NC the only way to get him out my system??

[GoldieLox]

No contact works but only if you're using it to heal yourself.

 

THIS! NC should never be used in a manipulative way. It will only backfire on you in the end.

 

GG, thanks for sharing your story. It just shows us that old cliche is really true; when one door slams shut, another one truly opens!

[Grapesofwrath]

Or do you always worry that, upon ending an R with an xBF, that he will come back and somehow "suck you into an R again"?

Excellent point. I was in an R with an abusive man who was highly manipulative and I had to go NC with him in order to really end it. It was my third try at NC, and I knew I really needed to get as far from him as possible. (He had started with physical abuse.) I never blocked him, though. I just knew I wouldn't reach out and that was that. And any gesture on his part would fall on deaf ears. I had to reach my end point, and I had. When ending an A, it's not always this crystal clear.

 

 

I did it. I blocked him on FB and then deactivated my account for awhile. I used to really like my FB account but since all this it will be best to take a break for awhile. Hopefully I will find pleasure in it again after I move past this.

 

After I blocked him and then deactivated my page, I went in the bathroom and just cried. I just felt overwhelming saddness but it's dumb! It's dumb to feel this way. I don't understand my reactions, why am I crying when all I want is to move forward??

 

Now that he's blocked and I am no longer on FB, I only have to worry about running into him when I travel to this clinic...

 

Your feelings are your feelings. Whatever they are, let them run. You are grieving. This is a loss. A loss of hope, what-if scenarios, and fantasies you may have had in the past that things might end differently between you. Grieve the loss. The only way out is through.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I haven't even been NC for one week and exMM has already attempted to contact me thru another form of social media. He did not previously have a page but chose to make one to I guess make some type of contact with me. I have blocked the page.

 

But I know that nothing, absolutely nothing has changed in such a short time period, so I know he was contacting me with nothing to offer...as usual. It's not even possible for someone to change themselves or a situation that fast.

 

So my question is why? Why break NC with someone who has requested to be left alone to try and heal? And then when they do break it, its with nothing but crumbs, nothing worth breaking the NC for...It's annoying and I'm glad I blocked him.

[Popsicle]

Hoping that you're weak and will give in and resume the A. It's selfish really.

Edited April 16, 2015 by Popsicle

[sandylee1]

Just trying to continue being selfish and having it all. Good for you blocking him. Stay strong and continue. Some of these MM are predatory.

[nikki76]

Good for you for blocking. My mm always came back and stupid me always gave in. I hate myself everyday because this time, I went almost three months NC and I gave in. And its so much harder to go NC.

Dont fall for it. They are just making sure you will still accept their breadcrumbs. They will never change. Dont fall for it.

[Friskyone4u]

Good Girl,

 

It's real simple and you are smart enough I think you already know the answer. He is trying to keep the hook in so if he wants sex from you, he may get it. Men do not normally have any deep desire to stay connected to AP for any other reason. Don't take the bait!!!!!

 

Keep blocking or you will play right into his selfish hands. You know that so stay strong.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Thank you guys for all the replies. When I first saw him making contact, I'll be honest, I was happy for like the first 5 mins...oh he must miss me, oh he doesn't want to let me go...But I snapped myself out of it very quickly, I focused on the reality of things and that is that nothing has changed, it's not even possible for it to have changed. So he was throwing me breadcrumbs, like a bird. I am not a bird, I am a person so I got pissed.

 

Pissed because even now, while I'm trying to move on, he is too selfish to just let me do that. I requested him to leave me alone, told him it was for my well being. He is so selfish that he doesn't care to distrub my peace of mind, offering me nothing just to satisfy his ego.

 

A few months ago, I might have been flattered...today I am pissed at the lack of respect for my feelings.

[Friskyone4u]

Stay pissed and it will shorten the time until it does not matter what he might possibly do.

 

DO NOT RESPOND and you will be fine.

 

You know what you have to do. I know it helps sometimes to vent on forums but what you do not need to be doing is reading threads from other women who are not as strong as you about how much they miss him.

 

Those are not thoughts you need to be hearing or empathizing with right now. Point your ship in the "done" direction and go full throttle.

