Quiet Storm Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 You forgot a man that genuinely likes kids and animals. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 To me, you simply accept the other person as they are, if you find them to your liking. I accept the female side of the couple as she should either accept me or not. Same here. The woman I dated most of last year was significantly focused on what she wanted-expected-deserved from a man, with emphasis on where I could be making more effort, of course. The attitude of entitlement still leaves a bad taste. I haven't felt like being in hot pursuit mode since, so I'm taking it easy, being somewhat passive and letting women who contact me put in their share of effort. All it takes is a comment or two about being highly selective, expecting to be woo'd and pursued, or other indications that she's entitled to a big showing up front by virtue of her membership in the vajayjay owners association and I lose interest pretty quick. This is not a rant on women generally... it's about expectations being out of whack at times and I'm sure it goes both ways between the genders. I'm just not into that knight-in-shining-armor crap anymore. I want a person of integrity who appreciates another person of integrity just for who he is, and not what he can do for her. It needs to be balanced and reciprocal or I'm not interested. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Am I close? Yup. Well done! Challenge complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Wrong. Women want a fancy car, a big dick to ride, and lots of money. Preferably good-looking. Not necessarily in that order. I was just stretched out downstairs, trying to take a nap, and was thinking about how much easier all of this should be - and then I thought of this type of thinking that some of you desperately try to spread to other men, in your hopes of punishing women (for whatever reason - did we blink too much today? Maybe take a little more of the oxygen than you think we're entitled to? or "to which we're entitled" for the grammar lovers out there.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 You forgot a man that genuinely likes kids and animals. I once asked my stripper friend what makes a man sexy. "When he is holding a baby", she replied. Just shoot me now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 The bottom line, though, is you have to be true to yourself...If being the super sweet guy that always brings cards and flowers, loves kittens and bunnies, and volunteers at the homeless shelter isn't your thing, then don't do it, just because some women on the internet think that is what makes an ideal man...But if that's what you are, then great..rock on... The world is full of douchebags that have women fighting over them,,,,millions of them, actually....and there are plenty of nice and sweet guys at home with their dick in their hand... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 Sadly, I honestly don't care the way beachdude does about putting that much effort in. To me, you simply accept the other person as they are, if you find them to your liking. I accept the female side of the couple as she should either accept me or not. I am divorced, but did have a 10 year marriage. Neither of us had to put any effort in at all. We just were ourselves and that was all it took (until the ending). Literally, no real effort at all needed. I suppose I simply don't get into relationships with really demanding people. I always pick the go with the flow, cool chick. Just my opinion, but this "no effort at all" attitude towards relationships eventually bites people in the ars. And even "go with the flow, cool chicks" like to feel special. My experience with the laid back women is that they often don't say what they really think and then it all comes to a sudden crash. They don't say anything because 1. They are super patient because they are laid back, so it takes a while for them to hit the wall, 2. They don't want to demand anything because it wouldn't mean anything anyway if the guy did it because they pushed him to do it, But, just like any other woman, they feel it if they don't think they are a priority, or if their guy doesn't listen carefully, give them emotional support, don't feel comfortable sharing, etc.. The guy is blissfully unaware that a problem exists then the "go with the flow" girl suddenly drops him or loses interest. BTW, I'm not at all saying that happened in your case! So please do not misunderstand! But I think we guys have to be aware that the laid back woman is still a woman and loves to be treated that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NGC1300 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Looking back over the years, and reflecting on my many mistakes and few successes, I have come up with this list of what I understand women to want in a man. Much of this knowledge I have learned the hard way! So I am certainly not saying I do this perfectly, or even well. I have in mind what women want from a man in a long term relationship, not necessarily after a few dates! For what it's worth, here it is.... Pardon the length! Love A man who loves and adores her heart. A man who is loyal to her above everyone else, including his best friends, and if it comes down to it, even his own mother, especially his own mother!! A man who sees her as his favorite person to spend time