Echo74 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Title should have been "Very confused about keeping hopeful or moving on" Married twenty years, trouble the past couple of years because I was upset with him being gone so much and missing birthdays, other event, no vacations, etc. In the last couple of years his job had taken him to a remote site 50-60% of the year. I'd complain but he would always just sit there, he never even discussed his feeling about my complaining all the time. So back in November, I was upset and didn't really speak to him for a couple of days so told me that I'd be better off with someone who could be here for me, then he packed a bag and left. I was absolutely stunned. I had to pretend and lie to all my relative when they'd ask where he was (at work or on a business trip), including my mom and siblings. Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years, Valentines then our 20th anniversary…all so excruciating to get through. In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd be here at my age after twenty years and one child. We are on speaking terms, he comes to visit with me and our son when he is in town. It's just like we were 4-5 years ago. We talk about what's happening, we laugh as if nothing has changed. But yet he has no intention of coming back to me. He said there is no one else, "when would I possibly have time to have another women?" is his answer. He has always been very disciplined about everything in his life (such as taking my complaining for years with no emotion) and he is so very different from anyone I've ever met. He has never been the type to go out with friends during our marriage as he felt I was his best friend. So I can honestly see him NOT having another woman on the side. But still, a small part of me still questions this. My therapist is certain that he has someone because that's typical, but THIS man is NOT a typical man and never has been since I've known him. Anyway, since it's been about five months and he's still talking D, I still hang on to what little hope there is. My sister also gives me hope and believes that I should just put positive energy out there. She is the one person that can always lift me when I'm down. On the other hand, two of my friends feel that maybe what's happening is what is best for me. I've been able to keep a positive attitude for the past two months, but recently, I've been so confused and sometimes feel a bit sad and not able to easily get myself out of that funk. I'm so afraid that if I keep hopeful I could be crushed once more if the D is definite. On the other hand, I hate the thought of moving on because I love my husband and also I'm scared about the future as I have not worked since I was part of company downsizing five years ago. I dread having to date again. I hate the thought of dating sites because I live on an island so it's not like there will be a huge crop of older guys. Ugh! Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Hi Echo, no advice, but I feel your pain. From my perspective just reading what you wrote, it sounds like he's emotionally unavailable. He just doesn't care if he's with someone or not. Guess that sounds like my wife too. I have given up hope and to be honest, my advice from someone who does not know you, him nor anything about your past is you should too. Honestly, if for no other reason, just as you say, to protect your future feelings. That said, I know it's not really a choice. It's not something you can really just turn off. I had hope and faith she would come to her senses (lol) and realize how much I mean to her, but it hasn't happened and Monday is moving day. I reserved the storage unit and truck today. I gave up hope and faith just before our anniversary (Feb 23) when she told me everything she had been telling me (stringing me along) was a lie. She didn't use those words of course, but that was the gist. I felt strong for awhile but as this deadline approached and we were communicating again, hope kicked back in. I keep shoving it away because I know it's just a trigger for hurt, but there it is. Today we spoke because of our taxes, but still nothing positive. So, the deadline continues to approach. Still shoving hope away, and it still persists. So, I guess the answer for you if there is one is you just have to feel what you feel. I do sympathize with you because like you, I feel in a one-sided relationship where it's easy for the other to break up because they just don't care. Meanwhile we hurt. Hugs! All I can do is wish you strength and peace! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 And if the 74 in your name is your birth year, you're not old at all! Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Or is it your age? Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 And if the 74 in your name is your birth year, you're not old at all! Ha. I sometimes wonder if people think my 81 is a birth year and revel momentarily in being imagined as a delicate rose just blooming into my mid thirties. Unfortunately it's actually a geographic coordinate and I'm almost 48. OP, I always think it's good to try to do both. You can't easily will hope or love away and you should respect and honour those feelings, because they're yours. That's just the way a heart works when we're connected to someone and wouldn't choose to let them go if there was any other choice. So, do your best to take care of yourself and prepare for a different future than the one you expected and just let the hope and sadness feelings be there too. If he doesn't come to meet them they will fade with time. You don't have to stay mentally or emotionally still to preserve love and hope for someone and something else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Echo74 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Or is it your age? No I'm not 74, lol! It's part of my address, I'm 56. Yes my therapist said that my husband is emotionally unavailable. Weird since I used to think that he was always so patient. In reality he simply doesn't like what he considers "confrontation". I think I'll have to try and move on even though I hold on to what little hope there is in my heart. It sometimes angers me that he left while our son is still in high school. Boy this is so difficult! Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Hope is destructive or so I found. It's part of what lets us let go slowly instead of just taking the plunge and if there is hope for a relationship, it's a good thing. If not, it's terrible! I can't speak for anyone else, but I know it has hurt me tremendously. Yes, it's tragic that he left while your son is still in high school. That will always affect him and will change his character. I'm so sorry. And at 56, you are still plenty young! I am dating and women have told me I'm still very handsome. I hope that's not pity-kindness! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
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