new here..long but i really, really, really need the advice..please read

[scootermojo]

This is a "Lifetime" movie but here it goes...

 

I used to be really good friends with a buddy of mine. In fact, he was one of my better friends that I have had in my life. We shared a lot of common interests, played in a local band together and even lived together for a few years before he moved back home to his parent’s house.

 

After he moved back home, we and a few others went out one night to have a few drinky drinks at a local bar and he met a girl at the bar that night who was from his neck of the woods. Truth be told, she was a rather attractive girl, WAY out of his league, to be honest, for he hardly dated often.

 

Naturally he disappeared into her world, as most men do, when I got a call out of the blue, after not hearing from him for a few months that he was moving away with her. A handful of mutual friends of ours met him and his girlfriend and it turned into a nightmare for, and I never knew this until that night, that she was not a well liked person from where both he and her are from. She had friends, mind you, but both mine and his friends considered her to be manipulative, cheating, arrogant, and dishonest, had a “reputation” and generally was not a well liked person. Since I did not grow up with any of these people I remained neutral and also chalked it up to childish high school jealousies that managed to somehow survive through the years.

 

They never actually moved away but a few months later he got her pregnant and they eventually married. Several years had passed without me seeing or talking to him and every time his name came up in conversation with mutual friends, whom he had no contact with either, they would all say the same thing in that what a huge mistake he made marrying and having a child with her and how he ruined his life by doing so. As always, I took no side for whatever bad feelings that where harbored towards her I had nothing to do with nor did I know.

 

Finally, last summer I had run into him and we became friends again although he had changed much to my dismay. I had changed as well but his was clearly the case for the worse. He had let himself go physically, got fired from the really good job he had and had no desire to seek employment for he had not worked in over a year and his house was in a total state of disarray. Though different than before, we remained friends and communicated every now and then but I actually starting talking to his wife as well and we became friends, too. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

 

During the first few times that I was over my friend’s house it was apparent that all was not good in their marriage. On weekends I would stay at his house sometimes until 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning and she would still be out with her friends and some of their interactions, though not necessarily argumentative, were not in the vain of two people who are in love.

 

One day, out of the blue, she called me asking me if something on her porch was mine and we ended up talking to each other for over two hours. Sensing that she was not happily married I asked her point blank and she told me as much. She said she was disappointed in how he quit on himself and her and seemed not to have any intention of bettering himself. Since I had lived with him just as long as she had and known him for even longer I gave her some advice and innocently enough told her that if she was not really happy than it’s not too late to do something about it. I told her she was a smart girl and pretty girl, which she is, and that she can change anything she wants if she’s not happy and she’s willing to. Again, it was all innocent advice designed to be helpful and I respected the concerns she had of her situation.

 

We began to exchange emails with one another, offering advice on each others personal lives and just chatting, began talking on the phone occasionally all behind his back for fear of what he might say until one night, after a few previous invitations by her to join her out with her friends I did. We hung out after the bar closed that night and eventually kissed but that was it. After a few days of trying to figure out what happened and to make sense of it all we hung out again for we got along extremely well, enjoyed each others company and were obviously attracted to one another and we began to have an affair for two months behind my friends back.

 

She admitted that I was not the first person she had an affair with which I had originally suspected but I was fine with for I honestly did not blame her for how things seemed on the outside of her marriage.

 

I will have to admit that before we began seeing each other I had not dated anyone in quite sometime but I did know right from wrong and it just seemed that we clicked and everything felt so right despite the reality of the situation. She seemed to be everything I ever wanted in a girl, intelligent and articulate, beautiful, funny…everything! In no way, shape or form did she resemble the girl that all of my friends had made her out to be. In fact, she was the exact opposite!

 

After a month, she got fired from her job because her husband would continuously make her late for work everyday for she counted on him for a ride since she did not have a car since he wrecked their last two cars and she couldn’t drive his current car because it was a stick shift. The same day she got fired she told me she loved me which was a shock to say the least but was cathartic for I had already known that I was in love with her for about a week. We would see each other almost everyday and when we weren’t together we would spend hours upon hours either on the phone or sending some of the most beautiful and romantic emails one could ever read to each other.

 

Since she was the soul supporter of her entire family and had no immediate family to speak of as neither did he, they quickly became financially strapped on several levels. The mortgage, water and gas was in his name and he had not paid it since he last had a job and they each got shut off and the house was eventually listed as being foreclosed on. As the days of her unemployment turned into weeks (she did not qualify for unemployment) I began to give her some money to get by for some of her utilities, food for both her and her child and even gave money to her to give to him for gas so he could take her to job interviews. The foreclosure problem was taken care of by himself although it was only postponed until much later.

