuddling on our couch while I'm at work. I also found a get to know your partner questionnaire that they both had filled out and she had obviously saved from January. Her friends said things like how she wants to make love to my wife and how they share everything with each other and how she wants them to be a couple. My wife's was a little more conserved but did say that she knew they both wanted to be together indefinitely and that her friend makes her feel like the most important person in the world, etc., etc. I confronted her through text while on her trip and she admitted that they were emotionally involved and they she was doing things for her that I wasn't doing. We got in a huge fight and I told her when she got home, she could move her **** out and I was filing for divorce. We both felt bad about the fight and when she got home we talked for a while and she said she loves both of us and doesn't know what to do and that she doesn't want to make any big decisions before my daughters birthday on May 9th. I told her I felt like I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work. She told me that I should be fighting to win her back and I'm not. That seems totally crazy to me. Doesn't it? I'm so confused that I made a nice dinner reservation for us tonight, thinking that it may help her with her decision to want to stay. Am I an idiot? I'm so scared to walk away and Im really worried about what a divorce will do to our children. Another issue I have is that I've been involved in a hiring process for a job that I will be making a lot more money that is 4 hours away. She has promised to move even if we aren't together, so that the kids can be shared equally but she's lied so much before that I can't trust her. It's a mess. Sorry for the long, long post.

 

To answer the question, yes you are an idiot. No one, no one should have to fight for a spouse. When a couple marries, two become one. She has cheated with a man, and a woman, she's lied, can't be trusted and states YOU have to fight to her? WTF?

Marriage means working together, communicating, and showing each other you want to be with them through all. Your WW checked out of this marriage a long time ago. It's time for you to realize this.

You are now a doormat. As painful as it is, and it will hurt more, its Tim to hire an attorney and end this farce. She does not deserve you and you deserve better.

[Esraem]

To answer the question, yes you are an idiot. No one, no one should have to fight for a spouse. When a couple marries, two become one. She has cheated with a man, and a woman, she's lied, can't be trusted and states YOU have to fight to her? WTF?

Marriage means working together, communicating, and showing each other you want to be with them through all. Your WW checked out of this marriage a long time ago. It's time for you to realize this.

You are now a doormat. As painful as it is, and it will hurt more, its Tim to hire an attorney and end this farce. She does not deserve you and you deserve better.

 

You seem to be in the same situation as I, but for her it is an emotional affair with another guy. I did the same thing. Got her gmail account. Watched where she went, etc. It just drove her further. Also I got pushy as well. Until she filed. I would say the best thing is to let go and see what happens. I have noticed that she has thought about it and has been conflicted at times, but unfortunately if the other person is there, they will work to recenter them back to what they want. Take last Sunday for me. I helped our daughter with homework and also cuddled with her on the couch to watch TV. I could see out of the corner of my eye my wife looking at us with a bit of a hurt in her eyes. She then wanted time alone to think and drove off. I know she called the other guy and unfortunately it seemed to change her back. At least I know the woman I married is still in there, but it maybe to late at this time and I will need to let her go to fail. You just have to be ready to move on and if she wants to come back be ready to answer some tough questions and specific hard steps that they need to follow. Dont just let them back in or you will be back to this situation again.

[zach976]

To answer the question, yes you are an idiot. No one, no one should have to fight for a spouse. When a couple marries, two become one. She has cheated with a man, and a woman, she's lied, can't be trusted and states YOU have to fight to her? WTF?

Marriage means working together, communicating, and showing each other you want to be with them through all. Your WW checked out of this marriage a long time ago. It's time for you to realize this.

You are now a doormat. As painful as it is, and it will hurt more, its Tim to hire an attorney and end this farce. She does not deserve you and you deserve better.

 

The truth hurts but thank you. It's so confusing because she's been wanting to plan trips for us and the girls. She tells me stuff that makes me think that she wants to stay, then she other times she acts like she could care less about me. It's like she's bipolar. I told her last night to choose between her friend and me and she refused. Why doesn't she file for divorce???