[Confused48]

I've heard it compared to a gambler pulling the lever of a slot machine. You keep pulling and one day it is gonna pay off. That is the theory anyway. And in this case the cost of pulling that lever is very low. Expect a lot of lever pulling from this guy.

[loveboid]

If you have to you can always threaten a restraining order, documented through email or certified mail. This is the only thing that worked for me dating a single guy. It's not just MM who do this. So this is good practice for you anyway until you start dating single men.

[GoldieLox]

The only two reasons I could ever come up with are ego and being horny. I'm not sure which one is worse at this point.

[autumnnight]

He may not even want to resume the A. He might just want the ago boost he'd get if you responded. Pathetic of him really. Keep him blocked and find someone worthy of you.

[loveboid]

I've heard it compared to a gambler pulling the lever of a slot machine. You keep pulling and one day it is gonna pay off. That is the theory anyway. And in this case the cost of pulling that lever is very low. Expect a lot of lever pulling from this guy.

 

Yes, I've heard similar in the term "chancing your arm." These people have little to lose and a lot to gain with you. So they take their chances with you.

 

A solution is to make the risk/reward harder for them. For example, blocking makes contacting you more work. Threatening a restraining order makes it costly to mess with you.

[m4p]

Think of it this way... When did they even have anything to offer in the first place during the A? NOTHING! So that's not gonna change anything.

 

You did great.. And it's only gonna get better from now on!

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Thanks guys

 

I do believe this is all ego driven by him and it's nice to know that his ego got a pretty good punch just by me not responding.

 

I am also not afraid to see him anymore when I travel to this clinic weekly. I have a plan I will use that will embarass him to no end, should he approach me. As long he does not approach, I am perfectly capable of making him feel non existent. My poker face is very good.

 

Should he approach me, I will give him the most bewildered look and ask him loudly if he is sure he knows me?? Nobody likes to look stupid in public.

 

I hope the above doesn't seem childish but I feel I must be prepared some way in case I run into him at this office. Blocking and not responding I can control, running into him...not so much.

[sandylee1]

It's so selfish keeping someone dangling on a string to offer them sweet FA (f*** all). You are not a bird like you said. You deserve better than somebody else's guy (As Jocelyn Brown sang).

 

I hope he doesn't persist with this. I did read about one OW saying her XMM kept on and on with contact, till she drafted an email to his wife (attaching a number of their explicit emails), sent it to him and said if he contacted her again, that email was going straight to his wife.

 

That was the last she heard of him.

[Chasing_mya]

He fished and wanted to see if you'd bite, which you didn't. I'm glad you blocked and didn't cave in. When you cave it gives them another ego stroke. You're right nothing has changed and nothing ever will. He has nothing to offer you but the same ole BS. He's probably missing the contact but still & all he should of respected your wishes. You seem firm and determined in your decision to remain NC. I wish you the best.

[Grapesofwrath]

Think of it this way... When did they even have anything to offer in the first place during the A? NOTHING! So that's not gonna change anything.!

 

I agree with this 100%. They never had anything to offer in the first place, really. You have figured that out now.

 

also, it's a lot less effort for him to try to reel you back in than it is to 1) find another patsy or 2) actually work on his marital relationship. So he takes the path of least resistance. Consider this confirmation that the A was really all about his selfishness, not love. If he really cared about what was best for you, he would leave you alone.

[jwi71]

I haven't even been NC for one week and exMM has already attempted to contact me thru another form of social media. He did not previously have a page but chose to make one to I guess make some type of contact with me. I have blocked the page.

 

But I know that nothing, absolutely nothing has changed in such a short time period, so I know he was contacting me with nothing to offer...as usual. It's not even possible for someone to change themselves or a situation that fast.

 

So my question is why? Why break NC with someone who has requested to be left alone to try and heal? And then when they do break it, its with nothing but crumbs, nothing worth breaking the NC for...It's annoying and I'm glad I blocked him.