 

One night, she had finally decided that she had enough for her future did not look so bright to her and she was actually threatening suicide. While I was talking to her on the phone trying to ease her mind I could hear her husband, my friend, screaming at her which was a common occurrence from the time I first started talking to her on the phone. Since I was worried for her safety and because I loved her, I drove over to her house and that’s when my friend found out about us. Needless to say, we haven’t spoke since and, to be honest, I really don’t blame him nor do I blame him for being mad at me or feeling betrayed by me.

 

We still continued to see each other and since the “cat was out of the bag”, so to speak, she also started to stay at my place more frequently and we actually made some serious plans of moving in together after the new year.

 

Eventually she found a job and everything between us seemed to be on the up and up until she finished her training and got a raise and started to become less financially dependent on me. It was during this time that she said she had received a few phone calls from another guy she had seen right before me but she swore she never called him back. However, I discovered that she had been talking to him and when I hacked into her email I found emails from him, plus pictures and I even found a voice mail on her phone from him that at the end of it he stated that he loved her! When confronted with this she denied everything until confronted with the evidence for which she then turned it into why was I spying on her? She eventually apologized and said that it was all innocent and that it didn’t matter for he was in the Army and stationed far away which is true. She also said that she has never said she loved him nor has she with anyone else she has strayed outside of her marriage with and that “she just can’t help it, guys just fall in love with me.”

 

We still stayed together but we began fighting a little more often. Her situation at home turned for the worse between her and her husband so she basically began to stay with me almost every night. One night we got into a fight and we didn’t talk for three or four days. We had made up, she originally told me she stayed at her friends house but she eventually told me that she had actually been staying at her friends brothers house whom she used to date before she was married and who she had dated for a month earlier in the year. She swore up and down that she did not sleep with him but I am neither that gullible nor stupid for she originally said she did not sleep in his bed and then changed her story and said she only slept in his bed two of the days. Needless to say, I was extremely upset but because I truly loved her I relented and swallowed my pride which is not something that I practice often and continued to see her.

 

I continued to date her until we got into a huge fight on New Years Eve and we broke up that night. She called me the next day saying that she hopes to work things out and although I was extremely angry with her I said I wanted as much, too. We did not see each other for a couple of days but we spoke on the phone a couple of times but I found out that when we were not together she was actually seeing her friend brother, the guy she had stayed with in early December! She denied everything but I saw in her emails that they were seeing each other and at the end of each others emails was either “Love or Yours (name withheld for obvious reasons)”. Of course she said everything was just innocent interaction betweem one another and that it was all just friendly in nature for they have been friends since they were teenagers but she did apologize which led me to believe that if she didn’t do anything wrong then why was she apologizing?

 

We “sort of “ continued to see each other for two more months but the trust issue I had with her was something that I could not get over and things ended badly between us with nasty words, accusations and the like from both sides.

 

I feel like I was used and that she is exactly what everyone said she was/is. I feel like when I opened up to her she studied every word I said and every email I sent to her opening my heart and used it for her own gain and said exactly what I wanted to hear to ensure I would not leave her when she was in dire straits. I feel as though I was just someone to depend financially and psychologically and she never really cared or loved me at all for it seems as though she had done this before although not to the extreme that she did with me which makes it all the more worse. There was even one time when we got into a fight when she wasn’t working and I said that I just couldn’t do this anymore and she started to cry and exclaimed, “Why does everyone leave me?” She is completely the opposite now. She even has a different opinion of her husband now and he hasn’t changed the least. All of a sudden she considers him to be “father of the year” where before she couldn’t stand him often elucidated on what a loser and waste of life he was. She has even gone as far as to say what a jerk I was for coming into her house that day when she was threatening to kill herself and I “took” her out of that house from her husband when, in reality, she bestowed endless adulation upon me for doing that at the time it happened and she bragged to her friends about it for weeks on afterward.

 

When we last spoke civilly before we broke up, she was in the process of getting a car and she was also looking for an apartment since her house is up for sheriff sale at the end of this month as I stated above about her husband postponing it until now. We did not speak for a month but I called her because I was concerned how she was doing with those two things. It was all just out of concern, she was an important part of me and my life once and had nothing to do with getting back together with her for I consider her to be dishonest, manipulative, and dirty and someone not to be trusted. I was completely nice to her and she still continued to be mean and evil towards me which has now really left a foul taste in my mouth even more so than before.

