The never ending story....need support today

[KismetGirl]

Those on here have known my story for many years....hard to catch you up so apologies. In brief have had an off and on again A with my MM for nearly a decade now give or take. I didn't see or talk to him for the last three years until just recently when he tracked me down out of no where from halfway around the world. I have been living overseas the last few years for work and just came home for a few months on a temporary assignment and reconnected with him while I was here--- initially just emotionally but obviously eventually physically.

 

I've been through a lot the last year and a half....multiple deaths of people close to me, including the suicide of one of my best friends, and family members battling cancer and work stress and failed relationships. It's been hard for me. I've gotten very depressed. So no wonder when MM reappeared I felt drawn to him again-- wanted comfort and that feeling of knowing someone who cares about you for a long time.

 

After all these years he can finally admit he's not in love with his wife and would leave her immediately , except for his children. He has tried to work on his marriage the last few years I suppose-- going to therapy, trying to work on their sex life at home (he's very honest with me about this, for better or worse...), etc (which resulted in yet another child this year being born that was not planned). But after all this time all he's learned from therapy is that he has to "put up" with being married in order to maintain his family life. He feels he cant be the same father he is now and as involved in their lives as he is now if he can't live with his children. It's literally the biggest reason he stays aside from the emotional and financial turmoils associated with divorce. When I asked what he'd do if he found his wife cheating he said he'd be relieved. Today when I spoke to him and asked him if he doesn't feel sad feeling a void in his personal life he said that he does but that he can't see how putting his needs/wants (read: being in a happier relationship with me than his wife) putting those wants first will work. He said his personal happiness can't be put ahead of his children. He said he's thought about it constantly-- imagined living apart from them and the thought of now waking up and seeing his kids in the morning or before they go to bed kills him.

 

I'm leavng the country again this weekend for at least half a year (ill probably come back home in about six months for a family event going on). I accepted a extension of my overseas contract for another year so other than a few weeks in the fall I'll be overseas the next year. I'm looking forward to being away. Trying to date. Live healthy. Try to be happy.

 

But I can't get MM out of my mind no matter what I do. Since we have reconnected it's been intense. It breaks my heart knowing how much he cares for me, knowing how he wants to be with me but there's nothing we can do.....listen. It's not easy to leave a marriage and four young children. it's just not. I know people on here tend to say "well he can just go get divorced" but lets be honest, its not so easy. He is VERY involved in his children's lives (all the usual activities).

 

But this has all been discussed in my story on here ad nauseum.

 

I saw him today for the first time in two months. Spent the whole evening with him. Had dinner. Made love. He joked that he's moved into practically a roommate sense of existence with his wife (eg- he hasnt had sex with anyone but me since we reconnected). I tell myself to just shut up and not say anything since Im leaving again this weekend and to just push through the pain. That I'll be gone another half a year and I'll just have to wait until it gets easier again and I dont think about him so much like I do now. But sometimes it feels like he'll never leave my head. Like I'll never meet anyone who I connect with as well. I've had other boyfriends over the last ten years-- some who I really thought I loved. But no one has ever connected with me like MM. Everything about our interactions is perfection-- even the bad parts. He is a decade older than when I met him. He's put on a few pounds. He had a health issue lately (temporary, we hope) that affected some of his confidence in his physical appearance and still....when I look at him all I see is this amazingly sexy, kind, intelligent, funny guy who is passionate about his job, loves his kids, and despite cheating on his wife is fiercely commited to the perpetuation of his family unit, which I guess is admirable in some ways as some guys would have just left already.

 

I don't know. I'm not trying to defend him. He's made lots of bad choices. He should have left his wife ten years ago when he realised they weren't a good match. But maybe he was meant to have all those children. But I don't know how to move on. I'm at a loss.

 

I assume when/if I meet someone new it would be easier, but lately that seems a dim option.

 

I'm not even sure why I am writing anymore....I am hurting. i am in pain. All these horrible things that have happened in my life lately and all i want is to feel some sense of peace and the only time I feel that is when he is hugging me like he did today. When he kisses me and makes love to me like he did today.

 

Tomorrow I will see him in the morning to say goodbye before I leave the country again for many months and I will cry. I guess I'm just looking for kind words of support maybe. I don't even know anymore. I wish I knew how to convince him that divorced families can still be happy, but I don't want to be the bad guy either. It has always seemed a cruel joke to keep putting him in front of my face and make him be this perfect for me yet so unattainable. So unfair.

[minimariah]

1. get him some books about birth control & family planning, tell him about the wonders of vasectomy.

2. you can live without him, you just don't want to. why? go IC.

3. he isn't staying ONLY for the children... you know it, he knows it, Jesus knows it. everydamnbody knows it.

4. he isn't leaving his home for another AT LEAST 15 years & i bet my left kidney you'll spend that time waiting for him.

 

i mean... a decade?

took this man a decade to admit that he doesn't love his W (while having an A wih another woman that entire time)? he is staying only for the children but he keeps making them (OF COURSE, they're unplanned. let me guess... her birth control pills failed to work?) and digging himself even deeper? cakeeats, emotionally unstable & weakwilled character?

 

can you remind me again what's so attractive about this "man"?

 

stop trying to convince him that divorce is the right choice and start trying to convince yourself that you don't really need him in your life to be happy.

