NC the only way to get him out my system??

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Hi all. I am a long time reader/lurker and finally ready to post. My story is pretty typical and not unique. I won’t go into super long details, trying to convince anyone of the feelings we shared, or whether or not he truly cared for me. I have already reconciled those feelings and choose to believe he did care for me and wishes things were different. So long story short I had an affair with a MM, who happens to be an ex I dumped prior to him getting married. In the end of our affair, he chose to work on his marriage. Lots of things lead up to this but does any of that even matter? Point is he chose his marriage over me, whatever the reasons.

 

We have tried to be friends (FAIL), tried to maintain contact. I can tell he’s happy to have at least some part of me in his life but I am not happy and that’s what matters. We haven’t seen each in person since we ended it but we still message each other. I know it’s unhealthy and not right. I know he should be focusing 100% on his marriage because that is what he chose and that by staying in contact with me he is NOT doing that. I know that this is holding me back longer than it should and that I am delaying my healing by continuing to message him. Whenever I hint at ending this messaging thing, he goes into overdrive to keep me talking to him. I am tired. This is exhausting. Silly me thought what’s the big deal if we message here and there.

 

]I think I am ready to try complete and total NC. I want him out my system. I want to block him on facebook and take it an extra step further and take my profile down for a while. But I have irrational fears and that is what brought me to post. I am worried we will never be friends again. I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him. And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

 

I also want to know if it is true that even if you block a MM on all avenues, if he truly wants to reach you or is truly divorced they will find a way? How if you block them on everything, how can they let you know something has changed? I’m sorry if my questions are stupid or well, irrational. I don’t want to jump into NC, only to fail. I want to be prepared so I can stick with this and make it out the other side eventually. Thanks for the listen.

[badpenny]

]I think I am ready to try complete and total NC.

You're not. No broken heart ever is. But it's the only way.

 

I want him out my system. I want to block him on facebook and take it an extra step further and take my profile down for a while.

We have a better idea.

Take it down FOR GOOD.

 

But I have irrational fears and that is what brought me to post. I am worried we will never be friends again.

No, you can never be friends again, regardless of what happens, and how much time passes. Friendship with an ex, you still have feelings for, is never ver going to be conventional. There will ALWAYS be that frisson there...

 

I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him.

He probably knows that will never be the case, but his marriage is not your concern. it's his, and he's already told you what he wants to do, so that's TWICE now, this hasn't worked...

 

And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

Stop thinking about you from his angle, and start thinking about focusing on you, from your angle...

 

I also want to know if it is true that even if you block a MM on all avenues, if he truly wants to reach you or is truly divorced they will find a way?

Why? You hoping?

So why bother even thinking about total No Contact, if at the first sign of apparent interest form him, you'll probably break it?

 

How if you block them on everything, how can they let you know something has changed?

That's not for you to worry about. That's for him to deal with, if ever he wants to.

 

I’m sorry if my questions are stupid or well, irrational. I don’t want to jump into NC, only to fail.

In exactly the same way as he has to be pretty determined to get in touch with you, you have to be equally determined to not ever respond if he does. That's on you, failure will be your problem.

 

I want to be prepared so I can stick with this and make it out the other side eventually.

If you are aware there's another side, start walking. You'll get there.

With the right steps, you can get anywhere you want....

[Friskyone4u]

This is NOT going to be good for YOU. The reason is that at some point you are going to have a relationship with an eligible single man, and from day 1 if you keep this MM in your life you will be all set up to enter into an affair. Do you plan to tell you new boyfriend that your "male"'friend is someone you have been having sex with for however long. If not than you are deceiving him by omission right from the start.

Do you really want to move on with your life or keep the "spark"'alive and be an unsafe and dangerous partner for a good

Man who may really love you.

You cannot read anything that will tell you that keeping an ex affair partner as a friend is a good idea and I believe most men will not be comfortable with you in communication or hanging out with someone you have been cheating with. Or are you planning to keep that "secret".

Just my opinion but you are looking for a way to hang on and it is not going to be healthy for yoi going forward.

[lookingforclosure]

Hi all. I am a long time reader/lurker and finally ready to post. My story is pretty typical and not unique. I won’t go into super long details, trying to convince anyone of the feelings we shared, or whether or not he truly cared for me. I have already reconciled those feelings and choose to believe he did care for me and wishes things were different. So long story short I had an affair with a MM, who happens to be an ex I dumped prior to him getting married. In the end of our affair, he chose to work on his marriage. Lots of things lead up to this but does any of that even matter? Point is he chose his marriage over me, whatever the reasons.