 

Here’s where I need the advice: I could really get back at her. I have a chance to really screw her over and definitely get her fired from her job which would make her life a living hell. Should I do it or should I just forget about? I’m not afraid to say that it would be nice to get revenge on her and it would be nice to show her that what goes around comes around and that she messed with the wrong person this time.

 

So, what do you guys think? Should I or shouldn’t I?

[GirlDown]

if you were "used" it's your fault. you walked right into this.

 

you knew the difference between right and wrong...great, that's a start. but you ignored it and screwed your friends wife.

 

in my opinion, i don't feel you should take revenge on her. you reap what you sow, and you are no better than she is.

 

you're not exactly a victim.

 

maybe this was meant as a lesson to teach you to get your own women.

hope it was worth it.

[scootermojo]

yeah, you're right, i did walk right into this but she led me to believe that she was something she was clearly not but i still see your point. however, i am better that she is for i would never lead someone on pretending i was something different and i would never use someone.

 

i know i'm not innocent but what she did was pure evil just as i'll admit what i did to my friend was, as well. however, it was not my intention where as it seems it was hers from the beginning.

 

as far as getting my own women goes...i know what you mean but i think it should be noted that she is nobody's girl and drifts from guy to guy and i think she is even with someone now other than her husband. matter of fact, i'm almost positive she is for that's her MO.

 

it wasn't worth losing my friend over but other thing were worth it like the feeling of being connected to someone, sharing thoughts, feelings wether they were valid or not on her end but at the time it was incredible.

 

i'm still comtemplating revenge for i really, really, really hate her but i probably won't because of the kid who never had a choice in the matter and he would suffer the most because the father is never going to ever work again. it just all seems what type of mood i'm in when i think about the whole thing. two days ago i was definitely going to get her canned but i've debating it ever since and more than likely i'm not going to. i will admit, it would be nice to see her deceptive, manipulative, lying, whoring self fall flat on her face.

 

thanks for the reply

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by scootermojo

yeah, you're right, i did walk right into this but she led me to believe that she was something she was clearly not but i still see your point. however, i am better that she is for i would never lead someone on pretending i was something different and i would never use someone.

 

i know i'm not innocent but what she did was pure evil just as i'll admit what i did to my friend was, as well.

 

 

 

 

 

i will admit, it would be nice to see her deceptive, manipulative, lying, whoring self fall flat on her face.

 

 

those first two statements conflict a whooooooooooooole lot.

 

as for the third, i have a feeling this trash will get hers, and you won't need to be the one who makes it happen.

[scootermojo]

i'm assuming you mean the "i walked right into this" and "she led me to believe that she was something she was not" statements as conflicting?

 

maybe i should clarify what i mean even though either way i look wrong for pursuing the matter regardless and rightly so, i guess.

 

what she did was study everything i said and emailed to her before anything happened and acted a certain way in order to lure me in. she acted the part of being everything i wanted in another girl, another person, and that's how she led me on and led me to believe she was something she is clearly not.

 

however, i recognize i did walk right into this because i did know she was married, married to my friend on top of it and i probably shouldn't have even been talking to her in the first place but i was just being nice, friendly and helpful. i allowed her to lure me in more in more and it's hard to stop those feelings of considering her to be the one even when knowing "right from wrong". i would like to make it clear that although this was many would consider inappropiate i had nothing but the best intentions in that i did not consider this some sort of sexual conquest or fling but something much, much, much more than that...true love that would last a lifetime which she pledged to me, as well, but she obviously used that to her advantage over me. yes, i will admit that i was foolish on this one but when you lived life in my shoes you would understand. obviously you wouldn't understand that since you don't know me but i do appreciate your outside opinion which is why i posted this.

 

i should also mention that i subscribe to the theory that you can't help who you fall in love with which a number of people have also told me concerning this situation when i first sought advice when things began to heat up.

 

as far as that trash getting hers goes...i don't honestly think she will. she seems quite fine, seems to have nothing but an upside to look forward to, thanks to me for i helped her in getting this job, has seemed to have already moved on proving that i was nothing in her eyes when i worshiped the ground she walked on which angers me beyond description. that and only that is why i'm still contemplating revenge.

[whichwayisup]

So, what do you guys think? Should I or shouldn’t I?

 

Don't bother. Let her go. You knew her reputation all along but hadn't exactly experienced it yourself...She's conceited, a user and just not worth the effort to screw her over.