[minimariah]

It's not easy to leave a marriage and four young children. it's just not. I know people on here tend to say "well he can just go get divorced" but lets be honest, its not so easy. He is VERY involved in his children's lives (all the usual activities).

 

you know what IS easy? getting a vasectomy and stop bringing children into a marriage you want to leave. also, i bet my left eye that each and every one of his children were PLANNED and the last one was supposed to be a fresh, new start and save the marriage. child #5 is on the way.

[Josmatjes]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you need a new perspective though. He can't stay where he is and still expect you to wait for him. You just can't do that to yourself it's not healthy. He needs to make a choice and you need to tell him this. Then go away and give him these few months to think about it and get his act together.

 

If you can't do this than you need to walk away. He just had a BABY with his wife. This has to tell you something.

[Josmatjes]

Also, let's just say that he does leave..... Okay, he still has four kids to support plus alimony payments, plus he would have partial custody I'm sure, so you would be sharing him, again, and youd probably be raising them too and those kids would hate you. You better believe it! And things would not be as great when you were together because he would have a whole new set of worries. That's a lot of baggage for you.

 

I think you sound like a nice person and I'm sure you meet people all the time. Give someone a chance....

[trolloperative]

I won't say if he cared about you be would leave his wife. I will say if he cared about you he would leave YOU alone.

[velvette]

It may not be easy to leave, but if he wanted to it would not be that hard.

 

 

My H left 4 children to be with me.

 

 

He had way more quality time with them after he left his M. He is very close to his kids and always has been.

 

 

The kids are all very successful adults now with healthy relationships of their own and we are still close to them.

 

 

Your MM does not see you as wife/step mother material and why would he when you have been content to be the OW for ten years.

 

 

I don't say that to hurt you, but you need to face the facts. He is not leaving because he doesn't want to, not because of his kids.

 

 

Kids are with you for 18 years at most. A partner is with you for a lifetime if you want. My husband and I have already been together three times as long as he would have been with his kids if he stayed.

 

 

And, your MM keeps having kids he "cant leave" all while professing not to love his wife. It doesn't add up.

 

 

You need to see him for what he is....a cakeeater and find better for yourself.

 

 

The only way to do that is to tell him you wont be the OW anymore and go NC. If that jolts him into action fine. But, otherwise you will free yourself up to eventually move on and find a relationship that gives you what you want.

[KismetGirl]

It may not be easy to leave, but if he wanted to it would not be that hard.

 

 

My H left 4 children to be with me.

 

 

He had way more quality time with them after he left his M. He is very close to his kids and always has been.

 

 

The kids are all very successful adults now with healthy relationships of their own and we are still close to them.

 

 

Your MM does not see you as wife/step mother material and why would he when you have been content to be the OW for ten years.

 

 

I don't say that to hurt you, but you need to face the facts. He is not leaving because he doesn't want to, not because of his kids.

 

 

Kids are with you for 18 years at most. A partner is with you for a lifetime if you want. My husband and I have already been together three times as long as he would have been with his kids if he stayed.

 

 

And, your MM keeps having kids he "cant leave" all while professing not to love his wife. It doesn't add up.

 

 

You need to see him for what he is....a cakeeater and find better for yourself.

 

 

The only way to do that is to tell him you wont be the OW anymore and go NC. If that jolts him into action fine. But, otherwise you will free yourself up to eventually move on and find a relationship that gives you what you want.

 

I hear what you are saying but I think your case is not necessarily representative of the majority. For I have also seen a ton of men write on other boards here how they want to leave but dont because of the kids.

 

Im not sure it has anything to do with him seeing me as a potential stepmother. If anything it has more to do with the fact that I move around a lot right now (as I said ive been overseas the last 4 years and I havent seen him in 3.5 years....so I havent been the OW for ten years straight, its just been on and off again for ten years)

 

Ive never actually told him I want him to leave to be honest. I've always wondered what he'd say if I said "I'll come back to this country for good if you would be with me".

 

I guess I'm scared to say such a thing so often I just enjoy our time together and say nothing.

 

He's often asked why I bother with him when I could get anyone I want and I'm such a good catch and blah blah. I know he gets jealous when I date other people but I also know he wants me to be happy and if I found someone else he would be happy for me.

 

He has tried to end things with me in the past, for various reasons-- guilt, or whatever. We find each other again always anyway.

 

Someone above said maybe this most recent baby was an attempt to save the marriage-- I don't think it was. I do know they were trying to save their sex life by going to therapy-- his wife was trying to be more open to what he wanted in that area but I suppose at the end of the day they are just not romantically compatible. Either way, yes, he should have been more careful but she got pregnant again and it is what it is. I know that neither of them wanted or planned for another baby right now-- if they did they'd be insane because this is probably the worst their marriage has been. I've seen and heard how she talks to him now. The hate she has in her voice, the distrust (not that I blame her , mind you-- if I was her I would be distrusting of my husband as well and always suspicious of what he's doing.) But they are definitely not in a healthy relationship and it has deteriorated.

 

Now, I will say they are great parents together. They have a happy family on the outside. Their kids are happy. But their relationship as husand and wife seems, to me, from what I see....not so good. But hey, what do I know, I'm not in the house right?

