I want to save my marriage

[oldshirt]

My daughters party went great, stress free. My wife and I talked about divorce yesterday and she said that she wants to be the primary parent and we bother agreed on 50/50 custody. We talked about writing out everything we want and taking it to a lawyer together to make it a simple divorce. I also received an email for a test date on the job I am trying to pursue that's 4 hours away. My wife says that she will move as soon as she finds a job, if I get the job, so we can be close to the kids. She even said that she would sign a legal document saying that she planned to move. Does anyone have any idea how or if this would work. I asked her why she thought she deserved to be the primary parent and she lost it completely. She was screaming and cussing like I had never seen before. Our daughters were in the other room. Our 2 year old was really scared and started crying, our older daughter was really worried. It was awful. My wife told me if I tried to get primary, she would fight me and try to take everything from me. Being primary isn't much more than the kids address being her home and not me. I'm not sure how to proceed. If I decide to be friendly and we can agree on everything, I can get 50% custody and what I want from the home. If I try to fight her for primary, I chance her trying to wipe me out and both of us spending money on lawyers that we don't have. I just feel like up to this point, her actions have had zero consequences.

 

 

 

Those are questions for YOUR lawyer. And the reason I emphasize 'your' lawyer is because you need to have your own lawyer representing your best interests and not sharing one with your STBX.

 

 

And I concur with the others stating that you need to start carrying a voice activated recorder (unbeknownst to her of course) and start recording her outbursts and double talk.

[starglider]

Dear Zach976,

 

Sorry to hear about this nightmare. My understanding is that if your wife does have primary custody, she would have the right to move out of state with your children at some point, even if you set things up with 50/50 arrangement now. So don't assume that the only difference is their mailing address. Please ask your lawyer about this.

 

Good luck.

[DKT3]

Dear Zach976,

 

Sorry to hear about this nightmare. My understanding is that if your wife does have primary custody, she would have the right to move out of state with your children at some point, even if you set things up with 50/50 arrangement now. So don't assume that the only difference is their mailing address. Please ask your lawyer about this.

 

Good luck.

Actually she can't move out of State.

 

I have a cousin who's ex wife moved from New York to Florida taking their two children. He went to court and the judge told her she had 15 days to return the kids back to New York. I'm sure it will vary slightly from state to state, but not much.

[starglider]

Actually she can't move out of State.

 

I have a cousin who's ex wife moved from New York to Florida taking their two children. He went to court and the judge told her she had 15 days to return the kids back to New York. I'm sure it will vary slightly from state to state, but not much.

 

Glad to hear the judge made the ex bring the kids back in state, but I'll stand by my original comment that custody arrangements need to be researched and discussed with a lawyer extensively and worst case scenarios should be understood.

 

The book I read about "Healthy Divorce" stated this moving out of state with the kids scenario is a real possibility with a "primary custody" arrangement (not joint custody, as I recall) even when it was set up as a 50/50 arrangement. I know a mother who took advantage of this (sadly, I thought) and moved across country after a few years of divorce and now the dad only sees the kids in the summer.

 

I could be wrong with the terminology "primary custody" but all I'm saying is to do serious research into this legal terrain around custody and shell out money for a real lawyer's take on this matter. It is everything!

[DKT3]

Glad to hear the judge made the ex bring the kids back in state, but I'll stand by my original comment that custody arrangements need to be researched and discussed with a lawyer extensively and worst case scenarios should be understood.

 

The book I read about "Healthy Divorce" stated this moving out of state with the kids scenario is a real possibility with a "primary custody" arrangement (not joint custody, as I recall) even when it was set up as a 50/50 arrangement. I know a mother who took advantage of this (sadly, I thought) and moved across country after a few years of divorce and now the dad only sees the kids in the summer.

 

I could be wrong with the terminology "primary custody" but all I'm saying is to do serious research into this legal terrain around custody and shell out money for a real lawyer's take on this matter. It is everything!