 

We have tried to be friends (FAIL), tried to maintain contact. I can tell he’s happy to have at least some part of me in his life but I am not happy and that’s what matters. We haven’t seen each in person since we ended it but we still message each other. I know it’s unhealthy and not right. I know he should be focusing 100% on his marriage because that is what he chose and that by staying in contact with me he is NOT doing that. I know that this is holding me back longer than it should and that I am delaying my healing by continuing to message him. Whenever I hint at ending this messaging thing, he goes into overdrive to keep me talking to him. I am tired. This is exhausting. Silly me thought what’s the big deal if we message here and there.

 

]I think I am ready to try complete and total NC. I want him out my system. I want to block him on facebook and take it an extra step further and take my profile down for a while. But I have irrational fears and that is what brought me to post. I am worried we will never be friends again. I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him. And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

 

I also want to know if it is true that even if you block a MM on all avenues, if he truly wants to reach you or is truly divorced they will find a way? How if you block them on everything, how can they let you know something has changed? I’m sorry if my questions are stupid or well, irrational. I don’t want to jump into NC, only to fail. I want to be prepared so I can stick with this and make it out the other side eventually. Thanks for the listen.

 

 

My story is very similar to yours...he chose to work on his marriage as well in Dec.but we still had contact for a month after wards. We tried maintaining LC, but that didn't seem to help either of us. Any type of contact with me was hurting his chances at really seeing if he could salvage his marriage truthfully, so He threw me into NC Jan 12th and was supposed to contact me on my birthday, which he never did. He has gone as far as to block my number on his work and personal cell phone. I eventually got up the courage to throw all his things away I still had at my house and delete and block him on Skype and Google hangouts. I have not however blocked his numbers or email accounts. I figure he's not attempting to contact me, so as long as I stay strong no harm no foul.

 

My therapist says that if someone truly wants to get up with you, they will. They know where you work, live, and your contact info. I had the same irrational fears when I finally deleted/blocked him from the last two venues I could knowingly contact him. My xMM works around the corner from me, so if he wants to find me it's pretty easy for him. I don't think that will be the case though...mine has went to loving me so much in Jan and not thinking his marriage would work...to talking about having another child and putting his house on the market.

 

BUT, I have seen people on this site get contacted out of the blue 6 months later...so anything is possible

[goodgirlgonebad15]

This is NOT going to be good for YOU. The reason is that at some point you are going to have a relationship with an eligible single man, and from day 1 if you keep this MM in your life you will be all set up to enter into an affair. Do you plan to tell you new boyfriend that your "male"'friend is someone you have been having sex with for however long. If not than you are deceiving him by omission right from the start.

Do you really want to move on with your life or keep the "spark"'alive and be an unsafe and dangerous partner for a good

Man who may really love you.

You cannot read anything that will tell you that keeping an ex affair partner as a friend is a good idea and I believe most men will not be comfortable with you in communication or hanging out with someone you have been cheating with. Or are you planning to keep that "secret".

Just my opinion but you are looking for a way to hang on and it is not going to be healthy for yoi going forward.

 

Thank you. I completely see where you are going with this however meeting or dating anyone is the furtherest thing from my mind. Any guy approaching me for the next few months is getting turned down just for GP (general purposes). I don't want to be trashy on here but we didn't have sexual intercourse (even when we were together the first time), it was strictly him performing oral on me. I know alot of people won't believe a man would do that with nothing in return but it is true.

 

I agree hanging on is not healthy for me at all...

[goodgirlgonebad15]

My story is very similar to yours...he chose to work on his marriage as well in Dec.but we still had contact for a month after wards. We tried maintaining LC, but that didn't seem to help either of us. Any type of contact with me was hurting his chances at really seeing if he could salvage his marriage truthfully, so He threw me into NC Jan 12th and was supposed to contact me on my birthday, which he never did. He has gone as far as to block my number on his work and personal cell phone. I eventually got up the courage to throw all his things away I still had at my house and delete and block him on Skype and Google hangouts. I have not however blocked his numbers or email accounts. I figure he's not attempting to contact me, so as long as I stay strong no harm no foul.

 

My therapist says that if someone truly wants to get up with you, they will. They know where you work, live, and your contact info. I had the same irrational fears when I finally deleted/blocked him from the last two venues I could knowingly contact him. My xMM works around the corner from me, so if he wants to find me it's pretty easy for him. I don't think that will be the case though...mine has went to loving me so much in Jan and not thinking his marriage would work...to talking about having another child and putting his house on the market.