 

All I know is that I know him very well, that I've known him a decade, and that he's steadily gotten unhappier. He's gotten more complacent as time has gone. he's convinced himself that being the provider and keeping his family a unit is more important than his individual wants and needs romantically. So he stays.

 

I wish he knew your husband's story so he could see that divorce is not the end of your relationship with your children, however, he does not see it that way. He is terrified if he got divorced he would A) become a part-time father (I'm not sure what your husband's relationship was like with his kids, but my MM has a great relationship with his kids, all of whom are young, and he is very involved in their daily lives and thinks not being there for them morning and night as he is now would be horrible. And maybe it would be for him. Maybe he'd get used to it but maybe he wouldnt. I dont know.)

 

and B) i dont think he could afford divorce. He can barely pay his mortgage as is and his wife doesnt work.

 

and C) I am not settled in one place. It's hard to imagine risking tearing your family apart for someone when Im sure he looks at me and wonders if I'll even be around. I certainly won't be here the next year except a few weeks.

 

Maybe I can be honest with him and say what I feel, but I'm a bit scared to do so. Don't know why. Maybe if I decide to come back to this country after next year when my new contract is over and I'm still single I can approach it then.

 

Or I can tell him how I feel now and say that if I am single in a year from now and he wants to try we can.

 

Please believe I will not sit around waiting for him. I don't know why people think that....in the last ten years I have had at least three long-term relationships with other men that I loved, and I did NOT cheat on them. It has not been a ten-year long monogamous affair with MM, at all. I just don't meet people that make me feel that way very often, and certainly looking back not even my boyfriends were quite like him in that sense.

 

Anyway I wasn't really trying to argue the merits of him staying or why he cant seem to wrap his head around divorce, but please believe me when I say I know him better than all of you guys and I know he wants a divorce from his wife, he just doesnt want a divorce from his kids and in his mind (whether it is a legitimate fear or not, this is how he feels right now), he is terrified of being a part-time father. I'm not saying this is a legitimate fear, but it is a real one for him right now and always has been. They havent had any other kids in over 7 years-- this most recent was most definitely an accident that happened during the process of them trying to repair their failing romantic relationship, which has not been fixed, obviously, since he tracked me down after almost 4 years of not speaking to me, from halfway around the world, just to tell me he missed me when he knew I wasn't even in the same country as him, and so there was no way he thought he'd even see me by saying hi. It was just by some strange coincidence that when he contacted me I happened to be home for a few weeks on an assignment.

 

I just don't know what to do to forget about him lately. You'd think after all this time and torture and anguish I'd just forget and it's hard. I wish I had the balls to just tell him how I really feel, how I want him to leave, but I have never told him that. For some reason he seems to think I'm this free spirit traveling the globe who doesnt want him or his baggage full time, but that's the furthest from the truth. I would put up with a lot of bollocks to be with him-- with people thinking I'm some home-wrecking twit, with his kids maybe hating me at first. I'd deal with all of it, because I know eventually it would be ok, and because in my 30-something years of life I've never met anyone who I interacted with like I do with him. I just let him believe this because Im scared to let him know how I really feel and let it all out there. Even after knowing him as long as I know him.

 

I just want to forget about him. Maybe when Im gone for almost a year again it'll be easier. I can't say I totally forgot about him those almost 4 year I didn't talk to him, but i didn't think about him every day anymore for sure and it was easier than it is now.

[velvette]

Wow lol, that's a lot of stuff and I'm in need of sleep so cant really do it justice.

 

 

But, the thing that jumps out at me is that you are afraid to let him know how you really feel because you know deep down that it wont make any difference and that he wont leave.

 

 

If that's the case then you either need to let him know how you feel and find out or just go NC and move on imo.

 

 

Of course you cant connect with other people while you are still fixated on him. How could you?

 

 

Here's the thing. You are the connection, not them. When you free yourself of this fantasy of MM, you wil be able to find other men with whom you connect because you will be open to it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I hear what you are saying but I think your case is not necessarily representative of the majority. For I have also seen a ton of men write on other boards here how they want to leave but dont because of the kids.

 

Im not sure it has anything to do with him seeing me as a potential stepmother. If anything it has more to do with the fact that I move around a lot right now (as I said ive been overseas the last 4 years and I havent seen him in 3.5 years....so I havent been the OW for ten years straight, its just been on and off again for ten years)

 

Ive never actually told him I want him to leave to be honest. I've always wondered what he'd say if I said "I'll come back to this country for good if you would be with me".

 

I guess I'm scared to say such a thing so often I just enjoy our time together and say nothing.

 

He's often asked why I bother with him when I could get anyone I want and I'm such a good catch and blah blah. I know he gets jealous when I date other people but I also know he wants me to be happy and if I found someone else he would be happy for me.

 

He has tried to end things with me in the past, for various reasons-- guilt, or whatever. We find each other again always anyway.

 

Someone above said maybe this most recent baby was an attempt to save the marriage-- I don't think it was. I do know they were trying to save their sex life by going to therapy-- his wife was trying to be more open to what he wanted in that area but I suppose at the end of the day they are just not romantically compatible. Either way, yes, he should have been more careful but she got pregnant again and it is what it is. I know that neither of them wanted or planned for another baby right now-- if they did they'd be insane because this is probably the worst their marriage has been. I've seen and heard how she talks to him now. The hate she has in her voice, the distrust (not that I blame her , mind you-- if I was her I would be distrusting of my husband as well and always suspicious of what he's doing.) But they are definitely not in a healthy relationship and it has deteriorated.

