Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Beach....yes...I've been looking at drink recently to get me through. .. but YES ...I know I can stop...starting tomorrow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 "I know the continuous string of TT from your WW and your mind connecting the dots is serving as mini additional D Days." Hi Lionheart, really great stuff in your summation post....I've taken it all on board...and will def take the measured advice off someone like you who's gone through it.... you are absolutely right...Each day with the TT is like another Dday. ..and this is keeping it obsessively in my thoughts....and causing the panic attacks. ..I had another one yesterday morning...it was caused by my remembering a certain aspect of her A...her giving me a half baked but pretty much bulls***t answer....then me getting angry...me hyperventilating...me breathing into a paper back for an hour to try to stop the palpitations. ..then when it subsided still white as a sheet and quite shaky for rest of the day....I went to visit my daughter and wee granddaughter early evening. ..but I still fell I wasn't dealing with my grandaughter in the same 'fettle' (good fettle means good mood in Scottish )...and I felt quite bad about that...I normally laugh with her, tell her stories etc...she's 5. So...early in ur post...you mentioned one of my aims was to get CLARITY....and earlier this month you explained that this was very important in your case and helped you...and enabled you to have a timetable of events and perhaps compartimalise the A ... But I don't think I'm going to get this with my WW in a month of Sundays. ..and look what happens to me when I try...?! I certainly don't want auto response bad physical symptoms suffered by me when I deal with my WW.... Great tips...I agree with you about my work...will need 2 weeks totally sober and psyche myself up. ..like in your case...before I attempt to go back... Talk again soon...all the best LH Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Meant to say LH. .. When she got busted about this guy...Dec 2003...she lied that he was just a 'friend'...and that she had been going out 2 nights a week with another 'friend....a female....that I very quickly found out never actually existed at all.... So in Dec 2003 I did write down all the dates and times she had gone all dolled up to meet this 'friend' but never letting me drive her there or back... but I can't find the bloody thing now.....the log of her visits...Wish I could cause she's saying I'm making up a lot of these 'dates' in my own mind... and this would help me in dealing with her...If I coukd find it...!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Meant to say LH. .. When she got busted about this guy...Dec 2003...she lied that he was just a 'friend'...and that she had been going out 2 nights a week with another 'friend....a female....that I very quickly found out never actually existed at all.... So in Dec 2003 I did write down all the dates and times she had gone all dolled up to meet this 'friend' but never letting me drive her there or back... but I can't find the bloody thing now.....the log of her visits...Wish I could cause she's saying I'm making up a lot of these 'dates' in my own mind... and this would help me in dealing with her...If I coukd find it...!! Could-a, would-a, should-a. Stop fretting over things you cannot fix. It's over and you misplaced those dates. Let it go. Concentrate on the 180 now. Keep moving forwards. Turn that energy from fretting about what you should have done and focus on your new future and life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 of course it is going to take a toll on your physical appearance. The weather is turning for the better in Scotland. Pack up some hiking gear, food, and whisky, and hit the hiking trails for a week in the highlands. let the land "talk" to you. it will heal your body, and probably your mind too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 I agree. ..wholeheartedly. ..gooda whodda shooda isn't going to help me one iota ...and I would love to go walking in the Scottish mountains. ..but I don't feel up to it at the moment. ..The drip drip of her A is still attacking me...wush 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 And besides, us Scots are supposed to be homely looking. I'm of 80% Scottish decent and I'm ugly as a mud fence. No amount of Noxema is going to make me any prettier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Brill ..LW Noxema is the answer for both of us ....10 years off both of us ...at least...I've already ordered it on amazon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Seriously the truth is this: no one is ever gonna GET the full story of their spouses A. When I left my exWH and had obsessed a bit over his A, I just took what I got. Had a mind movie. Imagined him being a clumsy git with his wee little thing and made it into a comedy. I'm a person like you who WANTS the full story. Others don't. I imagined I had it already. When he was still lamenting over losing us even AFTER all our children were born to our next spouses (yes good grief! Every phone call turned into that blah for 13y). I just said "you did it. It's your fault. I don't care WHAT you did. It's done. YOU did it. Wear the consequences." Too bad too sad. I just got on with the sh** I had to do. And I clearly had little choice. But only in that relationship. My choices were EVERY WHERE when I shut him out and looked at what I did have. Well tbh I had few choices dependent on welfare with a baby DD. But I went to work on her and on me. Within 9mths I was back at work, saving like mental for my first house and bought it when DD was 2.5y. Then another and another. Thank G** for LS this time. But then, yeah I guess it's still all up to me. Heavy burdens. Big decisions. I agree about the hike in the Scottish wilderness but no alcohol. Herbal bl**dy teas I recommend and don't go out of mobile contact. There's a twig burning device you can buy that can charge your phone in the event of no electricity. Take one. TBH I think you're prolonging the grieving process with WW still there. IMO you still grieve without them there but it's a faster process and far calmer. The physical appearance stuff is up to you. I did everything I could to look better but I still felt like total crap. It's fake what I've done. I'm doing as much of the mechanical stuff that involves movement and exercise as I can but at best it's 50% capacity and my motivation is about 2%. I'm forcing myself by imagining that I AM MY OWN BEST FRIEND. Because I should be. I'm SO dirty with myself for being a total sucker ALL over again. I'm angry that beautiful values I hold dear like fidelity, honesty, trustworthiness and honour are zilch in the 2 men I chose to be fathers to my children. My own father didn't have these. My mother only had fidelity. So now with so little of these values held in the world I am still preparing my own children to have these values and more but boy do they need the education of assessing others far better than I ever have. I trust no one now. Trust yourself. Be good to yourself and above all forgive yourself as hard as