[zach976]

You seem to be in the same situation as I, but for her it is an emotional affair with another guy. I did the same thing. Got her gmail account. Watched where she went, etc. It just drove her further. Also I got pushy as well. Until she filed. I would say the best thing is to let go and see what happens. I have noticed that she has thought about it and has been conflicted at times, but unfortunately if the other person is there, they will work to recenter them back to what they want. Take last Sunday for me. I helped our daughter with homework and also cuddled with her on the couch to watch TV. I could see out of the corner of my eye my wife looking at us with a bit of a hurt in her eyes. She then wanted time alone to think and drove off. I know she called the other guy and unfortunately it seemed to change her back. At least I know the woman I married is still in there, but it maybe to late at this time and I will need to let her go to fail. You just have to be ready to move on and if she wants to come back be ready to answer some tough questions and specific hard steps that they need to follow. Dont just let them back in or you will be back to this situation again.

 

That's the same with me. At times I can see the women inside her that I married. She will break down and tell me she's so confused. I'm just so torn because I have invested the last 14 years of my life into her just to get hurt over and over. I can't leg go of what the future could hold for us.

[Esraem]

The truth hurts but thank you. It's so confusing because she's been wanting to plan trips for us and the girls. She tells me stuff that makes me think that she wants to stay, then she other times she acts like she could care less about me. It's like she's bipolar. I told her last night to choose between her friend and me and she refused. Why doesn't she file for divorce???

 

Has she ever been tested? My wife has depression and I have seen more swings lately than before. She has been off meds for over 2 years which has corresponded with our major issues. I think she also may be bipolar as so is my MIL. I would not be surprised as your situation mirrors closely.

[zach976]

Has she ever been tested? My wife has depression and I have seen more swings lately than before. She has been off meds for over 2 years which has corresponded with our major issues. I think she also may be bipolar as so is my MIL. I would not be surprised as your situation mirrors closely.

 

I mentioned to her that she should go to her doctor for a complete check up but she's going to do what she wants. I thought that she may have a chemical imbalance or something.

[Mr Carson]

You’re not an idiot you’re just thinking like one. You’re a good person who’s letting an IDIOT jerk you around, if you continue down this path you will certainly graduate to full blown idiot status.

 

 

 

Please follow the advice you’ve been given here and probably by MC and dump WW ASAP!

 

 

I mean no disrespect and I’m not trying to be funny, this is not funny in anyway it hurts and breaks your heart I know. I feel bad for you because you do sound like a great guy and you deserve much much better. You need to make up her mind for her file for a D NOW! You have to do it for you and your girls.

[zach976]

Something I don't understand is why she doesn't file for divorce herself? It's like she's waiting for me to do it.

[Marchhare]

The truth hurts but thank you. It's so confusing because she's been wanting to plan trips for us and the girls. She tells me stuff that makes me think that she wants to stay, then she other times she acts like she could care less about me. It's like she's bipolar. I told her last night to choose between her friend and me and she refused. Why doesn't she file for divorce???

 

I know it hurts, sorry Zach. There should be no choice, she married you, not her lover. Why should she give up her lover? You babysit so she can play, you provide a home so she can play, you are her doormat. So she wont divorce you. So she will have her fun while you slave away, and you will whine and pine. She,will pretend to care while she is busy in bed with her lover. So why should she divorce, she has it made. You have to file. No ifs ands or buts.

It hurts.

She does not care about you except when she needs something. She'll cry and play on your love to NOT do the right thing, and kick her out of your life.

Time to 180, (look it up) and save yourself.

Sorry Zach, but your marriage was over years ago and you are being used and abused.

Lawyer up and protect you and your children. If she cared about the kids, she wouldn't be doing this.

I know it hurts, but its time.

[misty12]

Something I don't understand is why she doesn't file for divorce herself? It's like she's waiting for me to do it.

 

Guilt and cowardice. I am in a similar position as your wife minus the physical affairs. Please end this and let her go. She doesn't want to be with you, you are prolonging your own misery.

