Last remnants of xMM... confessions and clarity

[GoldieLox]

Never thought I'd be posting this in a million years.

 

Quick back story... I'm married, no kids. Had an A with a co-worker, married with kids. It was a little under a year. In this time, there was a ton of push-pull behavior, leading me to end it. We start up again, he ends it in a most hurtful way. I wasn't upset that it ended, I knew it had to and was almost relieved, but it was how it ended that killed me. The dynamics of it really aren't important I guess. The point is, since it ended a few months ago, I spent those few months feeling a lot of things. Hurt was the biggest thing, but that's because I was trying to deal with my own wrecked self-esteem and process what had happened in the past year, plus my part in potentially destroying my marriage and someone else's as well. Because I was dealing with all of this, it REALLY began to take a toll on my marriage. I put up walls, pulled away, communication broke down. Husband of course began to notice. He would ask me what was wrong, get mad and not understand why I wouldn't tell him, etc. This would further wedge us apart.

I had always toyed with the idea of telling him, but I hedged for a few reasons. One, he has had past anger issues. They are now resolved, but I really didn't want them to resurface. I was genuinely scared. Two, yes. I was terrified of him leaving. But then in the past few weeks, I kept telling myself that I needed to tell him. Why? Because it was the right thing. I knew it was going to kill him, but I knew it was going to kill him worse not knowing. I knew there was a potential he'd leave, but I made my peace with that. Did I want him to? Absolutely not. But it no longer felt right to me keeping this from him. It wasn't fair in my eyes. It was a marriage between two people, not just one person holding the cards.

 

Finally within the past week, I wrote a letter explaining everything. I feared the words wouldn't come out of my mouth, so writing was better. We got into a conversation beforehand and he said "Is what's been going on something that you think I'd leave you for?" and I bowed my head and said yes. Then he said he would never leave me no matter what, and as long as I wasn't on drugs, being physically hurt by someone, or had killed someone, he didn't want to know. He then looked at me really funny, and said, "I don't care if you were with another man or fell in love with him. I will always love you, but I don't want to know". And the letter stayed in my pocket. I didn't believe him that he'd never leave me. I mean for Christs' sake, I had a physical and slightly emotional affair with another man. At this point I felt, who WOULDN'T leave? I felt defeated, because at this point I just wanted him to know. I wanted to lay it out on the table, and say, "can we fix this?" because after all this time, I decided that my marriage absolutely was worth trying for. It took me a little while to get there, but I came to that conclusion. And I could never stand in front of him and renew my vows holding this from him. It just wasn't right.

 

I got home from work today and told him we needed to talk and I started crying and rambling. I got about halfway through the whole ordeal and stalled. He said, "Goldie, just tell me. I ALREADY KNOW". Uh... what? That's right. He's "known" for a few weeks now. He said he was about 75% sure, and with who, but he didn't want to accuse me incase he was wrong. He figured it out for several different reasons, the biggest one being my emotional behavior and the walls I put up. There were a few other reasons that I don't feel like sharing, but the point is, he knew. HE WAS WAITING FOR ME TO COME TO HIM AND TELL HIM. When he said he didn't want to know, it was a test. He said I passed because I came to him and was honest with him. He thanked me for coming to him and said he respected me 100 times more for admitting it, because if I had just gone on with our lives and not told him, he would've ended up resenting me for it and it would've been bad.

 

He's not leaving. We've decided to do MC and work through whatever issues we have. The thing that broke my heart was, he looked at me and asked me what he could've done better. I almost yelled at him. I told him this mess was my choice, my cross to bear. I said it had nothing to do with him and never will, and although it will be hard for him to believe that, he needs to. He asked me some questions, and I answered them with 100% honesty. I also looked him right in the eye and said that I will not ever be friends with xMM again. Husband said, "but what if he comes back to you and apologizes for doing what he did and hurting you?" and he did have a good point. I said, "so what? Even speaking another word to him would not be fair to you" and I absolutely believe that. There were no forms of communication between him and I, but I told Husband if he wanted to look at my phone and email, he could. I really tried to be as transparent as possible.

 

I feel like the last remnants of xMM are finally gone. I can't really explain it, but it's like some kind of clarity hit me. I always realized what I had done, and knew the severity of it, but after this, I think I just got a "holy s&%t, what have I done?" moment, like a brick hit me in the face. I no longer feel the dread in my stomach when I think about work. The only thing I have really thought about today is "how can I fix my marriage". I wish this never happened, but it did, and now it's my responsibility to fix it.