 

Remember...You screw her over, you screw over her CHILD...Is it worth it?

 

You did not mention once about their child!!! Did she decide not to have it? Did something happen? Or is this poor child now with his father. I hope so because she seems to be not MOM material from what you've said in your posts.

 

I think you should be more angry with yourself for allowing this woman to take TOTAL advantage of you. Breakup, get back together again...She's unstable and you even supported her fiancially??

 

Seek therapy for the anger, have your closure and move on.

[scootermojo]

i thought it would be assumed that she did have the child a few years ago. he was two when i came into the picture.

 

yes, the child is with his father but there's one thing...they are still together through all of this and her affairs before hand. he doesn't work at all and basically sits at home all day while she works. she really harldy sees him. she doesn't see him in the morning before she goes to work, if she even stayed their the night before which is not really common, and when she comes home she sees him for maybe an hour or two before she goes out. all in all, she might stay in maybe one, two nights at the most, during the week. other then when she was seeing me this was not her behaviour when i was involved. even though they live together when the child is hurt or scared it's the father the he runs to, not her, which is quite odd since it's usually the opposite. a clear barometer of her characteristics as a mother.

 

they are supposed to split up but he's so lazy that i don't know if they actually can for he has no place to live and is basically sponging off of her although because of the house they do have to find a new place to live.

 

yeah, it is because of the child that i am 90% sure i won't get her fired but because of her arrogance and what she did to me, to take total advantage of every part of me, that's why i'm still contemplating it. it's not like she couldn't get another job for she's intelligent enough, it's that she wouldn't get one as good and well paying as this one and the timing of it would be perfect considering her looking for a new place and a car. it would be so nice just to teach her whoring ass a lesson. besides, it's not like he can't get a job, either.

 

i'm really pissed. yes, at myself but her, too. counseling is not working because this is the one true time that i know i can get revenge on someone who did me wrong and, believe me, there has been enough instances of people doing me wrong especially against someone like her who sees no wrong in what she does and is just living on as if nothing ever happened or i never counted. that would be closure to me.

 

did i mention that she alienated me from my mother by calling her during one of our last arguments and telling her lies about me?

 

still don't know what to do, yet, but the more and more i type this the more and more i'm considering it so i'll stop now.

 

by the way, i see the two who responded to this are female and their response, valid, appreciated and seriously taken into consideration, is quite predictable even though i know they are truly right but it would be so nice to just "get back" at her. however, i'm wondering what any guys would think and what they would do?

[Craig]

You knew, or should have known (based on stories you had heard) what kind of a person you were getting involved with. You chose to establish a relationship with your friends wife, ignoring their marriage and her reputation. A reputation that precedes her by some distance.

 

For the sake of argument I'll take your word that you have no control over who you fall in love with. However, you always have a choice with what you do about that feeling of love.

 

The foundation of lasting love is built upon a good and true foundation, much like a house built to last. Your relationship with your friends wife did not have a good and true foundation and was destined to self destruct.

 

The child will suffer whether you exact your revenge upon this woman or not. The woman, also, will suffer and without your intervention.

 

IMHO your best course of action is to have absolutely nothing to do with this woman, do not seek revenge, get honest with your counselling and when you can be sincere, apologize to your friend and everyone else that you have hurt.

[scootermojo]

thanks for the reply, craig.

 

i beg to differ with your argument that i should have known who i was getting involved with. first, i don't let people's opinions of others decide and develop my opinion of said third person. yes, probably more so than not, especially if there is a number of people who hold a negative opinion of someone they are more than likely right and what is said is true. however, i have never found the practice of letting someone else influence my opinion of others healthy nor do i recommend such practice. i like to find out and decide for myself.

 

second, her reputation was seemingly an unfair label from how she acted in the beginning. she was a completely different person who i feel would have fooled anyone which i'm sure she has done with everyone and will continue to do so.

 

however, you are right about my decision to get involved with her. never should have happened looking back on it now but there are instances where true love is found out of inappropriate circumstances. to draw a crude analogy, look the actor paul newman and his wife, married for close to or over 50 years...a love born out of infidelity and inappropiate behaviour. i'm quite sure there countless others who have experienced this and found their soul-mate, too. highly unlikely, usually destructive and not healthy for all involved, yes, but still possible. that's where my mind was for she acted her part with award winning ability.