 

Now, I will say they are great parents together. They have a happy family on the outside. Their kids are happy. But their relationship as husand and wife seems, to me, from what I see....not so good. But hey, what do I know, I'm not in the house right?

 

All I know is that I know him very well, that I've known him a decade, and that he's steadily gotten unhappier. He's gotten more complacent as time has gone. he's convinced himself that being the provider and keeping his family a unit is more important than his individual wants and needs romantically. So he stays.

 

I wish he knew your husband's story so he could see that divorce is not the end of your relationship with your children, however, he does not see it that way. He is terrified if he got divorced he would A) become a part-time father (I'm not sure what your husband's relationship was like with his kids, but my MM has a great relationship with his kids, all of whom are young, and he is very involved in their daily lives and thinks not being there for them morning and night as he is now would be horrible. And maybe it would be for him. Maybe he'd get used to it but maybe he wouldnt. I dont know.)

 

and B) i dont think he could afford divorce. He can barely pay his mortgage as is and his wife doesnt work.

 

and C) I am not settled in one place. It's hard to imagine risking tearing your family apart for someone when Im sure he looks at me and wonders if I'll even be around. I certainly won't be here the next year except a few weeks.

 

Maybe I can be honest with him and say what I feel, but I'm a bit scared to do so. Don't know why. Maybe if I decide to come back to this country after next year when my new contract is over and I'm still single I can approach it then.

 

Or I can tell him how I feel now and say that if I am single in a year from now and he wants to try we can.

 

Please believe I will not sit around waiting for him. I don't know why people think that....in the last ten years I have had at least three long-term relationships with other men that I loved, and I did NOT cheat on them. It has not been a ten-year long monogamous affair with MM, at all. I just don't meet people that make me feel that way very often, and certainly looking back not even my boyfriends were quite like him in that sense.

 

Anyway I wasn't really trying to argue the merits of him staying or why he cant seem to wrap his head around divorce, but please believe me when I say I know him better than all of you guys and I know he wants a divorce from his wife, he just doesnt want a divorce from his kids and in his mind (whether it is a legitimate fear or not, this is how he feels right now), he is terrified of being a part-time father. I'm not saying this is a legitimate fear, but it is a real one for him right now and always has been. They havent had any other kids in over 7 years-- this most recent was most definitely an accident that happened during the process of them trying to repair their failing romantic relationship, which has not been fixed, obviously, since he tracked me down after almost 4 years of not speaking to me, from halfway around the world, just to tell me he missed me when he knew I wasn't even in the same country as him, and so there was no way he thought he'd even see me by saying hi. It was just by some strange coincidence that when he contacted me I happened to be home for a few weeks on an assignment.

 

I just don't know what to do to forget about him lately. You'd think after all this time and torture and anguish I'd just forget and it's hard. I wish I had the balls to just tell him how I really feel, how I want him to leave, but I have never told him that. For some reason he seems to think I'm this free spirit traveling the globe who doesnt want him or his baggage full time, but that's the furthest from the truth. I would put up with a lot of bollocks to be with him-- with people thinking I'm some home-wrecking twit, with his kids maybe hating me at first. I'd deal with all of it, because I know eventually it would be ok, and because in my 30-something years of life I've never met anyone who I interacted with like I do with him. I just let him believe this because Im scared to let him know how I really feel and let it all out there. Even after knowing him as long as I know him.

 

I just want to forget about him. Maybe when Im gone for almost a year again it'll be easier. I can't say I totally forgot about him those almost 4 year I didn't talk to him, but i didn't think about him every day anymore for sure and it was easier than it is now.

 

It's been a decade and you are still making excuses for him.

 

Really kismet, does it matter if those excuses are real or not? The bottom line is that you are putting up with being a side piece (yes I hate that phrase, but that's what you are, and what I was too). You continue to justify his staying and continue to accept his crumbs. Ten YEARS.

 

Wake up. Please. I was you, but I finally woke up after 8 years. How much more time do you want to be a side piece and accepting crumbs after what he gives his family and wife?

 

No one can save you except you.

[KismetGirl]

Im not really making excuses....obviously there's always some inner hope that burns but realistically I dont think it will ever change.

 

I havent spent ten years straight.....there has been at least half of that where I was in relationships and didnt talk to him. But yes....even five years is too long to spend thinking about someone who realistically cant or wont make me a priority.

 

I'm a strong woman every where else in my life. Take care of everyone else. He's my kryptonite. No one has ever done this to me. No matter how in love I was with other people, when it was over it was over and i was sad but I got over it. I cant seem to just forget about him. Even when Im not as excited about him, I'm still eager to see him. Does that make sense? Like, it's not a puppy love, new love type of feeling-- i look at him and see the bags under his eyes, the age creeping in, the tummy getting bigger and i still think he's one of the sexiest men I ever met.

 

I tend to take a more passive stance when it comes to forgetting about him (eg- maybe when im out of the country for a long time again it will get easier), because i cant seem to figure out how to actively do it. I worked in mental health for years before what I do now and i know all the IC tricks and tips and cant seem to apply it to myself.