 

BUT, I have seen people on this site get contacted out of the blue 6 months later...so anything is possible

 

Thank you for sharing with me. I was just curious about if they truly want to contact you, they will. In my case, I have changed job locations and have not made him aware. He also never knew where I lived and I have even moved since ending the affair and he is not even aware I have moved because I have not shared it.

[Popsicle]

A better way, IMO, is to not block him etc. but instead, convince first yourself, then him that it's pointless to continue this unless he divorces. He only hangs on because he knows you're still emotionally open to him. If you convince yourself that there is nothing more to this R than illusions, then you will not feel so excited about it and you can tell him that too. Once something is dead, there is no more life to sustain it.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Another fear is that I have been put on a project that will place me in his doctor's office once a week. At first this project was only supposed to place me in that location once a month, which I can deal with. But just yesterday my manager informed me, they want me there once a week. I am very stressed about this, that's how I know I want it over. I do not want to see him, I do not want him to think I am going out my way to see him either. A couple months ago when I was first made aware of the project, I let him know I would be working in that office somewhat. I did not want him to think I was going out my way to run into him, so I informed him that I will only be there because that is where I am being placed.

 

I have been with this company awhile and I do excellent work and have moved up the ranks considerably for my age. This position will only continue to drive my career upwards and I want that very much. Our company is also not in a place where I can switch with another person or decline altogether. I really like this job, this position I am moving into and I do not want to give it up because I might run into him. He is not worth giving up my goals.

[81West]

It's kind of beautifully simple I think. Figure out what the truth is and tell it to him. It's probably something like you love him, you would choose him if you could, but he's decided something else and that has put you in a position that you find painful and frustrating and you can't continue the way it is. That communicates that it's not about your feelings for him, it's about his actions in life. That you love him, and that you never would have chosen to let him go if there was any other choice, but that he has let go of the option of truly taking care of you in this life and so you have to take care of yourself.

Edited April 10, 2015 by 81West

[lookingforclosure]

Me and xMM used to work together...I got a job right around the corner so that never stopped us from seeing each other. I do however still have friends that work with him and they invite me to lunch from time to time. I was always worried if I went he would be thinking it was because I was trying to make contact with him. Every time I would pass him I would think "he must think i'm stalking him"...but that's just me being silly. You can't work two streets over from someone and NEVER run into them somewhere. My friend say not to worry about it...you've had friends there for years and you can't toss that aside for one spinless jerk.

I actually am picking up one of them from his office today for lunch, I will not go in though...I know he's there and it makes me a little nervous, but I have to remember...I got myself involved in this mess, I have to learn how to deal with it. Sometimes just driving by the building will make me feel sick to my stomach...So let's see how today goes

[jwi71]

We have tried to be friends (FAIL), tried to maintain contact.

 

I am worried we will never be friends again.

 

You will never be friends again. Period. The A will always be a cloud casting a shadow. Its hard to be friends, then lovers, then friends. And that's in an open 'legit' R much less an A.

 

I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him. And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

 

Nothing will change in his M until he changes.

After all, he's still cheating on his W right?

(unless his W knows you two had an A is totally ok with you two remaining in contact)

 

I also want to know if it is true that even if you block a MM on all avenues, if he truly wants to reach you or is truly divorced they will find a way? How if you block them on everything, how can they let you know something has changed?

 

You tell him in no uncertain terms its over and done with.

Or do you always worry that, upon ending an R with an xBF, that he will come back and somehow "suck you into an R again"?

 

I’m sorry if my questions are stupid or well, irrational. I don’t want to jump into NC, only to fail.

 

You only fail if choose to fail.

The ONLY person who can "cause" you to fail is YOU.

If you want this to be over...then end it.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

It's kind of beautifully simple I think. Figure out what the truth is and tell it to him. It's probably something like you love him, you would choose him if you could, but he's decided something else and that has put you in a position that you find painful and frustrating and you can't continue the way it is. That communicates that it's not about your feelings for him, it's about his actions in life. That you love him, and that you never would have chosen to let him go if there was any other choice, but that he has let go of the option of truly taking care of you in this life and so you have to take care of yourself.

 

I really liked this idea at one point but have dimissed it. Mainly because I thought this was something I should have said/done when it first ended...but I let it drag out with this trying to be friends thing that now it would seem silly to say it. I have also hinted at ending communication before and would not want that to seem like a trick.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I did it. I blocked him on FB and then deactivated my account for awhile. I used to really like my FB account but since all this it will be best to take a break for awhile. Hopefully I will find pleasure in it again after I move past this.