 

No they can't, not without the other parents agreeing or with a court order. Many of those court orders will include the custodial parent*be responsible for getting the child back for visitation, in most cases weekly.

 

Your example is one of a father that didn't/doesn't know his rights. Have your friend check out fathersrights . Org

 

This isn't the old days, the views of the courts have changed. In fact more and more fathers are being named custodial parent. Its no longer automatic. In fact I know a woman I worked with who's husband was named custodial parent because he only worked part time and she worked full time, despite the fact that she spent more time with the kids.

 

Op check out that website, its great information and will walk you through the process.

[zach976]

Update.

It got a lot worse and has now calmed down a bit. We've talked to a lawyer and she went ahead and filed the original petition for divorce. We have set down and agreed on custody and material items in the home. I can't help but still want to try to salvage this marriage for the kids and us to work on the marriage. When we talk, my wife is not for certain this is what she wants but she seems to want to stick to the decision because it's a decision that she has made. I just don't know if I should keep trying or just give up.

[chew123]

She made the decision. Let her go. I know its hard and you are moving into an unknown future. But from what I have read it does not sound like there is much to save. The sooner you get past this the sooner your recovery can begin.

 

And who cares what she wants now. Its time to do what you want.

[Totallyfooled]

Firstly, I'm so sorry you are going through this, I really felt for you as I read through your posts.

 

Unfortunately it does sound like your WW has already checked out of the marriage and as I finally learnt (the hard way), one person cannot keep a marriage together, no matter how much they want it, it needs both parties to want it and work at it.

 

I recognised that my own marriage was getting into dangerous disconnected territory almost 5 years ago. I am all about honesty, sharing your feelings, and feel strongly that having an affair is just not an option when you make a life long commitment to someone you love. So I discussed, pleaded and tried to force the necessary changes with my WH to do things to reconnect and regain that fun and spark that was missing. Instead he chose to work longer hours and made all sorts of excuses to find ways to not be at home or spend time with me or as a family, as it was easier to stay away (his admission). Then i had a really bad year with work, parents and a hormonal teenage boy constantly butting head with me, I gave up nagging my WH to do things together. The inevitable happened, he had an affair.

 

It took me a while to figure it out, and I fully admit I probably knew deep down that something wasn't right. When I finally got through the tough stuff and had time to recognise and give in to my suspicions, I uncovered the truth. After I had gotten over the shock of how long it had gone on for (18 months), what he had done/said and been lying about, I was like you and still wanted to work through our marriage issues, stay together, give him another chance. After all 17 years of marriage and 21 years together is a lot to just throw away for what I hoped was just a mid-life crisis.

 

But thankfully it didn't take me too long to figure out that even though he said he wanted to work on fixing things, he wasn't really trying, but when I suggested that I felt he didn't want to be married anymore, he refused to accept that. A number of MC sessions and 2 months later, I was given a very strong message that he had no intention of fixing our marriage (a Facebook message from the OW friend asking me to clarify things he had been saying to her over the whole reconciliation time of supposed NC). That was it for me and I told him as much. Unfortunately in Australia, we have to be separated for 12 months before we can apply for a divorce, so thats where I'm at, and now I am counting down the months until I can officially apply.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I hear your pain, I've lived through it as so many here have too. But at least you have the luxury of being able to get a divorce over and done with and not have to wait and relive it all again in 12 months.

 

My advice, don't waste anymore time or energy trying to fix something that your WW has no value for. You can't make her want to be with you, no-one can make another person love them, no matter how forgiving, nice, loving, kind or accommodating you are.

 

Right now, you need to be the mature responsible one for children, try to keep things as amicable as possible (within reason) and maybe 50/50 custody is the first step for now if she will agree.

 

The kids will be ok if they know firstly, that it's not their fault, and secondly, they are loved by both of you no matter how you feel about each other right now, and that you will both do what's best for them. They are the innocent party in this and the most vulnerable.

 

As hard as it is, sometimes you just have to walk away from something that can't be fixed. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.