 

I'm weak when it comes to him. Ashamed. Sad. Maybe I deserve it. he told me some girl he used to go to school with (the one he had a mild EA with, they never progressed to PA) in one of those long periods I was gone and dating someone else, he said she contacted him because they work in the same field and she's doing a presentation at his office and wanted to catch up. I became disgustingly jealous just knowing she called him. But I guess I deserve it. Even though she's married and has kids and likely nothing physical will happen with them the thought that he was ever remotely close to her in a friendly way drives me nuts.

 

but i deserve it now dont i. I can only imagine what his wife felt every time she looked at my facebook profile wondering why, why, why.

[minimariah]

For I have also seen a ton of men write on other boards here how they want to leave but dont because of the kids.

 

truth. but most of those men don't bring new kids every once in a while in their failed marriage. the worst thing is - this is not the 1st child that was conceived during your decade long A & you somehow still think it's all just a big accident.

 

I know that neither of them wanted or planned for another baby right now-- if they did they'd be insane because this is probably the worst their marriage has been.

 

you DON'T know, that's the thing. and i hope you know how incredibly disrespectful you are (to the man you allegedly love - not that he deserves respect but you get the point - ) by calling his child an "accident".

 

But their relationship as husand and wife seems, to me, from what I see....not so good. But hey, what do I know, I'm not in the house right?

 

for heaven's sake - he is having an A with you. OF COURSE their relationship isn't good.

 

He is terrified if he got divorced he would become a part-time father...

 

he WILL become a part - time father because he'll share them with their mother. if they go for joint custody, they will spend 50% time each with the kids - so he is losing that half time that "belongs" to their mother. it's another problem that he clearly doesn't realize that him being a "part - time" father doesn't mean that he will somehow be a bad father, too.

 

Maybe I can be honest with him and say what I feel, but I'm a bit scared to do so. Don't know why.

 

because you know it won't change a thing.

 

Or I can tell him how I feel now and say that if I am single in a year from now and he wants to try we can.

 

he has a like... what, a one year - old baby at home? - you can forget about him leaving in the... well, at least next 5 years. AT LEAST.

 

Please believe I will not sit around waiting for him. I don't know why people think that....

 

because TEN years later you're STILL coming back whenever he calls & you still love him? no wonder your other relationships failed.

 

...but please believe me when I say I know him better than all of you guys and I know he wants a divorce from his wife...

 

then why does he keep knocking her up?

mind you - it happened more than once, according to you:

 

They havent had any other kids in over 7 years...

 

your A is a decade long... right? i remember your thread about his W being pregnant and that was a while ago - so they have a small baby right now. they haven't had any other kids in over 7 years - but your A lasts 10 years which means he got his W pregnant in the early stages of your A. was that an accident, too?

 

I just don't know what to do to forget about him lately.

 

go full NC. as simple as that. IC immediately.

i mean... if you really wanted to move on, you would do it.

 

like... what the fu*k happened to you, KismetGirl? what happened to your life that you're still slaving away for a man who caused you so much pain? what happened to you when THIS is acceptable relationship and form of love and why on Earth don't you think that you deserve better?

 

the problem here isn't him staying married for the kids... folks stay for their kids, we know that. the problem here is him bringing MORE children when those same kids are keeping him in his prison. if he wanted to be with you, he would at least seek some kind of IC to deal with his guilt. he would at least had some kind of exit plan when his children are grown enough. he doesn't even love you enough to put a damned condom on. he has NOTHING. and somehow... (and this is the craziest part) - you convinced yourself that it's all your fault because you never told him how you truly feel.

 

a m a z i n g.

Edited April 10, 2015 by minimariah

[Hope Shimmers]

Im not really making excuses....obviously there's always some inner hope that burns but realistically I dont think it will ever change.

 

Yes you are... everything you say is an excuse.

 

I havent spent ten years straight.....there has been at least half of that where I was in relationships and didnt talk to him. But yes....even five years is too long to spend thinking about someone who realistically cant or wont make me a priority.

 

I didn't spend 8+ years straight in it either, yet it totally affected all those years. I'm guessing it did for you too. No?

 

I'm a strong woman every where else in my life. Take care of everyone else. He's my kryptonite. No one has ever done this to me.

 

Me too. I get it. More than I can say in words.

 

No matter how in love I was with other people, when it was over it was over and i was sad but I got over it.

 

I know EXACTLY what you are saying. But that is what you have to get over. That is what is keeping you from living the life you deserve. It can be done. Others have done it. I did it.

 

I tend to take a more passive stance when it comes to forgetting about him (eg- maybe when im out of the country for a long time again it will get easier), because i cant seem to figure out how to actively do it. I worked in mental health for years before what I do now and i know all the IC tricks and tips and cant seem to apply it to myself.

 

Like I said before, it's up to you. He will want you as his sidepiece for as long as you allow it. How much more time are you going to waste?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I get that you're hurting. Sorry for that, I can imagine that it will affect every aspect of your life. You said when you reconnected this last time, that you could handle this. Everyone told you that you couldn't. I specifically said that you were self sabotaging. It seems that every time you have major life change going on you fall back into this mode.

 

I read your update and it's almost verbatim the same post that is seen here over and over. Very often they start out with... I've read here a lot but I don't see my exact circumstance... Yet, like yours, they're all the same. Don't add insult to injury. You've lived this for a decade. Nothing is changing. People who are unhappy with their life are unhappy with their life. It isn't someone else's fault, and someone else can't change it.