with. A man who thinks of her when they are not together and does little things to show this. A man who makes her the top priority in his life. A man who sees her on her worst days, yet sees the best in her. A man who treats her sweetly and kindly, even when she is being "difficult". Connection A man she feels comfortable and safe with. A man she feels comfortable sharing her deepest secrets with. A man who not only listens to what she says but pays attention to how she feels about what she is saying, and communicates that to her (I.e. "Hon, you seem down about that"). A man who knows what to do for her to feel heard on an emotional level. A man who is tuned into her emotionally. A man who knows how to respond to her emotions in helpful ways. A man who gives her his undivided attention when she is talking to him. A man who remembers what she says. A man who notices and remembers what she likes and doesn't like. A man who listens to her without problem solving, judging, lecturing, taking other peoples sides, and especially doesn't insinuate she is overreacting, unreasonable or "crazy". A man who notices any change in her physical appearance such as hair, make up, and clothing. A man who takes the time to get to know her on a deep level and understand her. Romance A man that romances her, even after 40 years of marriage. A man who continues to date her and treats her like he did when the relationship was new. A man who knows what to do for her to feel special. A man who knows how to plan dates. A man who gives gifts that show thought and planning, especially ones that show he knows what she likes. A man who can make her laugh. A man who is playful with her on occasion. A man who can be affectionate without the need for sex A man who is physically attracted to her. "Manly" qualities A man who is confident yet has ego in check A man who is secure, not needy or clingy. A man who doesn't take it personally when she is having her "time of the month". A man who knows how to let little things slide without getting bent out of shape. A man that can give her space when she needs it without being insecure about it. A man who doesn't get his feelings hurt easily. A man she can tease without him taking it personally. A man who treats her gently yet has backbone with her if need be (yet done lovingly) A man who has healthy boundaries who doesn't allow others to walk all over him, including her. A man who demonstrates self control. Character/personality A man with goals and healthy work ethic. A man she finds "interesting". A man who is kind, especially to her. A man who is dependable. A man who does what he says when he says he is going to do it, especially when it is something he promised her!! A man who shows ethical integrity A man who isn't controlling. A man who takes care of himself physically. A man who is clean and neat. Honesty A man who is utterly truthful to her Relationship skills A man who can put his ego aside and listen during conflict in such a way that she feels heard. A man who gives assurances that he is committed to her during conflict and doesn't withdraw from her. A man who puts effort into making the relationship work. A man who takes initiative to work on problems in the relationship. A man willing to work on himself for the sake of the relationship. A man who isn't afraid to admit when he's made a mistake. A man who can give a sincere apology when he's messed up A man she doesn't have to spell out everything she would like him to do in the relationship. LoL what a burden. This is why I stay home and play video games. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 (sigh) Bachdude, the list is spot on but maybe I'm disillusioned bc I don't believe there is a man out there who comes even close to that. So, if you can master what you listed..you would be a rare find! I used to be a romantic, believed in true love and fairy tales and that a perfect man would come sweep me off my feet.... until I grew up. Now, I believe relationships are all about two compatible people who are continuously putting in effort to keep the connection, because they value the relationship. Relationships = effort. I've never met a couple who had it "easy," there were always ups and down, and rocky periods, but those who made it in the long run were committed to making it work...so it worked. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Regarding effort, and speaking as someone who's been married for a long time, yes and no relationships take effort. It takes attention and care, but the effort is a joy when you are with someone you really love. Here's my take on the list: Love A man who loves and adores her heart. A man who is loyal to her above everyone else, including his best friends, and if it comes down to it, even his own mother, especially his own mother!! A man who sees her as his favorite person to spend time with. A man who thinks of her when they are not together and does little things to show this. A man who makes her the top priority in his life. A man who sees her on her worst days, yet sees the best in her. A man who treats her sweetly and kindly, even when she is being "difficult". A man who adores her does the rest on this list naturally. It's when the adoration wanes that the rest feels like "work". If it is work to spend time together and make each other a priority, then why are you with this person? I disagree with the point of treating her sweetly