Edited April 28, 2015 by misty12

[Mr Carson]

Something I don't understand is why she doesn't file for divorce herself? It's like she's waiting for me to do it.

 

Why would she? Your WW has the best of both worlds she does what she wants with whom she wants and you let her.

 

You put a roof over her head food, probably a car a phone, all the perks of being YOUR WIFE!

 

This is why most everyone is pushing for you to file, it will wake her up. Although in the long run I don't think it will change the outcome for your marriage. If you choose to stay with WW your just prolonging your suffering.

[zach976]

Thanks for the brutal honesty that I need. I'm going to contact a lawyer and get some advice on how I should start the process. I'm still going to hold out until after my daughters birthday to file. She's so excited about her party and I don't want her to have to worry about anything else.

[Marchhare]

Thanks for the brutal honesty that I need. I'm going to contact a lawyer and get some advice on how I should start the process. I'm still going to hold out until after my daughters birthday to file. She's so excited about her party and I don't want her to have to worry about anything else.

 

Good for you, find a lawyer tomorrow, serve your STBXW after your daughters party, get all your finances in order, then prepare for the crocodile tears.

 

Dont fall for them. They are called crocodile tears for a reason.

She will definitely try to "win" you back initially, the when you stand firm, the crocodile will snap her jaws.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm going to contact a lawyer and get some advice on how I should start the process.

 

Like the rest of us, you've discovered one person can't fix a union of two.

 

Protect yourself and your kids. Should your wife emerge from her coma when she realizes what's at risk, you can adjust accordingly. Til then, keep posting, much support and good advice here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ralfgarnett]

There is good advice in here, me and my WW have been apart since summer and I spent months trying to fix something that she didn't want fixing, so eventually a while back I stopped trying, if you really want a chance of winning her back you have to let her go and hope she comes back herself, if you keep trying you will get no where and it will tie you in knots and screw up your brain, as with my W she has taken a destructive path let them stumble on it.

[Mr. Goodguy]

Zack,

 

Bro I am going through it too. She is done for now she has experienced something else that may be temporary but she think its making her happy. The sad part that if this doesnt work out she may seem to come back just long enough to try to find someone else. I am realizing that my wife as I knew her is gone she said the same thing she wanted to be on her own. The thing was she was lying the whole time she had been making escape plans for 2 months. The minute she moved out of the house which she said was to move in with her girlfriend she moved in with this guy and has been there for 6 weeks. You have to protect yourself and your kids. This is not going to be easy and I would hate when people say it but it does get easier and it does but you have to get on that road of brutal reality to start actually healing. Once you begin to be real with yourself you will be on your way and the best part is you will be someone stronger on the other side. She stays in lala land but you get stronger and more emotionally mature for yourself and your children. And just so you know the dating scene moves from a small pool to an ocean when women find out that my wife moved out and I am there raising my boys. This too shall pass and we will all be better and happier to have the cheater and liars out of our lives. Hang in there champ. Because right now you are a champion even though you may not feel like it.

[Esraem]

There is good advice in here, me and my WW have been apart since summer and I spent months trying to fix something that she didn't want fixing, so eventually a while back I stopped trying, if you really want a chance of winning her back you have to let her go and hope she comes back herself, if you keep trying you will get no where and it will tie you in knots and screw up your brain, as with my W she has taken a destructive path let them stumble on it.

 

This is the truth. As hard as it really is. The hardest part for me is, I have to see her everyday. It hurts harder. I am going to let her go as that is what she wants. We just need to trust the future will be better even if you cant see it.

[zach976]

I talked with a trusted lawyer today that is my brothers good friend. With me being a candidate for a new job that's 4 hours away, he advised me to wait it out and see if I get the job or not before filing. He said me taking the job and my wife and kids still here would be detrimental to me getting what's deserved in the divorce and custody. I hope this doesn't put me behind in what I feel like I'm prepared to do right now.