 

I just thought that after all of the support everyone has given me here, it would be nice to update everyone. I will continue to post here. The support I receive is amazing, and I hope that maybe I have helped one or two of you out, too. I'm sure I will continue to have bad days, but my hope now is that for the first time in a year, I can focus on my marriage and husband, US, and not just how crappy I'm feeling. (It was beginning to get a little absurd). Thank you all again

[jbrent890]

And this is why I emphasize being honest with your spouses. Usually it helps you, not hurt you. I'm proud of you Goldie. You have a rough road ahead, but you have started off on a good foot. I will see that you need to be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions your husband is about to go on. Some days he will be angry and some he will be happy. Ride it out and I think that both of you will get through this.

[Ronnie33]

I am proud of you Goldie.

[Josmatjes]

You are an amazing strong woman and I wish you happiness on your journey with your husband.

 

Forgive yourself because we are all human and make mistakes.

[Southern Sun]

You know what? You just started Day 1 of truly healing yourself and your marriage. It's a tough ride, but you can start focusing on the RIGHT things now.

 

It's a solemn time, but I am very happy and proud for you.

[GoldieLox]

Thank you guys. I felt I could never truly heal from this without telling him. And before we analyze how selfish that statement sounds, if I couldn't heal personally, there was no way that I could fix my marriage. Again, marriage is about two people. I need to make sure that I'm 100% in order to fix this. I know one day he's going to be okay, the next he's not. I'm prepared for it (I used to work in the psychology field, which I'm not sure if that makes this whole thing better or worse. Probably worse) and used to deal with people who dealt with infidelity issues. Obviously the addition of an outside MC will help, plus I'm in the process of finding a new IC. I'm trying my hardest.

[Hope Shimmers]

Good for you on making it to the other side with ex-MM now in your rear view mirror. It is tough to get there but you did it, and now you can focus on your marriage fully and authentically and work with your H to get through this.

[road]

You are half right. You told your BH.

 

 

Now to be full right you need to leave that job so there will be 100% NC

[GoldieLox]

You are half right. You told your BH.

 

 

Now to be full right you need to leave that job so there will be 100% NC

 

We discussed that and financially decided it would not be the best option right now. This was his decision, not mine. I had told him I had already been looking for other jobs (was even close to getting one) and if it hinged on this working or not, I would take a huge pay cut but leave. He wouldn't hear of it.

 

Believe me, neither one of us wants to speak to eachother. On the very slight chance he ever did approach me again, I'd tell him he's no longer a part of my life and he needs to respect that and politely go away. I promised my husband.

[Rainbow00]

Oh Goldie, I'm so happy and proud of you. That took a look of courage and energy to do. I felt really connected to you as we had went through similar timelines and the whole work/superior situation... I hope you'll still stick around from time to time. I know we won't be able to relate situations quite so much anymore, but I want you to know you've helped me so much and felt not alone when I felt like nobody else understood.

 

Your husband seems great, and I hope that you can now happily focus on working on your marriage and your relationship. Not everyone is as kind as your husband, and you are lucky to have him! I wish you the best on your journey - a different one than the last few months... and I'm so glad that you aren't hurting over AP anymore. I know how hard that hurt!

[AlwaysGrowing]

GL, the reason why you have had such a big turn around emotionally is because YOU now know that you are living your life with integrity, self-respect and honestly. You are correct in your conclusion that until/unless you addressed those issues....you could not give yourself honestly to your husband/marriage.

 

I also believe it gives one the opportunities to make amends for what one has done. Self incrimination is not easy....it is however an indication of strength of character.

 

Well done.....I wish you well on your life journey.

[Ifalltopieces]

I am so incredibly happy for you.

You are truly blessed with a man that honestly loves you. I hope you get all the love and happiness you have always wanted!

I hope one day I have the courage and strength to change my life the way you have changed yours....

 

Good luck

[m4p]

This is such a wonderful news to read.

 

I don't know you personally but I can feel the sincerity off all the words you have posted so far. I am so proud of you!

 

It won't be easy but I am sure you know how incredibly blessed you are with your H's reaction to this whole "mess".. really helped to put some perspectives in place. I really wish you both happiness in the road ahead..

 

Stay strong!

[the_artist_1970]

Never thought I'd be posting this in a million years.