 

After I blocked him and then deactivated my page, I went in the bathroom and just cried. I just felt overwhelming saddness but it's dumb! It's dumb to feel this way. I don't understand my reactions, why am I crying when all I want is to move forward??

 

Now that he's blocked and I am no longer on FB, I only have to worry about running into him when I travel to this clinic...

[lookingforclosure]

It's not silly at all...I held on to the Skype account we used to communicate with each other for two months, and some of his things I had at the house. When I deactivated/blocked him and threw everything he ever gave me away, I did the same thing...I cried and cried and cried. I felt like a knife had pierced my heart and felt like I could throw up. The struggle is real...to actually cut the cord and give up hope. It's not something to take lightly. In my case xMM future faked me and gave me more lines than a Nichols Sparks book.

 

He was my everyday...my every night. I am now truly alone...nothing left of him. BUT I have people in my live who do truly love me...that check on me daily or a couple times a week. I am blessed with such a great support system and finding LS. The posters on here are incredible

[goodgirlgonebad15]

It's not silly at all...I held on to the Skype account we used to communicate with each other for two months, and some of his things I had at the house. When I deactivated/blocked him and threw everything he ever gave me away, I did the same thing...I cried and cried and cried. I felt like a knife had pierced my heart and felt like I could throw up. The struggle is real...to actually cut the cord and give up hope. It's not something to take lightly. In my case xMM future faked me and gave me more lines than a Nichols Sparks book.

 

He was my everyday...my every night. I am now truly alone...nothing left of him. BUT I have people in my live who do truly love me...that check on me daily or a couple times a week. I am blessed with such a great support system and finding LS. The posters on here are incredible

 

Thank you. It is nice having somewhere to place my thoughts where others understand.

 

It's only been a few hours of NC and it certainly does not feel good by any means, but something, anything has to be better than the rut I've been stuck in the past few months.

 

I do think I love him but to just be friends, hurts too much. I've been denying myself my true feelings for months, just to prove to myself that I could handle being just friends...

 

I've messed my feelings up so much and have confused myself to the max...I just really need to step away and figure out who I am again...

[Cali408]

You can't be friends. Get it out of your head. Believe me, I tried, it just leads to more pain. You say just friends, but you'll drive yourself crazy.

[Josmatjes]

My story is very similar to yours...he chose to work on his marriage as well in Dec.but we still had contact for a month after wards. We tried maintaining LC, but that didn't seem to help either of us. Any type of contact with me was hurting his chances at really seeing if he could salvage his marriage truthfully, so He threw me into NC Jan 12th and was supposed to contact me on my birthday, which he never did. He has gone as far as to block my number on his work and personal cell phone. I eventually got up the courage to throw all his things away I still had at my house and delete and block him on Skype and Google hangouts. I have not however blocked his numbers or email accounts. I figure he's not attempting to contact me, so as long as I stay strong no harm no foul.

 

My therapist says that if someone truly wants to get up with you, they will. They know where you work, live, and your contact info. I had the same irrational fears when I finally deleted/blocked him from the last two venues I could knowingly contact him. My xMM works around the corner from me, so if he wants to find me it's pretty easy for him. I don't think that will be the case though...mine has went to loving me so much in Jan and not thinking his marriage would work...to talking about having another child and putting his house on the market.

 

BUT, I have seen people on this site get contacted out of the blue 6 months later...so anything is possible

 

This is exactly what happened to me.... I went through the same thing but the only difference is that I called him one morning and told him that we could not remain friends and neither one of us could work on our marriages with this distraction. He tried telling me how miserable he was at home and I said that's not my problem. He went on about how he o

Loved me but I held fast and now it's been awhile and I haven't heard from him or seen him. Sometimes you just have to rip it off like a and aid!!

[whichwayisup]

]I think I am ready to try complete and total NC. I want him out my system. I want to block him on facebook and take it an extra step further and take my profile down for a while. But I have irrational fears and that is what brought me to post. I am worried we will never be friends again. I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him. And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

No you won't be friends ever again and you'll be okay. You won't die, you'll feel pain and hurt for a while but as time goes on, you'll feel so much better and become "you" again, fresh and happy.

 

This guy isn't divorcing, if anything he'll have another affair. And even if he doesn't, or if he divorce and moves on, it really doesn't matter as you have no control over what he does or doesn't do. He'll be a part of your past and you won't care even though right now you do.