[zach976]

Zack,

 

Bro I am going through it too. She is done for now she has experienced something else that may be temporary but she think its making her happy. The sad part that if this doesnt work out she may seem to come back just long enough to try to find someone else. I am realizing that my wife as I knew her is gone she said the same thing she wanted to be on her own. The thing was she was lying the whole time she had been making escape plans for 2 months. The minute she moved out of the house which she said was to move in with her girlfriend she moved in with this guy and has been there for 6 weeks. You have to protect yourself and your kids. This is not going to be easy and I would hate when people say it but it does get easier and it does but you have to get on that road of brutal reality to start actually healing. Once you begin to be real with yourself you will be on your way and the best part is you will be someone stronger on the other side. She stays in lala land but you get stronger and more emotionally mature for yourself and your children. And just so you know the dating scene moves from a small pool to an ocean when women find out that my wife moved out and I am there raising my boys. This too shall pass and we will all be better and happier to have the cheater and liars out of our lives. Hang in there champ. Because right now you are a champion even though you may not feel like it.

 

I can only hope to be as positive as you are. Thank you for the kind words. I feel like trying to survive on a single income and starting over is going to be very difficult. This is an all time low for me.

[Marchhare]

I talked with a trusted lawyer today that is my brothers good friend. With me being a candidate for a new job that's 4 hours away, he advised me to wait it out and see if I get the job or not before filing. He said me taking the job and my wife and kids still here would be detrimental to me getting what's deserved in the divorce and custody. I hope this doesn't put me behind in what I feel like I'm prepared to do right now.

 

It is sad, very tough, and hurts like hell. I commend you for immediately seeking advice, and I encourage you to follow your attorneys lead. It is numbing.

But this too shall pass. Stick to your guns and protect yourself and children.

Trust me it will get worse, please dont let her fool you any more.

 

You are no longer an idiot.

[Lion Heart]

The truth hurts but thank you. It's so confusing because she's been wanting to plan trips for us and the girls. She tells me stuff that makes me think that she wants to stay, then she other times she acts like she could care less about me. It's like she's bipolar. I told her last night to choose between her friend and me and she refused. Why doesn't she file for divorce???

 

Sorry if this has been highlighted to you already but the reason why she's NOT choosing between her Affair Partner and you is because she's cake-eating. Your WW is a cake-eater. She's been doing it to you for years. Even now you've found out that she's been unfaithful with BOTH sexes and is continuing her lesbian affair, you still haven't kicked her out or made her leave or filed for divorce (haven't read your whole thread yet - maybe you have! Hope so). Yes I read you've seen a lawyer. More power to you Zach.

 

The VERY VERY LEAST this crazy WW requires is CONSEQUENCES for HER actions! WIDESPREAD EXPOSURE.

How dare she expect you to "suffer in silence" over her abandoning her family for multiple affairs. TELL PEOPLE!!!

 

Zach, I'm sorry to be harsh with you. I really am. I know this hurts more than anything in your life before. I know. I've been there twice before and with children to the cheaters and it kills me. It has really hurt my children too. But it was the wayward spouse's CHOICES that ended the Ms. Not ours. We were the faithful, devoted, family focussed spouse and parent.

 

I strongly suggest you gather as much evidence of your WWs shenanigans as POSSIBLE. If you haven't started already, start now. I'm sorry to suggest this too but the sooner the better - get your children DNA tested. I feel SO SO sorry for men in this situation, my heart bleeds for you all. Some tests have turned up that the children are not theirs and some of those fathers are here on LS.

 

Go for custody of your daughters. Sure girls need their mother, they need their father too but when one parent is a crazy WS, a child does NOT need a life being raised with that. Children need stability and as much predictability in their lives as a stable, well balanced and disciplined parent can give. YOU are that parent. Not HER.

 

Yes you may lose an income but you lose the crazy sh** this woman is putting you and your whole family through.

I hope you get your promotion, move 4 hours away, become D and set up you and your girls in a smaller home that you can maintain more easily.