that can be to attain. Lion Heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 that's the point of the road trip. you don't feel like it now, but watching the sunrise from a mountain peak will change your attitude! btw, no true woodsman would rely on a cell phone! lol. take a map, a compass, a couple ways to start a fire, and food! that is all u need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 LH "I AM BY OWN BEST FRIEND " I ve just got to live by this...I have no other choice now...my mental and physical health is at the real edge now...the cusp... Another MAGOR. ..Dday again last night...5 weeks since the first Dday. ..got all the sex details after she decided to 'tell all the truth'....she was drunk...again...but so was I tbh....especially as I knew she was going to tell all...earlier in the day...and I knew I had to get drink in to the house...to cope with this...jeez. ..I'm glad I did. ..was horrendous last night....at the time.... but sobering up now...in middle of the night...and intend to stay that way for next 7 days... at last...there's nothing else I need...or want to know... Some kind of slight relief I suppose. ..but was literally shaking when I heard last night...from horses mouth.... can't be unknown or undone now.... onwards and upwards. .. back to 180 today...must...! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Now quit talking to her 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Now quit talking to her This is what you are going to have to do if you want to get better. Do Not talk to her or see her. When you stop communicating and seeing her face you will begin to heal. As long as you hear her voice or see her face you will stay stuck in pain. Don't do it to yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 At first yes- I looked horrible- exhausted, sad, defeated-but I turned it around and am in the best shape (physically) of my life- now mentally, I am still a work in progress- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Points taken... from now I'll not even attempt to talk to her or have anything to do with her... will be reasonable but with complete indifference. .. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 It may be easier to see things clearly if you stop drinking. It magnifies the sadness and blurs what's real. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) Not too sure if I agree totally with that beach...I've been sober last 2 days.... ...and sobriety not 'blurring' what was she was really up to during her 3/4 affair....its actually making it MORE real and crystal clear. ..The major extent and callousness of her lies and the actual sexual aspects of their A.... Drinking. ..for all its wrongs....WAS covering this clarity and horrible realisation for me for the first 4 weeks after DDAY and daily TT... But I'm going to stay off drinking and I feel the reality will actually seem WORSE now...has been this last 2 days... But not drinking and just feeling the real horror and pain will enable me best to move on to the future.... I agree it did increase the open sadness. ...I was bubbling like a big baby a couple of times while drunk and asking her 'why, why 'and all that sad crap...... Did you use alcohol when you found out about your WS...Beach ?? Edited April 15, 2015 by lisbon67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 (edited) Yep.The divorce is going ahead at a fast pace..but there is posturing on both sides definitely Edited April 15, 2015 by lisbon67 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Then stop posturing. Where in the 180 does it say to posture? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 I did say I wasn't the best 180 er in the world didn't it ...?? But I have been trying...and if fall off...I try again the next day.... Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I did say I wasn't the best 180 er in the world didn't it ...?? But I have been trying...and if fall off...I try again the next day.... The only way I keep up with it is I printed it out and stuck it to my bathroom mirror. Every day as I shave and brush my teeth I read it from beginning to end...all 30+ rules, trying to get them grooved into my brain. it has to be doubly hard when you have to live with the woman. I couldn't deal with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Share Posted April 15, 2015 Yeah. .I think that's the main problem. .. We have to be civil to each other or it wold be unbearable. .. and I know 180 regime allows for that of course... just much more difficult when we around each other almost all day... and I'm also trying to count to 5 each time an question about her A occurs to me... Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Yeah. .I think that's the main problem. .. We have to be civil to each other or it wold be unbearable. .. and I know 180 regime allows for that of course... just much more difficult when we around each other almost all day... and I'm also trying to count to 5 each time an question about her A occurs to me... Treat her like the houseplant she is. A very prickly, tenacious weed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 It's the one thing my WH has taken from me in all this. I used to be really happy, worked out 3 days a week, took the kids to activities, etc. I am none of those things now. I have no desire to better myself, it's really awful. I just got back on AD's again so am hoping it will help. It's just been surviving basically for me for the last 3 years. The old you will come back. During WW's LTA all the insanity that she brought into our marriage - screaming at me that I was too controlling when I called her while she was on a trip to see "old friends" - all that really messed me up. I gained weight by not exercising and eating poorly. After Dday my self esteem was at rock bottom. I lost weight initially, gained it back, and lost it again as I cycled through all the ups and down of the rollercoaster. Now years after Dday I am in shape and slim. I've taken classes at the local college, taken on new hobbies and generally feel good about myself. I'm confident in and feel good about myself. OTOH my WW has gained weight. She doesn't look horrible or anything, but she used to be about 100 pounds, and now she weighs in between 135 and 140. She doesn't exercise and tends to over-snack in the evening. So I guess for me the shoe eventually came to be on the other foot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Treat her like the houseplant she is. A very prickly, tenacious weed. Hey Lisbon, Sorry I've been NC, intermittent service on North Coast. Didn't want to come back! But seeing you're cooling down the alcohol intake. Well done. Another D Day, well yeah it happens. Hope you can get "closure" at some time VERY VERY SOON. TBH expecting closure from WSs is a little like waiting for rain at Uluru. It may happen but why the f*** wait? There's gotta come a time when "enough is ACTUALLY enough". Is there posturing for a hope at reconciliation? Because I'm not sure why you'd hold off getting your WW out otherwise. Totally up to you. Best wishes Lion Heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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