Cinnimon Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I was married to my ex-husband for 15 years, we have a daughter in common who is very close to her father as well as his mother, her grandmother. He and I have been divorced for close to 15 years now but we are still friends. His mother has just been put on hospice and given 1 week to live. I really want to go and see her and tell her that even though we had our issues when I was married to her son and especially when he and I went through our divorce, that I still always loved and respected her (although at times I didn't like her and vice versa). My dillema is that I don't know how she would receive this from me. Should I worry about that or just do it? My daughter is very upset and has made me assure her that I will attend her grandmothers funeral by her and her fathers side and I absolutely will. I don't know whether it would be right or wrong? I only know I need to decide SOON. Anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 I wouldn't want you there on my deathbed if you divorced my son...but that's just me. But you could certainly be at my funeral for my granddaughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Thank you for your input. I would want her there on mine but I can see where you are coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 How is your relationship with her? Do you invite her to special occasions for your daughter and are you in her company frequently? Because that's what makes the difference to me. You showing up after 15 years of nothing would be highly inappropriate in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Go and see her, but put all thoughts of any pre-determined discussion on the topic of 'once upon a time' out of your mind. Go and see her because you want to, and you respect her, and have affection for her. If she has but a short time to live, crap from the past is not going to make her last few days pleasant. Just be there, and be loving. Really, in your final days, that's all you want. people who love you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 I have not excluded her from my life nor has she excluded me. Of course my ex is with someone new and I am friends with her as well, not only for my daughters sake but I also really like her. So as far as inviting her to family events such as Christmas or Easter and stuff like that , no but I have been to dinner with her on birthday celebrations for my daughter and for my ex, my daughters graduation from college, stuff like that. She has even been to my house a few times when my ex stopped by to drop something off for my daughter. We spoke, it was cordial, we even hugged. I don't really know what the right thing to do is. When I found out this morning that she has been given a year to live, my heart just sank and I really felt the need to just go see her and tall her that I love her and that while we had issues when it came to mine and her sons marriage and divorce, it was never anything personal about her. I do feel great sadness of learning she will be passing soon, I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Then I think you should go see her out of respect. Maybe go with your daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 AND I really do want to set a good example to my daughter, if that makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Thank you. So much, really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 AND I really do want to set a good example to my daughter, if that makes any sense. It makes perfect sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cinnimon Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Go and see her, but put all thoughts of any pre-determined discussion on the topic of 'once upon a time' out of your mind. Go and see her because you want to, and you respect her, and have affection for her. If she has but a short time to live, crap from the past is not going to make her last few days pleasant. Just be there, and be loving. Really, in your final days, that's all you want. people who love you. See I was kind of thinking that in my final days, if someone came to me that I had past issues with it would make me feel like they really did love and respect me and they cared enough to say goodbye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 Do it to bring peace to you both. Comfort and quiet words. No major emotional discussions need be stated. Soothing words or comforting touch to help ease her anxiety. This is one time that a person is laying by the grim reaper and can use tender gestures. Go. And Be the face of comfort. My prayers to her that its a gentle time.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 When I found out this morning that she has been given a year to live, my heart just sank and I really felt the need to just go see her and tall her that I love her and that while we had issues when it came to mine and her sons marriage and divorce, it was never anything personal about her. I think you should send her a handwritten letter or card with the above sentiments and ask if it's okay if you visit with your daughter to say hello. If you had been out of the picture (as far as she's concerned) for many years, then I would say that you need to keep your distance, but it seems like you have been in contact and have even been on good terms with her. If she says it's okay, go see her once, bring flowers, tell her you love her, and let her know that she can count on you if she needs anything. Sorry about your daughter's grandma. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I think you should send her a handwritten letter or card with the above sentiments and ask if it's okay if you visit with your daughter to say hello. If you had been out of the picture (as far as she's concerned) for many years, then I would say that you need to keep your distance, but it seems like you have been in contact and have even been on good terms with her. If she says it's okay, go see her once, bring flowers, tell her you love her, and let her know that she can count on you if she needs anything. Sorry about your daughter's grandma. I wish you all the best. The OP stated that the elder has less then a week to live....sending a card then expecting her to respond? When my relative was in her last week, she didn't read, or talk, she was entering her last phase of life amongst us. So to have a visitor...and listen...was her response to life .... OP, take the time....your life can wait. for the everyday ta do's....Hers cannot. It is thru doing..and thereafter that you will understand... Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) Edit: Nevermind. Wish you the best, OP. Edited April 10, 2015 by CC12 Link to post Share on other sites
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