 

You have an awesome opportunity. He's not a valid excuse. Choose to put this drama out of your mind, or don't. The choice is yours.

[KismetGirl]

truth. but most of those men don't bring new kids every once in a while in their failed marriage. the worst thing is - this is not the 1st child that was conceived during your decade long A & you somehow still think it's all just a big accident.

 

 

 

you DON'T know, that's the thing. and i hope you know how incredibly disrespectful you are (to the man you allegedly love - not that he deserves respect but you get the point - ) by calling his child an "accident".

 

 

 

for heaven's sake - he is having an A with you. OF COURSE their relationship isn't good.

 

 

 

he WILL become a part - time father because he'll share them with their mother. if they go for joint custody, they will spend 50% time each with the kids - so he is losing that half time that "belongs" to their mother. it's another problem that he clearly doesn't realize that him being a "part - time" father doesn't mean that he will somehow be a bad father, too.

 

 

 

because you know it won't change a thing.

 

 

 

he has a like... what, a one year - old baby at home? - you can forget about him leaving in the... well, at least next 5 years. AT LEAST.

 

 

 

because TEN years later you're STILL coming back whenever he calls & you still love him? no wonder your other relationships failed.

 

 

 

then why does he keep knocking her up?

mind you - it happened more than once, according to you:

 

 

 

your A is a decade long... right? i remember your thread about his W being pregnant and that was a while ago - so they have a small baby right now. they haven't had any other kids in over 7 years - but your A lasts 10 years which means he got his W pregnant in the early stages of your A. was that an accident, too?

 

 

 

go full NC. as simple as that. IC immediately.

i mean... if you really wanted to move on, you would do it.

 

like... what the fu*k happened to you, KismetGirl? what happened to your life that you're still slaving away for a man who caused you so much pain? what happened to you when THIS is acceptable relationship and form of love and why on Earth don't you think that you deserve better?

 

the problem here isn't him staying married for the kids... folks stay for their kids, we know that. the problem here is him bringing MORE children when those same kids are keeping him in his prison. if he wanted to be with you, he would at least seek some kind of IC to deal with his guilt. he would at least had some kind of exit plan when his children are grown enough. he doesn't even love you enough to put a damned condom on. he has NOTHING. and somehow... (and this is the craziest part) - you convinced yourself that it's all your fault because you never told him how you truly feel.

 

a m a z i n g.

 

Im not being disrespectful. When something is not planned , it is by definition an accident. If you prefer the word "unplanned" you are going into semantics here and its not worth arguing over. Use whatever word you like, the implication remains the same. The child was not planned for and he was not happy it happened at the time, per say, but of course he loves it the same he loves his other children. I think that perhaps he was thinking about the concept of eventually leaving even if a distant concept, and when that happened it made him think there was no chance of that ever. He did discuss divorce with his wife many times throughout their time in marital therapy but at the time the new kid came along i suppose it seemed not possible anymore for him.

 

As for my other relationships failing, with all due respect, you don't know what you are talking about because MM was not in my life and I was full NC with him during those relationships. They ended for reasons that had nothing to do with MM whatsoever. And if you're going to tell me that someone cheating on me is somehow my fault then I really don't think you know what you're talking about. THose relationships failed because the guys were jerkoffs, but I really liked them at the time and was not remotely in contact with MM at the time.

 

When he had his other kids it was the very beginning of our affair and so yes, I would say they were still in "family planning" stage and having kids so, no, I do not think they were not accidents or unplanned or whatever you want to call it. In the first 3-4 years of our affair he was still quite in denial about his poor relationship with his wife and convinced himself he was happy. I remember when his wife got pregnant those times he did not hide being happy about it and broke it off with me back then. With this pregnancy he was visibly not excited nor happy about it at first. They got pregnant in that 3 year span we were NC. He contacted me when she was nearly 8 months pregnant. These days he's not quite in denial about his poor marital connection, but he's too far in it now. He should have left years ago when we first met.

 

I do agree that this is not enough. I dont think this is enough. Ive never implied or said I felt what I get from him is enough. He is a selfish tw*t. I fully agree. I've never felt this situation was acceptable. If I did I wouldnt be so upset about it now would I? I want to forget about him. Ive spent time in NC. I did not speak one word to him for over 3 years! He found me again in a depressing time in my life and I crumbled. Im human.

 

As for other things...he's an idiot and should have been more careful. I suspect wearing a condom would be making his uber-Catholic wife very suspicious of why he'd suddenly want to use it. She does not use birth-control, has always refused to. Her sisters all have a minimum of 5-6 children. Anyway. Yes, he should have found ways to be more careful. But I can tell you with 100% confidence he was not happy about this pregnancy when it happened but he obviously loves his child so it's irrelevant now.

 

Anyway listen. I end up sounding like Im making excuses because I often think people dont understand it, but really in the end I agree with all of you-- I really do. I dont think this is enough for me. I dont think this makes me happy. I dont think this is what I deserve. I don't.

 

I'm just a fool in love. And wishing he'd never contacted me again.