 

Quick back story... I'm married, no kids. Had an A with a co-worker, married with kids. It was a little under a year. In this time, there was a ton of push-pull behavior, leading me to end it. We start up again, he ends it in a most hurtful way. I wasn't upset that it ended, I knew it had to and was almost relieved, but it was how it ended that killed me. The dynamics of it really aren't important I guess. The point is, since it ended a few months ago, I spent those few months feeling a lot of things. Hurt was the biggest thing, but that's because I was trying to deal with my own wrecked self-esteem and process what had happened in the past year, plus my part in potentially destroying my marriage and someone else's as well. Because I was dealing with all of this, it REALLY began to take a toll on my marriage. I put up walls, pulled away, communication broke down. Husband of course began to notice. He would ask me what was wrong, get mad and not understand why I wouldn't tell him, etc. This would further wedge us apart.

I had always toyed with the idea of telling him, but I hedged for a few reasons. One, he has had past anger issues. They are now resolved, but I really didn't want them to resurface. I was genuinely scared. Two, yes. I was terrified of him leaving. But then in the past few weeks, I kept telling myself that I needed to tell him. Why? Because it was the right thing. I knew it was going to kill him, but I knew it was going to kill him worse not knowing. I knew there was a potential he'd leave, but I made my peace with that. Did I want him to? Absolutely not. But it no longer felt right to me keeping this from him. It wasn't fair in my eyes. It was a marriage between two people, not just one person holding the cards.

 

Finally within the past week, I wrote a letter explaining everything. I feared the words wouldn't come out of my mouth, so writing was better. We got into a conversation beforehand and he said "Is what's been going on something that you think I'd leave you for?" and I bowed my head and said yes. Then he said he would never leave me no matter what, and as long as I wasn't on drugs, being physically hurt by someone, or had killed someone, he didn't want to know. He then looked at me really funny, and said, "I don't care if you were with another man or fell in love with him. I will always love you, but I don't want to know". And the letter stayed in my pocket. I didn't believe him that he'd never leave me. I mean for Christs' sake, I had a physical and slightly emotional affair with another man. At this point I felt, who WOULDN'T leave? I felt defeated, because at this point I just wanted him to know. I wanted to lay it out on the table, and say, "can we fix this?" because after all this time, I decided that my marriage absolutely was worth trying for. It took me a little while to get there, but I came to that conclusion. And I could never stand in front of him and renew my vows holding this from him. It just wasn't right.

 

I got home from work today and told him we needed to talk and I started crying and rambling. I got about halfway through the whole ordeal and stalled. He said, "Goldie, just tell me. I ALREADY KNOW". Uh... what? That's right. He's "known" for a few weeks now. He said he was about 75% sure, and with who, but he didn't want to accuse me incase he was wrong. He figured it out for several different reasons, the biggest one being my emotional behavior and the walls I put up. There were a few other reasons that I don't feel like sharing, but the point is, he knew. HE WAS WAITING FOR ME TO COME TO HIM AND TELL HIM. When he said he didn't want to know, it was a test. He said I passed because I came to him and was honest with him. He thanked me for coming to him and said he respected me 100 times more for admitting it, because if I had just gone on with our lives and not told him, he would've ended up resenting me for it and it would've been bad.

 

He's not leaving. We've decided to do MC and work through whatever issues we have. The thing that broke my heart was, he looked at me and asked me what he could've done better. I almost yelled at him. I told him this mess was my choice, my cross to bear. I said it had nothing to do with him and never will, and although it will be hard for him to believe that, he needs to. He asked me some questions, and I answered them with 100% honesty. I also looked him right in the eye and said that I will not ever be friends with xMM again. Husband said, "but what if he comes back to you and apologizes for doing what he did and hurting you?" and he did have a good point. I said, "so what? Even speaking another word to him would not be fair to you" and I absolutely believe that. There were no forms of communication between him and I, but I told Husband if he wanted to look at my phone and email, he could. I really tried to be as transparent as possible.

 

I feel like the last remnants of xMM are finally gone. I can't really explain it, but it's like some kind of clarity hit me. I always realized what I had done, and knew the severity of it, but after this, I think I just got a "holy s&%t, what have I done?" moment, like a brick hit me in the face. I no longer feel the dread in my stomach when I think about work. The only thing I have really thought about today is "how can I fix my marriage". I wish this never happened, but it did, and now it's my responsibility to fix it.

