Miss Sisyphus Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) Me, my partner and two daughters worked on our house all summer so we could sell it and move to New Orleans. My youngest daughter (14) was already accepted into a really good school down there (Lusher). My oldest daughter (23) who has a bachelor's degree in fiber arts, was planning to start a career or business related to costumes. (What better place than New Orleans for that?) But everything fell apart--for me and my youngest daughter. My partner left us last month (another thread) and my daughter met a guy she believes is "the one." She begrudgingly says she will still move with us, but I don't want her to give up a potential life partner by leaving. (I should add they have only had two dates so far, but they text a lot.) She hasn't told him that she might move because she's afraid he'll dump her. I haven't met him yet, but he seems ambitious--he is a manager, plays in a band, and sells his artwork at comic conventions. Girls really seem to like his artwork... The question: Do I continue living in this state that I despise (I've been in this same house since 1993!) to be near my oldest daughter; or do I move somewhere that is new and exciting but that might also be a place of loneliness/isolation for my youngest daughter and myself? I Thanks for helping me. Edited April 10, 2015 by Miss Sisyphus Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 She is an adult & they make all sorts of transportation options. You can't live your life for your adult children. Let her spread her wings. You head to the Big Easy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Sisyphus Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 Yes, there are transportation options. I guess I'm afraid she'll just drift out of my life like my siblings did... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Yes, there are transportation options. I guess I'm afraid she'll just drift out of my life like my siblings did... So don't let her. Call often. Send social media messages & photos. Arrange visits. Fear is natural & change is scary but don't let fear hold you back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 You need to move and let your oldest daughter, now an adult, do whatever she wants, but you can't let her dictate what is best for you and the youngest. She shouldn't even still be at home. She should be on her own with her own place by now. Until she has at least done that for a couple of years, she is nobody's match because leaving home and being on your own as adults is what parents are supposed to be spending all their effort on preparing them for. Kids are not supposed to stay in the nest, Mom, and if they do, then you haven't done your job. Let her fly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 you move and let her spread her wings where she is.. you also don't finance her anymore or finance her very little.. since she is an adult making adult decisions then it all comes with the territory. Good Luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Sisyphus Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 Yes, Art Critic, I see what you mean. I don't think she realizes how inconvenient everything is going to be once she's on her own. She doesn't even drive. She knows how, just doesn't have a license. Preraph: I know I should have prepared her to move out. But she just graduated from college in May. I didn't want her to have to work full time and go to school full time. She's been working ever since and doing freelance sewing jobs on the side. She's a good person: no drinking, smoking or drugs, no tattoos, piercings. She doesn't even cuss! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 You go where you need to go. If she wants to come, great. If not, she'll figure it out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Move if you want to move. Your daughter is 23 - she is an adult and can and should make her own decisions as to where she lives and with whom. In fact, honestly, you might actually be doing her a lot of good by moving away so she can stand on her own two feet, if she hasn't lived on her own before. I know I certainly learnt a lot about myself and took big strides forward in my own life after I left home (my parents didn't want me to, but I'm REALLY glad I did). I'm pretty happy with my life right now, and NONE of it would have happened if I had just stayed with my parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 She would be learning from you if you show her that you will do what's good for YOU regardless of any man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 ..... do I move somewhere that is new and exciting but that might also be a place of loneliness/isolation for my youngest daughter and myself? I Thanks for helping me. You're already predicting negatives whereas in fact, it's an awfully big adventure, with amazing as-yet-unseen opportunities for you and your youngest to really make a great life for yourselves! Loneliness and isolation are often self-made. If you want to be lonely and isolated, go right ahead. if on the other hand you would love to grab the opportunity to forge a new path, make a new future for yourself and seize the day, make new friends, find a new partner, share great times - go right ahead. The choice, is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 She begrudgingly says she will still move with us, but I don't want her to give up a potential life partner by leaving. (I should add they have only had two dates so far, but they text a lot.) After two dates, I don't know how either you or your daughter could even consider altering future plans. It's been two dates. Be real. Actually, I can see why a 23 year old would make decisions like this, but for you, I don't get why you would start questioning whether to move there or not. Go through with your plans. Whether your 23 year old follows you or not, stay on your path. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 My DD24 has been dating her guy for 10 months. They are perfect for each other. She's still unwilling to talk marriage yet, or even moving in with him, for at least another year, because she feels they need that much time to determine if they'll be a good fit for each other. Two dates? That's not only ludicrous, it's dangerous thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 If she really feels that strongly, then she can stay behind and find her own place to live while she tests out the "relationship." I put it in quotes because it has only been two dates. It's her life and she can do what she likes, but not at your expense. This is your life. It's ridiculous of her to expect you to cancel your plans for some guy she hardly knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Sisyphus Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 The general consensus seems to be to move and leave her behind. I saw a counselor, and he said the same thing. He noted that I need to think more positively about life. He also said that maybe my daughter would relocate eventually, and if the guy really cared about her, he would come too. So, I'm going to fill the cracks in the walls--AGAIN--sell off my stuff and go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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