when she's being difficult. We use a lot of humor to defuse situations, but neither of us expects the other to tiptoe around a grouch. Give the grouch some space, and it should pass. We have kids, and this list extends to them in many ways, including my last point about how to handle grouchy moods. Connection A man she feels comfortable and safe with. A man she feels comfortable sharing her deepest secrets with. A man who not only listens to what she says but pays attention to how she feels about what she is saying, and communicates that to her (I.e. "Hon, you seem down about that"). A man who knows what to do for her to feel heard on an emotional level. A man who is tuned into her emotionally. A man who knows how to respond to her emotions in helpful ways. A man who gives her his undivided attention when she is talking to him. A man who remembers what she says. A man who notices and remembers what she likes and doesn't like. A man who listens to her without problem solving, judging, lecturing, taking other peoples sides, and especially doesn't insinuate she is overreacting, unreasonable or "crazy". A man who notices any change in her physical appearance such as hair, make up, and clothing. A man who takes the time to get to know her on a deep level and understand her. I actually don't need all this from a partner and can get most of this from girlfriends. It is enough that he accepts me, but he doesn't need to understand or mirror me emotionally. Some of this would actually be a bit much, to be honest. Romance A man that romances her, even after 40 years of marriage. A man who continues to date her and treats her like he did when the relationship was new. A man who knows what to do for her to feel special. A man who knows how to plan dates. A man who gives gifts that show thought and planning, especially ones that show he knows what she likes. A man who can make her laugh. A man who is playful with her on occasion. A man who can be affectionate without the need for sex A man who is physically attracted to her. I'm ok with 80% of the romance being sexual, as long as it is flirty and playful all day long and not just at sex time. I do like the point of still dating after years of marriage, but let's be honest, dating was heavy on the sex! That's a big part of "still dating" after all these years: keeping the sexual tension. "Manly" qualities A man who is confident yet has ego in check A man who is secure, not needy or clingy. A man who doesn't take it personally when she is having her "time of the month". A man who knows how to let little things slide without getting bent out of shape. A man that can give her space when she needs it without being insecure about it. A man who doesn't get his feelings hurt easily. A man she can tease without him taking it personally. A man who treats her gently yet has backbone with her if need be (yet done lovingly) A man who has healthy boundaries who doesn't allow others to walk all over him, including her. A man who demonstrates self control. Yes, manly qualities are very important in a man. This shouldn't be work, but should be natural. Character/personality A man with goals and healthy work ethic. A man she finds "interesting". A man who is kind, especially to her. A man who is dependable. A man who does what he says when he says he is going to do it, especially when it is something he promised her!! A man who shows ethical integrity A man who isn't controlling. A man who takes care of himself physically. A man who is clean and neat. Again, this isn't relationship work. This is the rest of your life outside the relationship, and everyone should strive for these qualities, in relationship or out. Yes, this is all attractive. Honesty A man who is utterly truthful to her yes, but not to the point of spewing every thought that pops into your head. A little judgment goes a long way. Relationship skills A man who can put his ego aside and listen during conflict in such a way that she feels heard. A man who gives assurances that he is committed to her during conflict and doesn't withdraw from her. A man who puts effort into making the relationship work. A man who takes initiative to work on problems in the relationship. A man willing to work on himself for the sake of the relationship. A man who isn't afraid to admit when he's made a mistake. A man who can give a sincere apology when he's messed up A man she doesn't have to spell out everything she would like him to do in the relationship. I don't need all of this. Basically, be all in, have a decent sense of humor, and fight fair. Have a decent capacity for empathy. I can handle the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