 

I also want to know if it is true that even if you block a MM on all avenues, if he truly wants to reach you or is truly divorced they will find a way? How if you block them on everything, how can they let you know something has changed? I’m sorry if my questions are stupid or well, irrational. I don’t want to jump into NC, only to fail. I want to be prepared so I can stick with this and make it out the other side eventually. Thanks for the listen.

 

You have to end this with the mindset that he is gone for good, if you go NC in hopes he'll love and miss you enough to divorce, NC won't work and you certainly won't put much effort into getting over him, he'll still be in your heart and mind preventing you from moving on and finding a (single) guy.

 

Even if he divorces, do you want him to call you day the after? Would you really be willing to take him back without him having time alone to adjust, to grow and become a better person?

 

If you want it over and are ready, end it and make it impossible for him to reach you. It can be done and you avoid any place he goes to, avoid mutual friends etc, until you're strong enough to run into him and have full control over your emotions.

[imtooconfused]

I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him. And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

 

My sense of the tone of this thread is you are playing the NC game simply to get him to change his mind and come back to you. That ship has sailed. Your mind knows you have to move on but your heart isn't on the same page.

 

Before you can make a whole lot of progress, you need to remember that he had a choice to make and he chose to work on his marriage. As much as you want to believe that you are in his heart, you are not. That's reserved for his lovely bride. You need to find your own technique, but you must do the same with him, eject him from your heart.

[Hope Shimmers]

I did it. I blocked him on FB and then deactivated my account for awhile. I used to really like my FB account but since all this it will be best to take a break for awhile. Hopefully I will find pleasure in it again after I move past this.

 

After I blocked him and then deactivated my page, I went in the bathroom and just cried. I just felt overwhelming saddness but it's dumb! It's dumb to feel this way. I don't understand my reactions, why am I crying when all I want is to move forward??

 

Now that he's blocked and I am no longer on FB, I only have to worry about running into him when I travel to this clinic...

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Facebook is just damaging. I hate it. It is responsible for so much havoc on relationships.

 

I didn't read all of the thread so I don't know what you do in physicians' offices - are you a drug rep?

 

You have to get through the grief to move forward. Cry if you want, when you want. It's part of the process.

[snl]

I have been where you are now. I remember still so well the pain and suffering I had. Looking back my best decision was to finally accept that only option is to go full NC. And NO staying in touch as friends. Believe me it was so hard and believe me I was so much suffering without her I was almost going to break NC but I didn't. It took me about 90days now and I am slowly back "in life" again. Staying in touch would have only caused more pain, questions and suffering. Your heart will only remember the good days...nobody new will match up to him/her.... But he is not available to you. He is not choosing you. He is choosing to stay where he is...you deserve better. You should focus on you and not what he is up to and what he might feel. At the end that won't matter as the most important person that matters is...you. Please be strong for you. You deserve happiness and not being second choice.

[MissBee]

Hi all. I am a long time reader/lurker and finally ready to post. My story is pretty typical and not unique. I won’t go into super long details, trying to convince anyone of the feelings we shared, or whether or not he truly cared for me. I have already reconciled those feelings and choose to believe he did care for me and wishes things were different. So long story short I had an affair with a MM, who happens to be an ex I dumped prior to him getting married. In the end of our affair, he chose to work on his marriage. Lots of things lead up to this but does any of that even matter? Point is he chose his marriage over me, whatever the reasons.

 

We have tried to be friends (FAIL), tried to maintain contact. I can tell he’s happy to have at least some part of me in his life but I am not happy and that’s what matters. We haven’t seen each in person since we ended it but we still message each other. I know it’s unhealthy and not right. I know he should be focusing 100% on his marriage because that is what he chose and that by staying in contact with me he is NOT doing that. I know that this is holding me back longer than it should and that I am delaying my healing by continuing to message him. Whenever I hint at ending this messaging thing, he goes into overdrive to keep me talking to him. I am tired. This is exhausting. Silly me thought what’s the big deal if we message here and there.

 

]I think I am ready to try complete and total NC. I want him out my system. I want to block him on facebook and take it an extra step further and take my profile down for a while. But I have irrational fears and that is what brought me to post. I am worried we will never be friends again. I am worried something will change with his marriage and he will think I no longer care about him. And this is the weirdest fear, but I am worried he will think I have moved on (even though that’s what I want).