[KismetGirl]

I get that you're hurting. Sorry for that, I can imagine that it will affect every aspect of your life. You said when you reconnected this last time, that you could handle this. Everyone told you that you couldn't. I specifically said that you were self sabotaging. It seems that every time you have major life change going on you fall back into this mode.

 

I read your update and it's almost verbatim the same post that is seen here over and over. Very often they start out with... I've read here a lot but I don't see my exact circumstance... Yet, like yours, they're all the same. Don't add insult to injury. You've lived this for a decade. Nothing is changing. People who are unhappy with their life are unhappy with their life. It isn't someone else's fault, and someone else can't change it.

 

You have an awesome opportunity. He's not a valid excuse. Choose to put this drama out of your mind, or don't. The choice is yours.

 

agree with everything you said. always have.

 

just sad. been very sad a lot the last year. all these deaths and illnesses on top of work stress, i thought i might go insane lately. just wanted something to grab onto and distract me. he came along, and wasnt the best option for a distraction but he was there i suppose.

[minimariah]

If you prefer the word "unplanned" you are going into semantics here and its not worth arguing over.

 

my point was - you have no idea if the child was planned or not because you don't know what goes on in their marriage. for some reason, you refuse to even THINK about the possibility of him lying to you. we're in 21st century - if he didn't want any children... why didn't he get a vasectomy? THINK! do you really believe that in this age, children accidentally happen? they happen when you don't care enough to do EVERYTHING in your power to NOT knock someone up. he could've saved enough money for 10 vasectomies by now... why didn't he do that?

 

you know... i remember reading your previous thread and you were pissed the f*ck off when you found out about that baby. what happened? where did the mad-sick-of-your-sh*t KismetGirl go?

 

you're AWARE of the fact that he could've been more careful but somehow it doesn't bother you - you keep comforting himself with the fact that he wasn't happy about the news.

 

As for my other relationships failing, with all due respect, you don't know what you are talking about because MM was not in my life and I was full NC with him during those relationships.

 

they failed because you were in love & pining for the MM that entire time.

yes... it is that simple.

 

THose relationships failed because the guys were jerkoffs, but I really liked them at the time and was not remotely in contact with MM at the time.

 

so why do you keep dating jerkoffs? those jerkoffs were your choice. why? do you think you picked those jerkoffs on purpose because in reality - you didn't want a new nice guy because you really didn't want to move on?

 

and how come you were able to get rid of those jerkoffs but you can't get rid of your MM for an entire decade?

 

When he had his other kids it was the very beginning of our affair and so yes, I would say they were still in "family planning" stage and having kids so, no, I do not think they were not accidents or unplanned or whatever you want to call it.

 

and you're telling me, with a straight face, that you actually respect a man who is happily planning more and more children with his W while having an A? you respect a man who is so emotionally damaged and immature that he thinks planning a family with his pregnant W + having an A at the same time is actually a healthy and happy way of living? why are you constantly trying to be his savior?

 

He should have left years ago when we first met.

 

no, sweetheart. he should've left WAY BEFORE you two met. don't delude yourself into thinking that he was happy and then he suddenly met you - he was f*cked up long before you appeared.

 

He found me again in a depressing time in my life and I crumbled.

 

you cannot afford to crumble anymore. you've spent an entire decade crumbling - aren't you tired already?

 

I suspect wearing a condom would be making his uber-Catholic wife very suspicious of why he'd suddenly want to use it.

 

one word - vasectomy. & do NOT tell me about how he can't afford it. you make it seem as is his W forced him to have sex with her and he... being the poor, helpless victim... obeyed.

 

even his W's possible suspicions are more important to him than you are. marinate on that.

 

I end up sounding like Im making excuses because I often think people dont understand it, but really in the end I agree with all of you-- I really do.

 

you do. i know the difference between excuses & reasons and you're making excuses. and yes - he is enough for you (for some reason). you know how i know that? you're here planning spending the NEXT YEAR with him already... you're planning a future with a dude who has a small baby at home & is terrified of leaving. you honestly think he'll leave when the baby is like... 2 years old? you do realize you'll wait at least another five years, if you decide to wait?

 

I'm just a fool in love. And wishing he'd never contacted me again.

 

well, snap out of it. go full NC and finally focus on you. go to IC, don't give up until you find a reason for being this long in the "victim" mode, and take control over your own life and this relationship. it's not like you'll live forever.. you really want to waste another minute living like this?

 

it's like... he's your Dementor and he is literally sucking the life out of you and you just refuse to fight. and yes, i went super hard on you because i don't think anything less than super hard will make you see some sense.

Edited April 10, 2015 by minimariah

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm out.

 

Ten charachters

[minimariah]

agree with everything you said. always have.

 

just sad. been very sad a lot the last year. all these deaths and illnesses on top of work stress, i thought i might go insane lately. just wanted something to grab onto and distract me. he came along, and wasnt the best option for a distraction but he was there i suppose.

 

honey, he is the LAST person you should be asking for comfort.

 

look... i know it's hard and i know you're in love but this has to end. it's not good for you, he keeps making you sad & miserable. you had a tough year and i'm truly sorry for that... surround yourself with folks who DO love you and who DO make you happy. find a new hobby, seek IC.

 

you deserve better than this, so much better. it's heartbreaking watching you fall for the same old trick over and over again.

[Sassy Girl]

What's the point. Seriously?