calvincline47 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Looking back over the years, and reflecting on my many mistakes and few successes, I have come up with this list of what I understand women to want in a man. Much of this knowledge I have learned the hard way! So I am certainly not saying I do this perfectly, or even well. I have in mind what women want from a man in a long term relationship, not necessarily after a few dates! For what it's worth, here it is.... Pardon the length! Love A man who loves and adores her heart. A man who is loyal to her above everyone else, including his best friends, and if it comes down to it, even his own mother, especially his own mother!! A man who sees her as his favorite person to spend time with. A man who thinks of her when they are not together and does little things to show this. A man who makes her the top priority in his life. A man who sees her on her worst days, yet sees the best in her. A man who treats her sweetly and kindly, even when she is being "difficult". Connection A man she feels comfortable and safe with. A man she feels comfortable sharing her deepest secrets with. A man who not only listens to what she says but pays attention to how she feels about what she is saying, and communicates that to her (I.e. "Hon, you seem down about that"). A man who knows what to do for her to feel heard on an emotional level. A man who is tuned into her emotionally. A man who knows how to respond to her emotions in helpful ways. A man who gives her his undivided attention when she is talking to him. A man who remembers what she says. A man who notices and remembers what she likes and doesn't like. A man who listens to her without problem solving, judging, lecturing, taking other peoples sides, and especially doesn't insinuate she is overreacting, unreasonable or "crazy". A man who notices any change in her physical appearance such as hair, make up, and clothing. A man who takes the time to get to know her on a deep level and understand her. Romance A man that romances her, even after 40 years of marriage. A man who continues to date her and treats her like he did when the relationship was new. A man who knows what to do for her to feel special. A man who knows how to plan dates. A man who gives gifts that show thought and planning, especially ones that show he knows what she likes. A man who can make her laugh. A man who is playful with her on occasion. A man who can be affectionate without the need for sex A man who is physically attracted to her. "Manly" qualities A man who is confident yet has ego in check A man who is secure, not needy or clingy. A man who doesn't take it personally when she is having her "time of the month". A man who knows how to let little things slide without getting bent out of shape. A man that can give her space when she needs it without being insecure about it. A man who doesn't get his feelings hurt easily. A man she can tease without him taking it personally. A man who treats her gently yet has backbone with her if need be (yet done lovingly) A man who has healthy boundaries who doesn't allow others to walk all over him, including her. A man who demonstrates self control. Character/personality A man with goals and healthy work ethic. A man she finds "interesting". A man who is kind, especially to her. A man who is dependable. A man who does what he says when he says he is going to do it, especially when it is something he promised her!! A man who shows ethical integrity A man who isn't controlling. A man who takes care of himself physically. A man who is clean and neat. Honesty A man who is utterly truthful to her Relationship skills A man who can put his ego aside and listen during conflict in such a way that she feels heard. A man who gives assurances that he is committed to her during conflict and doesn't withdraw from her. A man who puts effort into making the relationship work. A man who takes initiative to work on problems in the relationship. A man willing to work on himself for the sake of the relationship. A man who isn't afraid to admit when he's made a mistake. A man who can give a sincere apology when he's messed up A man she doesn't have to spell out everything she would like him to do in the relationship. It exhausted me to just read this. You have fun with that. I'll just do what I do and, if women like it, great. If not, that's fine too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) I agree 100%. Some effort is always required. I've found it's a lot less if you choose a compatible partner. "But, just like any other woman, they feel it if they don't think they are a priority, or if their guy doesn't listen carefully, give them emotional support, don't feel comfortable sharing, etc.." ^^^^And this stuff is just part of who I am, so zero effort to do that. Just my opinion, but this "no effort at all" attitude towards relationships eventually bites people in the ars. And even "go with the flow, cool chicks" like to feel special. My experience with the laid back women is that they often don't say what they really think and then it all comes to a sudden crash. They don't say anything because 1. They are super patient because they are laid back, so it takes a while for them to hit the wall, 2. They don't want to demand anything because it wouldn't mean anything anyway if the guy did it because they pushed him to do it, But, just like any other woman, they feel it if they don't think they are a priority, or if their guy doesn't listen carefully, give them emotional support, don't feel comfortable sharing, etc.. The guy is blissfully unaware that a problem exists then the "go with the flow" girl suddenly drops him or loses interest. BTW, I'm not at all saying that happened in your case! So please do not misunderstand! But I think we guys have to be aware that the laid back woman is still a woman and loves to be treated that way. Edited April 11, 2015 by loveweary11 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I never did get an answer as to whether bach has a brother....lol I don't have a list, but I know who I click with and who I don't, and I know the type of woman I am. That's a lot of the