 

And I agree 100% with the poster that stated that the field of new partners opens very wide when they discover you're a faithful father and you D your WW. Be ready for your WW to jump up and down like a chimpanzee about you "taking the children away" from her either by D or moving or both. Stand strong brother. HER ACTIONS necessitated your REACTION. YOU are thinking of the children and their psychological safety, so you must D and financial reasons necessitate your move.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

 

I reckon she'll make little effort to see the children after you move.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Trust me, you will move on because you have to. There are women who will love your daughters. They need positive role models. Choose a woman with proven good character next time.

 

Lion Heart.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Lion Heart

[zach976]

My daughters party went great, stress free. My wife and I talked about divorce yesterday and she said that she wants to be the primary parent and we bother agreed on 50/50 custody. We talked about writing out everything we want and taking it to a lawyer together to make it a simple divorce. I also received an email for a test date on the job I am trying to pursue that's 4 hours away. My wife says that she will move as soon as she finds a job, if I get the job, so we can be close to the kids. She even said that she would sign a legal document saying that she planned to move. Does anyone have any idea how or if this would work. I asked her why she thought she deserved to be the primary parent and she lost it completely. She was screaming and cussing like I had never seen before. Our daughters were in the other room. Our 2 year old was really scared and started crying, our older daughter was really worried. It was awful. My wife told me if I tried to get primary, she would fight me and try to take everything from me. Being primary isn't much more than the kids address being her home and not me. I'm not sure how to proceed. If I decide to be friendly and we can agree on everything, I can get 50% custody and what I want from the home. If I try to fight her for primary, I chance her trying to wipe me out and both of us spending money on lawyers that we don't have. I just feel like up to this point, her actions have had zero consequences.

[jbrent890]

My daughters party went great, stress free. My wife and I talked about divorce yesterday and she said that she wants to be the primary parent and we bother agreed on 50/50 custody. We talked about writing out everything we want and taking it to a lawyer together to make it a simple divorce. I also received an email for a test date on the job I am trying to pursue that's 4 hours away. My wife says that she will move as soon as she finds a job, if I get the job, so we can be close to the kids. She even said that she would sign a legal document saying that she planned to move. Does anyone have any idea how or if this would work. I asked her why she thought she deserved to be the primary parent and she lost it completely. She was screaming and cussing like I had never seen before. Our daughters were in the other room. Our 2 year old was really scared and started crying, our older daughter was really worried. It was awful. My wife told me if I tried to get primary, she would fight me and try to take everything from me. Being primary isn't much more than the kids address being her home and not me. I'm not sure how to proceed. If I decide to be friendly and we can agree on everything, I can get 50% custody and what I want from the home. If I try to fight her for primary, I chance her trying to wipe me out and both of us spending money on lawyers that we don't have. I just feel like up to this point, her actions have had zero consequences.

 

From now on out, start recording every conversation with her. From what it sounds like, she does not need to be the primary parent. Explain to your lawyer that you do the cooking, cleaning, and that she is volatile towards you in front of the children. Have another one of these outbursts recorded and she is done.

[No Limit]

My daughters party went great, stress free. My wife and I talked about divorce yesterday and she said that she wants to be the primary parent and we bother agreed on 50/50 custody. We talked about writing out everything we want and taking it to a lawyer together to make it a simple divorce. I also received an email for a test date on the job I am trying to pursue that's 4 hours away. My wife says that she will move as soon as she finds a job, if I get the job, so we can be close to the kids. She even said that she would sign a legal document saying that she planned to move. Does anyone have any idea how or if this would work. I asked her why she thought she deserved to be the primary parent and she lost it completely. She was screaming and cussing like I had never seen before. Our daughters were in the other room. Our 2 year old was really scared and started crying, our older daughter was really worried. It was awful. My wife told me if I tried to get primary, she would fight me and try to take everything from me. Being primary isn't much more than the kids address being her home and not me. I'm not sure how to proceed. If I decide to be friendly and we can agree on everything, I can get 50% custody and what I want from the home. If I try to fight her for primary, I chance her trying to wipe me out and both of us spending money on lawyers that we don't have. I just feel like up to this point, her actions have had zero consequences.

 

She's unstable. It's really too bad you didn't record her, this piece alone would have been enough in court. Don't let her be the primary parent without a good fight.