 

You got the intent backwards....he wasn't offering anything TO you...he was wanting something FROM you. And while he got the reaction (this post) he doesn't know he got the reaction (via blocking). If you look at his words and actions in this light he may begin to "make sense" to you.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

So I am still pissed, good it keeps me from missing him. Right now I am pissed that he broke NC just to like my instagram pics. Is that really all the effort I am worth? I mean if you are going to disrespect my wishes, at least make it worth it, apologize, say you understand and that you will let me go. But no, he thinks he likes my pics and I am to what??? Unblock him and fawn all over him and his ego???? NOT!

[goodgirlgonebad15]

You got the intent backwards....he wasn't offering anything TO you...he was wanting something FROM you. And while he got the reaction (this post) he doesn't know he got the reaction (via blocking). If you look at his words and actions in this light he may begin to "make sense" to you.

 

Another reason why blocking is the bomb.com. Yes he got me to react but he doesn't know it so he fragile little ego probably isn't too happy without it's external validation.

 

It does make sense to see it as him wanting something from me (ego boost, stroking, etc). When he breaks NC, he is seeking something for himself, that he wants from me.

 

So when I blocked him, his ego took a nose dive, so in order to get that ego happy again, he broke NC in hopes I would respond which would have lifted his little ego's spirits....

 

He won't get it...

[GoldieLox]

He's trying to get under your skin by doing things like this. Being pissed is a good start- it's better than lying in bed sobbing like most of us have inevitably done- but getting to the point where it just rolls of your back is better. Have faith in yourself that you'll get to that point, and it'll be a lot easier.

[the_artist_1970]

So I am still pissed, good it keeps me from missing him. Right now I am pissed that he broke NC just to like my instagram pics. Is that really all the effort I am worth? I mean if you are going to disrespect my wishes, at least make it worth it, apologize, say you understand and that you will let me go. But no, he thinks he likes my pics and I am to what??? Unblock him and fawn all over him and his ego???? NOT!

 

Why is it that he has to let you go? Why have you given him all the power? You are angry because he liked your instagram pictures? Only you can determine your worth, not him. He does not get to decide how much you are worth. Find a way to find your worth before you get involved with another unavailable man and you will realize that no man can break you no matter what they do. He is fishing because he knows that you got involved with him knowing he was M and therefore that said that you had little value in yourself. He is trying again because he still thinks that you value yourself so low that you will yet again settle for a MM.

 

The anger that you have now is the same anger that women who value themselves and are approached or "pursued" by MM have at the onset. They get mad that MM would even THINK that they would be their side piece. Continue with the anger and let it propel you into a new woman who gets mad when a MM approaches you no matter what sob story they give you.

 

Good for you for starting the process of self love and respect. Keep it up.

[georgia girl]

I haven't even been NC for one week and exMM has already attempted to contact me thru another form of social media. He did not previously have a page but chose to make one to I guess make some type of contact with me. I have blocked the page.

 

But I know that nothing, absolutely nothing has changed in such a short time period, so I know he was contacting me with nothing to offer...as usual. It's not even possible for someone to change themselves or a situation that fast.

 

So my question is why? Why break NC with someone who has requested to be left alone to try and heal? And then when they do break it, its with nothing but crumbs, nothing worth breaking the NC for...It's annoying and I'm glad I blocked him.

 

Why? Because it's part of the "game." They think you did it to make them chase and they're willing to chase a little bit. However, where we (the chase-ees so to speak) can get hopeful and screw things up for ourselves is by reading too much into their willingness to chase.

 

 

Clearly stated: they are willing to chase. That part of the game is fun. But, they are not - and in no way should chasing be construed as the opposite - willing to change the terms and conditions of whatever relationship you were in that were unacceptable to you.

 

 

For example, my ex? He showed up at my house, he made me a hand-made card. He texted, he called, he left messages and emails that I never responded nor read. Everything went into the deleted file.

 

 

And do you know what? With all of his efforts with chasing, he was never willing - not once - to offer to fix what was wrong. He was willing to chase, not change.

 

 

Stay NC. If you break it, you start a cycle of hope and massive disappointment. The highs never eclipse the lows. When you get to a point in a relationship when you're ready to consider NC, it was over anyway. This is just the part where the fat lady sings.