 

I just thought that after all of the support everyone has given me here, it would be nice to update everyone. I will continue to post here. The support I receive is amazing, and I hope that maybe I have helped one or two of you out, too. I'm sure I will continue to have bad days, but my hope now is that for the first time in a year, I can focus on my marriage and husband, US, and not just how crappy I'm feeling. (It was beginning to get a little absurd). Thank you all again

 

Goldie, you are an awesome woman. No wonder your DH is standing by you. He knows that you messed up really bad but he also knows that you are a beautiful woman. Take care of yourself and your M.

[Blu72]

Goldie -

 

I am so glad you are coming to peace with this. I know you will just continue to come thru to the other side. I know the process will be difficult, but you are already off to a good start. Good luck to you and you know this place is always here for you.

[Chasing_mya]

I'm so happy for you Goldie. Everything is out in the open and you have a clear conscience. I wish you and H the best today and always.

[DKT3]

I believe what you've done is the right thing to do. I glad that you understood not telling was slowly killing your marriage.

 

Now, I will warn you of a couple things. First, I'm going to be honest, there is a really good chance that he will leave. You have a huge role in this. Which leads to the second part, you first have to survive the infidelity before you can begin to R. Surviving the infidelity is for the most part on you. His decision to remain in the marriage will depend on you being open and honest with both your past and current feeling. Your willingness to deal with his emotional highs and the very painful lows. Accept that it will be a long time before your word carries much weight. Conduct yourself in a manner that allows him to feel safe in his decision to stay and that will help him rebuild both his self-esteem and trust.

 

I know it all seems to go without saying, however there will be things you've done in the past that really have/had nothing to do with the affair that you may have to suspend for a long time.

 

You WILL start to feel like your not making progress and maybe it would be easier to run. Couple that with dealing with the continued emotions for MM, that will resuface stronger from time to time, can cause you question if this is the right thing.

 

Most importantly, don't look for the finish line, just look at the next step this is a 10,000k run not a 100m dash.

 

Good luck, and please do hang around. Your husband will confuse you with his emotions and his rage(which will come) people here have been there and can help.

[whichwayisup]

You've been blessed with a fantastic husband who deeply loves you and has a huge forgiving and understanding heart. He's a real gem, so do everything you can from now on to reconnect with him and be grateful for this chance to fix yourself, affair proof your marriage and start over with a clean slate.

 

He respected your openness and honesty which is HUGE in recovery.

 

Good luck and I wish you both the best.

[Hope Shimmers]

You've been blessed with a fantastic husband who deeply loves you and has a huge forgiving and understanding heart. He's a real gem, so do everything you can from now on to reconnect with him and be grateful for this chance to fix yourself, affair proof your marriage and start over with a clean slate.

 

He respected your openness and honesty which is HUGE in recovery.

 

Good luck and I wish you both the best.

 

I also think the fact that you thought it through and confessed and took all responsibility for your actions is HUGE. Much, much better than if he had found out himself or if you would have slipped and told him but then started blame-shifting, etc. In those cases I can see where he might leave (and I would too in that situation), but you are starting in a much better place. Good luck!

[Bittersweetie]

Goldie, it was so nice to read your story. I've been where you are. It isn't an easy road moving forward, but with true change and introspection it is worth it. I am in such a better, healthier place, and so it my marriage, from six years ago. That is the result of both mine and my husband's hard work.

 

Take it one day at a time, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[GoldieLox]

Thank you guys again. Having your support is wonderful. We had another long talk about it last night before bed and I brought up leaving my job again, just in case he had second thoughts. I wanted him to know I'd leave if he wanted me to. He legitimately looked at me like I was crazy. He knows I love my job normally and that it pays well. His attitude is that he doesn't want to disrupt things more than they have been and he wants to work thru everything and move on.

 

Per DKT's post, we also talked on our lunch breaks today. I asked him if he thought he'd ever change his mind about leaving. He said the only way he'd ever leave was if I continued to withold this from him and I continued to let it destroy out marriage, because THAT was more selfish than what I had done. By confessing it, I had begun to show him I was attempting to change my selfish ways, and as long as I continued on that path and continued to be open with him, he'd stay forever.

Edited April 10, 2015 by GoldieLox

[Hope Shimmers]

By confessing it, I had begun to show him I was attempting to change my selfish ways, and as long as I continued on that path and continued to be open with him, he'd stay forever.

 

^^^ This ^^^ makes ALL the difference.