 

You and here asking for support when he contacted you after 3 years no contact. We gave you advice, told you where it was headed and you ignored every single piece of good advice and here you are again.

 

It's just freaking sad. You were there. 3 years. Poof.... Back to where you started.

 

I know you say you want support, but I honestly can't be bothered. You ignored everyone and went back anyway. Your misery is of your own choosing

[m4p]

Hi Kismet, I had been following your past threads and I know you're hurting with this latest post. It also seems like some here are being harsh on you now BUT I truly believe they mean well for you. Please heed all the advise here. Only you can do this for yourself.

 

Perhaps you can think from another perspective if it helps; you care for him and so does he for you, I am sure. But it looks like he does not care for you ENOUGH to take away your pain. There is no other way out. It's either to be with you, or to stop hurting you. You gotta know that if someone loves you or cares for you enough, there won't be anything stopping them from giving you happiness. Kids, divorces, custody etc. are nasty business but plenty have done it for happiness and they do it because it needs to be done. In this case, he don't see you as a priority, so why should you? (I am not minimizing the pain of kids in divorces, etc, but these are decisions for adults to make. Will it really benefit the kids instead to grow up in an environment where their parents are married but don't love each other?)

 

Therefore, be it excuses or not, you have to stop rationalizing his behavior and see it for what is it.

 

Most probably, your MM loves his W and he cannot bear to leave her, full stop.

 

If he was selfish enough to have an affair, he will definitely be selfish enough to leave a so-called loveless marriage. "Convenience vs All hell breaks loose": seems like he has made his choice many many times over your past decade with him.

 

If you never close your heart to him, you will never be able to let anyone else in. You will find yourself comparing everyone you meet to him. That is unfair to others and to yourself.

 

I hope you know where we are coming from and that you really know what is best for yourself.. sending you lots of strength to do this..

[gettingstronger]

I hope that you will step back and really look at the advice given-

 

I agree that divorce is hard, but not impossible- there are posters on here whose MM left the BS and married them, there are posters that left abusive marriages, there are posters that left for themselves, not the AP- look at the divorce rate in the general population and ask yourself-is it being "hard" really an excuse when so many others make it work?

 

More children- planned or unplanned it still takes sex to get pregnant-its still a unifying event for most families, it still binds people together, it still complicates your goal of being with this person-

 

Those are facts, not judgements, and I hope for your own sake you take a look at what people are telling you with an open mind-

[Cinnimon]

I had one of those " can't leave for the kids sake " mm. Here's how that played out. First he couldn't leave until the child was out of high school, then when she was out of high school, he couldn't leave because she went to collage and he didn't want to screw up her collage years, then while she was in her last year of collage she met her boyfriend and they started talking of marriage, he couldn't leave then because he didn't want to screw up her views on marriage........

 

I never asked him to leave either, until one day I did and he told me that he would not. Things really changed after that. He killed the hope. When that happens you have no other choice but to get out because you are left with NO DOUBT you have no future, you are just an accessory to HIS life.

 

I say ask him to leave and be with you, he might kill your hope too.

[Bittersweetie]

Kismet, I'm sorry you are in pain. It's good that you are leaving and you can put some space between the two of you in order to get a better sense of yourself and what you want from life, instead of spending mental energy wondering about him.

 

I want to comment on a couple of things...how he said if his wife had an A he'd be "relieved." This is a common response from wayward spouses. I thought this myself during my A. And looking back, I can see the reason I thought it. If my H had an A too, and we broke up, then I wouldn't be the bad guy.

 

As a wayward there's a lot of mental gymnastics involved to justify our actions, in order to not make us the bad guy. "I'm not a bad person! This just happened! I didn't mean to hurt anyone!" I thought these thoughts all the time. But when it comes down to it, I WAS a bad person. I was incredibly selfish. I hurt people deeply. I made those choices.

 

Also, a marriage with young children is REALLY FREAKING HARD. I only have one and some days both my H and I are ready to throw in towels...I can't imagine having four! OF COURSE you make him feel good, OF COURSE your interactions are perfect. There's no kids or laundry or meal planning involved! Would I want to spend a slow, relaxed evening with and make love to my husband? Heck yeah. But there are logistics and money and exhaustion involved right now. The thing is, I know this isn't forever. Kids grow up.

 

And finally, think about this: while he was making love to you, his wife was putting their FOUR CHILDREN to bed: dinner, bath, bed times, etc.

 

That is not a sign of a good man.

 

I'm not trying to beat you up here. Like I said, I think it is good that you are spending some time away. I'd suggest no contact (as hard as it will be) so you can focus on YOU and looking at the situation with clarity and perspective.

 

You have a long history with this guy but that doesn't mean you have a future.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[jwi71]

Hi KG.

 

I'm sorry to see you have returned to this - in some capacity however large or small.

 

When you want this to end it will.

But you never truly walked from him - he still lingers and weighs you down.

I know you will reject this - but he clouds your present and your future.

You defend and excuse him still.

 

No doubt you love him deeply. That you see him as a safe place.

But he isnt safe. He is no safe haven. He is poison to you.

 

Until you face <this> - whatever <it> is that draws you, he will forever hold you back. And yes KG, he IS holding you back. Forever retarding your potential for happiness.

 

There is nothing more to really add...one day, I hope, you let go. Then, and only then, will you realize the weight you carry.