battle. If I am with a man I click with who knows and accepts the woman I am, then pretty much everything that is important to me on that list will happen if we make each other important. However, I think it is always good to take a systematic look at what we want and what we want to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 (sigh) Bachdude, the list is spot on but maybe I'm disillusioned bc I don't believe there is a man out there who comes even close to that. Totally agree! I think there needs to be a distinction too between what woman want or desire and what they expect. For some they want perfection while others like certain things but have better expectations. Maybe I should have titled the post, "What women like". I believe relationships are all about two compatible people who are continuously putting in effort to keep the connection, because they value the relationship. Relationships = effort. I've never met a couple who had it "easy," there were always ups and down, and rocky periods, but those who made it in the long run were committed to making it work...so it worked. That is my experience. Intimacy takes work, I just don't see any way around it. But it's well worth it, in my book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 ^^^^And this stuff is just part of who I am, so zero effort to do that. That's great, man! I had to learn that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I actually don't need all this from a partner and can get most of this from girlfriends. It is enough that he accepts me, but he doesn't need to understand or mirror me emotionally. Some of this would actually be a bit much, to be honest....Have a decent capacity for empathy. I can handle the rest. Thanks xxoo for taking the time for giving detailed comments. You made some great points. I am wondering, though, since you can get most under "connection" from your girlfriends, how do you and your husband maintain intimacy? Or are you fine without a lot of emotional intimacy and prefer some distance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I never did get an answer as to whether bach has a brother....lol haha Well, first thank you! I am sorry to say my brother is taken. And I'm not really sure how he feels about "the list"! haha But I appreciate it! I don't have a list, but I know who I click with and who I don't, and I know the type of woman I am. That's a lot of the battle. If I am with a man I click with who knows and accepts the woman I am, then pretty much everything that is important to me on that list will happen if we make each other important. I think a lot of things on the list do fall into place if you truly love each other and value each other. Some things, at least for me, take work and effort, especially under relationship skills and connection. I've had to learn that and it is not becoming more natural. It takes practice for me. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 haha Well, first thank you! I am sorry to say my brother is taken. And I'm not really sure how he feels about "the list"! haha But I appreciate it! I think a lot of things on the list do fall into place if you truly love each other and value each other. Some things, at least for me, take work and effort, especially under relationship skills and connection. I've had to learn that and it is not becoming more natural. It takes practice for me. I've had to learn a lot too, about speaking up, not trying to mind read, and that balance off too much too soon and too guarded. I'm a work in progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I've had to learn a lot too, about speaking up, not trying to mind read, and that balance off too much too soon and too guarded. I'm a work in progress. interesting, I can see some of this reflected in your own list you posted, which was very good BTW. I sometimes think the biggest percentage of work in a relationship is on ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Thanks xxoo for taking the time for giving detailed comments. You made some great points. I am wondering, though, since you can get most under "connection" from your girlfriends, how do you and your husband maintain intimacy? Or are you fine without a lot of emotional intimacy and prefer some distance? We have a lot of intimacy, love to talk to each other, share hopes and dreams, etc. I just realize that we are fundamentally different emotionally, and the best we can do sometimes is accept each other on that level.i don't need him to mirror back my emotions or struggle to understand my enotions if I can just talk to my sister and she gets it. I accept him by not expecting this from him, just as he accepts me as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bachdude Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 We have a lot of intimacy, love to talk to each other, share hopes and dreams, etc. I just realize that we are fundamentally different emotionally, and the best we can do sometimes is accept each other on that level.i don't need him to mirror back my emotions or struggle to understand my enotions if I can just talk to my sister and she gets it. I accept him by not expecting this from him, just as he accepts me as I am. Sounds very healthy. Did you always have this realization that you are different emotionally or did it come with some struggle? Link to post Share on other sites
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