 

i had known him for years and even lived with him so it all made complete sense. he was and still is a slob and lazy (i'm not being mean but truthful), didn't care about anything except watching tv and playing playstation, didn't clean or do anything around the house. she was hard working who had desires and ambitions although they are actually completely different then what she led on so it's easy to see why i became involved with her when she started manipulating herself to be exactly what i wanted in order for her to get by and do whatever it is that she does.

 

i'm not defending my actions but giving you an idea of where i was coming from and what i was thinking and feeling at the time and that it just made sense and "felt right".

 

truth be told, it doesn't seem like she will suffer...i don't know, i just wish she would get a taste of her own medicine instead of her just laughing her way through life, walking over whoever she comes into contact with and enjoying herself.

 

btw, i did apologize to my friend for we did have a brief and short conversation once in january because of her and this whole love triangle. i was sincere and do feel sorry for what i did to him and i always had that thought in the back of my mind ever since the beginning of this whole fiasco. truth be told, though, if she would have been everything she portrayed herself to be in beginning and we were destined to live life "happily ever after", i would not have called off the relationship even though that still wouldn't have changed my regret at betraying and hurting my friend.

 

thanks for the replies, guys...keep 'em coming for it's both cathartic and therapeutic in this trying time and is helping me to make sense out of all of this.

[PattyCakes]

Here’s where I need the advice: I could really get back at her. I have a chance to really screw her over and definitely get her fired from her job which would make her life a living hell. Should I do it or should I just forget about? I’m not afraid to say that it would be nice to get revenge on her and it would be nice to show her that what goes around comes around and that she messed with the wrong person this time.

 

So, what do you guys think? Should I or shouldn’t I?

 

 

 

Right up until this paragraph , you sounded, so be it a little used, but intelligent. Why do you care enough to get even. Get a life away from this woman, that is get even enough.

[newbee]

i know you are angry but you really have contradicted yourself alot in these posts. you said first of all that when you saw your friend again he had changed alot, "changed for the worse", by letting himself go and losing his job. now you say he has always been a lazy slob.

also this guy has been with this horrible manipulative woman AND is full time looking after the child he had with her, i think you might have a bit more compassion for him and consider that he might actually be a bit depressed which is why he maybe lost his job, let himself go. he got f***t over by this woman a lot more than you did. this guy is not lazy if he is full time caring for a 2 year old is he? its just a reversal of roles is all.

i really think you might get more compassion and sympathy in your responses if you showed a little more yourself towards other people inc this womans husband.

i think you are really directing all the anger that you feel with yourself towards her and that is what you need to deal with. i am not saying anger at her is not justified nor am i saying that you should be angry at yourself for you made a mistake, i am suggesting however that you likely DO feel anger at yourself because i think this is the case. you think that by getting this woman back you will disperse all the anger you feel inside but it whilst that may happen you will feel no better for the anger inside you that you actually harbour against yourself will turn into feelings of guilt or depression.

i think you would do far better to accept that you made a mistake and think about how to make up for it. you probably feel guilty about this womans husband but are justifying it by thinking of him as a slob etc. just think if you ruin her job not only she suffers but her husband suffers even more and so does the child.

think about apologising to this guy and forgive yourself for your mistake. then move on.

[GirlDown]

i think your problem is that you're looking for people here to say "go for it, get that bytch, give her what she deserves!"

 

you're not going to find that here. maybe you feel wronged, but you've done your fair share of wronging, so your hurt feelings kind of get canceled out.

 

did you ever consider that the top priority is not you? maybe it should be her child. maybe it should be her husband, who had no idea what he was getting into.

 

did you ever consider why he's so lazy and as you say, "a slob"? you said he wasn't always like this, that his appearance started to dwindle after he was with her. this is a huge sign of depression, and he could be very depressed, considering the woman he thought loved him turned out to be a manipulative bytch. maybe he's depressed because not only is his wife treating him badly, but someone who is supposed to be his friend started screwing her.

 

point blank, you shouldn't be worried about the appearance and habits of your friend. all your rights to concern for him are null and void due to your selfish behaviour. you shouldn't be concerned about getting revenge on her, that's selfish and immature, and you've engaged in enough of that behaviour.

 

you should stop worrying about both the woman you screwed, and the "friend" you screwed over. focus your attention and effort on yourself, and how to do things differently next time, epsecially in regard to other people's feelings and lives.

 

good luck.

[cheatersrsad]

You have been given some good advice; focus on yourself and not her. Revenge seems like a filling action, but in this case, as others have pointed out, you did your share. Count yourself lucky for getting out of this "whole" unlike her husband who it does sound like is depressed and certainly hurt by all of this.