 

I also want to know if it is true that even if you block a MM on all avenues, if he truly wants to reach you or is truly divorced they will find a way? How if you block them on everything, how can they let you know something has changed? I’m sorry if my questions are stupid or well, irrational. I don’t want to jump into NC, only to fail. I want to be prepared so I can stick with this and make it out the other side eventually. Thanks for the listen.

 

This is a common fear that impedes people.

 

NC though isn't about hoping they will return and inform you of different news, it's to help YOU move on. So whatever happens with them while you're moving on is irrelevant really.

 

What you don't realize now is that when you have true NC you get to a point where you don't really care if the person contacts you again. Now while you're all emotionally invested you are still making it about them and hoping they will come back, hence these fears, but part of the wonders of NC is that eventually with them being out of sight, eventually they become out of mind and you no longer care what they are doing or not doing. That's the purpose, for you to detach emotionally so you can figure out your own feelings and start to perhaps feel differently and move on. That's the only purpose of NC, detachment. When you detach you stop caring, or care way less and spend less time making your choices based on hypothetical about them but start making them for yourself.

 

I have had NC for a year. He popped back up after a year. I had a new number, but he emailed me. Nothing much changed with that. In short though, it's the 21st century, if the person really wanted to get back in contact, if they know where you live or work or know people who know you, they can. However, reality is way less dramatic. People always have this fear that magically during NC the person will get a divorce or suddenly realize they cannot live without them and because they have blocked them the person will scour the earth searching OR will whither away and die realizing the person blocked them and then will stay married after all. It's irrational. Reality is more like: nothing tends to change in NC on their part, NC is for YOU to move on from wasting your time. When they break NC it isn't usually because of some life change, but hoping you've "cooled off" and will be open for more affair and false promises and not with divorce papers in hand. Usually with NC what you realize is that this was not that magical or meant to be and you begin to move on versus you and they realize it is true love and they now return for you.

Edited April 11, 2015 by MissBee

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Thank you guys for all responses, it helps so much.

 

What is the best way to go NC? Do you just say nothing and do it? Or do you let them know that contact is no longer welcome from them before?

 

Can anyone share how they went NC and why that worked better in the long run of sticking to it?

[imtooconfused]

What is the best way to go NC?

 

I am glad you asked. This is how I learned to do it...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

It works for me because the less you worry about when/if they are going to contact, or whether you should contact them, the quicker you stop worrying about them at all. Any way that they touch your mind, the more opportunity there is to bring up the old feelings. Get rid of those opportunities, and you will begin to get rid of those old feelings.

 

In your case I think you have to pay careful attention to the following:

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

[georgia girl]

Thank you guys for all responses, it helps so much.

 

What is the best way to go NC? Do you just say nothing and do it? Or do you let them know that contact is no longer welcome from them before?

 

Can anyone share how they went NC and why that worked better in the long run of sticking to it?

 

I can share my story and I think it has the best possible ending. I went no contact with a former boyfriend. No, I was not an OW. He was simply a boyfriend. But, we were pretty serious - or at least I thought so. Had dated over a year, practically lived together and then one day, ever-so-subtly, I felt him pulling away. The guy who was a self-confessed "commitment phobe" had experienced his "run away" instinct, though he would not admit it to me. One day, very abruptly, we broke up - while planning our wedding.

 

 

I was crushed, and initially I tried everything I could do to reverse course and help us to work out. Then, when I realized that this wasn't worth it and I wasn't about to beg someone to love me, I went no contact. I did it for me. It was time to heal. I had to get away from him, the thoughts, the dreams, the whole mess. ...

 

 

I never thought I'd get over him. I was in my mid-30s at the time and just didn't want to date anyone anymore. Then, I met my future husband. At first, we were simply friends. My heart was too beaten up for me to get my hopes set on anyone. I called him my Mr. Now. Not my Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, just my Mr. Now.

 

 

It's a long story, but my husband (then boyfriend) had a serious training accident - he's an athlete - and I had to drive to a hospital nearly two hours away without knowing whether he was alive or dead. I realized I loved him more than I had ever loved another living soul. It took us some time to heal from his injuries, but less than a year later we were engaged and we're now married.

 

 

My point? I hadn't wanted to go no contact with my ex boyfriend at first. I had all my hopes and dreams pinned on him. When I finally let go to something that just wasn't right for me, the right guy came along. I am so incredibly lucky and that's why I encourage any woman struggling in an uneven relationship to go no contact. Real love isn't that hard. It's kind of magical that way.

 

 

Good luck. No contact works but only if you're using it to heal yourself.

 

 

Hugs, GG